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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

not sure how to react-opinions needed

41 replies

oabiti · 31/05/2015 21:28

Hi. I just want some opinions on how to handle this situation.

I've been dating a guy now for some time now. I'd say we've been on about twenty dates plus I've spent time at his house.

Anyway, things have been going (seemingly) okay. There were plans for me to meet his mother & stepfather, having already met his sister.

He seemed grounded, divorced for a year, good relationship with his children, own house, good job, etc.

Anyway, we have been speaking every day since we met & have struck up a closeness. So, I was on WhatsApp earlier & out of the blue he says 'I think there is something you need to know. I'm a pisshead & I don't want you getting involved with the likes of me'. Now, this suprised me as even though he would have a few drinks when we went for a meal, he never got drunk. But then I suppose you don't have to be drunk to be dependent on alcohol.

So, do I reply to him or do I cut my losses? Clearly, if he is an alcoholic then there is no way I would want to continue being with him, as I've been there before. Do I ask him questions or do I just leave it? I guess also I'm a bit annoyed as to why he didn't tell me before now, but I guess he has his reasons.

OP posts:

chairmeoh · 31/05/2015 21:32

I'd ask a few more questions before throwing in the towel completely.

Was it definitely him on whatsapp? Could it have been a 'friend'?

Is he a binge drinker? Does he consider himself an alcoholic?

Has he been hiding his drinking from you?

Sisi13 · 31/05/2015 21:33

A very wise person once said. When a person tells you who they are believe them. I love this advice and its served me well.

In my opinion if you get involved with him and it starts to go wrong, he will say I tried to tell you!! Run as fast as your legs can go!!

flora717 · 31/05/2015 21:34

Yes. Absolutely. He either does have a problem or he's looking for an excuse to jump. Either way, he's self destructive. Take the out.

SlicedPan · 31/05/2015 21:35

Double, triple and quadruple this ^^

SlicedPan · 31/05/2015 21:36

Format fail...

Basically am in complete agreement with sisi

Reekypear · 31/05/2015 21:40

I second others......he's giving himself a get out clause, building a story to say I told you so.

But I think it needs to be talked about in a adult way first, because it's a bit teenager to say that on what's app.

But was it him?

pictish · 31/05/2015 21:40

"I don't want to get involved with a pisshead either so thanks for telling me. I'll leave it there as you suggest."

TokenGinger · 31/05/2015 21:42

I had a relationship with somebody who was an alcoholic. I wish I'd have listened to the warning signs early on.

He never really appeared "drunk" but would have between 8 and 16 cans a night depending on what time he was in work the next day. He'd also take vodka and coke in a coca cola bottle to work.

I loved him. I thought I could fix him. But because he couldn't admit he had a problem, I couldn't help.

It was awful. I'd wake up smelling of alcohol because he sweat it out on me in the night. He'd lose contact for a few days because he'd go out on the piss. He'd get angry at the drop of a hat. I was walking on eggshells. He'd say he'd be somewhere at a certain time, and he'd turn up hours later because there was a pub on the way.

None of this became apparent until a year in to the relationship. If he's giving you warning signs, it's because he cares enough about you not to give you that lifestyle.

Ask him more questions but please listen to him and value yourself and your life x

Eigg · 31/05/2015 21:43

Phone him for goodness sake. This could easily be someone else messing with his phone.

If not then it's in no way sensible to have this conversation via whatsapp.

Speak to him in person and then decide.

Str1p3yl3af · 31/05/2015 21:43

Yes - was it definitely him?

If it was then honestly get out now.

pictish · 31/05/2015 21:46

I mean it's a shame of course, if you liked him and could envision a future together...but it would be a foolish move to ignore what he has told you.

It's one of two things.
a) He genuinely thinks you deserve better. Which you do.
b) He's testing your boundaries and waiting to see how much of his shit you're willing to put up with for the sake of the relationship.

Either way it's a no goer. You can't commit to seeing it out with him at this stage...that would be sheer folly.

Original poster

oabiti · 31/05/2015 21:49

Thank you for your advice, guys. Yes, it was definitely him as we'd been talking about meeting up at some point in the week.

I have just text him (not on WhatsApp) to tell him we need to chat.

OP posts:

Gorgonzolacherry · 31/05/2015 21:49

Sounds like somebody else has taken his phone and sent the message to me. The language he used doesn't seem like that used by the man you describe at the start of your op. Phone him and ask him. If it is him, then I agree with the others. Exit now.

Original poster

oabiti · 31/05/2015 21:51

Pictish, you're spot on.

OP posts:

Original poster

oabiti · 01/06/2015 08:07

Morning. Just an update. He rang this morning but missed call as was in bath. He left a voice msg apologising 'unreservedly' for being an idiot last night & that he had said those things because he had missed me

He doesn't live locally, so it wasn't like I could drop everything & go around there.

To be honest, I'm not sure what I want to do about it. Do I put it down to drunken rabblings or do I tell him to do one as this is a sign of things to come. In his defence, this is the first blip of it's kind...

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 01/06/2015 08:13

This is your big fat warning

ignore at your peril

undoubtedly · 01/06/2015 08:15

No no no no no no. Red flags ahoy.

He's either:

A pisshead (LTB)
A juvenile twat who sends texts and then gives some half arsed excuse as to why once he's sobered up (LTB)

He sounds like a kid. Walk away now.

AlternativeTentacles · 01/06/2015 08:16

If they were drunken ramblings, does this not reinforce that he is a pisshead?

What are you going to chat about exactly? He has told you that he is an alcoholic. Do you really want to be with an alcoholic?

Rozalia · 01/06/2015 08:18

If it was drunken ramblings it is a sign of things to come. I'm with AF, and practically everyone else, on this.

Do you know why he's divorced? Really?

undoubtedly · 01/06/2015 08:20

How does 'I think there is something you need to know. I'm a pisshead & I don't want you getting involved with the likes of me' = "I miss you"??

no no no

Original poster

oabiti · 01/06/2015 08:27

Yes, you are all right, which is why I have not replied! And undoubtedly, I couldn't make than equation either

Thank you all for giving my head a wobble. I will venture unto pastures new

OP posts:

undoubtedly · 01/06/2015 08:34

I think you dodged a bullet there.

newstart15 · 01/06/2015 08:35

I would not continue with him.My ex had a drinking problem and I realised early on I had seen the warning signs but ignored them.To be fair I was young and didn't recognise the behaviour.

This is the classic cycle, he screws up, begs forgiveness until the next time.
It's the first blip because he felt secure enough with you to drop his guard, this is the real him.The past 20 dates he has been on best behaviour.
I'm sure he'a charming, witty and caring but life with a drinker is awful.You have just had a glimpse of the unpredictability.

Superworm · 01/06/2015 08:36

Either way he made you question everything. It's a game and he's manipulating you. There will be more to come. Run.

undoubtedly · 01/06/2015 08:38

Yep, I wish my ex had given me such a clear signal. It's not fun.

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