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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would this piss you off?

38 replies

Shitforbricks · 30/05/2015 12:14

DP went on an optional works 'do' yesterday with an overnight stay, apparently partners weren't invited.

He mentioned it a few months ago but nothing since, no date, no nothing. Rings me yesterday and tells me he's on his way and that he's staying overnight. I was gobsmacked, he hasn't said anything at all about this let alone staying overnight to me at all. I stayed calm and just said, I didn't know and he said, I told you ages ago, my reply was, yes but no dates about when or anything about staying over. He also let slip that someone's partner was going.

I'm not pissed about the event or stay, I'm pissed that he has had plenty of time to tell me and hasn't.

We don't live together just to clarify, am I overreacting?

OP posts:

Horsemad · 30/05/2015 12:17

I think I'd be miffed, especially if it turned out that partners were allowed.

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 30/05/2015 12:17

Yes it would piss me off, he knows very well what he's done.

I would be very suspicious. Is he home yet?

Theoldcauliflower · 30/05/2015 12:19

If be totally peed off and wonder why he didn't want me there tbh!

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 30/05/2015 12:21

I'd be pissed off too. You could have something planned. He didnt even tell you face to face.

Original poster

Shitforbricks · 30/05/2015 12:22

Thanks all, I'm totally pissed off and he knows he's dropped a bollock as he was blowing up my phone whilst sober last night, but once pissed it stopped. He has text this morning and is now home but hasn't told me.

OP posts:

chairmeoh · 30/05/2015 12:23

The overnight stay wouldn't bother me. You don't live together so presumably don't spend every evening together? Live independent lives?

But the partner thing would definitely piss me off. He owes you an explanation and apology. How committed is he to your relationship?

AmyElliotDunne · 30/05/2015 12:23

Yes, it would piss me off that the only time he mentioned it was months ago and expected me to remember and to come up with a date and time in my head! Plus the other partner going would make me feel excluded.

How long have you been together and does he often do things that make you feel like he's taking the piss?

Original poster

Shitforbricks · 30/05/2015 12:24

Well that's what I'm kind of asking myself now, been together 3 years.

I'm not bothered about him going or staying, it's the lack of communication and consideration that's totally pissed me off.

OP posts:

AmyElliotDunne · 30/05/2015 12:24

Would you normally see him ona Friday night?

Original poster

Shitforbricks · 30/05/2015 12:25

It depends to be honest, sometimes yes, sometimes no but still, he should have told me

OP posts:

AmyElliotDunne · 30/05/2015 12:27

Tbh, I can't think of many things I'd rather do LESS than accompany DP ona works do, but I would at least like to be asked and for him to keep me in the loop if I was expecting him to be here.

Do you have DCs, would there have been hassle trying to sort childcare if you'd come along? Just trying to think if he mentioned no partners to save you the aggravation of trying to get some help if he only remembered at the last minute?

Casmama · 30/05/2015 12:28

I think if you have been together for 3 years and don't live together I would be asking whether it was going anywhere but there are maybe good reasons for it

Original poster

Shitforbricks · 30/05/2015 12:30

Amy....you're totally grasping at straws but thanks lol.

No, child care is not an issue and I wouldn't have wanted to go, quite happy for him to go alone, just feel really shitty that I'm clearly not important enough for him to at least give me the common decency of communicating it, especially when he had to book his own hotel room!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Shitforbricks · 30/05/2015 12:31

Cas....have been thinking that for a few weeks anyway and this just compounds that maybe I'm not that important to him.

OP posts:

Casmama · 30/05/2015 12:44

Maybe time to ditch him and look for someone who prioritises you. Sorry that's probably not what you wanted to hear but continuing with someone who makes you feel unimportant is not good for your self esteem.

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 30/05/2015 12:52

Two potentialreasons he's done this

You're not a priority to him. Doesn't think you're important enough to discuss this with.

He didn't want to give you the option of going incase you said yes and potentially spoil his fun.

TBH my first thought was that he's seeing someone else, or wanted the chance to and didn't want you around.

My ex booked a weeks holiday with the lads to Magaluf and didn't tell me until the day before they were leaving. He 'forgot'

Stupidly I stick around and wasted 4 more years with the arsehole until I saw sense.

He's doesn't deserve you.

Lovingfreedom · 30/05/2015 12:57

I'd guess he sees it as quite an informal relationship/dating where he doesn't feel the need to tell you what he's doing when it doesn't involve you.

Original poster

Shitforbricks · 30/05/2015 13:00

I think you're both right in what you're saying but think that the other reason he didn't tell me was because he thought id give him some grief for it, I wouldn't but sometimes that's how his mind works.

Although I'm going with option 1, which sucks.

Supposed to be seeing him later and don't really know what to say to him now. ??

OP posts:

WanderingAboutRandomly · 30/05/2015 13:05

Is it not possible that he just forgot?

SylvaniansAtEase · 30/05/2015 13:07

Well, he made damn sure you weren't going to get the chance to suggest that you came with him, was he?

Quite well played, actually...

Telling you way in advance (so that you'd forget, but he can say 'I told you'). Then not mentioning it AT ALL (not even when booking rooms etc.) until he was en route, so you couldn't suggest coming. And once he was on his way, it didn't matter so much that you found out partners could come - you couldn't have argued that you should too.

Bottom line - if it was a do that partners could come to, and a big enough one to involve hotel rooms, then a normal partner would think 'Ooh great, we could make a night of it, have a night away in a hotel etc.' Especially if you don't live together and don't get to see one another all the time. Instead he made damn sure that his nice exciting night off was thoroughly engineered so that he was in the young, free and single position and you were well away.

Massive, massive alarm bells, in fact I'd put money on him either having his eye on someone else or fancying a night of flirting and maybe getting lucky with his nice empty hotel room. Sorry - but if you already feel that something isn't right, I'd listen to what this says about the relationship.

Original poster

Shitforbricks · 30/05/2015 13:07

How can he forget when he had to take a change of clothes and book his own hotel room?

OP posts:

Original poster

Shitforbricks · 30/05/2015 13:10

Sylvanians..... I'm going with your last paragraph sadly.....

It's made me feel shitty, really shitty in fact, going to have to get my thoughts together for the conversation later

OP posts:

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 30/05/2015 13:12

Spot on Sylvanians.

OP you're supposed to be seeing him later? Just go out. Lock the door. When he rings to see where you are just tell him you told him and he must have forgotten.

Any mates you can call on to do something with tonight?

Original poster

Shitforbricks · 30/05/2015 13:17

Yes lots of mates but I need to end things with him and won't do it over the phone, I have this burning desire to explain how he's made me feel and the consequences he now has to put up with because of it.

OP posts:

SylvaniansAtEase · 30/05/2015 13:19

Sorry OP

Really, the best case scenario here is that your partner absolutely busted a gut to make sure you couldn't have any way of coming with him to an all night party. And that's no good at all.

At least you know where you stand. Don't waste any more time, especially if this is just the cherry on top of other crap.

Oh and I like the idea of cancelling tonight - just text 'Sorry going to have to cancel this evening, something's come up'. If you don't want to have an awkward conversation right now, that's fine. Please yourself - he did!

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