A couple of weeks ago a horrible incident of DV happened next door. The perpetrator wasn't my neighbours partner, but a younger teenage male member of the family. It was serious, involved use of a weapon, and resulted in injuries to my neighbour whom I have been friends with for a few years.
I was first alerted to it by an even younger member of the family crying over the back fence that I needed to call the police. I got them to climb over the back fence and into my property so that I could keep them safe whilst I phoned the police. My children were in the house and heard me having to relay to the police what was happening. My children have never (thank goodness - there but for the grace and all that) experienced any violence in their lives and were deeply shocked and upset by what they heard, as was I.
I have tried to be a good friend to my neighbour since. I have spent time with her so that she can talk if she feels like it, I have done shopping for her so that she doesn't have to leave the house, and I have taken her extremely distressed younger child to school when she couldn't face it. She is understandably absolutely devastated by what has happened.
Recently a rumour came about that one of my children had told someone at school what had happened. Some other children that also knew began ganging up on him saying he was going to be in big trouble. He denies having said anything but I have reassured him that it is not his responsibility to shoulder the burden of keeping anything so huge a secret and that while it is probably better to talk to me rather than other children at school, he has not done anything wrong.
However the other day my neighbour asked me and my son round because she wanted to speak to us. She gave my son a lecture about how he mustn't tell anyone about what has happened as the perpetrators reputation could suffer and it all needed to be kept a secret. My son was crying. This woman has quite an intimidating way about her, although she was calm, not shouting.
My son left to go back out and play. I felt angry and upset but made to leave too as I didn't want to add to this woman's trouble. But she could see I was upset and challenged me.
I told her (I didn't shout, but my voice was sharp and I was obviously angry) that if there was any negative fall out or consequences as a result of the DV incident then that was down to the perpetrator, and not my sons fault. If the perpetrators reputation was damaged then that was down to him. I told her she was busy blaming everyone else (including herself) when the full responsibility lay with the one who committed the violence. And then I left. We haven't spoken since.
But I feel like shit. I'm still upset that she hauled me and my son in front of her like naughty school children. I feel she undermined me as a parent and I also feel that she is sending unhealthy messages about domestic abuse - that it should be kept a secret and that perpetrators must be protected (I should probably mention in this case that the perpetrator is under sixteen). But I also understand that she is going through absolute hell and cannot be expected to behave perfectly.
I don't now know what to do. My friends seem to think it was reasonable to protect my son and to lay down boundaries (something I generally find very difficult - I can be a real pushover) but this idea that I'm being a terrible friend is eating away at me.
How best to go forward?