Spiralling out of control

[endofteather]

WARNING: extended self-pitying moan alert!
I wonder if anyone else has the same feeling that their life is spiralling out of control?
Let me explain.... (change of name for this, by the way due to feelings of shame/embarrassment).
I used to think of myself as organised, and in control, on top of everything with lots of good things in my life. I still have some of the good things (children, obviously, and husband), but these days everything just seems to be getting on top of me.
Home: Basically, I'm "in charge" of everything to do with the running of the household - money/bills, maintenance/DIY, paperwork etc... This is mainly because I've taken it upon myself, but lately I just don't seem to have the time/inclination to deal with all the "stuff". I don't have the time/can't be bothered to make the phone calls/file the papers. We do at least have a cleaner; I hate to think what the house would look like if we didn't. When I get home from work, and have collected the children from various points around the town, all I want to do is come onto mumsnet, make tea (but find that a big effort - I hate deciding what to give them, and then feel guilty that I'm not feeding them nutritious enough food), put them to bed and then watch TV/veg out. Instead, I have all the other stuff to do - for which I used to have plenty of time/energy, but now just can't face. I'm a great one for lists, and used to take great pleasure in ticking off the items. Now the list just gets longer, and things that need doing now get put off until it's too late. Meanwhile, I spend my time on mumsnet and playing minesweeper.
Moneyur money situation is getting slowly worse, despite supposedly having more income now than ever. I find it so depressing to think about it, and as I've always been in charge of organising the finances, I feel like it's all my fault - if we book a holiday, dh thinks I know we have enough money for it, and I just think "well, I want a holiday, we earn more now than ever, so lets have one". It's got so that I'm scared to do my reconciliation (you see, I used to be really organised and use Microsoft Money), as the news is not going to be good.
Work: The job I'm in pays well, and is fairly flexible, but I don't really enjoy it. But I feel trapped, especially with regards to our money situation (see above). I can choose the hours I work (on an annual hours contract), but I never seem to be on top of it - I take 1/2 hour here and there, and then I'm playing catch-up the whole time. Plus the fact that there is an unspoken agreement that my work is "less important" (ie pays less) than dh's, so my work fits round his, which again takes its toll on my hours and the quality of my work. The company I work for never tell you if your work is good (or even just OK), they work on the "if nothing's said, then presume everythings OK" premise, which I find really demotivating.
DH: A truly lovely man, but completely engrossed in his work, it occupies about 75% of his time and energy, sport/TV etc occupy about 15% and we get the remaining 10% (maybe I'm being unfair, but that's how it feels). He'll do anything I ask him for the home/children, but he has to be asked. He does not seem to put any effort into home, he uses it all up on work, and that leaves me with the mental burden of everything at home. He does not know such things as how the central heating timer works, who our various insurance policies are with, how much he brings home net every month (honestly..). As I say, he will do anything (washing, cooking, ironing, paperwork) I ask, but it has to be explained first, and he has to be asked and then reminded. As far as our relationship goes, we get on very well, I love him, and he loves me, but I just can't find any enthusiasm for the physical side of the relationship. For him, the "urge" is as strong as ever, and he's very flattering about me (despite the 2 stone too much I carry around), and I like the thought in theory, but in practice, it all just seems like too much effort.
Me: As I said, I'm about 2 stone overweight, but can find no energy to do anything about it, I feel like food and wine are some of the only things that give me pleasure, and the thought of having to organise the "right" things to eat, and some exercise (let alone finding the time) just fills me with apathy.
So, to (finally) sum up; I'm fed up of being "in charge" of everything, and the burden of guilt / work never finished that I feel I'm constantly carrying around. I want things to change, but I feel really stuck in most areas of my life. The worse thing is that I know it's all down to me to make the changes, but I just don't know where/when I will ever find the energy/time.

Hi, oh dear, looks like I'm first here. My DH is exactly the same, when I went in for C section for children I had to leave notes on everything to show how it all worked!

Get yourself a digital kitchen timer, set it for 30 minutes, tell yourself you will do paperwork/tidying whatever then you will have 30 minutes on whatever you enjoy. Knowing you have the timer makes a big difference to me and often makes me work faster so I get more finished. I know it sounds mad, it's a tip from a US website which I've found really useful. I used it today, I desperately wanted to go into the greenhouse but knew I had washing to put away so set the timer for 30 minutes and then I was off!

You are not alone. R

End of tether, you have my sympathy. To me, it doesn't sound surprising that you're fed up:

• You are in charge of everything, enough to make anyone fed up.
• You are not happy with yourself (I'm about 2 stone overweight too, so I know a bit how you feel)
• you work but are not being well motivated by your employers - enough to make anyone feel "what's the point?"
• Money: IME it's easy to live up to whatever you earn and it'll therefore never be enough
• Your DH devotes 75% of his time to work and therefore you are not feeling supported by him.
• You don't get enough time for yourself.
• You are thinking about all of this at once!

No great solutions I'm afraid other than to suggest you talk to your DH about it. It sounds like he might help if you told him how you're feeling? I know he has to be asked, but if you did ask him to help with finances etc, would he?

As for the physical side of your relationship, if everything else is wrong, it's not surprising that it manifests itself in this way, especially if you feel bad about your weight - been there

What about tackling these problems one at a time? Might that be easier?

Don't know if this helps, but good luck sorting it out. Moaning here makes me feel better, I do know that.

Gosh, I can relate somewhat to what you say, EofT, as my life has felt that way too, at times. And I dont' even work outside the home although I put in a lot of time on charity work and don't have a cleaner. My DH is currently living on the other side of the world and I'm having to do the donkey work for moving us out to be with him, next month, and it does become overwhelming.

Rhiannon's idea is excellent and you could also look at the FLY Lady website which has helpful hints. It's a bit 'nannyish' but some of her ideas are good, such as not tackling all of a problem at once; do 15 minutes and then go and do something else. It does work, although I've fallen by the wayside atm. She has specific hints for dealing wqith paperwork.

As for DH, you'll either need to keep asking, or sit him down and tell him that constant asking makes you feel bad and hope that changes him, or as a last resort, put a chart on the wall, telling him what to do today!

Something else struck me, which might be a chicken-and-egg situation, but I wondered if you are a wee bit depressed? Feeling down can make the ordinary everyday seem insurmountable, although the converse is that a huge mountain of work can make you feel low, too.

I really hope you can work out something soon, good luck.

End of Tether, I could have written your honest, upsetting post almost word for word. You aren't alone and I send you virtual hugs. Isn't it amazing how a basically happy, fortunate lifestyle can seem like a grey wasteland some evenings - especially Monday nights.
I have been seriously thinking about getting a lifestyle coach in for a few sessions to sort me out and get me out of my current bout of whatsthepointitis. One gets lots of good advice and encouragement from various friends and family(not all solicited) but I think I might benefit from the beady-eyed, objective view of a professional nagger. Do you think this approach might possibly help you too?
In the meantime, I am going to try Rhiannon's timer suggestion. Alas, it will mean our family evenings are punctuated by timers going off as this is how we manoeuvre our bossy toddler from tea table to bath to bed!
Please don't forget to tell yourself that you are doing a great job with your family, because you clearly are, and as others have said, try and have a heart to heart with dh. Mine lives on inner planet Hubby much of the time too...but can really rise to the occasion when I start foaming at the mouth.
You take care now.

endoteather - I think we have all been there - I can identify with your very succintly put problems.
Your seem to have a good overall relationship with your husband - he just seems not to have registered your needs and problems, engrossed in his own.
I would print off your posting to mumsnet and let him read it. That will then give you an avenue to discussion and reaching a joint plan. Two heads are always better than one. It will get better.

I really know this feeling too, End of Tether. Our house is the epitome of disorganisation and sometimes I just want to walk away and leave it all behind. I'd love to take the kids and my partner and go and live in a big empty house with a garden in Cornwall where we could concentrate on the important things like our relationship and the healthy lifestyle would mean that i lost a couple of stone without even trying. If I knew a way of making money from home I'd do it tomorrow. (So basically I deal with this kind of stress by escape fantasies...)

I hope it gets better for you. Try and go easy on yourself

Suedonim- do you think you have to be quite organised to start with to do the Fly Lady thing? My partner and I have just GOT to sort out the housework a bit soon but neither of us are much cop at either tidyness or cleanliness and it just feels so overwhelming that we don't know where to start and sit about resenting each other for not doing it!

EofT,

Poor you - it sounds like it's really all getting on top of you. I know how you feel - I could have written a lot of your post myself, although at least my dh takes his share of running the household finances.

I think you've got to sit down with your dh and talk about this. Explain how you feel, and tell him that although you've run the house etc in the past it's now just all getting too much and you and he need to split the tasks more equally between you. Decide between you what his tasks will be, and then leave him to it,however hard it may be not to remind him - he is after all (I presume) a functioning adult and should be able to take responsibility.

I find the thinking what to cook really gets me down too. Dh and I talked this over, and now we decide on Saturday what the weeks meals will be, then he does the weekly shop on Saturday morning. What sort of food do your kids get during the day? Mine go to nursery, and I finally realised that at the end of the day I was wasting my time (and lots of food) cooking them elaborate meals when they got home. Now they often have toast, fruit and yoghurt, which takes minimum time to prepare and which I can convince myself is fairly healthy.

The work issue is a difficult one. My dh earns more than me (and more than I ever can in my line of work) and, until recently, I was freelance and therefore more flexible for dealing with sick children etc. This means that dh had got used to me always doing the kids stuff, and now that I am an employee again he's had to do some adjusting. He is under a lot of pressure at work, and the hours he works are a major bone of contention between us. I get really fed up and tired of trying to deal with the kids alone so much, and also feel that in the end he will regret it if he misses too much of their childhoods. Things have been a bit better lately - we've talked it over, and got a few things straight. He realises that my work is important to me, and also that I am in a position of some responsibility now at work (I work for a very small company, so my contribution is proportionally quite important). He also realises that if his job should go (he works for a high-tech company, so the pay is good but the market unstable) then me working would be a very good thing. He now sorts the kids out in the morning and takes them to nursery so that I can go into work early, then I leave a bit early to pick them up. It's not ideal, because he gets them when fresh while I do the tired end of the day, but at least it's something. It's hard when the kids are ill, but now we try to plan ahead and agree who takes time off if one gets ill during the next couple of weeks. We try and avoid double booking important meetings, and work out who can make up lost time easiest at the weekend. It's really tough sometimes, but there's no easier answer (me giving up work is not an option).

The only other thing I'd like to say is read your post again, and look at how many things you're trying to hold together. I think you're doing a brilliant job even trying to handle all this!

I can sympathise too - it is just SUCH a mental weight "being in charge". I sometimes fantasise about simple things such as being able to get up on a Saturday morning and just knowing that I will have a supply of clean clothes, abundant food etc without having to worry about how it all got there. I too end up doing all the cooking and most of the domestic tasks because although hubby is a willing helper, I get fed up with the endless questions and detailed instructions that it takes for him to get something done.

I would endorse Marina's suggestion of a Life Coach - perhaps just clearly setting out your goals and priorities and establishing a way of working towards them would help. We have recently put together a sketchy plan of what we want to achieve in the next five years in terms of where we live and the work we do and it has made me feel a LOT LOT better.

As far as your husband is concerned though, occassionally with mine I have to really explode into sobbing despair to get him to notice that there is a problem. I freely admit to a degree of over-acting on my part but it seems to me that it is the only way to ensure that he realises how important an issue is.

Eot, I'm another one not quite holding it together. I make a list most days, but never get to the end of it. If I'm nearing the end I know it's because I've fogotten something. Unopened post can lie around for two days - I never used to be like this. Somehow, as the children get older, their lives get more complicated. I'm now doing daily paperwork and phone calls for my son!

To bring some order, I try and theme my days. This is easier to do now I am not working, but I used to do this at work too.

A house day - extra housework, phoning up about getting the front of our house painted, fitting new light bulbs, doing the weekly shop etc.etc
etc

A money day - phoning the bank, paying bills, changing insurance policies, etc

A children day - phoning up about nurseries for my toddler and after school activites for my oldest, mending school uniform, tidying their bedrooms etc

Or, most important not to forget this one: a me day - organising a smear test, a hair dressing appointment, sorting out the rubbish in my handbag, phoning a long lost friend etc

At the end of a day like this, I do feel I've made some progress in one area of my life at least. I just get too stressed chopping and changing my focus throughout the day, from bills, to nursery, to best friend, so try to home in on one area only. Just have to make sure I don't succumb to a me day every day.

An old cliche here, but what we all need is a wife!

Scummy, no you don't need to be in the least organised to use FLYlady - that's the beauty of it! She recognises the overwhelmingness (is that a real word??) of it all and breaks it down into manageable chunks. She focuses on a small area usually for 15 minutes. So, you'd do your laundry for 15 minutes (I don't think she ever irons cos she folds it all from the tumble drier) or take a cloth and wipe all the light switches for 15 minutes - all these things you notice but never seem to get round to doing, because we think that we have to do the whole lot at once. She also suggets 27 Fling Boogies, when you grab a bin bag and chuck 27 things away. 27 is a good feng shui number, apparently. She also tells you to identify your Hot Spots - you know the ones, the places where everybody dumps everything - and clear it every day. The only word of warning I have for you is that she's the Gina Ford of housekeeping, LOL!

Endoftether, I could have written your post two months ago. While everyone's practical suggestions are good, it sounds to me as if you could be depressed. I say this because I want to say that it's not your fault that you feel your life's falling apart, and it's (hopefully) not the start of a huge decline! I've been depressed myself for a large chunk of this year, and so I recognise your symptoms of not being able to be bothered about all the things you used to be so organised about, and preferring to live on takeaways, red wine & crap TV. I used to think constantly about all the things I had to do, but just couldn't bring myself to move off the sofa. It sounds silly in hindsight, but it was so real at the time. Meanwhile, dh was coming home & droning on about his work, seemingly oblivious to how unhappy I was.

So, eventually I organised a babysitter, booked a table & told dh what time we were going out. And we had a really lovely evening & it reminded us why we had got married in the first place. Over the next few weeks we had several discussions as to how we could reorganise our lives and share of domestic tasks, during which he told me how he doesn't like doing anything in the house because I always criticise him (just goes to show there's two sides to every story). I also had to practically pin him down and tell him how awful I was feeling and that he just had to be nicer and more considerate to me. I know that dh loves me, but he never makes any extra effort, and even when specifically asked to, he was either unwilling or unable to do so. When I couldn't cope for a bit, I found he couldn't pick up the slack, emotionally-speaking.

Anyway, I'm now feeling alot better (as I'm sure you will too). In our "new spirit of openness & co-operation" I try and give dh responsibility for tasks eg co-ordinating our DIY man, or "doing the shopping", or "getting tea ready". He's getting alot better (eg buying wine that's on offer, or using something up in the fridge), but be warned, it's an ongoing struggle! In return I'm making an effort not to criticise what he's done unless it's something important.

I realise that problems with your dh are only one of things you posted about, but hopefully things will start to look better if you can share your feelings with him. Let us know how you're getting on. And lots of cyberhugs from me, whoever you are.

LOL, Batters! Don't take it all to heart, just use her as a memory jogger.

Does fly lady still do the shiny sink routine? I registered for a few weeks last year and found it really helpful - esp the hotspot abd 15 minutes time limits. I ended up de-registering as the daily e-mails got a bit much, but if I get really bad again, I would definately register again.

Batters don't panic !
I joined up ages ago after SueDonim recommended it and it really does work - before I started I felt so totally overwhelmed by every aspect of my life that I honestly thought I must have delayed PND. I wouldn't say my house is perfect by any means but things don't fall on my head when I open cupboards now and my feet rarely stick to the kitchen floor.
I think the reason it works is because you can do your 15 mins or whatever than not panic because eventually things will get done, it didn't get like that overnight so it won't go away that quickly either (I also view weight loss like that now too)
Tigermoth's approach sounds good too (but that's no surprise, given her seemingly unending supply of good ideas !!) as again it breaks things down into more managable bits.

Thought I would have a look at this flylady site but it doesn't seem to be working just now. Nevermind another day's procrastination, can't say I didn't try!

EOT I know you said you didn't have much time for exercise but this is one thing I have found helps, it seems that the more physical energy you put out the more you get back. It certainly helped me when DS was about 15 months and I started going to some keep-fit classes, it felt like a dark cloud was being lifted, not only did I look better but I felt so much better and more inclined to get on with things. However new baby due in six weeks and I have had to give up the classes, still go swimming, walking etc but it doesn't seem to have the same effect! Also find I get quite irritable/slightly depressed on days when my classes are on.

Demented, I totally agree with you. If I have been to the gym I have more energy, sleep better and am generally in a much better mood. I think exercise is a great release and critical for mental as well as physical health.

EoT, it really sounds as if you're coping admirably with a different situation, but that all your energies are being used up just keeping going, so there's nothing left over to put into changing things for the better - which IMHO has to start with your DH, lovely or not, waking up and smelling the coffee. No wonder you don't have much enthusiasm for sex with him, by your account he's carrying on more like you're his mum than his equal partner in life. Sorry, that's very cheeky, but I really don't think you should blame yourself about stuff when he's getting such a cushy deal.

Anyway, my original intention was to say I think Demented is absolutely right, however hard it seems exercise is the key to getting some energy to be able to make your life better. And it's connected to my suggestion which is to HAVE FUN! This advice was given to me a few years ago by a lovely acupuncturist when I was miserable, overloaded, and overwhelmed, and it was the best advice I ever got from anyone. Not always the easiest to put into practice, but an afternoon's fun - whatever form that takes for you - is just a brilliant way to energise and cheer a girl who needs it.

EOT, why don't you go away for a weekend, have some time to yourself and let him cope with it all, also leave him some bills and things to do. Then he'll maybe appreciate all you do.

Re the money thing. I know exactly how you feel. I cannot believe how much we spend. It seems the more we earn the more we spend. Childcare is so expensive and I find that at the end of the month I am getting overdrawn which I never used to. I don't even go out that much anymore so can't understand it at all. Its so depressing.
You have my total sympathy but I do think that you should definitely have some time for you and let him hold the fort for a couple of days. I'm sure it will make him appreciate you tons more and suggest sharing the household paperwork / bills responsiblities

NO, no Batters, if you joined up today, you have to ignore all the e-mails except the first of the three-parter for novice fly ladys!! as I said , it is helpful once you stop giggling!

I don't think there's any hope for me, Suedonim. I've just flooded the bathroom - so busy trying to log on and sign up for Fly Lady tips that I forgot that the boys' bath was running! Doh.

Oh, Scummy! Have some virtual towels to mop up the mess [] [] []

I'm sure Flylady must have tips on how not to flood the bathroom!