Spiralling out of control

[endofteather]

WARNING: extended self-pitying moan alert!
I wonder if anyone else has the same feeling that their life is spiralling out of control?
Let me explain.... (change of name for this, by the way due to feelings of shame/embarrassment).
I used to think of myself as organised, and in control, on top of everything with lots of good things in my life. I still have some of the good things (children, obviously, and husband), but these days everything just seems to be getting on top of me.
Home: Basically, I'm "in charge" of everything to do with the running of the household - money/bills, maintenance/DIY, paperwork etc... This is mainly because I've taken it upon myself, but lately I just don't seem to have the time/inclination to deal with all the "stuff". I don't have the time/can't be bothered to make the phone calls/file the papers. We do at least have a cleaner; I hate to think what the house would look like if we didn't. When I get home from work, and have collected the children from various points around the town, all I want to do is come onto mumsnet, make tea (but find that a big effort - I hate deciding what to give them, and then feel guilty that I'm not feeding them nutritious enough food), put them to bed and then watch TV/veg out. Instead, I have all the other stuff to do - for which I used to have plenty of time/energy, but now just can't face. I'm a great one for lists, and used to take great pleasure in ticking off the items. Now the list just gets longer, and things that need doing now get put off until it's too late. Meanwhile, I spend my time on mumsnet and playing minesweeper.
Moneyur money situation is getting slowly worse, despite supposedly having more income now than ever. I find it so depressing to think about it, and as I've always been in charge of organising the finances, I feel like it's all my fault - if we book a holiday, dh thinks I know we have enough money for it, and I just think "well, I want a holiday, we earn more now than ever, so lets have one". It's got so that I'm scared to do my reconciliation (you see, I used to be really organised and use Microsoft Money), as the news is not going to be good.
Work: The job I'm in pays well, and is fairly flexible, but I don't really enjoy it. But I feel trapped, especially with regards to our money situation (see above). I can choose the hours I work (on an annual hours contract), but I never seem to be on top of it - I take 1/2 hour here and there, and then I'm playing catch-up the whole time. Plus the fact that there is an unspoken agreement that my work is "less important" (ie pays less) than dh's, so my work fits round his, which again takes its toll on my hours and the quality of my work. The company I work for never tell you if your work is good (or even just OK), they work on the "if nothing's said, then presume everythings OK" premise, which I find really demotivating.
DH: A truly lovely man, but completely engrossed in his work, it occupies about 75% of his time and energy, sport/TV etc occupy about 15% and we get the remaining 10% (maybe I'm being unfair, but that's how it feels). He'll do anything I ask him for the home/children, but he has to be asked. He does not seem to put any effort into home, he uses it all up on work, and that leaves me with the mental burden of everything at home. He does not know such things as how the central heating timer works, who our various insurance policies are with, how much he brings home net every month (honestly..). As I say, he will do anything (washing, cooking, ironing, paperwork) I ask, but it has to be explained first, and he has to be asked and then reminded. As far as our relationship goes, we get on very well, I love him, and he loves me, but I just can't find any enthusiasm for the physical side of the relationship. For him, the "urge" is as strong as ever, and he's very flattering about me (despite the 2 stone too much I carry around), and I like the thought in theory, but in practice, it all just seems like too much effort.
Me: As I said, I'm about 2 stone overweight, but can find no energy to do anything about it, I feel like food and wine are some of the only things that give me pleasure, and the thought of having to organise the "right" things to eat, and some exercise (let alone finding the time) just fills me with apathy.
So, to (finally) sum up; I'm fed up of being "in charge" of everything, and the burden of guilt / work never finished that I feel I'm constantly carrying around. I want things to change, but I feel really stuck in most areas of my life. The worse thing is that I know it's all down to me to make the changes, but I just don't know where/when I will ever find the energy/time.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. You're all so kind and caring. It's amazing how easy it was to pour my heart out to "strangers" (although that's not how I think of you all), rather than admit to friends and family that I'm not the organised, capable person they think I am. In fact, I think that's part of the problem, I can't bear to admit to anyone that I'm a "failure", especially as most people would probably look at my life and think "what the hell has she got to moan about". But knowing that only makes me feel worse. Knowing that it's only me who can sort me out makes it worse. And I hate being so full of self-pity.
You've all come up with so many good ideas - the timer idea sounds good, as does the "different days for different tasks" idea (although I only usually have 2 hours once a week for everything, as I'm so disorganised at the moment). I did visit the Fly Lady site once before, but as my sink is plastic, and will never be shiny, I used that as a reason to make my excuses and leave - maybe I should revisit and be more positive.
I know I need to talk to dh about all this, but it's hard to find time at home, and if we're out it seems wrong to spoil that precious "us" time with "business talk". (Plus the fact I don't want to become a sobbing mess in public). To be fair to him, he's very keen for me to have "me" time, and I have had a couple of weekends away on my own, but I just don't think that's enough time for him to realise what it's like being me - he just concentrates on the children and doesn't have 100 other tasks to carry out. I think in the past I've shied away from a "fairer" division of labour as he works full-time, and I only work part-time. But then I think "Why should he stop when he gets home - I don't". I seriously think that if he wasn't around, then my life would not change so much (organisationally, not emotionally), whereas the other way round, he wouldn't know where to start. I don't understand why anyone would be so happy to relinquish all responsibility that they don't even know what's in their pay packet. But that's obviously what I need to ask him.
I'm going to stop now, before your patience wears thin with me. I just wish I could stop feeling overwhelmed by everything I need to do, and get on and do it.

Oops, I posted the wrong URL for Flylady. HERE it is, I hope.

I think one of Flylady's 11 commandments is very pertinent to all of us on Mumsnet: 'Don?t allow yourself to be sidetracked by the computer'!

EoT - no one's patience is going to wear thin because we're all sitting here nodding our heads as we read ... at least I am! I recognise so much of what you say in your original posting - feeling stuck and fed up of being in charge. Recently I've found myself just staring at heaps of rubbish and clean but crumpled laundry, trying to shop when I don't care what we eat, just blobbing out rather than doing anything about the chaos. I have been so maudlin recently I haven't even been reading Mumsnet (now that's bad!) I think it's a way of your body and mind just rebelling and telling you they've had enough.
My solutions have been small ones so far. I managed a day out (NO KIDS! Yippee!) and that did me a power of good. I found a good book in the library and actually read it (OK, so I ignored the kids throwing their food around as I read it at suppertime but it was worth it!) instead of just passing time with newspapers and magazines. I bought a noticeboard and starting writing lists so I could pick out one thing a day and do it, instead of floundering round forgetting everything.
I still feel I will never reach my own personal Life Laundry nirvana, but every little helps.
It sounds like you are feeling under-valued in every area of your life, so maybe you need some activity just for you that will make you feel an achiever again (as you obviously used to feel and clearly still are!)
Only other point - have you checked out the obvious health issues - anaemia/thyroid etc. Things can sneak up on you without realising and you might also be genuinely tired.
Good luck. Now I must get off Mumsnet and actually go and cook one of those boring suppers.

Inkpen, thanks for your words, and sorry it took me so long to reply - been away from the PC for a few days, and it's taking me ages to catch up.
I have now broached the subject with dh - in fact very calmly, and we're sitting down tonight to go through everything, and see if we can get some sort of system going to keep everything running smoothly. I don't really want to run my home like a business (weekly meetings, task lists etc...), but maybe it's the only way while our lives are so busy.
Dh asked me last night if I thought it would be any time soon that I would feel like having sex again - he's really trying hard not to make me feel under pressure, poor thing. I reassured him that I thought once we are on the road to sorting the chaos surrounding us, I might be able to have some space free in my mind for sex. Does anyone else feel that their libido depends more on their head than their body? For me it's a very delicate balance, and if I'm not in the right frame of mind, then there's no chance - I'm sure I never used to be like this, in the first flush o four relationship, I was overtaken by lust on many occasions, It just doesn't happen any more.
Anyway, I'm starting to feel a bit more in control, and hopefully after our "meeting" tonight, things will start to seem less overwhelming.

I do think that the "having it all" generation is exceptionally demanding physically and emotionally. We got to quite a crisis point before Christmas I feel that my life is not in controll I cant socialise etc unless my domestic scene is "perfect" how sad is that?...However I did get TTEOM tether and it resulted in a really stressful and highly charged atmosphere me screaming about all the things I had to do, nagging my husband all the time feeling exhausted and not getting things done. I decided that I did not want my children to be part of a family that revolved around a demented mother whose main aim in life is a clean house at the expense of all else...however my hhusband does have to take some responsibility for the situation and like my men will opt out of the domestic scene unless cajoled etc,..what we diod however (although this sounds really tedious)was list out all of the domestic/childcare chores and sorted them into daily and weekly tasks then we just split the list between us - this means that I now do not have responsiblity for asking or nagging on a daily basis to get chore x done. He does get on with it most of the time. What was really motivating was outlining that the main objective of splitting the tasks was so that we could achieve a more harmonious home life for the children the tasks need to get done they matter very much to me they matter very little to my husband - however a peaceful atmosphere in which to nuture our children matters the most to both of us. So a spirit of cooperation and demonstration of respect achieves this. Its really looking at the big picture - now I dont feel too hard done by and dont have to nag -- and the children live in a happier house.
We have also decided to live a "simpler" life. I think that we all try to be "doing" to much especially if we work during the week. At Easter I arranged for us to go away for a couple of nights this involved (after work on Thurs eve)...washing, ironing, sorting, packing clothes, toys, food and equip for all 5 of us including sterilers, cars seats, push chairs travel cots etc...5 hrs on the bank holiday motorway traffic ... we returned exhausted ...what was the point we would have had more "quality time" digging for worms in the garden. We do need to borrow from the business world processes to run our domestic lives...not so that we can do more necessarilly but so that we can simplify and take the stress out. Does anyone know of a book on domestic organisation ?? A little planning helps put in all into prespective all the usual "little chunks" "prioritising" etc....the one areathat I have negalected because I am too scared to look at is our finances and food/meal planning. With the paper work thing....I dump everything in a corner and only address things that I get prompted on - then I clear it out once amonth and most is by then ready to go in the bin!!

knakered - I will admit to owning a copy of this book! It might help!

I've just been searching through the archives and I could have written EndofTethers messages - I'm also pregnant at the moment so it feels even worse. Anyone else having bad day. Yes do think I'm suffering a little depression - really can't stop crying

OuiOui, you are not alone. On reading this thread I feel that I too could've written EndofTeathers note. I have for a few weeks been feeling very overwhelmed by everything I have to do and have been getting very tearful. It is non-stop - I NEVER sit down and watch telly or read a book for example. I work full time, DD is in nursery and DH works long hours so I feel he's only really around at the weekends. My weeks are therefore very busy - I get up about 6.30 and bed about 11/11.30. My weekends not much better - DH usually sleeps through our "wake up call" so I've usually given DD breakfast and got her dressed before he even stirs. And of course, over the weekend I have to do about 5 loads in the washine machine, supermarket shop, housework, etc. DH does help with all of this but usually after prompting from me. He's usually busy with DD having fun - I sometimes wonder if thinks I actually prefer to be in the kitchen with my Marigolds on rather than running around in the garden with DD. My problem I think is that he is very good at looking after DD but not so good at looking after me. I think I'd cry with joy if he turned round one day and said he'd booked me a facial or suggested I go shopping on my own or even out for a walk but it never happens.
I've never felt down before but I think I'm just exhausted right now and it doesn't help at all that it gets dark so early now and the pressure of Christmas is coming. The light at the end of the tunnel is that hopefully he'll change his job in a few months and be around more - but this is good to get it off my chest anyhow!

Meid, my dh and I have a strict one morning on/one morning off rota for getting up with ds and giving him breakfast. At the weekends, this means we have a lie in on at either Saturday or Sunday. We agreed this and always stick to him. Recently however, ds has been waking at 7.30 for me, and 6am for dh - he thinks I've been coaching him!

It really takes the pressure of the mornings and is totally fair so I'd try it if I were you. He only sleeps through the wakeup call because you let him!

BTW, if I were you I'd stop thinking in terms of his giving you 'permission' to take time off and just do it. Book yourself a facial & manicure this w/e and tell him you'll be out between, say 3 and 5pm on Saturday. The world won't fall apart!

PS if you're both working full time, I'd say it was time to invest a tenner a week or so each or between you to pay a cleaner, which will also help take the pressure off. The joy of coming home to a clean tidy house on Friday nights (& then having a takeaway so no dirty pans/washing up) is incalculable.

& get your big shop delivered on Saturday morning. Order it from work - after all, it's their fault you don't have any time to shop!

We do the same thing regarding having a rest aloha, I get Saturdays til 10.30 and he gets sundays. It keeps us going tbh. We don't do it in school hols though because the kids don't get up that early if left to their own devices (9 is usually the earliest) , but I'd definitely recommend lie ins.

Thank you Aloha. We've actually just sorted out a cleaner (starting this week) and I did insist on a lie in this Sunday (for the first time in months) but you are right - I should make it a regular thing. As far as taking time out for myself, I agree, I should just do it and not wait to be told - I can see now that my thinking is all back to front!
If you secretly did coach ds to wake up later for you perhaps you can give me some tips !

Meid
I totally sypathise/empathise. It's not so much the facial - it's the fact that dh organises it! I think it's the action I'm hoping for. Totally agree about the cleaner - that leaves you the washing and general maintenance but at least the big jobs are done once a week.
And it's not just physical exhaustion - I think we underrate the emotional exhaustion/burden of organisation/responsibility etc

Just read your post properly meid. If dh is sleeping through then wake him up. You don't have to be the only one getting her dressed and breakfasted. And even if he doesn't do it in the way you want, it won't really matter if she stays in her pyjamas for another hour will it? Get dh handy with a hoover, or clearing the breakfast things away. Prompt as much as needed, men don't seem to get bothered by crumbs and food all over the place like we do. Get your shopping done online to save you having to go out, or send him with a list.

My dh is not perfect, would sleep until 2pm happily every day, but gets up when he has to. He does all the school runs ( I don't drive) , gives them breakfast on the saturday, can wield a hoover and knows how to work the dishwasher (though the washing machine is a bit mystifying to him), and I can send him off to the supermarket with a list and know it will pretty much all be in the bags when he gets back. He mucks in because he is expected to, his family too you see .

Maybe your dh just hasn't realised that you could do with some help? Some men are notoriously dim with regard to working out what we need from them!

Good news Meid - go for it. OuiOui, if your dh is like any man I've ever met, that surprise facial just ain't gonna happen - hoping for it will just doom you to endless disappointment and a simmering sense of resentment. YOu want a facial? Book it! Then enjoy.

I didn't mean to give the impression that DH is really bad - he's not. He's very capable and willing to do the hoovering, cleaning the bath etc., going to the supermarket - I think it is a more subtle thing that gets to me in that I am more in tune to what needs doing and fed up with prompting.
Anyway, from now on we will each have a lie at the weekend. We will also shop on line. The cleaner is coming so hopefully that will work out. I also think I will look into someone doing the ironing.
Lou33, I think you are right in that he doesn't realise how overwhelmed by it all I am. Hopefully these few things will make a big difference.

oh just listen to us. In the harsh light of day and a full stomach I can't imagine what all my tears were about. Funnily enough, my dh is normally the type to get me surprises/little treats etc. Just not right now when I feel most needy. I'm not justifying his behaviour - just getting things into perspective - he's normally top hubby!

I can’t believe I’m dredging up this 20 year old thread…!!!! And I don’t think I’ve even posted on here before. But I relate so much to this. Don’t know what kind of response I’m expecting (if at all) but just wanted to put it out there…

Make your own new thread.

How did you even find this one?

Honestly I just googled how I felt and it came up. Yes good idea!