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Original poster

NC with parents and receive surprise invitation - how do I respond?

38 replies

reddaisy · 28/05/2015 09:40

I am NC with my 'D'Mum and have been for most of this year - a week ago I received an invitation to her wedding in Cyprus, all expenses paid by the looks of things.

How do I respond? There was no note, just the invitation and she has accepted me going NC very easily, I have only received two emails since I made the decision and informed her of it.

Do I just ignore this as I have the two previous emails? I am very cynical about it as there were no wedding plans with her long-term partner when we went NC and I feel it has been partially designed to bring me back into the fold/make me out to be the baddie to the wider family if I don't show up.

OP posts:
TokenGinger · 28/05/2015 09:43

I think a bit of back story is needed to establish why you are NC.

Original poster
reddaisy · 28/05/2015 09:44

Emotional neglect in childhood and ignoring/burying head in sand about sexual abuse.

OP posts:
loveareadingthanks · 28/05/2015 09:47

I don't know your reasons for NC and whether you intended it to be permanent, or a break from her. So won't comment on whether you should go or not. If it was permanent, don't, if it was temporary, think about it.

However, you could say that by not fighting the NC she's been respecting your wishes. the point of going NC is to have no contact, not to provoke someone into taking action to try and win you back. If she'd been texting, calling and emailing you and trying to ignore/negate the NC you instigated, you'd be complaining about her harrassing you and not accepting your wishes. Did you really want NC or did you want a reaction from her?

And I find it hard to believe anyone would decide to get married and organise a wedding abroad (and have their partner go along with it) just to be manipulative. If you really think this is the case, then NC seems the best option with someone so very odd.

Koalafications · 28/05/2015 09:49

Don't respond to the invite reddaisy just ignore it.

Unless you think you might regret missing her wedding? But with that kind of history I don't think you would.

pocketsaviour · 28/05/2015 09:50

If you don't intend to resume contact, just ignore.

Her not sending a cover note doesn't make it sound like she wants a reconciliation attempt. And a wedding would definitely not be the sort of environment where you could sit calmly and talk through any issues!

Original poster
reddaisy · 28/05/2015 09:51

I don't think it is just to be manipulative but I think it is subconsciously part of the reason, they have been together for 15 years so I'm not sure why the sudden rush if the two aren't connected.

I intended it to be NC for now, I didn't want to make any decisions about how I would feel in the future but I certainly don't feel ready to re-establish contact. I definitely didn't do it for a reaction, in fact, life has been much calmer in the last few months. I am also not complaining about her lack of contact, it has made life easier and meant I can focus on my own family/job/life etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
reddaisy · 28/05/2015 09:54

I think what I am feeling is sadness that we don't have a better relationship and that I feel unable to be part of the day because of everything that has gone before. I went NC before and we swept it all under the carpet again when we re-established contact for the sake of the DC but the issues are still there and I don't think I can keep ignoring them for the sake of family etiquette and to make everyone feel more comfortable because we would all be together at weddings/birthdays/Christmas etc.

OP posts:
Meerka · 28/05/2015 09:54

Do you think you will want some sort of relationship with her in the future? That could be a reason to accept ... but would she be likely to make a scene? Or to be mean to you in other ways? ... reason not to go.

if you know you don't want a relationship in the future then you can just bin the invite.

How important are the extended family to you? Do you think they would believe her badmouthing you? does it actually matter to you what they think? (genuine question there).

One last question: if you look back in 10 years' time, would you regret it if you didn't go? as best you can guess.

More questions than answers sorry but maybe posing the questions can clarify your mind a bit. In principle, if you think there is a chance she genuinely wants to make things better, I'd be inclined to accept an olive branch. But that very much depends on what she's like and what I wanted myself to do. Sometimes enough is enough and you don't want to rekindle a relationship, even with family.

There isnt very much information in your post so no one can give you a very clear answer, I think.

redshoeblueshoe · 28/05/2015 09:55

Ignore it. Really do not worry about the rest of the family. If they know what's happened and are ignoring it, then they have chosen her side. If they don't know then you need to decide what you want to do about that.

iknowimcoming · 28/05/2015 09:56

I've been nc with my mum for 3 years ish and tbh this is exactly the sort of thing she would do to try and provoke a reaction! It sounds to me a bit like you are tempted by a free holiday and maybe that's her plan, but if you are and want to stay nc then the answer is ignore ignore ignore. If you are thinking about getting back in touch then that's a whole other thing but personally if there's issues with your wider family too, I'd say a family gathering/occasion is the last thing to get involved in, and I'd choose a much quieter setting to get back in touch. Good luck op!

senua · 28/05/2015 09:57

If it was 'turn up at the church/registry office for a few hours' then there might be a case to be made.
Going abroad i.e. being stuck with them with no escape for several days is totally different.

Original poster
reddaisy · 28/05/2015 10:05

It is so difficult posting more info on a public forum in case it outs you. I am not tempted by the free holiday, if anything it makes it worse as it can't be a quick 'show your face' type situation. I think the free holiday element could be part of the manipulation though.

I don't think I would regret not going, I truly don't want to cause her unhappiness but I just feel unable to continue a relationship with her anymore. I wish things were different, but they aren't. I have been a little disappointed with my wider family and their lack of support but, I am trying not to judge them for it as this is my decision, not theirs and they do understand the backstory. I am trying to forge new connections with them separate to my 'D'M.

I do think she genuinely wants to make up but she isn't emotionally equipped to look at my reasons for going NC, address them/acknowledge them and apologise. She wants it all to go away hence the big event where it would be all fake smiles for the cameras and ignoring what is really going on.

OP posts:
Justusemyname · 28/05/2015 10:07

I don't think any explanations are needed for why you have gone NC and if you are happy with that decision I would not go to the wedding. Don't let her manipulate you.

Anniegetyourgun · 28/05/2015 10:08

Do you feel the social niceties would be observed by sending a card saying "I shall not be able to attend but hope you have a lovely time"?

Is she trying you buy you back with a trip to Cyprus?

Original poster
reddaisy · 28/05/2015 10:16

I don't know, Anniegetyourgun. We haven't had a holiday abroad since we had DS eight years ago so it is possible but I am also not easily swayed/bought which she should know and once we DD gets her free hours at nursery then we might be able to start planning for a family holiday ourselves, it isn't that we won't ever be able to afford to go abroad again as a family.

OP posts:
CamelHump · 28/05/2015 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
reddaisy · 28/05/2015 10:31

Possibly but that is probably because I am still using a normal barometer to measure what is, sadly, not a normal relationship.

OP posts:
giantpurplepeopleeater · 28/05/2015 10:50

You're not ready to establish contact with her - you've said so yourself.

For that reason I would say that you should ignore it. It sounds like you've explained and your mother is well aware of the reasons behind the NC, and you're right, it looks like she would like an opportunity to sweep things under the carpet and start again.

Problem is, that doesn't work for you. Don't feel obliged to attend or acknowledge in anyway.

TBH - an out of the blue invitation after you had explained all your reasons and misgivings about sweeping it under the carpet is an attempt to circumvent your feelings about it, so I wouldn't play into it.

Meerka · 28/05/2015 11:05

You said it's all expenses paid.

That would come with a heavy obligation if you did go; it's hard to accept someone's money and then not fall in with their plans and smiles.

As iknow said if she really wants a reconcilement then a small informal occasion would be a much better first meeting.

not saying Go or Don't Go, just pointing a couple things out.

Original poster
reddaisy · 28/05/2015 12:06

Thanks for the advice everyone, lots to think about.

OP posts:
headlesslambrini · 28/05/2015 12:15

are you sure the invite has come from her? Could someone else have sent it with the best of intentions? I dont think that you should completely ignore it, I would at the very least email a short reply, just something along the lines of Dear Mum, I have received your invite for your wedding but I won't be able to make it. You are not thanking her for it nor apologising for not attending.

Original poster
reddaisy · 28/05/2015 12:34

I'm sure, headlesslambrini.

OP posts:
Mitzimaybe · 28/05/2015 12:51

I wouldn't completely ignore, I would decline with a brief reply, much as Anniegetyourgun suggested. No explanation, no justification, perhaps buy a "Wedding Regret" response card from a card shop and fill in the gaps, just I/We regret that I/we will be unable to attend your wedding.

Weddings should be joyous occasions but unfortunately can be emotionally difficult for a lot of people at the best of times. It's not exactly a "no strings attached" free holiday, is it? There's a lot of potential in future for her to say "Oh, now you don't want to talk to me? But you were quick enough to come to Cyprus at my expense. There's gratitude for you" or that kind of thing.

You may well feel that she "owes you something" but it's more likely she's doing this for future leverage than as a way of making things up to you.

SugarOnTop · 28/05/2015 16:00

it's been 5 months since you went NC with her - it doesn't sound like her silence has been anything to do with 'respecting' your wishes, more like ignoring your wishes, not taking them seriously and treating them like 'silliness' on your part- hence the wedding invite.

a genuine person in this situation would first offer to meet with you and talk through the issues or at least reach some common ground before giving you an invite. you've already said she doesn't want to talk about/acknowledge/deal with the issues and her current actions prove she isn't going to change on that front.

i would just completely ignore the invite - no response to let her know you won't be attending.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/05/2015 16:11

You do not respond at all to the invite in any way; if you do you will undo the no contact currently in place and any progress you have made since the start of the NC. Also responding at all just gives her an "in" to bother you even more, it never stops at that.

No invite like this is ever sent from such a person without "conditions" attached to it; you will pay for accepting this in other ways which you have not yet thought of. You are NC for very good reasons, keep to remaining so as well.

If she is too toxic for you to deal with, its the same deal for your both vulnerable and defenceless children as well. Its not your fault this happened.

Do you think she has felt any regret or guilt for you; she has not. She feels she has done nothing wrong here. You're carrying all the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) instead. What happened to you was not your fault, you were abjectly let down and abused by the very people who you thought were trustworthy. They are not worthy of you at all.

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