Why did he have to ask and why did I say yes?

[Donnaslayer]

Just rushing outta work today struggling to get my brolley out my bag (its raining hard outside) to catch my bus. I have a million and one things on my mind....

The security guard guy at reception stops and calls me over to the desk and says hey I wanted to ask if you want to go cinema with me? (Now apart from saying morning and bye...I hardly know this guy). I just stood there and said Oh Errrrr ok but im late for my bus so cant stop and left. Im then stood at the bus stop and on the way home am beating myself up. Asking why the hell did I just say yes......I don't even fancy him??? arghhh

Im 34 and literally have no dating experience and need some help and advice please ladies? Im very smiley, friendly and polite and think I have a serious problem at saying No and standing up for myself. Hence the agreed date! Mainly because I was caught out on the spot and because I didn't want to offend. I am just so rubbish!

I did try asking my mum for advice but her attitude was yay! Well go and see a film and you can go for a drink afterwards etc etc and more or less married me off to him. So probably the wrong person to ask lol but I dont really have friends I can ask.

My question to my mum was: isn't it unfair to go out with a guy you don't fancy? Isn't that not mean saying yes because that's letting him think he has a chance with you when he really don't? And isnt it also unfair on me having to go though an uncomfortable evening worrying if he's gonna try it on. And what if he holds my hand, puts his arm round me or trys for a kiss. When they want something men can be quite pushy. I find it hard holding my own. They just frightens the begebers outta me :-/

My mums attitude was Im stupid not to go, its a night out and besides you might find out he's a nice guy and looks arnt everything!...... Really Mum????

Yes I have been on my own for over a year but due to illness etc Ive not exactly been looking either. Isn't what my mum says just being desperate ? Im a realist I know there's no prince charming out there but jeeze do I really have to go out with the 1st guy that asks me or am I as my mum put it just being vain?

Just hating going work tomorrow now :-(

Can I ask why, at the age of 34, have you never been out with anyone?

Of course you are going to be wary, but where did you get the idea that you'll be pawed by this man?

That is not acceptable in situations like a first meeting/date. A cinema is a good idea, as you don't have to spend all the time talking, but afterwards you can go and have a drink and you have the film to talk about if nothing else.

If you are concerned that you don't want to commit to a cinema date, why not suggest coffee?

PS- some men aren't very good at handling rejection & he might feel confused or annoyed if you agree to a date and then have to explain you don't want to take things further- especially when you'll have to see him at work everyday.

if you really have a serious problem saying no and standing up for yourself I think you need to address that before dating anyone because quite frankly I'd be worried for you and your safety.

I meant to add the word gently to my question about your relationship history, sorry was distracted

I'm sort of on the mum fence. On the one hand, of course you shouldn't feel obliged to go on a date with someone just because they ask, and if you're feeling panicky at the thought, then you'll have to tell him you've changed your mind. Which will be awkward but another kind of practice, I suppose!

BUT, reading between the lines, you're making quite a lot of assumptions about the poor guy - that he's the 'wandering hand' type, who'll be 'quite pushy' and try it on in the back row. Not all men are like that, honest. Obviously you know him and we don't, and if you're getting a pushy vibe off him, then listen to your instincts. But what about something one lunchtime where you can see his hands and talk to him? He might turn out to be very different outside the office, and if you go out for a sandwich there's a natural start/finish point to the 'date'. Then if he asks you out again, for a more date-y date, to a film or something, if you don't feel it's right, you can say, I really enjoyed chatting to you over lunch, but I don't think it's a good idea to see people from work.

You're not being vain or fussy, you're just being quite self-protective, which is understandable if you've had bad experiences. But maybe ask yourself what situations you'd be happy to be asked out in? Most dates/relationships do start with a little jump into the unknown...

Because it's not me, I'm with your mum

If it was me and I would have said yes just as you did I'd be flipping out over it too.

But go, see if he's nice and if you like him at all. If you don't want to go, you still have to reject him since you've already said yes, so you may as well see if there's anything worth finding first.

Give it a go. You never know. How do you know if you fancy him or not...you don't know him. Give it a go! Best date(s) of my life (errr and relationship) was with a guy who chatted me up in the gym. Not my usual type and blew my world!

So.....what happened OP?!?

Please update us!

I married the guy I went on a dat with and didn't initially fancy. Turned out he was a lovely person. Fancy him like mad now and did pretty soon tbh. Together nearly 20 years now .

Just go it's only one flipping date.

I would go - you are over thinking. Your feelings may change once you get to know him. Even if they don't, it's possible that you both realise on the date you are better off as friends. And it may turn out that, as friends, he invites you to a party he's having ...at which you meet your Mr Right.

You can never know too many people!