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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He acts like he is my friend!

37 replies

Theoldcauliflower · 03/06/2015 00:02

I've been with dp nearly 4years love him so much, we both have kids from previous , all get on great! But the sex is just shit, really shit! I ask all the time but we only do it when he wants to,and most the time we haven't done it for a while it's over quite quick I'm sick of it! Never any for play! Any clues???

OP posts:
Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 03/06/2015 00:03

When we haven't done it for a while Hmm

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beaglesaresweet · 03/06/2015 00:22

he could have 1)a very low sex drive, or 2)problems lasting - something psychological or 3)he may be a closet gay. Without knowing him or more info, impossible to know which of these!
Have you asked for more foreplay? it's best to be direct.

ShonaOCasey · 03/06/2015 00:29

Life is too short for shit sex...

Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 03/06/2015 00:34

I know but I love him, I just feel so ugly I'm 33 and I don't think I am, maybe I am, j fucking must be! it just seems so crap I don't know what to do!

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Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 03/06/2015 00:38

He's defo not gay that's for sure! He used to do oral all the time, but it's been a long time now! Yes I ask but he ignores. He says that it's coz he's tired, but he's been off work this week and slept loads and still no interested, it makes me so sad I remember when he wanted me and couldn't keep his hands off me was lovely, but it's gone and I'm depressed!

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SycamoreMum · 03/06/2015 00:48

What Beagle said.

My current bf was like that, kind of selfish. So I stopped giving him nooks and its like something clicked because the romance picked up. It didn't help that I would get done up just the way he loved and wouldn't let him near the box Grin

Not saying you should do this but its an option really ??

beaglesaresweet · 03/06/2015 00:48

you say he sleeps a lot and has lost interest compared to before - could he be depressed?
The fact he ignores you is really bad (re foreplay). Something's gone wrong there. Does he still say he loves you?

beaglesaresweet · 03/06/2015 00:51

exactly, if you don't like lack of foreplay (and why should you) then don't have sex with him, it may 'click' that he needs to step up, unless something else is wring i.e. depression as I mentioned.

tallwivglasses · 03/06/2015 02:22

Please don't stay wih a man that makes you feel ugly. You KNOW you could go out tomorrow and find a bloke who would find you well-sexy. Don't let him drag you down.

Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 03/06/2015 09:13

He could be depressed beagle but he seems quit happy most the time, he's very affectionate and loves cuddles. He says he loves me all the time it's just the sex I don't feel wanted!
There's no passion anymore.

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Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 03/06/2015 09:15

Tall I don't think he means to. I think he thinks everything is ok and tells me not to make a big deal of it if I say anything!

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TokenGinger · 03/06/2015 11:59

The fact he doesn't make a big deal out of you being upset about something is saddening. If you have a problem, your DP should want to fix that for you or discuss it to dismiss your anxieties x

Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 03/06/2015 12:18

I know token, and I feel like it's just not as important to him as it is me. I think I'm going to say no when he finally comes to me wanting a quick hand job rather than sex, truth is I don't know if he will be that bothered anywaySad

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TokenGinger · 03/06/2015 12:38

That's so sad :( I was in a relationship which was largely sexless. We had sex once a week (out of duty for him, I think). It lasted about five minutes and that was it. He never made me orgasm once.

Luckily, he was my first so I didn't know what I was missing out on.

I know exactly how you feel and it's awful.

Does he adore you in every other way? It may not be a personal reflection on you and more just about him having a low sex drive, but even if so, when he does want sex and you do too, he could make more of an effort with foreplay x

singlemumoftwins · 03/06/2015 12:41

Relate do a sex course which is supposed to be good.

Life is long. I personally think it's worth working on things that can then improve and have a lasting impact for the rest of your life.

singlemumoftwins · 03/06/2015 12:42

Info on relate sex therapy www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-sex/sex-therapy

beaglesaresweet · 03/06/2015 12:44

OK, then it sounds like his sex drive is very low and he can take it or leave. But definitely do not give into his requests for quick 'jobs', possibly that would build up some desire. Try at least - but if you have mismatched sex drives, it's hard to fix that.

Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 03/06/2015 12:46

Token he is brilliant in every other way really, just totally selfish in bed!
Don't know what to do other than ban sex and see what happens??
Ohh he wouldnt go to relate single just no way, in his mind he thinks how we are is ok, well I suppose it is for him! Just not for me

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Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 03/06/2015 12:48

I think we must have, also he will only have sex in bed nowhere else!

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Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 03/06/2015 12:51

I've got to nip out now, thanks for your advice ladies FlowersFlowers

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singlemumoftwins · 03/06/2015 12:51

Why wouldn't he go to relate?

What would happen if you said, 'I understand you think everything is ok. But I am unhappy and think things could be better. So please can we go to relate? If it isn't useful then we can stop, but going would be good for me.'

If he refuses on those grounds then there's more wrong than just the sex.

Twinklestein · 03/06/2015 12:52

It sounds much more like he has a low sex drive and isn't bothered than that he doesn't find you attractive OP.

I agree handjobs are all one way.

MerdeAlor · 03/06/2015 13:01

Why not take some control back OP?

Sex and foreplay are consentual, you can lead, not just him. Tell him what you want in the moment - explore fantasies together. Teach him what you like, speak to him about it.
Introduce something new into the bedroom and see if that sparks his interest.

singlemumoftwins · 03/06/2015 13:02

And yes I agree with Twinkle about having low sex drive.

I think it's a bit ingrained sometimes that men are all sex obsessed. Some just don't want it as much as other people - men and women

And it doesn't mean they're gay!

Lots of couples have sex twice a month and are perfectly happy with that. I think the average is three times a month actually

Whatnext2015 · 03/06/2015 15:08

We are at it three -four times a week.
Things haven't been great but now he's one home and we are giving our marriage a go.

One of things he said to me was I was never in the mood cause I was tired from caring for the kids all day and normal wifely duties etc.

Now he's come home he is depressed, when I know he's on a good cheerful day, il initiate and make him feel wanted, I'm going to dress up every other week as well as building up our friendship again and turn off the mummy button and turn on the sexy wife button.

So maybe he's stressed at work or something? It can be as simple as that?
Surprise him one night after a few days of no intimacy to build up some desire? Doll yourself up that lil more starting on day 1 and see if he notices and then practically jump on him in 3-4 days time ;)