Do I contact his mother? (DS half sibling)

[JennySayWhat]

Name changed, not for me, for the other people in this. I'm all over here, practically moved into Stately Homes having ‘graduated’ from the Emotional Abuse threads. If you recognise me, no problemo, but don't out me please.

My Ex had a child with another woman in the late 90’s. He has not seen his DS1 since the lad was a toddler. His ExGF apparently refused to allow him access. He says that she made the ultimatum that it’s me and my son as a package or nothing. I am about this, because Ex is abusive, a low grade narc probably, certainly a liar and won’t make any effort unless there is something he wants out of it.

According to him he does call her every so often and the supposedly recent situation is still that she still won’t allow direct contact unless her DS asks for it. Knowing what I know about Ex, I understand where she might be coming from.

I was with Ex for 10 years, (spilt up about 4 years ago), we have a DS (10) together. Ex left the country 4 years ago and has not been back. He is in some contact with us, when he has time/inclination, especially now communication is free as we both have smart phones. He sends money when I remind him to, and I have to, every sodding month. He remains firm in his believe that he had every reason to make my life a living hell, and that as I had the cheek to protest every so often the kicks and punches were justified too.

Anyway…

My DS knows about his brother, but I am fairly sure that this woman and her son won’t know about us.

My DS would like to know his brother, he has no other family and I'm fairly sure this other woman would not have had any children after her DS, so they are both onlys.

I have her number. Do I text her? Or Do I call her? I am fairly sure that the number I have is ONLY kept for Ex to have any contact, there is no whatsapp, no FB, no nothing linked to that number.

Or do I leave it alone?

I did say that I would let Ex know if I was going to contact her, which I will do, but I wondered what the MN consensus is and what should i be preparing for etc etc..

[JennySayWhat]

She's not had/asked for any money, he's offered it too. No response whatsoever. I know this because I composed text for him and managed his emails. The money wouldn't stop, he himself gave me her number, but didn't ask me to speak to him before hand, I offered. I think it's right to raise this, but in these circumstances, I don't think that's an issue.

[tribpot]

Can you afford to lose the money from him if he decides that you have 'gone against his wishes' or something and contacted this woman? Who knows what he might decide.

There's no real reason to suppose anything he's told you about this woman is true, is there? If her son is now an adult she won't even need to have contact with him to ask for money, as he makes you do every month

[JennySayWhat]

Thanks, That's a good idea Bogeyface, I hadn't considered her not trusting me, as the mere fact I have the number would verify me to an extent, but you're right, she could easily think he was behind it.

GirlDownUnder thanks so much, I'm sure that her son would be a credit to her, as mine is to me, I can't think he'd be cold, or uncaring, and as there's an age difference, it's unlikely that he'll feel threatened IYKWIM. I'm super impressed at the courage of your 8 yo sister though, contacting you like that. Mind you, they don't see everything in the same way as we do; no overthinking, more impulsive.

Thinking about the ex and telling him, you're right Atenco, ex is responsible for his own contact, and it would be wrong to involve him in this. I have to think about this from my DS perspective, as this is for his benefit. If I didn't have DS, there's no reason on earth for me to contact this woman.

I'm off out for most of the day now, so won't necessarily be back until later tonight, but wanted to thank everyone for their advice, help and input, it's fantastic to discuss this with people. I truly appreciate everyone's opinion.

[Atenco]

Get in touch and see OP. There are so many possible different reactions but you won't know until you try. But I agree that you should not tell your ex about it as I don't think the first mother would appreciate his involvement

[GirlDownUnder]

Just as the other side of the coin to hooby I was my fathers first born too, we left him and my home country when I was young, and he remained a feckless father to us, his first family. He went on to marry the OW, and had more children, but was a better father to them.

My half sister first contacted me when she was 8 (I was 18), as he'd left them too and she thought I would help her understand. We had very sporadic contact until we first met at her instigation when she came to see me (her 18, me 28) and we've all 5 kids had an amazing relationship since. I love all my siblings equally and we don't refer to half, etc., and I'm grateful that something so wonderful came out of such a sad situation.

There's no right or wrong, but I think it's better to regret trying, than not.

[Bogeyface]

Can I make a suggestion that has just occurred to me?

If you call make it clear that you dont expect her to trust that you are not his sock puppet and that if she would like to check you out first to make sure you are on the level then you understand and are happy with that. If you have a social network presence then offer to share that with her.

I have to say that if it was me I wouldnt trust you as far as I could throw you because I wouldnt know if you were telling the truth. You need to be prepared for that. I am not saying you should not be trusted but that if it were me, I wouldnt automatically assume that you can be iykwim.

[JennySayWhat]

hooby thank you, really :) I'm blunt at times, honest etc and I value that from you, thanks very much.

I don't think she would naturally assume he'd have more kids tbh, for reasons I can't really elaborate on. Culturally there is a difference if there is more than one sibling, but it's possible that this wouldn't interest her, or her son for that matter. Even If she had have wanted to know, there is nothing she could have done about it actually, but you'd have to know more about the ins and outs than I've said.

I'm asking here about if I call/text her, as she is the on,y contact I have, but the subject or issue is more about the sons, the brothers knowing about the other. I thought it was important my son knew he had a brother, that he wasn't his dad's only child, in the same vein that I'd think he'd have a right to know if he were adopted.

Argh, doubting self now.

[hoobypickypicky]

Honestly? This is going to sound harsh but yes, it does sound a little self-interested. It's understandable that you feel the way you do but, well, you did ask!

She has a right to know what? That her ex went on to have another child? Looking at it from her pov, why would she want or need to know? It doesn't affect her, and if she knows anything about him (and depending I suppose on his age as much as anything) she's probably already guessed he would have gone on to have more DC. If she wanted to know she'd have done something about it by now.

I'm the firstborn to my father and am very much an adult. He went on to have other children, adults themselves for many years now. I don't consider them my siblings. I'm not interested in them tbh. I've got my own life and family, I've good friends who go back to my teen years who are far more brothers and sisters than anyone I wasn't raised with and didn't know could ever be. I bear them no ill will, I'm the least jealous person on the planet.

Do what you must, it's not my place to tell you what you should or shouldn't, but be prepared for the possibility of the DC being like me and simply not wanting to know.

[GammonAndEgg]

Just send the text! Don't overthink it.

[JennySayWhat]

Bump

[JennySayWhat]

I lived with him for 10 years, the story hasn't changed, he does acknowledge he was bad to her - dumping her basically, rejected her badly. Without warning. Then I think as he's asked to see his DS over the years she said no, saying absolutely not until he was over a certain age and then he can decide. The last time I spoke to ex about this, the age has been reached but she's still not facilitating anything. I guess it's a big step for them to consider, and tbh, why would they bother? For him? Why on earth would they, I don't blame them. To them it's like a potential can of worms. Pandora's box, perhaps, for sure.

I have no way of finding out any more than I know already really, the only new info would be from her.

I wonder if she'd be prepared to talk to me first without involving the boys, I'd completely understand if she didn't want to tell her son to begin with.

As you say, she may ignore me, but even if she did, I still think she has a right to know. Or is that me being self focussed?..

[JoanHickson]

Stanch

[JoanHickson]

I have been given abuse too by idiots who think the ex can't get contact because of me. I used to cry with frustration. The last one to do it to me waa a stanchions Catholic, so he will get a shock at the pearly gates.

[TheMotherOfAllDilemmas]

Me ex, good heavens, mY ex...

[TheMotherOfAllDilemmas]

Jenny, that is what me ex says, that I am not allowing contact, that I don't respond, that I have separated him from his son. From time to time I had people giving me a piece of their mind about my "horrible" behaviour, but the door has always been open, he just doesn't care. It us certainly easier to blame the lack on contact on the other parent than to explain to the world that he is a rubbish dad.

Frankly, if he were contacting DS once in a blue moon, that would be even more damaging, getting him all excited about seeing him just for dad to disappear again?

I'm starting to think that it may be a good idea to try to find what really happened before trying to contact her. At this time you only have his side of the story, but whay if something worse happened and the kinder thing to do would be to leave that family alone?

[justcallmethefixer]

Is the half sibling not adult now? Is any decision to want to know their half sibling their decision?

[JoanHickson]

Yes we were the first family.

[JennySayWhat]

The man hasn't seen his son for about 15 years! He says she won't let him, but he's never bothered to pursue it. He rings, she tells him there's no contact, he goes away. He has sent messages asking if he can pay child support, she never responds. I know, I've seen the texts sent. He treated her abysmally by his own admission.

I don't know when he last called her, as I said, he's abroad and we've been split for 4 years, it's not a subject that comes up between us.

But yes, invho he's failed his son, the both of them tbh.

Joan, were your children the first children? Was their half sibling younger?

[TheMotherOfAllDilemmas]

He rings periodically? Last time a few months ago? That makes him sound like a very... unconcerned parent.

But as I said, they may be interested or they may not, but I think you need to do it for your own child, it is the right thing to do, after that, the ball is on their side. :-)

[JoanHickson]

My children remember their Dad and are "older" they are not interested in him.

They were angry at me for not hating their half sibling. Now they understand the child was innocent. They still say they have no interest in the half sibling. They may change their mind. They do have jealousy towards the half sibling and it's probably best they work through that.

[JennySayWhat]

But then DS hasn't seen him since he was 5 either...

[JennySayWhat]

According to the Ex, he does phone periodically, last time being a few months ago, but she always said no, until he was old enough to make up his own mind.

Part of me thinks that it'd be part of anyone's human nature to be curious, and one day he'll want to know his dad. Knowing a brother might be one step easier.

I am conscious that he might feel bad at not having known his dad like my DS does.

[TheMotherOfAllDilemmas]

Agree with Bogeyface but I think you also need to be prepared for her to ignore or dismiss your approach. DS's dad has not contacted him for years, I really don't know how DS would react if he knew he had a half sibling his dad keeps in touch with . So it may be better not to get your DS' hopes raised just in case you cannot find them or they want to leave the things in the past.

[JennySayWhat]

id hope at least she and I could talk. So that at least she knows. Swapping photos would be nice too, I know DS is very keep to see if he looks like his brother, but I'd understand she may not want that. Not initially.

Good grief, this has been in my head, and now it's coming out, I will have to contact her, and just hope she responds positively.

Just need to mull and think about the words I want to use

[JennySayWhat]

Thanks Bogeyface :)