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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Had enough

41 replies

hypermum1 · 26/05/2015 12:36

Hi All. this is a long one, sorry. I will try to cut it down as much as I can. My OH and i have been together 23 years, married for 7 and have 3 children 10, 12 and 2. Basically I have had enough. I do absolutely everything to do with the kids and the house and managing money etc and he does NOTHING. I am stressed up to the eyeballs, feeling very anxious and low and not sure how much longer I can cope. This has been doing on for years and the resentment has built up in me to the point where i cant bear him touching me now so sex life is awful. he keeps trying to initiate sex and it just makes me want to punch him. Over the years I hve tried talking to hiim, crying, shouting everything you can think of but he just wont listen to me or even entertain any of my concerns. Things are really bad and I just cant see a away around it. I used to adore this man and put him up on a pedestal, hence letting him get away with doing nothing for so long. Now he is just used to it and cant/wont change. He had a really bad head injury a few years ago and i wonder if this has added to things. He cant even put my little girl in the car seat correctly as doesnt bother to tighten the straps and just tells me im being silly when I tell him if we crassh the seat will be no good if straps are nt fitted. I feel like he cant even look after himself let alone me/us. I just dont know where to turn or what to do but I can keep carrying the burden of 3 kids and a house to run by myself. Help

OP posts:

Vivacia · 26/05/2015 14:56

Costs are your outgoings, the things you spend. E.g. time and emotion.

Sunk costs are the things you've already spent and no matter what you do you can't get them back.

Humans find it very difficult to not take sunk costs in to consideration. However it makes no sense to consider them as part of your future decision making. They should be irrelevant, but most humans struggle with this.

The worst decisions are when you decide to spend even more for no other reason that you've already spent.

Vivacia · 26/05/2015 14:59

Another cross-post!

So, when deciding whether to buy a new car, you shouldn't think "But I spent £800 getting it through the MOT!" you should forget that and think, "It'll cost £1000 to keep it on the road this year, I'd be better off buying a new car for £700". The £800 on the MOT should be irrelevant.

When deciding whether to be in a relationship you should think, "How do I feel right now? What would another year be like with this man? Would I be happier being single?".

MarchLikeAnAnt · 26/05/2015 18:48

I don't think you are prejudiced Vivacia but I do think you are uneducated about the affects of brain injury. Him seeming passive about the relationship, lacking empathy, sexual behaviour and his fixation with how things are done are all very very common behaviors in brain injured people.
Were his frontal lobes damaged op? I'm guessing they were. I hate to break it to you but he will have long lasting affects, you can't recover fully from a brain injury.

Anyway, I wish you all the best. You need to do what makes you happy.

pocketsaviour · 26/05/2015 19:07

OP, do you think he would agree to see a counsellor? If you were to put it to him as "If we don't see a counsellor I think we need to separate"?

Original poster

hypermum1 · 26/05/2015 19:28

HI MarchLikeAnAnt, it was temperal lobe damage. He would never see a counsellor. I know he would rather see the marriage go before he would see a counsellor of any kind. its hard because i guess if I knew that the head injury played a part in it maybe I could be more understanding but at the moment I just feel like he is being selfish and stubborn. We just can t seem to get close to one another what with work and the children and the house etc.

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 26/05/2015 19:31

Well then he's really told you how things are, hasn't he?

Basically, put up and shut up, or leave.

You cannot make him change. You can only change yourself and your responses.

Lovemylittlebear · 26/05/2015 19:35

It could be brain injury also adding to it all - I agree with marchlikeanant. Maybe you could speak with a specialist to see what kind of damage could have been caused and then decide how you feel about his behaviour now and what could possibly be injury effects versus difficult personality traits that were there before. Sorry you are having a tough time xxx

Original poster

hypermum1 · 26/05/2015 19:40

Thanks Lovemylittlebear. Thats my next course of action. going to talk to a brain injury charity tomorrow, see what they say. Also going to the doctors for me. I cant go on like this.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 26/05/2015 19:51

What if OP finds out it's to do with the brain injury? Then what?

Vivacia · 26/05/2015 19:53

I don't think you are prejudiced Vivacia but I do think you are uneducated about the affects of brain injury.

I would define "disabilist" as "prejudiced against disabled people" but I'm happy to be corrected. I would agree with you that I'm very ignorant when it comes to the effects of brain injuries.

Original poster

hypermum1 · 26/05/2015 20:04

If i find out it is then I can at least have a better understanding of just why he is so stubborn over certain things which are causing us issues. Which may just make the resentment less as Id know he wasnt just being a total arse. Who knows.

OP posts:

MarchLikeAnAnt · 26/05/2015 20:15

If its due to brain injury (which tbh, its sounds like it is) then at least she knows he isn't being an area on purpose. They could both get help to implement strategies for dealing with the problem behaviors. Was the rehab just for the physical effects or did it deal with coping strategies too op?
If she still wants to leave then that is also fine.

MarchLikeAnAnt · 26/05/2015 20:16

Sometimes people make prejudice remarks due to ignorance Vivacia

Vivacia · 26/05/2015 20:25

I think it will help you understand the situation hyper and bring you some clarity. But you'll still be in an unhappy relationship with someone who refuses to address the cause of your unhappiness.

March I'd go one further and say that I think all prejudiced remarks are due to ignorance.

Balders74 · 26/05/2015 20:31

This sounds like my ex, except he didn't work either! I put up with it for 15 years & enabled his laziness but I am 5 months out of it now & it is so much better. I still have to do everything but now it is without the overwhelming resentment.

The amazing bit was that he was totally shocked when I told him I'd had enough & wanted to split. I think he thought that I would just put up with it like his Mum has.

Interestingly he also suffered a head injury about 20 years ago, before we got together, in a car accident. It may have contributed to his fuckwittedness but he was brought up in a very traditional family, although the working to support his family bit didn't rub off.

Original poster

hypermum1 · 26/05/2015 20:39

Balders74 well done on making the decision and sticking to your guns and I am glad it s worked out for you. I dont think id mind doing everything if it was just for me and the kids but we are meant to be an equal partnnership. It doesnt feel very equal. Thanks everyone for listening and commenting. There is no easy solution here.

OP posts:

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