NC with parents and receive surprise invitation - how do I respond?

[reddaisy]

I am NC with my 'D'Mum and have been for most of this year - a week ago I received an invitation to her wedding in Cyprus, all expenses paid by the looks of things.

How do I respond? There was no note, just the invitation and she has accepted me going NC very easily, I have only received two emails since I made the decision and informed her of it.

Do I just ignore this as I have the two previous emails? I am very cynical about it as there were no wedding plans with her long-term partner when we went NC and I feel it has been partially designed to bring me back into the fold/make me out to be the baddie to the wider family if I don't show up.

I don't think she has the capacity to change and nor does she feel she has to, I think members of our wider family are enablers as well - they say things like 'oh, she did her best'. Actually no, she very much didn't do her best and only ever put herself first over and over again.

I feel that while she has those messages from other people then I can be seen as the errant one whose viewpoint is skewed, I would really like her to get counselling and explore what happened and to try and see things from my perspective (I have spelt it out so she ought to be aware) but I don't think there is any way she would do that.

This feels like a grand gesture from an ex or something - looks impressive to outsiders but it is actually meaningless when you have moved on.

Rafflesway, how do you/your DC feel about having such a small family? I feel a little sad about that on behalf of my DC - the wider fall out of NC has been bigger than I anticipated and it is sad that their world is getting smaller although we have made much more of an effort with our friends in recent months so they still have lots of socialising at the weekends etc. DH's family is very small and very far away so not a consistent presence in our lives either.

Attila, your post feels like the one that resonates with me the most. Thank you.

No invite like this is ever sent from such a person without "conditions" attached to it; you will pay for accepting this in other ways which you have not yet thought of.

This. Pp saying not to completely ignore it are wrong. I suggest doing a Google search for hoovering tactics, also.

I have no contact with my family for similar reasons to you. I'm sorry the fall out has been so bad but it's worth it to protect yourself and your Dc from such rotten dynamics.

She only wants you there for her image, not to see you.

Atilla knows her stuff, if that resonates, please trust her post and just ignore.

No sorry I can't make it, no wedding decline card, do not acknowledge

If you do, she'll use it against you, and potentially enlist henchmen to pressure you too. There's every risk that still may happen, be ready.

And as has been pointed out:

a genuine person in this situation would first offer to meet with you and talk through the issues or at least reach some common ground before giving you an invite.

This, however, is classic hoovering.

Peppermint, do you mean that sending the invitation without any preamble is classic hovering?

I think it is a win/win for her - if I come then she has broken the NC and if I stay away she will be able to paint me as the bad one.

Hoovering is manipulation to gain control over your choice to distance yourself. In this case you have received an unwanted and unexpected card from her.

Attempts to pull you back into a toxic relationship are not valid expressions of caring and concern — they are attempts to regain control over your behaviour.

Keep on ignoring all such demands dressed up as communication, do not respond at all.

You have made progress since you went no contact; if you at all respond to this you will break that. Let her flying monkeys think what they want; none of them would act in your own interests anyway and such people are also well worth avoiding.

Thanks Attila. I have definitely made progress since going NC and this is weighing on me again now. I will bin the invite and not engage - should I change the subject have a line ready to say to family who bring it up with me? Such as: "my position hasn't changed so it is probably best that we talk about something else."

That sounds good.

Peppermint, do you mean that sending the invitation without any preamble is classic hovering?

Yup, sadly so.

Ahh thanks. Thanks for the reply, Rafflesway. My DC do know my 'D'M but they haven't asked to see her since we went NC which is telling in itself - it mainly indicates to me how she wasn't involved in their lives.