Why did he have to ask and why did I say yes?

[Donnaslayer]

Just rushing outta work today struggling to get my brolley out my bag (its raining hard outside) to catch my bus. I have a million and one things on my mind....

The security guard guy at reception stops and calls me over to the desk and says hey I wanted to ask if you want to go cinema with me? (Now apart from saying morning and bye...I hardly know this guy). I just stood there and said Oh Errrrr ok but im late for my bus so cant stop and left. Im then stood at the bus stop and on the way home am beating myself up. Asking why the hell did I just say yes......I don't even fancy him??? arghhh

Im 34 and literally have no dating experience and need some help and advice please ladies? Im very smiley, friendly and polite and think I have a serious problem at saying No and standing up for myself. Hence the agreed date! Mainly because I was caught out on the spot and because I didn't want to offend. I am just so rubbish!

I did try asking my mum for advice but her attitude was yay! Well go and see a film and you can go for a drink afterwards etc etc and more or less married me off to him. So probably the wrong person to ask lol but I dont really have friends I can ask.

My question to my mum was: isn't it unfair to go out with a guy you don't fancy? Isn't that not mean saying yes because that's letting him think he has a chance with you when he really don't? And isnt it also unfair on me having to go though an uncomfortable evening worrying if he's gonna try it on. And what if he holds my hand, puts his arm round me or trys for a kiss. When they want something men can be quite pushy. I find it hard holding my own. They just frightens the begebers outta me :-/

My mums attitude was Im stupid not to go, its a night out and besides you might find out he's a nice guy and looks arnt everything!...... Really Mum????

Yes I have been on my own for over a year but due to illness etc Ive not exactly been looking either. Isn't what my mum says just being desperate ? Im a realist I know there's no prince charming out there but jeeze do I really have to go out with the 1st guy that asks me or am I as my mum put it just being vain?

Just hating going work tomorrow now :-(

Fair enough that you don't fancy him, but assuming he doesn't repel you physically or mentally, you may as well. Treat it as practise!

Gi for it what's the worst that can happen!?

I agree with your mum , what have you got to loose? He might be lovely, you might hit it off or you might not, at least you get a night out.

Go for it, I wish someone would randomly ask me out, I would probably say 'yes' as I find it hard to say 'no'.

Blimey. That's a whole lot of angst.

If you don't want to go, don't go. Just tell him you're flattered but you're seeing someone if it makes it easier to let him down gently.

I agree that it's kinder to say not to the invite than give them false hope and turn them down later - I've had the same problems with saying no to people before, because I don't want to offend anyone!
This situation is a bit tricky, if you wanted you could go on this date and treat it as practice, but if you don't want to then you are well within your rights to tell him sorry but you've changed your mind and you're not interested, but you're flattered for his asking.
In future, you can always say something along the same lines, like "I'm flattered that you asked, but no thank you". Easier said than done!

You have the right to change your mind.

Yes, it will require a conversation that you will find awkward. But frankly, going on a date just so as not to appear rude is far more awkward. Right?

Either march up to him tomorrow, or wait for him to bring it up to set a date and time, but either way, say: "Thanks for the offer, but I don't want to go to the cinema with you."

"But you said yes yesterday!"

"That's right, but I've changed my mind and I don't want to go to the cinema with you."

"Why? What's wrong with me?"

"I just don't want to go to the cinema with you. Goodbye."

Don't expect his blessing, don't fall over yourself apologising. Just state the facts: you don't want to go to the cinema with him. Repeat if necessary in the face of whatever objection he brings up, and make an exit as swiftly as possible.

Medium-term, you should probably sign up to an assertiveness course and work on giving yourself permission to say "No."

I daren't answer, cos I'm with your mum.

tell him that you are having second thoughts because you are often way too exhausted for much socialising or dating these days because of your long term illness, and youd hate for him to get the wrong idea etc

Yes it could be good practice, but I think you're more in need of practising saying no!

Think about whether you want to go - not whether you'll hurt his feelings, not whether your mum thinks you should. Decide for yourself and act on that :)

Obviously it's up to you OP, but he might have been dying to ask you out for ages, so fair play to him for having the guts to ask you out to your face whilst sober.

Not everyone gets asked out during boring old day-to-day real life; usually it's in a pub or club whilst pissed up which is easy to do.

How about asking if you can go for a drink or coffee rather than the cinema where you have to sit in the dark awkwardly. Nothing wrong with a chat and he might turn out to be a potential friend, even if not a boyfriend.

"How about asking if you can go for a drink or coffee rather than the cinema where you have to sit in the dark awkwardly."

That's a good point; you don't know yet if he has wandering hands. A coffee shop date will see his hands staying firmly on his coffee cup, unless it's some type of sexy coffee shop that I haven't heard about yet.

Tell him that you have decided it would be a bad idea to have a date with someone who works in the same place as you, as it could be potentially embarrassing, but you really appreciate him asking.

I'd still go (you never know....) but... Change the date to lunchtime, and have somewhere to go (not with him!) after. The gym, a friend, something you can't cancel with a friend (or lie and say you have.) coffee shop is ideal. Public place, etc.

That means you avoid evening time, darkness,many possibility of alcohol and crucially, the dynamic is different.

'hi morning, thanks for the offer yesterday. but i thought about it and i am sort of seeing someone at the moment and it wouldn't be right all round.
smile
sorry.'

I think you should use it as practice unless you are absolutely horrifled by him.

These situations are brilliant for building dating skills.I went for dinner with a man who I didn't find attractive but I felt I could learn something or just enjoy myself. He was a perfect gent, we had a comfortable time in a nice restaurant. I gave him a peck on the cheek as I jumped in my taxi .I felt very much in control and it built my self esteem.

I had a similar date with another man who told me how amazing I seemed, really did wonders for my confidence, I wasn't interested in him but we remained good friends.I had quite a few dates like this and was in the swing of it when I met my husband..I felt so relaxed at dating and dh was smitten!

I think had dh been my first date in a while I would have had angst and maybe we wouldn't have got on so well.
You are a grown woman and I'm sure you can handle the situation..face the fear and do it (as the book says)

Go! I'm married to someone who initially I wasn't remotely interested in.

Same as bonzo. Madly I love with someone I didn't fancy at all before I got to know him.

I'm with your mum too. You've got to be open-minded about these things.

Something similar happened to me last week. I go to a local pub quiz as part of a meet up group - about 20 of us - there are regulars like me and others who come now and again. This guy who I'd say is at least 15 years older than me ( and I'm old!!!) has been coming along for a couple of months but because it's always busy I'd never had a chance to chat to him so don't really know him. Anyway last week we came 3rd and the prize was vouchers for a meal in the pub in the week. Lots of people weren't able to make it - he asked me if I wanted to go "just in a friendly way" ( his words) so I thought yes, why not, he's part of the team. I have other guy friends so thought it would just be an interesting evening out.

Well, no, he obviously thought it was a date and was coming on pretty strong. Of course I was then really embarrassed although I made it through the meal and was friendly. Afterwards I tried to work out whether I had somehow inadvertently given him the wrong signals but don't honestly think I did. I am quite chatty with people but doesn't mean I fancy them! He contacted me the following day to ask to meet again so I politely said I'd prefer to keep it as quiz friends only - apart from his behaviour we honestly also had very little in common. He was sort of Ok no problem lets just be friends but I notice he's now dropped out of future quiz nights.

Awkward! I tend to blame myself in these sort of situations so trying hard not to - don't expect the hand on the knee on a "friendly night out"

My advice would be don't - if it goes awry you have to see him at work every day.

Please don't practice dating on someone you have to see at work.

Not all men take rejection well. The chance of future unpleasantness is fairly high.

Got my practises mixed up.

I'm with catmaze, I think it is a bit risky because of the work situation. Practise saying no as that's a helpful skill to have.

Your mum's right! Attraction isn't just face value, it's that grin, the twinkle in the eyes, sense of humour, nice bum etc. Your only going on a date, you havent agreed to his hand in marriage!

If you know that you definitely do NOT fancy him even a tiny but, I'd say don't go on a "date" with him.

Catmaze is right- if he works in your building you'll have to see him everyday

And , if you're not very good at saying "no" is it possible that you could find yourself agreeing to further dates or awkward situations?...