I admit that perhaps I'm slightly jaded having being on this board for many years. But I still can't get my head around why abusers abuse? Will they change for the 'right' person and are they aware of their actions? And at what point in a relationship does it start to go wrong?
I ruin myself trying to answer these questions. I've read the Lundy books but hearing real life experiences on this board interests me more. We have women (and men) going through all sorts of hell on here. And it infuriates me.
My ex was emotionally abusive but to the rest of the world he was kind, intelligent, successful, endearing, driven. Just about all the qualities you'd look for in a partner. When we first met I was amazed and fell in love instantly, in the years that followed he became emotionally abusive.
I admit that at the time I didn't see it that way, I actually thought that we were stuck in a rut or maybe if I could be a better partner or be better in life he'd go back to the way we used to be. He managed to grind down my self-esteem and make me wonder what was wrong with me. I have wondered if he'll be better with the OW as they seem to still be friends even though they have since broken up. So a large part of me wondered why me as surely he's been able to keep up appearances with her and indeed his ex prior to me. I had to walk away as it would have destroyed me.
I wonder if they do change? If it's just a certain dynamic between two people that doesn't match. But having said that, it's not a green light to abuse anyone.
I can't help but think there are so many abusers around and abuse going on that a person wouldn't even identify their partners actions as abuse as its so insidious.
Sorry for mammoth post but would like to know what you think.