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Original poster

not sure how to react-opinions needed

41 replies

oabiti · 31/05/2015 21:28

Hi. I just want some opinions on how to handle this situation.

I've been dating a guy now for some time now. I'd say we've been on about twenty dates plus I've spent time at his house.

Anyway, things have been going (seemingly) okay. There were plans for me to meet his mother & stepfather, having already met his sister.

He seemed grounded, divorced for a year, good relationship with his children, own house, good job, etc.

Anyway, we have been speaking every day since we met & have struck up a closeness. So, I was on WhatsApp earlier & out of the blue he says 'I think there is something you need to know. I'm a pisshead & I don't want you getting involved with the likes of me'. Now, this suprised me as even though he would have a few drinks when we went for a meal, he never got drunk. But then I suppose you don't have to be drunk to be dependent on alcohol.

So, do I reply to him or do I cut my losses? Clearly, if he is an alcoholic then there is no way I would want to continue being with him, as I've been there before. Do I ask him questions or do I just leave it? I guess also I'm a bit annoyed as to why he didn't tell me before now, but I guess he has his reasons.

OP posts:
pictish · 01/06/2015 08:38

I agree with newstart. I can see how tempting it must be to just sweep this aside as a one-off blip, but yeah...after 20 dates of good behaviour, he is obviously struggling to keep it up.
You have been warned. Stick it out at your peril.

GrumpleMe · 01/06/2015 08:50

He could be getting cold feet about how the relationship is progressing, and had a moment of panic. It happens. Been there, done that. Blush

Have you been happy to this point? If so, I'd give him a chance to explain properly, and see how I felt then.

Original poster
oabiti · 01/06/2015 09:29

Yes, superworm, even if he hadn't declared he was a 'pisshead', the mind-games, I can do without x

OP posts:
Original poster
oabiti · 01/06/2015 09:32

Yes, 'grumpleme', he was fine up until now.

OP posts:
pictish · 01/06/2015 10:32

I'd be totally disillusioned after a message like that - blip or not.
Even if, in the best case scenario, it was an impulsive, ill judged one-off, it's still dodgy. It's self pitying, manipulative and designed to cause you worry and doubt. It's indicative of an attitude.

Why does he want to put a fly in the ointment and have you question the relationship? Was he hoping you would message him straight back to reassure him of your unconditional love no matter what?

Despite his clever wording to the contrary, it was undoubtedly propelled by selfish reasons. He is letting you know that the dynamic will be you in a supportive role to him. It will be about his problems, his insecurities and the love of a good woman such as yourself to enable them.

I think he expected a reassuring response and when he didn't get one, he back-pedalled and said it was nothing. It wasn't nothing. It was something...and you know it. He didn't misjudge the sentiment, he misjudged you.

Don't go there. I'm warning you.

pictish · 01/06/2015 10:41

At this stage (20 dates in) he ought to be all about impressing you, not setting you up as his crutch who will suck up his shit.

pocketsaviour · 01/06/2015 10:47

I think he expected a reassuring response and when he didn't get one, he back-pedalled and said it was nothing.

I think pictish is spot on.

Original poster
oabiti · 01/06/2015 12:15

Yes, Pictish, you are right.

I've just had a rambling msg from him, basically saying he's not over his, wife, distance is a problem, yada yada...interestingly, there was no mention of him being a 'pisshead'Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
oabiti · 01/06/2015 12:16

Sorry, meant exwife..

OP posts:
Skiptonlass · 01/06/2015 12:47

Run for the hills. Late night rambling messages = drunk.

pictish is correct - he's testing to see what you'll put up with. That or drunken self pity.

Get out of this now.

Eigg · 01/06/2015 12:49

In that case oabiti I'd be walking away personally.

AnyFucker · 01/06/2015 13:02

what a nob

Original poster
oabiti · 01/06/2015 13:07

Yes, eigg, I intend to walk away. He's just messaged again, saying 'sorry for the hurt'Hmm

Definitely playing games

OP posts:
Original poster
oabiti · 01/06/2015 13:09

Anyfucker, spot on.

OP posts:
GrumpleMe · 01/06/2015 13:10

He wants out, and is giving you a list of reasons why YOU need to end it for him.

tippytap · 01/06/2015 13:12

Thing is, if you don't end it now, you'll be waiting for the next 'blip', which may be months down the line when you've invested more time in this relationship. So you'll think, well it's only a couple of times. Til it happens again, when maybe you're thinking of moving in together, and so you won't want to give up on a good relationship because of a few blips. And so it goes on with your boundaries and 'lines in the sand' becoming fluid and you becoming more and more unhappy......

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