Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Had enough

41 replies

hypermum1 · 26/05/2015 12:36

Hi All. this is a long one, sorry. I will try to cut it down as much as I can. My OH and i have been together 23 years, married for 7 and have 3 children 10, 12 and 2. Basically I have had enough. I do absolutely everything to do with the kids and the house and managing money etc and he does NOTHING. I am stressed up to the eyeballs, feeling very anxious and low and not sure how much longer I can cope. This has been doing on for years and the resentment has built up in me to the point where i cant bear him touching me now so sex life is awful. he keeps trying to initiate sex and it just makes me want to punch him. Over the years I hve tried talking to hiim, crying, shouting everything you can think of but he just wont listen to me or even entertain any of my concerns. Things are really bad and I just cant see a away around it. I used to adore this man and put him up on a pedestal, hence letting him get away with doing nothing for so long. Now he is just used to it and cant/wont change. He had a really bad head injury a few years ago and i wonder if this has added to things. He cant even put my little girl in the car seat correctly as doesnt bother to tighten the straps and just tells me im being silly when I tell him if we crassh the seat will be no good if straps are nt fitted. I feel like he cant even look after himself let alone me/us. I just dont know where to turn or what to do but I can keep carrying the burden of 3 kids and a house to run by myself. Help

OP posts:

MarchLikeAnAnt · 26/05/2015 13:05

I'm sorry your having such a miserable time. Was your DH like this before the head injury? Has he attended head injury rehabilitation at all?

Original poster

hypermum1 · 26/05/2015 13:18

He has always been lazy at home but has definintely got worse. But then he runs his own business so am I just making excuses for him? His parents were of the men work, women keep house school of thought but he takes this to the extreme, i.e., he works, I do absolutely everything else you can think of. I feel dreadful today. i just cant cope with it all anymore. And yes after his injury he did attend rehabillitation.

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 26/05/2015 13:28

Do you love him? Do you want to stay married?

Can you afford a cleaner? Nursery?

Original poster

hypermum1 · 26/05/2015 13:37

I only work 2 days a week (with him) and my lo goes to a childminder those days but no couldnt afford cleaner and would hate to have one too! Im a bit OCD and a control freak. Which isnt helping! I dont know if I love him tbh. I know I would certainly cope with out him as I feel he is offering me nothing currently (other than financial). hes not a horrible person or anything but is very selfish (without realising or accepting he is). I would not want to put the children through seperating but i feel I am being pushed in this direction but his unwillingness/totally inability to see my point. He would cut off his nose despite his face and I think he would let our relationship end rather than take on some of the reponsibility. But at this rate I am going to end up getting sectioned or totally crumbling.....

OP posts:

MarchLikeAnAnt · 26/05/2015 13:41

Have you tried giving him a specific task to do each day? Or a simple timetable of tasks with clear instructions? A lot of brain injured people struggle with organization, memory etc. Don't hope that he will do something or imply to him to do something as he may have trouble inferring the information.

Quitelikely · 26/05/2015 13:42

He acts this way because you allow it.

Hand him a list of daily tasks you would like him to carry out.

Be frank and tell him your marriage is at risk of collapsing unless he starts to pull his weight as a parent and husband.

His response from that moment on will tell you all you need to k ow about your husband.

MarchLikeAnAnt · 26/05/2015 13:47

He may not actually be able to see your point of veiw.
Have you got any support? Carers groups etc?
Divorce is very common in relationships where one partner has suffered a brain injury, its a difficult condition to deal with. If you don't feel you can cope then its probably best to leave.

Jan45 · 26/05/2015 13:47

You might as well be a single parent then, as above, he either gets involved in the marriage and being a parent or split, simple as that, you are completely justified btw.

Vivacia · 26/05/2015 13:51

Have you written about this recently?

Vivacia · 26/05/2015 13:55

He acts this way because you allow it.

I would agree with this if she hadn't let him know how much she was struggling, but she has told him. Crying, shouting... how many different ways can she tell him?

Adults in a normal, healthy relationship shouldn't have to write task lists for each other when it comes to the normal parts of being a parent.

Original poster

hypermum1 · 26/05/2015 13:58

Quitelikely i know he acts like this because I have allowed it. All of our lives together. But I cannot take full resonsibility and it is not that black and white. He is a man, an adult with repsonsibilities at the end of the day.I have given him specific jobs but he either moans at me for nagging him or he just doesnt bother doing them. So I have given up trying. I cant even be bothered anymore. Trust me ifeel lie ive done everything I can.

OP posts:

MarchLikeAnAnt · 26/05/2015 13:59

That's harsh Vivacia and quite dissableist against brain injured people. Lots of brain injured people need tasks written down and timetables etc it doesn't mean the relationship is not healthy.

MarchLikeAnAnt · 26/05/2015 14:02

(I'm cooking from the view point that the brain injury is the main issue. If he was like this before then I shall shut up and toddle away)

MarchLikeAnAnt · 26/05/2015 14:02

Coming*

Rebecca2014 · 26/05/2015 14:02

There is a big gap between your first two and your third. Did the problems start when your youngest was born?

Vivacia · 26/05/2015 14:23

There could be a brain injury, in which case yes it would be reasonable and healthy for the two partners to agree to write down some instructions. But before you label me as being prejudiced, this bit doesn't sound very convincing though, does it March

I think he would let our relationship end rather than take on some of the reponsibility.

Quitelikely · 26/05/2015 14:25

Yes she allows it because she could separate from him and that would end the whole farce. Or wake him up!

Original poster

hypermum1 · 26/05/2015 14:27

Rebecca2014 no. They started along time ago when my first was born. He was rubbish then. Then when I got pg with my 2nd he didnt speak to me for 3 days when i told him! But things got better, then we had an awful few years with me losing my mum and him getting his head injury (someone stamped on his head and he was very nearly killed). Then he was recovering and time just passed and I was dealing with all that and his recovery, as was he. He has made a brilliant recovery and doesnt seem to hhave any long lasting effects. Then the boys were older and not so much hard work and i was coping with doing it all. then my lo came along and i was worried when i was pg i would nt cope and said to him i was going to need him to do more. He promised he would but that hasnt happened. I had nt even considered the head injury as a factor in all this until someone mentioned it. Im just so shocked really at his unwillingness to hear what i am saying. I dont feel llike a partnership. I

OP posts:

Original poster

hypermum1 · 26/05/2015 14:29

And Quitelikely, yes i could seperate from him but i have 3 children, no source of income and no support locally so tell me, what the hell do I do?! Plus I dont want to separate I want him to change but that s looking unilkely. I saw from one of your other posts, you dont have children do you, so its easy to say, leave him, separate but in practical terms its not that black and white. If you get down to brass tacks, that it. Put up or leave but like i say, its not that easy.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 26/05/2015 14:33

Yes she allows it because she could separate from him and that would end the whole farce.

Well yes, but women who are raped or beaten or whatever could "just end the whole farce". It's a bit victim-blamey isn't it? OP is probably lacking the kind of support systems we need in order to think clearly about separating.

Vivacia · 26/05/2015 14:33

Ah, cross-post with hyper at 14:29.

Original poster

hypermum1 · 26/05/2015 14:37

Plus theres history. 23 years is a long long time to just walk out on someone. He was my best friend at one point...

OP posts:

Vivacia · 26/05/2015 14:41

Would you choose him for you life partner now though?

Are you familiar with the sunk cost fallacy?

Original poster

hypermum1 · 26/05/2015 14:50

Hi. Taking a snap shot of how things are right now.....no. And no im not. Whats that?

OP posts:

Original poster

hypermum1 · 26/05/2015 14:52

Ok just read up on it......yes agree!

OP posts:

Flip

1 2