Do I contact his mother? (DS half sibling)

[JennySayWhat]

Name changed, not for me, for the other people in this. I'm all over here, practically moved into Stately Homes having ‘graduated’ from the Emotional Abuse threads. If you recognise me, no problemo, but don't out me please.

My Ex had a child with another woman in the late 90’s. He has not seen his DS1 since the lad was a toddler. His ExGF apparently refused to allow him access. He says that she made the ultimatum that it’s me and my son as a package or nothing. I am about this, because Ex is abusive, a low grade narc probably, certainly a liar and won’t make any effort unless there is something he wants out of it.

According to him he does call her every so often and the supposedly recent situation is still that she still won’t allow direct contact unless her DS asks for it. Knowing what I know about Ex, I understand where she might be coming from.

I was with Ex for 10 years, (spilt up about 4 years ago), we have a DS (10) together. Ex left the country 4 years ago and has not been back. He is in some contact with us, when he has time/inclination, especially now communication is free as we both have smart phones. He sends money when I remind him to, and I have to, every sodding month. He remains firm in his believe that he had every reason to make my life a living hell, and that as I had the cheek to protest every so often the kicks and punches were justified too.

Anyway…

My DS knows about his brother, but I am fairly sure that this woman and her son won’t know about us.

My DS would like to know his brother, he has no other family and I'm fairly sure this other woman would not have had any children after her DS, so they are both onlys.

I have her number. Do I text her? Or Do I call her? I am fairly sure that the number I have is ONLY kept for Ex to have any contact, there is no whatsapp, no FB, no nothing linked to that number.

Or do I leave it alone?

I did say that I would let Ex know if I was going to contact her, which I will do, but I wondered what the MN consensus is and what should i be preparing for etc etc..

[JennySayWhat]

hooby thank you, really :) I'm blunt at times, honest etc and I value that from you, thanks very much.

I don't think she would naturally assume he'd have more kids tbh, for reasons I can't really elaborate on. Culturally there is a difference if there is more than one sibling, but it's possible that this wouldn't interest her, or her son for that matter. Even If she had have wanted to know, there is nothing she could have done about it actually, but you'd have to know more about the ins and outs than I've said.

I'm asking here about if I call/text her, as she is the on,y contact I have, but the subject or issue is more about the sons, the brothers knowing about the other. I thought it was important my son knew he had a brother, that he wasn't his dad's only child, in the same vein that I'd think he'd have a right to know if he were adopted.

Argh, doubting self now.

[Bogeyface]

Can I make a suggestion that has just occurred to me?

If you call make it clear that you dont expect her to trust that you are not his sock puppet and that if she would like to check you out first to make sure you are on the level then you understand and are happy with that. If you have a social network presence then offer to share that with her.

I have to say that if it was me I wouldnt trust you as far as I could throw you because I wouldnt know if you were telling the truth. You need to be prepared for that. I am not saying you should not be trusted but that if it were me, I wouldnt automatically assume that you can be iykwim.

[GirlDownUnder]

Just as the other side of the coin to hooby I was my fathers first born too, we left him and my home country when I was young, and he remained a feckless father to us, his first family. He went on to marry the OW, and had more children, but was a better father to them.

My half sister first contacted me when she was 8 (I was 18), as he'd left them too and she thought I would help her understand. We had very sporadic contact until we first met at her instigation when she came to see me (her 18, me 28) and we've all 5 kids had an amazing relationship since. I love all my siblings equally and we don't refer to half, etc., and I'm grateful that something so wonderful came out of such a sad situation.

There's no right or wrong, but I think it's better to regret trying, than not.

[Atenco]

Get in touch and see OP. There are so many possible different reactions but you won't know until you try. But I agree that you should not tell your ex about it as I don't think the first mother would appreciate his involvement

[JennySayWhat]

Thanks, That's a good idea Bogeyface, I hadn't considered her not trusting me, as the mere fact I have the number would verify me to an extent, but you're right, she could easily think he was behind it.

GirlDownUnder thanks so much, I'm sure that her son would be a credit to her, as mine is to me, I can't think he'd be cold, or uncaring, and as there's an age difference, it's unlikely that he'll feel threatened IYKWIM. I'm super impressed at the courage of your 8 yo sister though, contacting you like that. Mind you, they don't see everything in the same way as we do; no overthinking, more impulsive.

Thinking about the ex and telling him, you're right Atenco, ex is responsible for his own contact, and it would be wrong to involve him in this. I have to think about this from my DS perspective, as this is for his benefit. If I didn't have DS, there's no reason on earth for me to contact this woman.

I'm off out for most of the day now, so won't necessarily be back until later tonight, but wanted to thank everyone for their advice, help and input, it's fantastic to discuss this with people. I truly appreciate everyone's opinion.

[tribpot]

Can you afford to lose the money from him if he decides that you have 'gone against his wishes' or something and contacted this woman? Who knows what he might decide.

There's no real reason to suppose anything he's told you about this woman is true, is there? If her son is now an adult she won't even need to have contact with him to ask for money, as he makes you do every month

[JennySayWhat]

She's not had/asked for any money, he's offered it too. No response whatsoever. I know this because I composed text for him and managed his emails. The money wouldn't stop, he himself gave me her number, but didn't ask me to speak to him before hand, I offered. I think it's right to raise this, but in these circumstances, I don't think that's an issue.