Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Objective opinions on what I should do please

27 replies

wishicouldseethefuture · 28/05/2015 08:49

I posted a thread on here last year but can't link to it for some reason. Things have moved on in as much as I sold my property, cleared most not all debt - turned out we had another 7/8k debt I didn't know about where DH had borrowed off various people. Moved to rent a friends place as less rent per month. DH stopped drinking in October - I laid it on the line after a certain incident! And hasn't drunk since. Still short tempered with me and children.

I was a sahm but managed to get a job at the beginning of the year and my current dilemma is in relation to this. My DH wants me to give up work - on the basis it is too stressful on us all me working plus it's actually costing money to go to work taking into account childcare and travel. He doesn't think my concerns re money - ie his attitude to debt (he doesn't deal with it so it escalates) and job - quite often he'll say he almost told his work to stick it! I accept I may be more stressed and am working on that. I've suggested alternate childcare arrangements but he said it won't make any difference and may cost more - without trying it.

What would you do in this position/what do you think is the reasonable thing to do?

There is plenty more to add but if I put everything in it would be a massive thread.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 28/05/2015 12:24

If your job is improving your mental health, keep it. As long as you're not driving yourself into more debt with the cost/benefit ratio.

Have you suggested to DH that he goes part time instead to look after the kids? I'd be interested to hear his take on that ;-)

twistletonsmythe · 28/05/2015 12:27

No - I don't think you should give up work. He is short tempered, history of drinking, awful with money. I think you need to cling on to your independence.

You sold a property to clear his debt??

I wonder why you have stayed with him tbh.

AnyFucker · 28/05/2015 12:30

ltb

YvyB · 28/05/2015 12:31

Keep your job. You don't know what the future holds but it's a damn sight easier to tackle the unknown with a steady income and an up to date CV. You know your dh is financially unreliable. You and your dc might really need your income. Yes, working full time is stressful, but that's mainly due to the practicalities of life and these get easier as dc get older. Anyway, it's excellent training for them to see a wife and mother working and earning independently and it's excellent training for them to have to muck in with chores to keep the household running.

FredaMayor · 28/05/2015 12:33

I agree with ^^, and the fact that you and DH have different attitudes to work and childcare are going to make the future an uphill battle for you. And there's no excuse for being crabby to you and DC, its selfish and immature.

Isetan · 28/05/2015 13:45

Do not quit your job, it will come in handy when you decide to stop parenting this selfish and entitled man child.

GoatsDoRoam · 28/05/2015 14:17

Have I understood right, that you sold your property to clear his debt?

Do not quit your job. Do not lose even more of your financial independence for a man who causes such chaos in your life.

You have done a great amount of work to create a more stable situation. It will be even more stable when you cut loose from him. But you will need your job then.

pocketsaviour · 28/05/2015 14:34

I have just read Your thread from last year which you mentioned.

It actually sounds like your H has an alcohol problem, and has possibly now become what they call a "dry drunk" - someone who's not drinking, but is still displaying the unpleasant behaviours that go with addiction.

When he says you working is putting stress on the relationship it occurs to me this might mean one of these:
"You working full time means I have to do more of the housework and I don't like it"
or
"You working again has given you more confidence and you're challenging my shitty behaviour and I don't like it"

Or is there something else that's happening?

Smorgasboard · 28/05/2015 14:57

Income minus outgoings, whoever has the most left after could consider doing majority of child care, whether that is you or he. Has to have economic sense. I say consider as within that there is the future to think of. Child care costs decrease with time and can be as important to swallow the cost now to maintain future earning potential. Gotta hand it to you though, I'd of left this situation ages ago.

Original poster
wishicouldseethefuture · 28/05/2015 15:44

Have looked through replies so far - thank you all - am at work at the moment so will respond more fully later. Needless to say I want to continue working and have put forward reasons why. He however thinks I am blinkered and has asked me to ask someone else for a view - did so and they agreed with my viewpoint but he then said I obviously slanted the way I outlined it so they'd agree!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/05/2015 15:50

PS has it.

Original poster
wishicouldseethefuture · 28/05/2015 17:42

My DH is a very black and white thinking person and to be honest always thinks his view is correct. I think I'd be a fool to give my job up given the history. He thinks my job costing money and creating stress is equivalent if not worst to his attitude about debt! He considers it risking the mental health of our kids! But when I raise his temper he says he's working all hours and doesn't get much sleep - he has been sleeping on the sofa for the last year as I am still dealing with getting our youngest to sleep through the night. I'm not confident he won't go back to drinking although he hasn't so far. He doesn't make much effort in terms of the house but is slightly better than before, he also needs in my view to make more effort in terms of showering and brushing his teeth (I can relate to the other hygiene thread currently running). I can be criticized on the basis that I don't make much effort with him - personal husband/wife team and generally discussing our days. To be honest that's been a combination of focus on the children and being angry/frustrated with him. I do think he sees my job as a threat - he has mentioned some time ago about me being bored with him. I'm not looking for anyone else. I'm not happy with our situation still, I don't know if I can move past everything that's happened. I know if he insists on me giving work up we will reach an impasse as I'm not prepared to do that this time.

Regarding the debt really it was joint debt I suppose - although the additional debt I only found out about last year was living expenses, ie I thought he was earning sufficient money for us to live but seems not hence the debt!

OP posts:
Original poster
wishicouldseethefuture · 28/05/2015 17:46

Meant to say personal husband/wife time

OP posts:
Original poster
wishicouldseethefuture · 28/05/2015 17:50

He won't consider looking after the children - certainly not our youngest anyway. He's even said himself he'd likely lose his temper with them.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 28/05/2015 17:58

If you stay with him the future is crystal clear - and it ain't a pretty sight.

Why put your dc through needless suffering when you can create a future in which they won't find themselves posting here in 20 or so years' time?

Original poster
wishicouldseethefuture · 28/05/2015 18:00

And believe me when I read all my posts back I'm even thinking what a mug I am putting up with this for so long! If this were a friend I would have told them they were better off out of it - it's just when he stopped drinking I was then waiting for him to go back to it and that would be the reason to go. It's a huge wrench to break our family up although I know we're probably all going to be better off if I do that.

OP posts:
wallaby73 · 28/05/2015 18:12

What does him "insisting" you give up your job actually entail? How can he seriously "insist" on the course of action of a grown woman?

Have to say, pocketsaviour seems to have nailed it. It sounds no way to live; sounds to me his continuing presence and behaviour is the biggest threat to the kids mental health.....and yours Hmm

StaceyAndTracey · 28/05/2015 18:13

So....

He can't be trusted alone with his own children
He gets into serious debt and lies to you about it
He's an alcoholic
He's short tempered with you and the children
He's pressurising you to give up your job
He's always right and ignores your viewpoint ( you have to ask others to validate it )
He doesn't do much in the house
He has poor personal hygiene

Please PLEASE tell me why you are still with him ?

You wish you could see the future ? The best guide to the future is the past - this IS your future, you are living it right now. Is that what you want for you and your kids ???

StaceyAndTracey · 28/05/2015 18:14

Oh I forgot

He's very manipulative ( working will damage your children mental health )

WashingUpFairy · 28/05/2015 20:06

I believe your stress will practically disappear if you leave him.

Some people just take all of their lives without giving.

He will never change.

AnyFucker · 28/05/2015 21:02

yep, he's a taker all right

if you are prepared to give, give, give for the rest of your long-lived with nothing but stress and pressure coming back your way....then go for it

BeCool · 28/05/2015 21:03

Lose the husband, gain some (useful) tax credits.

Motherinlawsdung · 28/05/2015 21:06

Keep your job.
Dump your husband.

SolidGoldBrass · 28/05/2015 21:07

Just get rid of him and everything will be better. Don't let him emotionally blackmail you with the 'But I've stopped drinking so now you can't ask me to do anything else^ bullshit.
Someone who was an arsehole, then an alcoholic, then stopped drinking will still be an arsehole.

Original poster
wishicouldseethefuture · 28/05/2015 21:18

That pretty much was what he came out with last night - ie. I've done what you asked (stopped drinking), what more do you want. It seems whenever we talk he just turns everything I say to a negative. I agree with all of you - I do think this is it now. I'm not prepared to carry on like this, I just need to put the wheels in motion. Your comments have all reaffirmed what I had been thinking -he somehow always manages to put doubts in my mind when we try and discuss things though.

OP posts: