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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I the one who messed up (or is messed up?)

26 replies

Lipgloss74 · 01/06/2015 21:54

I'm sorry to bore you again with this broken relationship saga.
I ended a fairly new relationship three weeks ago (ashamedly by text) because I felt I wasn't being treated properly, he never committed to plans, told me he has issues and was a weirdo, he drank too much (and drove) and generally left me feeling unattractive at times and anxious.
He asked if I would stay in his life as a friend and said no as I didn't think I could be much of a friend to someone I cared so much about as a boyfriend, I then sent him a list or all the weird and wonderful things that he has said or done to me when we were together, my intention was not to hurt him rather try and make him aware of the things he was doing to others as well as him self- he promptly blocked me. I probably deserved this but feel terrible now as I looked like I was spitting the dummy out over us ending and I'm annoyed at myself for not being mature enough to stay his friend.
I have a history of being with men who have some sort of issue that I try and fix and at first he appeared sorted, sadly it wasn't the case.
My son sent him a fb message just asking how he was but he's not read it. There's been NC at all.
Was I a bitch?

OP posts:

Melonfool · 01/06/2015 21:58

Dunno, depends what exactly you said.

I think if you're going to 'stay friends' that has to happen naturally not be forced. I'm not a big fan of staying friends really, unless you were already friends or in a group of friends.

I wouldn't have sent the list, they may be things other people wouldn't be that bothered by and no one likes to read a great list of their faults even if they are aware if them already. You son should now unfriend him on fb and you need to move on.

QuiteLikely5 · 01/06/2015 21:59

No you weren't a bitch.

I would not want to be friends with him either.

I don't think it's wise that your son was messaging him either.

How could it be good for your son?

Idontseeanydragons · 01/06/2015 22:02

Stop trying to fix people. It's not your job.
I say that nicely I promise - you probably thought you were flagging up helpful issues he could work through - he probably thought you were being mean.

Original poster

Lipgloss74 · 01/06/2015 22:04

I think your tight about having to move in, I am not regretting ending it although I miss him and the promise of a better future( if that makes sense)
The list was possibly a bit cutting but none or it was untrue or exaggerated.
I just feel I was too hasty sending but I felt he needed to know why I had ended the relationship. If I had been sent that I would have been hurt but addressed everything that was said but I know men are different.
My main problems were he apparently didn't like my name and changed it when introducing me to people, he would completely ignore invites out and my texts ect.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lipgloss74 · 01/06/2015 22:05

Tight- right. Bloody I phone x

OP posts:

MiniTheMinx · 01/06/2015 22:12

He changed your name? drink drives, ignores your texts, turns down your invites, made you anxious and feel unattractive. Wow, he sounds great! yes of course you were far to hasty, he was obviously a keeper.

Seriously,... you deserve better, so what if he thinks your a bitch.

Forget it, you can't fix the irredeemable.

Original poster

Lipgloss74 · 01/06/2015 22:19

It's not in my nature to be horrible to anyone, I'm a lover not a fighter and feel awful that I sent him the list- but believe me there was several other things on it x

OP posts:

SoozeyHoozey · 01/06/2015 22:34

You should be glad he's not trying to contact you, you're well rid. Chalk it up to experience and move on. Your son shouldn't be having any contact with him either, it's not healthy or appropriate in the circumstances.

Original poster

Lipgloss74 · 01/06/2015 22:40

My son messaged him to see if he was ok as he felt I had been harsh on him- I was ok with it.
I hate falling out with people. I'm usually a bit of a pushover and actually can't believe I ended it x

OP posts:

Zillie77 · 01/06/2015 22:42

Personally, I think being "friends" with exes is overrated, unless there are children involved.

AlternativeTentacles · 01/06/2015 22:45

Hello. Next time you end a relationship, dont send a list. There really is no point. It is over, block and esp block from your son and move on.

UrsulaBuffay · 01/06/2015 22:51

How old is your son? I'm wondering why he has anything to do with a fairly new relationship

Original poster

Lipgloss74 · 02/06/2015 09:19

My son is in his 20's and socialised with ex a lot x

OP posts:

twistletonsmythe · 02/06/2015 09:36

you and your son need to block him on FB and anywhere else.

And you need the Freedom Programme.

pocketsaviour · 02/06/2015 09:58

he apparently didn't like my name and changed it when introducing me to people

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

I think twistleton is right, you should definitely look at your boundaries and your need to please others.

AmyLeeha · 02/06/2015 13:18

But weren't you trying to fix him too..just after it was over?

And listen, your name is perfect, whatever it is, even if it's Turd McSh*te. Nobody, but nobody gets to call you anything else, ESPECIALLY for introductions, unless it's a very cute pet name that you like or a friendly (and that also mean respectful) nickname. You deserve nothing less.

Hissy · 02/06/2015 13:36

Your son should NEVER EVER be as involved in your personal life as this.

I too am aghast at the name thing, that is so fucked up it's not true.

No, sending the list wasn't necessary, and you ought to have just closed it down and left it, but your DS FBing him is a bit weird.

I do wonder if your boundaries are a bit skewed, the name thing should have had you donning your best kicking boots and going to town on booting his arse to the kerb, or the rock he slithered out from under.

Not accepting your exit too, asking to remain friends, with the name thing in the frame too, is not encouraging.

I think doing the Freedom Programme would be a REALLY good suggestion - you can do it free online. It will help you spot people like his guy and know why and how to avoid them in future.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/06/2015 14:42

I think the idea of being "mature" enough to stay friends with someone who treats you poorly is skewed, why would you? He didn't need a list, he doesn't need you as a mum to coach him into seeing what he did wrong.

Please look at why you feel that it's up to you to fix grown men who should know better. As for Mr I'll Change My Gf's Name I would have challenged that for starters.

No longer putting up with shit and telling ex a few home truths isn't being a bitch. I just wouldn't waste the energy.

Your son is an adult, so he picks his own friends but I would have said to him that personally you've no wish to see this man again and in future you don't want to hear about DS apologising to a third party for your actions.

Original poster

Lipgloss74 · 02/06/2015 15:01

Thanks for all your help support and suggestions. I will look at the freedom program online.
I let it pass that he changed my very unisex sounding name to a more feminine one as I didn't want to piss him off but it's about time I started looking after me x

OP posts:

Original poster

Lipgloss74 · 02/06/2015 15:03

OP posts:

Hissy · 02/06/2015 16:33

What was it it like? a complete name change, like Alex to Alexis? or from short to long? Chris to Christina?

Was the long version your real name or nothing to do with it?

Either way, if you are called Alexandra and call yourself Lex or Alex or whatever, it doesn't bloody matter if it's unisex, it's YOUR NAME

Not saying this is the scenario, but serious abusers have been known to change their victims names as a tactic to further erode their self esteem and depersonalise them. its one of the most sinister tactics encountered actually.

I could have it all wrong, but you need to be aware of this love.

Drew64 · 02/06/2015 17:27

Who cares...block him/unfriend him and forget him

Original poster

Lipgloss74 · 02/06/2015 18:11

Hissy I PMd you x

OP posts:

Justusemyname · 02/06/2015 18:17

You've had a very lucky escape!

Hissy · 02/06/2015 18:53

I'll pm you back in a bit, but suffice to say it WAS a whole other name... Similar, not derivative, but DIFFERENT.

Your real name is beautiful by the way, one of my absolute faves, and one you don't hear often.

the fact that he never used your real name in private either, and used babes is significant too, many abusers do this, it's more depersonalisation, it's a version of woman or bird they can get away with.

Theres a poster on the dating thread iirc who has the username DontCallMeBabes, its not just you... Far, far, FAR from it

Did you ever correct him and say, "it's xxxxxxxx, hi!" When he introduced you wrongly?

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