partner with depression: how long do i give it before i walk away?

[givemehopehelpmecope]

Just that really. We've been together nearly 2 yrs & got together after i had divorced & he had just separated from his wife. It was brilliant in the beginning. But over the last 8 months he has become more & more depressed (he had depression before i met him, but had been treated & was in a good place). He is often thoughtless & seemingly uncaring, sometimes verbally aggressive. He says he will call then doesn't, when i do see him all he wants to do is watch tv or sleep. He is constantly miserable & it's so draining. We don't live together, got no dc together: at what point do i give up?? I don't want to because when he's not on a downer he is lovely. But I'm spending so much time fretting & worrying about him i need to take care of my own MH! I'm not heartless, but at what point do i throw in the towel?

[givemehopehelpmecope]

Hi
just wanted to say i was strong today & have ended it with P. Thanks so much to everyone, especially Placeinthesun, for their support. I feel awful, especially seeing him looking so sad when i told him & left (fairly swiftly). As much as i care for him i know i can't do anymore than i did. And i deserve to be loved more than i was. Thanks again. X

[Aussiemum78]

You are doing the right thing. He sounds miserable.

He was ok enough to fake your first year but the mask has slipped. I'll bet his ex had the same experience.

He was not and never was right for you, he just played the part for awhile.

[AlternativeTentacles]

I also feel like it will be years now until I meet someone else, and how will I know they won't be the same?

Nobody can tell the future. It might be tomorrow it might not be for years. Who knows?

Thing is, if you are in a bad relationship you are not letting yourself find someone who IS a good match.

A word of warning though - only go into a relationship where there isn't any hint of having to 'help' the other person. That's not your job. It should be pretty much equal from day 1.

And congratulations for getting him to leave. Now you can start really living.

[Sizzlesthedog]

You know you are right to walk away from this.

It's hard living with someone with depression who doesn't want to take any meds or get treated. Putting it off forever saying I'll go to the gp, but not right now.

I'm married to a depressive and it's not a barrel of laughs. Please get out when you can.

[ClearEyesFullHearts]

What was the row about?

[givemehopehelpmecope]

Just a quick update: big row last night cards on the table & he left. I will be telling him it's over today. I'm exhausted & can't cope with the anxiety (mine, not his!) this is causing. I feel so disappointed as I thought we were perfect for each other when we got together. I also feel like it will be years now until I meet someone else, and how will I know they won't be the same? I have tried so hard to help him, but nothing has worked. Thanks for all your advice which I did take in & really appreciate.

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

Placeinthesun you won't be cast as the villain of the piece by me. That man was using his depression to emotionally abuse you, keep you away from friends and family and isolate you in his depressive world. I don't have any female friends with depression who act like that, and I don't believe it is all about the depression, he sounds like he would have been awful and controlling without it, it's just you were nice enough to want to help him which may have led you to excuse things which weren't excusable. So glad you got out and I think that's how most people would view it.

[Lavenderice]

Leave now. Don't wait. It'll only get worse.

[RubyMay82]

Depression is awful I have a close family member seriously affected by it & it's the most frustrating thing in the world when they won't do a thing to help theirselves.
I totally agree with what previous posters say & being ill is no excuse for bad behaviour.

[RubyMay82]

Depression is awful I have a close family member seriously affected by it & it's the most frustrating thing in the world when they won't do a thing to help theirselves.
I totally agree with what previous posters say & being ill is no excuse for bad behaviour.

[championnibbler]

ditch him.
i would not hesitate to dump his ass.

[Placeinthesun]

Oh OP it is hard. I know that I will be cast as the villain of the piece, my crime was ignoring so much and tolerating so much as I wanted it to work and did care so much and so wanted him to overcome his struggles. I cruelly let it drag on when my heart had gone out of it, not out of malice but I really hoped we'd turn a corner and I would want to feel close to him again, I didn't want to be another one who walked away because of his depression and anxiety.

I was honest with him, telling him I did find his depression hard and felt out of my depth and needed guidance. I said I would listen and just be there as I got that relentless solution offering abs positivity was way off the mark. I did things to let him know he s in my thoughts when we weren't spending time together.

He would not allow comparisons to how others might react in certain situatons on the basus that "that's other people not us" but I was having to lean on friends to sanity check myself.

The last time he wanted to be close to me I just couldn't bring myself to put my arms around him, he sensed my distance, brought up about my making plans that didn't include him and I said "I just do have a busy life and I think it's healthy to have a life and interests outside of our relationship", I was sworn at and told to live that life... I asked him to leave there and then. I could not face another tetchy weekend morning with him holed up in the semi darkness of my room brooding and jealous as I tried to split myself between him and my dc's.

He can't/won't see that I was weary because of incidents over the course of our relationship (being sworn at, him stropping off, rows where he screamed at me, mutual friends he doesn't like me speaking to because he has a beef with them) - he wanted me to put it all behind me and commit fully to trying again. I knew I had to look forward not back, I felt I had one foot out of the door and going back suddenly felt suffocating and scary.

[givemehopehelpmecope]

Oh Placeinthesun - your experiences are almost an exact mirror of what I'm experiencing. It's a relief to know that someone else has been through this & knows how incredibly difficult it is. It's the heartbreak of knowing that there IS a loving, lovely person in there isn't it? Like you i always hope that my positivity will rub off then get frustrated when it doesn't. Thanks so much for sharing, i truly appreciate it & best wishes for the future.

[Placeinthesun]

I have very recently ended a relationship with someone who suffers from anxiety and depression. ExDP was honest and upfront about having a history of depression within a month or so of us meeting. I was so naive, I thought being upbeat, positive and offering support and just being there for him would keep the black dogs at bay. I didn't understand how his depression shapes and affects every facet of his life, his attitude and reaction to everything. How, what to me are normal everyday knocks and bumps of life become magnified out of all proportion into hideous seemingly unfixable problems and proof that the world is acting collectively against him.

The fun, loving person I met vanished beneath clouds of unhappiness and uncertainty and self doubt and self loathing. I spent months feeling anxious about every meeting not knowing what mood would greet me, terrified that the smallest thing would cause upset and found myself sticking to 'safe' topics of conversation. Tiny things could lead to huge rows (with me and others, in the case of the latter friendships often ruined and grudges borne) with horrid things said by ExDP. He was hugely threatened by and jealous of my life (friends, hobbies, dcs) outside of the relationship to the point where he would be upset if I told him I'd caught up with a friend or made weekend plans with my dc's that did not include him tagging along.

He wanted me to be always available to support him. Evenings at his would often be spent in tense silence, he just wanted to watch TV in bed from early eve and me to be there beside him - I found him shutting the world out so hard. Communication from him would be minimal if he was in a low mood leaving me not knowing if he was down or if I had caused upset. He'd make social plans with me then announce on the day that he was too tired, didn't want to see those people as they all disliked him really etc. If I said I would stick to the plan and go out for a bit without him to not let friends /others down but return early to see him I was being disloyal.

He told me he loved me so much, I was the best thing that ever happened to him and that he just wanted me all to himself.

Everyone thought we were really well suited and he would wear his happy mask when out. I wanted to explain to people what it was really like.. "it's awful, I'm unhappy, I'm always wrong footed and I don't understand why". I tried so hard to see things from his point of view, to just be there, I read everything I could about depression and anxiety and dating someone suffering but still so often felt baffled, hurt, confused and uncertain. I started to continually doubt myself as his reactions and attitudes to life were so different from how anyone else I ve ever met sees things. I felt like I was going mad. There is a kind loving person in there and I have felt awful walking away when he's latterly said my "distance" /wariness was causing him to sink to the depths but i just realised I couldn't go on and I don't have the strength to carry him.

A mutual friend sent me a list of relationship red flags last week, exDP ticked so many but I couldn't see them, each week it was surely going to get better. On one level I miss him dreadfully but on the other I feel a huge sense of relief to be out of the drama. Apols if this sounds really harsh and like I am super unsympathetic to mh issues - it's not meant to be, I'm just not strong enough. My heart goes out to anyone suffering from depression and anyone supporting a loved one through it.

Good luck op.

[givemehopehelpmecope]

Lol Alaugh - thanks for your bluntness - i need to hear that at the moment. And thanks for making me smile :)

[ALaughAMinute]

"So he came over last night & seemed fairly upbeat. We ate together, watched tv : he fell asleep. We went to bed, i initiated sex - he wasn't in the mood. No affection, just turned over & went to sleep. And slept. Til late this morning. No affection again. I'm just being walked all over. I need to grow a pair & end this."

You can't do better than this surely? He sounds selfish. Ditch the bastard!

[PeppermintCrayon]

My dad behaved like this. Aggressive and thoughtless, apparently caused by depression. It's not an excuse for a lack of caring, concern, kindness or self-awareness. I have depression and PTSD and am capable of not treating my DH like crap.

[givemehopehelpmecope]

So he came over last night & seemed fairly upbeat. We ate together, watched tv : he fell asleep. We went to bed, i initiated sex - he wasn't in the mood. No affection, just turned over & went to sleep. And slept. Til late this morning. No affection again. I'm just being walked all over. I need to grow a pair & end this.

[SleeplessButNotInSeattle]

Think depression is different in men and women, it can present more as grumpiness in men. However the likelihood is that this will go on for a long time, and I would say leave now rather than be asking the same question in ten years when you've invested so much more in the relationship.

[goddessofsmallthings]

At what point do I throw in the towel? Six months ago and, if I were you, I wouldn't waste another 6 minutes before binning waving him off and looking forward to a future without him in it.

[wtffgs]

I have depression and I don't behave like this. My X had depression and did. They are two separate things.

For the love of Pete, get out of there now! You are not weak. You live in a society where being a single woman is perceived as a failure - it's not. I manage my depressive illness much better now I don't have to live with a fuckwit

[givemehopehelpmecope]

Ah thanks Betty - and good luck to you. You are all telling me things i KNOW are right. It is getting worse, i DO feel shit. And absolutely i do need to address my self esteem issues. He is not in ADs at the mo & no, i haven't seen his actual appt card... Though he has stated several times he does want to get better, knows he is not good to be around etc. God it's so hard! Thanks so much to everyone for taking time to reach out yo me.

[BettyTheHippo]

giveme this could be my thread, if you add extreme anxiety to the melting pot. I recognise the patterns and the dialogue, the nervousness I feel and the fact that I'm worried I'm changing the way I behave and bottling things up so I don't rock the boat.
He's also got counselling in June, and I'm going along to, to make sure he goes. I know it will be a very long road to recovery because he has a LOT of issues.
Every time he shows his uncaring side I'm torn between wanting to stick with him because it could be good, and feeling a little bit more of my feelings for our relationship die because I don't know how much longer I can go on
Watching replies to your post with interest, and definitely thinking of you

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Why do you hate being on your own?. What is so bad about it?. Address that innate fear of yours now and properly.

You've also become very invested in this relationship with this man at great emotional cost to yourself, this cost is too high.

It is far better to be on your own than being with someone like this man who is now doing nothing but dragging you down with him and making you feel bad.

[Offred]

Loads of people live with depression (including me) and understand that it isn't acceptable to turn the depression aggressively onto their partners.