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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

partner with depression: how long do i give it before i walk away?

41 replies

givemehopehelpmecope · 30/05/2015 09:04

Just that really. We've been together nearly 2 yrs & got together after i had divorced & he had just separated from his wife. It was brilliant in the beginning. But over the last 8 months he has become more & more depressed (he had depression before i met him, but had been treated & was in a good place). He is often thoughtless & seemingly uncaring, sometimes verbally aggressive. He says he will call then doesn't, when i do see him all he wants to do is watch tv or sleep. He is constantly miserable & it's so draining. We don't live together, got no dc together: at what point do i give up?? I don't want to because when he's not on a downer he is lovely. But I'm spending so much time fretting & worrying about him i need to take care of my own MH! I'm not heartless, but at what point do i throw in the towel?

OP posts:

AlternativeTentacles · 30/05/2015 09:05

He is often thoughtless & seemingly uncaring, sometimes verbally aggressive

For this - I'd say walk away now. Sounds less like depression and more like you will have a shit life with him anyway.

Seriouslyffs · 30/05/2015 09:07

You can walk away whenever you want to, love.
You don't owe him anything. You could explain that it's because of the depression and aggression and encourage him to engage in MH services, but you don't need to.

mrsdavidbowie · 30/05/2015 09:07

Ditch him now.
I had 20 years of this. Blaming his depression for his abusive behaviour. Walking on eggshells

bronya · 30/05/2015 09:08

Has he been to the GP?

DirectorOfBetter · 30/05/2015 09:09

Do it now.

Dansak · 30/05/2015 09:14

If he isn't willing to get help and take meds/therapy then I would walk, if he is trying to address it, I would and have stayed to support.

You can't help him if he won't be helped.

Original poster

givemehopehelpmecope · 30/05/2015 09:19

Thanks ladies. He is waiting to go to a counselling appt in June, but there are just so many issues i think it's going to take a long time to work through. Meanwhile I'm anxious & trying to please him all the time & i know that's not right! I KNOW i can be on my own, i just hate it :(. I'm weak, i know, but i am seriously taking on board all your advice. Thank you so much.

OP posts:

antimatter · 30/05/2015 09:47

Did he tell you he booked it? Have you seen appointment card?
My ex never wanted to engage in counseling, he used to pop in pills and still does, for over 20 years!

He used to arrange appointments and didn't turn up.

ALaughAMinute · 30/05/2015 09:52

"He is often thoughtless & seemingly uncaring, sometimes verbally aggressive"

He doesn't exactly sound like a barrel of laughs! You can do better than this. Ditch him!

AlternativeTentacles · 30/05/2015 09:53

there are just so many issues i think it's going to take a long time to work through

Yes. And meanwhile you are running around trying to please him.

Either stop running around and see where it takes the relationship or get out now.
Don't waste another 2/4/8/16 years running around after someone when you could be out there finding someone who doesn't value you for the running around that you do.

TheOldWiseOne · 30/05/2015 10:11

and then THEY leave you as they are so "unhappy" - you can give so much of yourself to someone but if they don't see it or want it then you are beating your head to a pulp...

Rjae · 30/05/2015 10:19

Now. I made the mistake of marrying someone like this and regretted it for years. They don't change and in fact get worse. Depression does not make someone aggressive and thoughtless. Aggression and thoughtless makes you that.

Offred · 30/05/2015 10:29

Now.

antimatter · 30/05/2015 10:31

this:
Depression does not make someone aggressive and thoughtless. Aggression and thoughtless makes you that.

don't excuse his bad behaviour by his depression

Thenapoleonofcrime · 30/05/2015 10:34

Sorry, but just because there's a possible 'cause' of this, I wouldn't want to live with someone who is verbally not very nice and aggressive. That's not depression anyway- or at least the people I've known with depression aren't nasty or aggressive in their tone, just more withdrawn.

I wouldn't sign up for this life if you have a choice. One of my parents was depressed on and off and didn't get any treatment and it just coloured the whole of my childhood- and even if you didn't have children (which you may well want to have) it was no life for the other parent either. Nothing has changed in 50 years sadly, and their current partner (after divorce) still has to put up with the moods and negativity and general life sappingness of it.

Now I do know people with depression who are proactive, have great coping mechanisms and if they feel themselves going into the dark tunnel, will get therapy and look after themselves to minimise the fall out. He doesn't sound one of these.

Honestly, you aren't his carer and I would move on while you still can.

Pagwatch · 30/05/2015 10:36

He is waiting for counselling. Is he seeing his GP. Is he taking any medication?

I think that you are very lightly committed to this man - not married, no children - so you are working very hard for a relationship which isn't especially committed.
You say his behaviour has deteriorated. Do you know why. He was 'treated' successfully before - has he revisited that, is he seeing anyone about getting worse.

I think you have to think about all these things and weigh them up. Your lack of commitment and your inability to be yourself around him is not a good sign that you should be persisting with this really.depression is hard enough to work through if you are in a long term highly committed and involved relationship.

Offred · 30/05/2015 10:39

Loads of people live with depression (including me) and understand that it isn't acceptable to turn the depression aggressively onto their partners.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/05/2015 10:44

Why do you hate being on your own?. What is so bad about it?. Address that innate fear of yours now and properly.

You've also become very invested in this relationship with this man at great emotional cost to yourself, this cost is too high.

It is far better to be on your own than being with someone like this man who is now doing nothing but dragging you down with him and making you feel bad.

BettyTheHippo · 30/05/2015 10:55

giveme this could be my thread, if you add extreme anxiety to the melting pot. I recognise the patterns and the dialogue, the nervousness I feel and the fact that I'm worried I'm changing the way I behave and bottling things up so I don't rock the boat.
He's also got counselling in June, and I'm going along to, to make sure he goes. I know it will be a very long road to recovery because he has a LOT of issues.
Every time he shows his uncaring side I'm torn between wanting to stick with him because it could be good, and feeling a little bit more of my feelings for our relationship die because I don't know how much longer I can go on
Watching replies to your post with interest, and definitely thinking of you

Original poster

givemehopehelpmecope · 30/05/2015 11:25

Ah thanks Betty - and good luck to you. You are all telling me things i KNOW are right. It is getting worse, i DO feel shit. And absolutely i do need to address my self esteem issues. He is not in ADs at the mo & no, i haven't seen his actual appt card... Though he has stated several times he does want to get better, knows he is not good to be around etc. God it's so hard! Thanks so much to everyone for taking time to reach out yo me.

OP posts:

wtffgs · 30/05/2015 11:30

I have depression and I don't behave like this. My X had depression and did. They are two separate things.

For the love of Pete, get out of there now! You are not weak. You live in a society where being a single woman is perceived as a failure - it's not. I manage my depressive illness much better now I don't have to live with a fuckwit

goddessofsmallthings · 30/05/2015 11:48

At what point do I throw in the towel? Six months ago and, if I were you, I wouldn't waste another 6 minutes before binning waving him off and looking forward to a future without him in it.

SleeplessButNotInSeattle · 30/05/2015 11:50

Think depression is different in men and women, it can present more as grumpiness in men. However the likelihood is that this will go on for a long time, and I would say leave now rather than be asking the same question in ten years when you've invested so much more in the relationship.

Original poster

givemehopehelpmecope · 31/05/2015 10:46

So he came over last night & seemed fairly upbeat. We ate together, watched tv : he fell asleep. We went to bed, i initiated sex - he wasn't in the mood. No affection, just turned over & went to sleep. And slept. Til late this morning. No affection again. I'm just being walked all over. I need to grow a pair & end this.

OP posts:

PeppermintCrayon · 31/05/2015 10:49

My dad behaved like this. Aggressive and thoughtless, apparently caused by depression. It's not an excuse for a lack of caring, concern, kindness or self-awareness. I have depression and PTSD and am capable of not treating my DH like crap.

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