I Don't Know What To Do

[soapydopeybubbles]

I've been struggling with depression almost constantly for the last 10 years and it's got to the stage where I feel as though there's only one way out.

DS (14 months) deserves a better mum and DH deserves a better wife than the miserable, guilty, self harming, suicidal wreck that I've become.

I take my antidepressants, attend counselling and engage with my GP and mental health services but I can't get up in the morning, I can't get to sleep at night. I only have to look after DS on my own two days per week and even that's more than I can cope with.

I just want everything to stop; to go to sleep and never wake up but I also know that it's a terribly selfish thing to want. I can't believe that anyone would really care if I was gone but they'd still have to clear up the mess that I'd leave behind.

I'm scared and in pain and I don't know what to do.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. People will care, I can promise you that much. have you called your GP and told them exactly how you feel and that you're scared to be alone? I don't know the ins and outs of mental health care at all but I didn't want to read and run. Do you have anyone who could come and sit with you right now?

You're dealing with a huge amount for anybody, let alone someone with such a backstory of depression.

It strikes me that the support you are accessing isn't really helping you enough, if you feel so low.

Do you have a trusted psychiatric professional you can really confide in, preferably quite soon? Will your DP look after your DC tomorrow?

Hi, I've never posted before but couldn't just read and run. This is exactly how I felt after having DS2.
The most reassuring thing for you right now is that you are completely aware of the situation you are in and you've been trying.
I've also suffered depression for many years (on and off since I was 14) and can say something actually did work for me. Counselling did not, as I never felt like they understood me. Just nodded the whole time. Antidepressants although good at the start ended up making me feel numb and more detached from the world. I too have self harmed and tried to commit suicide.
After DS2 was born my depression kicked up a notch and they diagnosed me with PND. This got so bad the Crisis Care Team ended up coming to my house and tried to take me away for my own safety. I convinced them that I only live for my children and to take me away from them would make it worse.
Then one woman from the crisis Team said (looking back extremely bluntly) "you can't sit waiting to be happy, it isn't your husband or you mums job to make you happy, it's yours. What do you do to make yourself happy"
It was a realisation for me. I downloaded an app called "How Are You Feeling?" Which notifies you every hour to input exactly how (on the colour scale) you are feeling. It helped me realise when I was starting to get too down and I could ask myself how am I going to be able to press "good" in an hours time? And actively do something to make myself happy. And i was able to do that because I hadn't hit rock bottom yet.
This may not work for you, but I thought it was worth a try since nothing really worked for me either, until this.
Just know that although you've been dealing with this for 10 long years, the way you at feeling right now isn't forever. It does and will get better.

I'm glad you did post, whenitgetsbetter. That is such a positive (and as you say, blunt) story, from someone who has been there.

The community mental health team is coming tomorrow and I'm dreading it. I'll be put onto another antidepressant and told to get out more and make some mummy friends.

I've got so little energy today that I can barely talk. DS keeps shouting mumma and I can't even bring myself to respond to him. How long is it going to be before he realises what an utterly shit mum I am and starts to hate me for it.

Oh soapy he won't hate you, ever. You're his mummy and he loves you.
Please try to see that.
My heart goes out to you as I know those feelings that you are experiencing when it feels like depression is taking/has took control and there's nothing more you can do to fix it, other than what you already are.
Try not to be so hard on yourself, you don't want to feel this way and you have sought help. It will get better.

Great post from Whenit

I hope that you find some light and some energy soon. The world is a wonderful place and you deserve to appreciate that - I hope that happens really soon for you. All the best.

At my lowest moments I remind myself of the heartache of dc whose parents have committed suicide - how that impacts on them that they weren't "enough" for their parents to keep going. I can honestly say if I didn't have dc I would probably not be here but I keep going for them so they don't carry that burden.

I'm not the best Mum I could be and sometimes that is overwhelming to face.

I also agree that we do have responsibility for our own happiness (wish we didn't, wish there was a magic wand). It took trying very many anti depressants to find any that helped at all, I am struggling with the realisation that I'll be on them for the rest of my life but perhaps my emotional brain is "faulty" and that is what I need.

Hang on in there, stop nodding your head and start telling the professionals that it isn't helping yet and how bad you really do feel.

I would also like to add my input, I second what whenit has written. You can get better, I had 10 years too and nothing helped me and eventually I helped myself. Stopped moping and dwelling, accepted the feeling of depression and anxiety. Used mindfulness to float past any negative thoughts and I got focused on living again. You can do this, don't believe the lie you tell yourself that your trapped this way and doomed. Create a new truth for yourself

I don't know you and this is Mumsnet.

Nonetheless, I am going to send you love, and gentle hugs from someone who knows first-hand what it is to want, long, struggle and yearn to do what she things is right and still can't do it.

Your baby doesn't want any other mother in the world but you. Your baby doesn't want you gone. A broken, struggling mum who loves him is more precious to him than a thousand competent, cheerful substitutes. I know. I'm the one who had the schizophrenic mother who had manic episodes and was dangerously paranoid, according to her medical notes. I wanted her there, and I wanted her to love me.

I've had my own depressions, years and years long, and anxiety so great that I still can't do normal things like open letters without fear, or pay bills, or organise my life.

But I'm not in pain the way you are. I'm getting better. I don't have medication but I've had loads of talking therapy. The App mentioned upthread sounds good.

It seems hopeless. It seems like eternal nothingness would be better. But it can pass. You can heal. Hold on. Keep breathing. Keep reaching out.

Wishing you signs of recovery to encourage you as you go.

things? that would be 'thinks'.

Hi soapydopeybubbles,

We're really sorry you're feeling so very low.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but we're relieved to see you're receiving real life help and support as well. If you take a look at the link, there may be other organisations which could offer you further support.

Sorry for hijacking your thread soapy, and we really hope things start to look up for you soon.

I'm begging you to ask for different pills. I was at rock bottom and wanted to die every day it was hell. It got too much I rang my gp and my anti depressants were no longer affective. They changed they within two weeks I felt better than I had for 8 years. Now so well I'm no longer depressed but it is managed by the tablets. Please go to your gp and beg for new medication

Just thinking of you and hoping for better times very soon. Depression is an awful illness but one you can get better from. Properly better.

Hope you can sleep and the appointment tomorrow is helpful. Try to be utterly honest, they are there to help, not judge.x