Please help me help my wife

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I'm very worried about my wife. She's dangerously unhappy in her work place and has recently talked about wanting to kill herself. I thought I might see if anyone here can help - it's my first time here so please be gentle.

My purposes are twofold - to see how I can help her situation with coping with the pressures of her work, and to see if there is anything I can do to help in the long term, both in terms of finding a new job and helping establish a support network for her.

As a bit of background - she's an events organiser for a foreign investment bank in central London. In the past she's had normal stress levels however in the past year she's had 2 new bosses who seem to have it in for her and are making her "life hell". She's been looking for a new job for over a year now and although she has got close several times she's never quite got over the finishing line. We're also in the middle of buying our first house and it's gone quite disastrously, with us having to move into temporary accommodation this week due to a few hiccups in the process. This has obviously not helped her stress levels.

Two weeks ago she came home crying, saying that between the stresses of work and the difficulties at home she'd been "thinking of killing" herself.

Then last night she found out that she hadn't even made the pool, let alone been considered, for a job that she'd very much set her heart on. She's at breaking point and is now talking about taking leave due to stress or just leaving the job without a back up plan. I'd love to say I could support her financially but it's just not feasible.

So, I am here asking what I can do. I've talked to her about trying to set up some therapy however she seems quite reluctant. I try to talk to her and be as supportive as I can but whatever my tact it seems to anger her more; I don't mind being a punching bag but can't help but think that it's counter productive. Taking time off with stress seems like career suicide - what can we do?

And what can I do to help her get a new job? She seems to have tried everything and it's not helping. Is there anyone in Events Management that can offer a word of advise?

Thanks for your time.

Ok, so, on the back of some great advise here I just spoke to her again and suggested that we go and see her GP - she suffers from gastritis anyway so I suggested that she explain to the GP that she is suffering from stress at work and that as a result her gastritis is becoming severe. Hopefully this will allow her to be signed off with a physical ailment while not impeding her career but giving her the much needed time away from the job to reflect and compose so that she can really give the interviews her all.

Fingers crossed, thanks all :)

Sorry but if she is mentioning suicide then she is in crisis and all problem solving strategies are secondary to that.

Whether time off for stress can restrict your career is irrelevant to discuss. Do you know what really restricts your career? Being dead.

Suicidal threats are a medical emergency. That comes above everything.

I just cross posted with you OP.

Wingedharpy hands down speaks the most sense

How long has she been in the job and what does her annual performance reviews say?

If she has been consistently hitting her KPI's then get her to print off her appraisals etc for the future. If she has had a really good recent event get her to get some quotes from SLT attendees.

Then get her to her GP/OOH etc and get her signed off work for a bit, a good member of staff off work with a sick note isn't career suicide but can be an indicator that things are wrong in that team or get her signed off with "back pain". if she is signed off for longer than a couple of weeks the company will do a return to work assessment and an investment bank will be used to dealing with stressed collegues and will have a programme/private practise to help with coping strategies. Look at her employee benefits/private healthcare.

If she really consider sick leave then take a holiday but tap into her healthcare scheme and get a check at the GP's.

She isn't doing herself any favours at the moment and in this stressed state she won't be performing her job to her best nor putting her best into the recruitment process.

4th paragraph I meant. "If she won't consider sick leave".

Nothing to add to the very good advice that she needs a MH assessment urgently.

However I think this thread contains a lot of sensitive personal info and the OP's wife could be identified from the information given. I think it should be deleted.

Any sort of suicidal ideation is very serious indeed, if she has reached that point work is, frankly, irrelevant. Your wife needs to get well, first and foremost, without that there is nothing.

I have been there, I have been signed off work and I can tell you, it is possible to come back from it and to perform even better at work. When she is better is when she can look for a new job.

If she is in crisis, and talk of suicide strongly indicates that she is, she will not be making rational decisions and it is absolutely essential you take her to the GP for an assessment. Good luck I hope she gets the help she needs.

nicecomfymat - I think the only personal info I gave was the job role/industry, there are 100's of investment banks in the centre of London, I'm pretty sure that there's nothing else there, but thanks for the concern.

Allways; very good advise there, I will bring it up with her this afternoon.

Thanks

Dear Op, you are doing an amazing job in supporting your wife. Make sure you take care of yourself. Living with a person with anxiety/depression/ MH issues can be draining.

... esp if you think its your job to sort everything out as men are wont to do

Stand by her, show you have (quiet) faith in her. She may find suggestions of possible solutions very irritating and draining (and patronising); she may just want to be heard.

OP you've had some very good advice already. I am a mental health clinician working in London. Believe me, workplace stress is VERY common and as another poster suggested, will not be unfamiliar to dw's employers.
An appointment with her GP is a must - she can negotiate with the GP what reason is given for her sickness absence and an anti-depressant will certainly be recommended. This will obviously not 'cure' her symptoms as they can't remove the underlying cause of stress. However they can help lift her mood to then be able to cope better and deal with the issues at work. If workplace stress is identified on the sick note, her employer will have a duty to complete a workplace stress risk assessment on her return to work, which will help identify the source of stress at work and ways of dealing with this. This obviously can be positive. However it's very much a decision for your wife and her GP to make re reason for sickness absence.

If she needs longer off work, her employer may refer her for an Occupational Health assessment, where recommendations regarding return to work support can be made. Either way, it is not the end of her career.

You will have a local mental health crisis service in your area, that the GP may refer your wife to; to assess her mental health needs. This will depend on the GP's assessment of risk and their confidence in managing her symptoms. However always remember that at any time you can take dw to A&E should concerns escalate with regards to your/ her ability to keep herself safe. She can be assessed by the mental health crisis team there. Fleeting suicidal thoughts are actually not that uncommon but if your wife discloses actual plans to harm herself, you must seek immediate help.

Additionally, she can also access CBT counselling via her GP - known as IAPT services (Improved Access to Psycological Therapies).

Best of luck to both yourself and dw, both in her job search and her recovery. She will get better.
Do take care of yourself too, being a spouse and carer is not an easy job.

If the delay in your move means you can back out of the purchase, maybe you should consider doing so. Buying a house dependent on her income locks you both into this high stress situation.

Career suicide is not a thing. People do leave jobs, change jobs and reinvent themselves in new careers. Being not a sressed out wreck contributes a lot to being able to see new directions though.

Hello one and all, a quick update for you. She wasn't happy at all last night but seemed a lot better once she'd got it all out of her system. Today's first interview went well so there is hope there.

I've booked her in to see a GP this afternoon however she's very nervous - she doesn't trust GP's and finds them quite compassionless and doesn't know what she wants to say to them. Would I be able to go in with her? Would that even be a good idea? I told her that she should just speak her mind and explain the situation, how she feels, and let them give a diagnosis but I know that she'll leave out that comment about killing herself... Should I go in with her? Leave her to go in on her own and then talk to the GP after? Or just butt out at this stage and wait in the waiting room?

Hi OP. I think that it's up to her if you go in with her. Either way, perhaps jot a few things down on paper. Worse case scenario she can hand it over.

Ask your wife if she wants you there, it'll be entirely up to her.

Some GPs have little patience for mental health but fortunately that is changing. The ones I've seen for depression and anxiety have been lovely. If she is unlucky and sees someone she doesn't feel has listened to her she is within her rights to ask to see someone else.

Also, I know how difficult it can be to articulate emotional distress, so if she is worried about that she can write it down. She certainly wouldn't be the first person to walk into a GP's office and hand them a piece of paper (done it myself )

Ok thanks. It was her idea for me to go in with her. I just don't know if that would help matters at all, I think that once she's in full flow I might even be in the way as I'm sure she'll want to talk about me as well. I'll also write a note that I can hand over to the GP if need be. Cheers

I wouldn't write a note to the GP yourself, OP. This is your wife's illness, and I know you want to help her but writing your own note smacks of taking control away from her.

That's my feeling anyway. I think if I were in her situation and my DH handed my GP a letter that he'd written on my behalf I'd feel a bit disempowered. Speak to your wife about it though, she may be happy with it, presumably as long as she gets to read it first?

If she wants you to go with her, it's absolutely fine to go together. I think it would good for you to be there as you can help her out if she gets nervous and clams up, and mention things that she's forgotten.

Good luck.

Go in with her and express your concerns to the GP. She may well gloss over them and pretend all is fine. It is hard for a person to admit that things don't feel right. In the mean time, is there anything you can do to abate the stresses at home?

Has your wife made specific plans to kill herself and discussed them with you ? If so you shoudl tell this to the GP

As a PP said, it's less worrying if she says something like " I don't know how long I can go on like this " .

S&T - she just said it as a one off, off the cuff remark, I don't think she'd put a lot of thought into it, but it was very startling at the time as I didn't realise she was quite so warn out.

Dolly - yeah she's been trying all sorts, hopefully if she gets some time off she can properly think about how to best apply her skillset.

Off to the GP now, have the letter with me but will only pass it over as a last resort. Hopefully she can motormouth it like she normally does!

All the best to you both, you sound like a loving couple and she's lucky to have you.