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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

A couple of years on

73 replies

Hessen · 30/05/2015 11:03

I'm a 33 year old man, and divorce has just gone through from my school sweetheart. After 15 years together, we separated 2.5 years ago when I left because she didn't love me any more and I felt that I deserved more.

It was a very weird separation, she has never said or shown remotely that she's missed me, we never cheated on each other, we never shouted or argued, she just stopped loving me and I didn't want our daughter to grow up seeing loveless behaviour from her mum as the norm. It also hurt me on a daily basis because I did, and still do, love her very much.

Although we are both much happier in new relationships, I still find it hard regularly because we interact daily to discuss our daughter, and I automatically care and want her approval and love, but she very much sees me as a distant ex. I love very deeply, and thought she did too, so it's very hard to accept that she can so easily dismiss 15 years, a marriage, having a child together, growing up together and all of the memories that we had.

No idea what to do to cope, I focus a lot of time and energy on my daughter, my career, my new partner, but it isn't enough to stop my heartache when she is so cold towards me, or my regular thoughts thinking back about the relationship and not wanting to regret the time.

OP posts:

Themrmen · 31/05/2015 11:06

Sorry but I think you seem like a but of a nightmare ex. You have daily lengthy conversations, you require her to validate you and tell you how great you are and are annoyed that she doesn't. Do you not think that daily conversations are the last thing she wants, she probably wants to move on and have a bit of distance from the relationship but you don't seem willing to do that. It's not her job to validate you and why should she congratulate you on being a good dad, you're not doing her a favour you are helping raise your child.

I think the daily conversations need to stop, it's not fair on you, your ex or your new dp. The fact is you're not a family unit anymore and need to accept that.

Stop lolling to your ex for emotional fulfilment it's not her responsibility.

You mention you support her financially again that's what all exs do or at least should do.

I don't mean to be harsh and before you say it I have no issues or man hating but I think you need to seriously step back and leave your ex to move on from you

Anniegetyourgun · 31/05/2015 11:11

I don't think anyone's implying you asked for/deserved this because you instigated the split. I think generally what it means is that "you" as in, people whose relationships have ended, are now not in that relationship any more and therefore the little perks of it, such as indulging in reminiscence together, just have to be let go. It sounds as though what you did was the right call and it is fine to remember your partner fondly. But she is not open to strolling hand-in-hand down memory lane.

I have a lot of memories - ex-husband, small children who have now grown up, jobs I've been in, parents and other relatives who are no longer with us - and they will pop up quite often, but they are just that: memories of the past. I was lucky enough to have a lovely mother (although she did have her fair share of Issues!), but she died so I can't talk to her any more. You had a nice marriage but that died too. It may always have a place in your heart but it doesn't have a place in your day-to-day life. Or, like a house where you had many good times and then had to sell, you can't go back as it belongs to someone else now. (OK, you're not nearly as bad as XH, who kept going back to the former marital home until the new owners got jittery and threatened to call the police! But trying to talk about past things when your ex doesn't want to is still a bit annoying.)

Melonfool · 31/05/2015 11:14

Actually, this sounds like obsession rather than "unconditional love", it feels as if it was always unhealthy.

Original poster

Hessen · 31/05/2015 11:17

Thanks Annie. That helps :)

OP posts:

viridus · 31/05/2015 11:22

Hessen, I can hear how upset you are. I think - it's only my opinion, but you need to look at how you were brought up and the affect it has had on you.
Some people may not agree with me but I believe the time spent leaving home and living on ones own teaches us to be strong individuals and more emotionally aware, before committing to a relationship.
It appears to me that you missed out on this, and also the emotional support from your parents.
I am a mature person and it is only now that I realise fully how the lack of emotional support has affected my life, and I am looking to heal in this area.

Original poster

Hessen · 31/05/2015 11:28

Thanks viridus

Being raised in a loveless household has definitely affected me - and I resent my parents massively for it, and it has shaped me and who I have become. It has made me a very warm and loving father to my daughter, with the negative side of loving very deeply and quickly and being hurt easily.

I've spent a lot of time in counselling working through this, but the best I can do is cope with that being who I have become, unfortunately there's no quick fix to change who I am at my core.

OP posts:

Whiskwarrior · 31/05/2015 11:32

I would suggest folks read Hessen's other thread in Chat (about not wanting half term to end) to get a picture of how he really views his ex, what a super Dad he is and his feelings on other parents who struggle (clue: they're weird). It ain't pretty.

Hessen · 31/05/2015 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Whiskwarrior · 31/05/2015 11:40

Trolling? I've been here over two years, thanks. You joined this week and started a thread where you've basically called struggling parents weird for not finding half term easy.

You also called someone else a troll on the other thread and got deleted for it.

You're meant to report trolls, not troll-hunt.

HTH.

Hessen · 31/05/2015 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Whiskwarrior · 31/05/2015 11:44

Again, if you think I'm trolling, report me. Please.

Not sure you understand what trolling means...

Original poster

Hessen · 31/05/2015 11:47

To post inflammatory or inappropriate messages or comments on (the Internet, especially a message board) for the purpose of upsetting other users and provoking a response

Your posts have clearly been inflammatory for the purpose of provoking a response. :)

OP posts:

Whiskwarrior · 31/05/2015 11:48

From your OP in Chat:

"It's weird to see so many people struggling, my ex goes insane when she has her (daughter) for a whole week solid and doesn't find parenting natural".

Have you shown your ex this thread too, like you have the other one? Is she laughing at people on this one too?

Original poster

Hessen · 31/05/2015 11:49

That's not calling anyone weird :)

OP posts:

Whiskwarrior · 31/05/2015 11:50

Inflammatory how?

You have started whole THREADS that are inflammatory. And been deleted for calling someone a troll. Oh, and for calling someone else a moron.

Again, report me.

viridus · 31/05/2015 11:54

Hessian. I do feel strongly that people can change, even though they have had a horrid upbringing.
I would look for help in this area, maybe psychotherapy rather than counselling. Think of your daughter. Children can pick up on parents unhappiness, and this can affect them.

saturnvista · 31/05/2015 11:54

In your ex's position, I would be completely formal because I would see being friendly as unfair to you, given that you need closure and emotional distance.

I think you should talk this through with a counsellor. It's about your own expectations and there is little your ex can do to change that. I agree it would be nice if you and she were pleasantly amicable for the sake of old times. But the reality is that this is rare and you haven't got lucky.

Koalafications · 31/05/2015 11:55

StaceyAndTracey · 31/05/2015 12:05

OP, you see, very keen to attck people who give you advice that you don't like . Viz

" Stacey, your posts have a lot of incorrect assumptions and interpretations, and quite a dismissive tone. I'm assuming you've been hurt by a relationship too, bit of man hatred in there and drawing comparisons between me and him. I'm sorry for your pain. "

So, no incorrect assumptions , personal attacks , and patronising there then. Do show me where I made compositions between you and him? Whoever " him " is.

you are a bit aggressive and combative for a brand new poster. I wonder why ?

BettyCatKitten · 31/05/2015 12:10

Cancookdontcook · 31/05/2015 12:21

That other thread you have is on the surface about what a wonderful father you are but really it is about your anger towards your ex-wife and your inability to move on or let her go.

woolymum · 31/05/2015 14:10

oh hesssen. it must be so awfully hard to be wonderful and no one appreciates it. it is mean and nasty isn't it? so much nicer when people tell you how lovely you are all the time and agree with everything you say and do.
of course i assume that you also praise your ex on a daily basis for her wonderfulness because its nice to share the love isn't it?

woolymum · 31/05/2015 14:12

phew that you are not a goady patronising bugger who calls people a moron when they disagree with you.
i'd sack the counsellor and get a new one

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