Please help me help my wife

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I'm very worried about my wife. She's dangerously unhappy in her work place and has recently talked about wanting to kill herself. I thought I might see if anyone here can help - it's my first time here so please be gentle.

My purposes are twofold - to see how I can help her situation with coping with the pressures of her work, and to see if there is anything I can do to help in the long term, both in terms of finding a new job and helping establish a support network for her.

As a bit of background - she's an events organiser for a foreign investment bank in central London. In the past she's had normal stress levels however in the past year she's had 2 new bosses who seem to have it in for her and are making her "life hell". She's been looking for a new job for over a year now and although she has got close several times she's never quite got over the finishing line. We're also in the middle of buying our first house and it's gone quite disastrously, with us having to move into temporary accommodation this week due to a few hiccups in the process. This has obviously not helped her stress levels.

Two weeks ago she came home crying, saying that between the stresses of work and the difficulties at home she'd been "thinking of killing" herself.

Then last night she found out that she hadn't even made the pool, let alone been considered, for a job that she'd very much set her heart on. She's at breaking point and is now talking about taking leave due to stress or just leaving the job without a back up plan. I'd love to say I could support her financially but it's just not feasible.

So, I am here asking what I can do. I've talked to her about trying to set up some therapy however she seems quite reluctant. I try to talk to her and be as supportive as I can but whatever my tact it seems to anger her more; I don't mind being a punching bag but can't help but think that it's counter productive. Taking time off with stress seems like career suicide - what can we do?

And what can I do to help her get a new job? She seems to have tried everything and it's not helping. Is there anyone in Events Management that can offer a word of advise?

Thanks for your time.

If she's a motormouth then take care you don't tune her out! Re she said she wanted you with her, yet you're asking us if you should go. Let her tell you what she wants - and believe and trust her, that she knows her own mind and knows what is best for her. She may be burnt out but she hasn't become an idiot overnight - let her lead the way.

It may be you will have to learn some micro communication together and, to that end, it's essential you take her at her word. You may think I'm splitting hairs but it's precisely the male broad stroke/taking over that not only frustrates but is actually very disempowering - the last thing she needs now (or ever, frankly!) Eg I hope it was a figure of speech when you said 'you' had made an appt with the gp 'for her' - did she ask you to? Or did you take over?

I'm not having a go, just trying to flag up notorious communication misunderstandings between the sexes re she says she's feeling crap, he thinks she's asking him to sort it out - but she may not be asking him to sort it out, just needs to say she feels crap and to be heard and understood.

Though of course its hard to be cool and laid back when she has probably frightened you very much when she said in passing she wanted to kill herself - perfectly understandable for you to swing into overdrive in panic and fear.

As others are saying, do keep an eye on yourself, too - you can't both be frayed bcs of stress, and it's very easy to push ourselves too far when we are trying to alleviate the pain of a loved one.

I'm sorry that I came over in a presumptive way. I did assume from your original post that you were both still thinking that taking time off for stress was career suicide and that a new job the way forward whereas it all seemed a bit more desperate than that and I thought you should suggest her getting out at least in the short term- I see from your other replies that you have been very supportive in helping your wife and are not putting pressure on her to work - and going to the GP is a great idea and I hope it gives her some breathing space.

I would also say that event management esp in the City but also elsewhere for large institutions is an intrinsically high pressure type of a job- it's all about deadlines, events running smoothly (they never do), things going wrong, troubleshooting, lots of pressure from those involved for events to be successful. I hated working in it as these aren't my skill set and I find it too stressful when it all goes belly-up at the last minute but others thrive on this type of environment. Perhaps see how any new job goes and think about sideways moves into training/other roles if this isn't for her long-term.

springydaffs speaks a lot of sense.

Hope the doctor's appointment went well, OP.

Hi all, sorry for the tardy response, it's been a hectic few days.

The appointment with the GP went really well, she broke down straight away and it seemed to lift a weight off her shoulders being able to unburden onto someone (who wasn't me). I barely said a word, I decided to leave out the flippant mention of suicide and binned the note I'd written - I might as well have no been there but for some back rubbing, I think that that was what she wanted to be honest.

The GP was very helpful, straight away he printed off a 3 week sick note blaming some stomach issues and also printed off a guzillion pages of councillors/psychotherapists for us to get in touch with. She decided
not to take the time off for now, I think it's a big help for her to know that she can if she needs to, instead we're going to concentrate on some therapy and see how that helps.

Since the appointment she's been noticeably happier, albeit not being in work a lot.

Hopefully we can now get some counselling done knowing that if things do take a turn for the worse we have a plan b, c and d if need be. Thanks all for your great help :)

Don't underestimate the support you gave your wife simply by going to the GP with her.
Just having you there would be a great help to her.
The fact you said nothing is, IMHO, a positive too.
You didn't try to take over - you enabled her to deal with the consultation as she wanted.
Good for you.
Hope she's feeling better soon.

Great news

That's good news, OP, I'm relieved your wife is feeling more positive. You did exactly what was needed at the GP's appointment.