Would this piss you off?

[Shitforbricks]

DP went on an optional works 'do' yesterday with an overnight stay, apparently partners weren't invited.

He mentioned it a few months ago but nothing since, no date, no nothing. Rings me yesterday and tells me he's on his way and that he's staying overnight. I was gobsmacked, he hasn't said anything at all about this let alone staying overnight to me at all. I stayed calm and just said, I didn't know and he said, I told you ages ago, my reply was, yes but no dates about when or anything about staying over. He also let slip that someone's partner was going.

I'm not pissed about the event or stay, I'm pissed that he has had plenty of time to tell me and hasn't.

We don't live together just to clarify, am I overreacting?

Ah that's different - if you're fired up, roast him goooood (and then go out with said mates).

Good luck OP. Partnerships should be better than this. You're worth a lot more.

Thanks Sylvanians but I need to have my say and you're right I deserve a damn aight more than this, after all this to me is just common decency and that seems to be missing in bucket loads

My partner does things like this all the time. Recently, he mentioned going to see some friends in Swanseq for the weekend but didn't say he was definitely going. He was meant to see me the Friday night but he became mysteriously ill (he doesn't live with me either) so couldn't come over. Then I got a text the next morning telling me he was just on the motorway on his way to Wales. The he says things like "oh I thought I told you" or "I told you about it, you just have forgotten" and my most favourite thing is when he arranges things and I find out about them via social media. He used to be in a band and he mentioned a tour in America but again wasn't definite. A week before he was due to go, I found out on Twitter he was going. He was going to America for two weeks and didn't bother to tell me. Anyway sorry for hijacking lol just saying I know exactly how frustrating it is.

The way I see it is, my partner thinks I don't like him doing stuff without me (I don't care what he does, I only get angry when he doesn't bother to tell me) and therefore he will lie or not tell me things until it's too last minute for him to back out and then he can go and just deal with the consequences later. Maybe that is true here, he thought you might not be happy with him going so he has just gone, will have a nice time, and worry about you when he gets back. Whatever his reasoning, it's disrespectful. So yeah I would be pissed off and wouldn't blame you for wanting to end things, many many times I have considered doing the same.

Yes my DP is the same but I've explained to him in the past I'm not pissed at you for what you're doing it's the way you don't tell me that's bothers me and makes me feel unimportant.

I don't want to end it but I just don't see an end to the way these things keep popping up, I've talked to him on the occasions it happened and it keeps happening and this particular one is a biggie in the disrespect area for me.....it just shows how unimportant I am to him to try and change the way he communicates or not as in this case

Echoing what another poster said in terms of, is it not possible he forgot? And not in meaning to forget to tell you, but forgetting that he hadn't told you?

I did this a few weeks ago with the guy I'm dating. I asked him if he'd mind giving me a lift to the train station at the weekend and he said oh, where are you off to? And I said London, I told you. And he said you did yeh, you just hadn't mentioned the dates.

So, had I have not needed him to take me to the station, he'd probably have got a similar message of me saying I was going there, at what appeared to be short notice. But in actual fact, I just thought I'd told him the dates when I hadn't. So as I thought I had, when booking my train and accommodation, it wouldn't cross my mind to tell him again.

Honestly if I didn't live with someone I probably wouldn't feel the need to tell them stuff like that. Not sure why I should either?

If it was a work do involving an overnight, his company probably booked the rooms. He might have put his name on a list months ago.

I have never ever brought my DH to a work event. It just isn't the done thing where I work. None of the guys I work with are trying to keep their options open or anything like that, it's just how things are.

And he did tell you it was planned. Perhaps you both forgot.

I understand that you may not feel important to him, but I don't think not telling you in advance about a night out when you don't live together and didn't affect any plans you had is an effect of that.

I have to disagree with the PP, I think it's just basic respect. If he's going the pub with his mates or something then yeah, if he doesn't live with her then it's not something he necessarily needs to tell her. But if you're going to go away for the weekend, it's just common courtesy to let your partner know. My partner doesn't live with me, when he's not here, he might go to the pub, I know he plays football, does he see his mates or his brothers? Maybe, probably, I'm not 100% sure what he does when he's not here unless he tells me. But when it comes to the days where he is meant to be here, and that includes weekends, if he wants to go ahead and do something else then he should at the very least let me know. Go the pub with your mates: don't have to tell me. In my case, planning on going to America for two weeks: tell me.

OP I do understand your frustration, it is just downright rude imo to not tell your partner about important plans you've made. I have been majorly pissed off way too many times to count at my partner for this exact same thing but it probably wouldn't make me end things. Maybe when he gets home, explain that this one has kind of been the tip of the iceberg and that you would like to know in advance about this kind of thing because when he springs it on you so last minute, it doesn't give you time to make alternative plans. That's one of the things that annoys me most, my friends are all busy people and we always have to make plans in advance so when my partner does go somewhere last minute, it leaves me without plans and I find that a bit unfair. Maybe if you explain it that way to your partner it will reinforce the fact that you don't care if he wants to go and do things without you but he should let you know in advance just because it's respectful and allows you to go and do something yourself.

3 years is a long time to be with someone and them treat you like that, not the same as just "dating" IMHO

I hate the argument when they say oh I didn't tell you in case you got mad - so it all of a sudden becomes your fault. I would also wonder why after 3 years you don't live together. I agree he didn't tell you as he prob has his eye on someone else. You deserve better.

If I was going to a works do and I didn't live with my boyfriend, I probably would have mentioned it in passing but nothing more than that. For me, not living with someone means not having to account for my every move.

Well, I think it depends what sort of work do it was. I wouldn't think twice about going on a work do and do not being invited, though I would tell him, it would be in the calendar.

If I wasn't living with someone I don't think I'd take them to work do, partners means serious partners.

So to me the issue comes down to why you're not living together cos three years sounds serious and time to be making those moves.

*dp, not do

He clearly feels that your relationship is not serious enough to tell you what he does and when. Are you just dating?