Was it unreasonable to say what I did?

[fishfingersinmysandwiches]

A couple of weeks ago a horrible incident of DV happened next door. The perpetrator wasn't my neighbours partner, but a younger teenage male member of the family. It was serious, involved use of a weapon, and resulted in injuries to my neighbour whom I have been friends with for a few years.

I was first alerted to it by an even younger member of the family crying over the back fence that I needed to call the police. I got them to climb over the back fence and into my property so that I could keep them safe whilst I phoned the police. My children were in the house and heard me having to relay to the police what was happening. My children have never (thank goodness - there but for the grace and all that) experienced any violence in their lives and were deeply shocked and upset by what they heard, as was I.

I have tried to be a good friend to my neighbour since. I have spent time with her so that she can talk if she feels like it, I have done shopping for her so that she doesn't have to leave the house, and I have taken her extremely distressed younger child to school when she couldn't face it. She is understandably absolutely devastated by what has happened.

Recently a rumour came about that one of my children had told someone at school what had happened. Some other children that also knew began ganging up on him saying he was going to be in big trouble. He denies having said anything but I have reassured him that it is not his responsibility to shoulder the burden of keeping anything so huge a secret and that while it is probably better to talk to me rather than other children at school, he has not done anything wrong.

However the other day my neighbour asked me and my son round because she wanted to speak to us. She gave my son a lecture about how he mustn't tell anyone about what has happened as the perpetrators reputation could suffer and it all needed to be kept a secret. My son was crying. This woman has quite an intimidating way about her, although she was calm, not shouting.

My son left to go back out and play. I felt angry and upset but made to leave too as I didn't want to add to this woman's trouble. But she could see I was upset and challenged me.

I told her (I didn't shout, but my voice was sharp and I was obviously angry) that if there was any negative fall out or consequences as a result of the DV incident then that was down to the perpetrator, and not my sons fault. If the perpetrators reputation was damaged then that was down to him. I told her she was busy blaming everyone else (including herself) when the full responsibility lay with the one who committed the violence. And then I left. We haven't spoken since.

But I feel like shit. I'm still upset that she hauled me and my son in front of her like naughty school children. I feel she undermined me as a parent and I also feel that she is sending unhealthy messages about domestic abuse - that it should be kept a secret and that perpetrators must be protected (I should probably mention in this case that the perpetrator is under sixteen). But I also understand that she is going through absolute hell and cannot be expected to behave perfectly.

I don't now know what to do. My friends seem to think it was reasonable to protect my son and to lay down boundaries (something I generally find very difficult - I can be a real pushover) but this idea that I'm being a terrible friend is eating away at me.

How best to go forward?

You are right and she is wrong.

I hope your son is ok.

I think you should tell your son what you told your neighbour. - that there is only one 'bad guy' in this scenario, and it isn't your boy.

With her I would let some time pass I think.

With your son, I would repeat that what the neighbour told him was wrong and it is not a secret that he has to keep and it is not right to expect people to keep bad things secret, ever. But I would say that since he can see it upsets the neighbour to hear it talked about, it is probably best not to tell people at school if there is no need to - if he is only telling stories or chatting. This is not the same as keeping a secret, because you know.

But that's just off the cuff, I'll keep thinking it over.

You handled it beautifully, fishfingers. Poor you. Poor your son. Poor everyone, except the perpetrator (and even he's probably completely messed up, if he's doing this at his age - yikes).

I understand your anger completely, well done for saying the exact right thing.
I would leave it with her for a while you've been a brilliant friend while she's been going through the mill but treating your son like that is not on. Repeat what you said to her to him, lots of times over if needs be, give him lots of reassurance & cuddles

Thanks everybody. This reassurance means a lot.

It's just such an awful situation for everyone. My heart breaks for my neighbour, but I will not allow my son to be somehow blamed for any fall out.

fish how awful for you and dc. neighbour asked me and my son round because she wanted to speak to us.... Did you feel any internal alarm bells go off? Was there any warning in her demeanour/body language to suggest how this was going to pan out?
Keep your distance. Give yourself time for it to become less intense. Is it doable to maybe give dc's school albeit a belated headsup over what occurred? I know its 1/2 term
Maybe in the near future you'll speak again. Chalk it up to life experience. Easier said than done at the moment. for you.

How old is your son? I'm trying to work out what is age appropriate. Apologies if I missed it.

I'm yes and no on this one.

Obviously, we shouldn't teach our children to keep bad secrets or hold victims responsibility for protecting the reputation of perpetrators

but neither of these things excuse plain ol' gossiping.

If he'd told a teacher because he was worried and needed a bit of hand-holding that'd be one thing, but telling his mates about your neighbours private business for a bit of titillation is something else entirely.

she is wrong.

Where is the perpitrator now? because tbh if he is still around then I would be inclined to take a huge step back lest you are putting yourself and your dc at risk.

You have been a fantastic friend, but it's time to look after yourself now.

Your poor son. He's done nothing wrong.

She's a victim but it doesn't give her the right to be a bully.

He's 11.

I hear you SaucyJack and that is something we discussed. I explained that if he did need to talk it was probably better to talk to a trusted adult rather than kids at school. He understands that gossiping in this case is not appropriate.

The perpetrator is staying elsewhere at the moment. It's unclear what will happen in the future although I expect him to return home at some point.

I'm already clear that if he does, my children will no longer be going round there to play. The last thing I want to do is make my neighbour feel bad, but I'm not taking any chances whatsoever with the personal safety of my kids.

Wow, you have been fab throughout. You have done nothing wrong and nor has your son. I would have behaved just as you have done. I agree that your neighbour was wrong to say what she did to your son. I would step back too. I am sorry that you are facing such difficult issues (neighbour included).

YANBU love (i know this is not AIBU :) )

when a perpetrator commits an assault, any child caught in the middle of it all is deemed by SS to be being directly abused, as they are living within an abusive environment.

Your neighbour is in the minimisation denial and blame circus, so anything to remove blame from her attacker, regardless of who that hurts is what she has to do.

You were dead right to say what you said, in fact you didn't go far enough perhaps. The DC are extremely likely to say something to their peers, and in fact they bloody well should, they need the outlet, to get rid of some of the burden they are carrying. If this information is 'out there' and heard by a teacher or any other person, THEY HAVE TO ACT UPON IT. This is the look out of the vile twat that used violence to terrify an entire household, two if you count yours.

When my DM and her vile H kicked off at my house, I had to inform the school in case DS was acting differently, and also in case SS contacted them. Because these people were 'family', it was recorded as a DV/DA incident.

She may not be talking to you atm, but she heard you alright, make sure that you talk to your DC about what happened and why it was wrong of the perpetrator and if they want to talk about it with someone, to let you know.

That poor woman in Oxford with her little girl and new partner that were all stabbed to death at the weekend, this is in no way any different to the stakes your neighbour is playing with. She needs to wake up and fast, and not allow the attacker ANY room to think that violence is acceptable.

My DS was 5 when his abusive dad left, there is of course an age appropriate way of talking about abuse and I am sure you can and will do a good job of it.

You have done nothing wrong, neither has your DS.

Your neighbour however has no right to haul you or worse, your son over to give you a bollocking.

I'd have told her to fuck right off and left.

You sound lovely, and your neighbour was very lucky you were around. You did the best you could, your son was very brave and sensible. He knows what went on is wrong and not to gossip. There's nothing more you can do, so distance yourself and take care.

I always liked the distinction between secrets and surprises for small kids - the former being not ok, the latter being ok. He's a bit old for that I think. But you could talk about thinking about the reasons for keeping things secret - bad reasons like this means it's not ok to do it.

Thanks again everyone. The flowers are lovely

My son said he saw the perpetrator today - the person he is staying with brought him around to have a day out with my neighbour and some extended family. I think the idea is to take a reconciliation slowly with a view to him coming back in time.

I feel nervous and uneasy. The families on our street are close and regularly in and out of each others houses. I think my neighbour is hoping things will soon be back to normal.

But I know as far as I'm concerned I can't go back to how things were I just can't feel comfortable and trusting around the person that did this. I'm worried it could happen again.

reconciliation? when he attacked with a weapon? with kids in the house?

SS need to be aware of this - the flaming idiot of the person this twat is staying with is endangering the neighbour and her DC.

things are not normal love, they never will be normal until she refuses to allow that twat access to her and the house/children.

Tell her that you will be there for her anytime she needs a safe place to run to, and that you will support her getting away from this guy, but that until she has done so, you will be stepping back as you won't expose yourself or your DC to potential danger/harm.

You did nothing wrong. You acted very well IMO - especially getting the child over to the fence to yours and calling the police. It's not easy to act to sensibly when faced with an unusual and serious situation.

I think you need to face your neighbour. Tell her that you'll support her as a friend but you will protect your kids first and foremost as they are your priority.
Tell her that you've told your son it's not good to talk so openly about others personal lives but that he must not, under any circumstances, be treated like he's done something wrong - he wasn't the perpetrator in this.
Also, it's probably that your son is more affected than he's let on - talking to school friends about it is no different to her talking to you, her friend about it.

It's a very fine line between gossip and needing support. My best friend is going through some stuff ATM and I asked another friend, of mine, advice about what she'd do and say. The 2 don't know each other. I felt guilty I'd been gossiping - but realistically I wanted to know how to support my friend best and if my thoughts, which are slightly against her PoV, were reasonable or not.

Here - well deserved and

She knows that none of her problems have anything to do with your DS...probably just her way of venting.

Take no notice you have been nothing but a good friend to her and children will be children.

I assumed that considering the seriousness of the incident, the police would have a duty of care to make a referral to SS?

I also assumed that the school would do so if/when she told them what was going on.

I have to say that I would contact SS too. Not sure if the other agencies would anyway. Best to be on the safe side and I am thinking of the other young DC in your neighbour's house.