Horrendous blast from the past

[QueenWitch]

Please be gentle with me, as I am reeling atm. I have namechanged but you may recognise me as a regular poster on here. So sorry for the epic post but I need to brain dump.

Background: When I was in my teens I was very vulnerable. My parents were going through a horrendous divorce and I was in a relationship with someone that I now recognise as abusive. My best friend at the time met and started going out with a man who I had a bit of a crush on tbh at first as he was good looking, charismatic and seemed lovely. To cut a long story short he then started to reveal himself as (in hindsight) a total fucking psycho. He used to boast about killing animals and was into some very dark fucked up stuff that I won't go into even though it's relevant as I just cant even go there in my head.

In short we were all terrified of him and he manipulated all of us as a result. He then got my friend pregnant and they got married. She was only 18 at the time and I was 17. As my relationship nose dived he came with her to 'rescue me' and take me to their house (I lived 70 odd miles away) and while I was there singled me out and one night told me that I was his and we were going to be together. She was almost about to give birth at this point. I didn't know what to do. I loved her very much but had no idea how to get out of the situation I was in and couldn't see any way out. He was an absolute evil bastard to her and when she gave birth he was vile. I ended up going home after about a week and what followed was the worst year of my life. He fucked my head up so much and all the time I felt completely trapped and horrendously guilty as I loved my friend and he put her (and me) through so much.

At one point he came with an equally fucked up friend of his to stay with me for several months in my tiny flat. He also invited another bloke who was in the group to live there as well, so I had three men living in my flat that I didnt want there. It was sheer hell. While they were there he used to verbally and emotionally abuse me and hurt my kittens. One of the worst times he filled a party popper with pepper and fired it in their faces. I tried to protect them and he absolutely ripped me to pieces in front of his friends and none of them tried to stop him or stood up for me. They eventually left and my cats never really recovered and were extremely timid and terrified of men for years after. Bastard.

After a year of this hell he (thankfully) dumped me in the most humiliating way he could and I was finally free. I moved into a new flat and tried to get on with my life. When I had been there for a few months he somehow found me and threatened me to never tell his wife. I ended up going back out with my ex boyfriend (who had found himself on the receiving end of the psycho) and found out that he had cheated on his wife with several other women. I was a nervous wreck for a long time and ended up in an abusive marriage which I escaped from 9 years ago.

About 5 years ago I had a message on FB from his wife, my friend who informed me that they were still together, were very happy and had two more kids together. To say I was upset for her was an understatement. I sent a reply back saying that I hoped he no longer abused her and that I wished her and her kids all the best with life. I didn't tell her what had happened as I couldn't bear the thought of hurting her and I just hoped that he really had changed.

Fast forward to yesterday when I received an email through my business website. From the psycho. With the names of all the people who were involved in the whole thing and the message "You should address all the people you fucked over in your previous life before you start healing strangers". (I am a therapist.)

I have been through a whole range of emotions. Most of all I am fucking raging. How DARE he think that he can still mess with me. It was over 20 years ago and I am not the scared 17 year old any more. I know the right thing to do is to ignore him and move on but I so want to send her a screenshot of the message, or do something to show him I'm not a fucking victim any more. But I still care about her and still feel horrendously guilty about what happened and realise that he is still an evil bastard and is almost certainly still evil to her as well.

So there you go. My head fuck. WTAF should I do? Please help me.

Allow yourself a short amount of time to reel from the shock. Comfort yourself in ways that are nurturing. Allow yourself time to.recover from the shock and then move on.

Under no circumstances respond to this man. In any way. Do not contact your ex friend. The psycho is expecting a response. Do not take the bait.

Print off the message. Seal it in an envelope and give it to a trusted friend to look after.

Can you block him? He sounds unhinged. If he contacts you again call the police and cite harassment they do take it seriously

Hey there my lovely

Indifference is the best response. No response IS a response.
You know that. You having nothing to prove.

But you do need to type out a timeline of the abuse with dates and file it somewhere. Add this email to that file. Make sure he is blocked from your account or any future emails are dumped into this folder. See if you can make them come up his side as unread (even if you do read them). Make sure your account is secure and block the app that allows him to see if you read his emails or not and when. Keep all communications for any future police action but do not reply. Ever. If not in regular contact defriend or block your ex friend, sorry, it's for the best.
She does not need to know why and she will already have the measure of this wanker.
Stay safe. Stay healthy. No mind fuck...some therapists are amazing because of their empathy/life experiences.

Good luck

print or screen shot the message then delete and do the same with any other messages. he clearly wants to get back into your life. You don't have to let him.

Do not respond. Not even to tell him how little you care. Or not even to tell his wife - you owe her nothing. block him or divert his emails to another account and just ignore.

Also read Gavin De Beck's The Gift of Fear. Responding in any way is the worst thing you can do for these fuckers. Ignoring is the only way to go.

Do not reply. Stop contact with friend. That is past now.

Thank you so much for the kind replies. I think the only way he could have found me was by reading the message on FB that she sent to me. I have blocked her, him and all their kids. I have got the Gavin de Becker book and you are absolutely right.

He is unhinged. There were so many things that happened, what I wrote was just a tiny snapshot.

Thank you so much for the kind replies. I think the only way he could have found me was by reading the message on FB that she sent to me. I have blocked her, him and all their kids. I have got the Gavin de Becker book and you are absolutely right.

He is unhinged. There were so many things that happened, what I wrote was just a tiny snapshot.

He has read the message and, like a lot of abusers is now angry that you recognise him for what he is.
Keep a record of this somewhere safe, block him and stay strong.

Print or screenshot, yes.
Don't respond to the messages, but I don't think you should delete them either. Just in case.

Stay strong. You have done really well.

Are you a psychotherapist? Talk it through with your supervisor. I'm sorry it's come as a shock and hope you have been able to work through some of what happened to you.
ignore if you're an equine or beauty therapist!

I'm another one who agrees that not responding is the most powerful thing in the world.

as others have said, take proof and write down what happended

then ignore, and agree if he does anything you should contact the police- and continue to ignore him

I also agree to cut ties with the friend, please. you need to look after yourself

keep healing X

Reading through your initial message, I'm struck by the way you describe things happening to you, rather than you making choices. It is almost like you were reverting to a disempowered and child-like person as you wrote.

I think this could be the start of some more empowered decision-making in your life, which also involves recognising the capacity and indeed the right of others to make decisions. So someone you knew a very long time ago has decided to stay with this man, who also comes from your deep past? That's her decision. There is no need for you to do anything about it, or to get involved. Indeed, to do so would be to invite an enormous amount of unnecessary and pointless drama into your life.

The lack of response is not fear or acquiescence. Choosing not to respond is the first step towards a more responsible and adult relationship to these people and to the past that they represent, and hopefully a view where you can take responsibility for your part in events, while also acknowledging the abusive and awful behaviour of this man as well.

Someone who blows pepper in the faces of kittens thinks he is qualified to tell you how to live your life? I don't THINK so!

Do not enter into any communications with anyone from this period. You are just unintentionally giving abusers oxygen.

I do think that although you felt upset for your friend when she sent you that message, that you should not have replied. In particular you should not have made reference to him being abusive. She said she's happy with him and therefore there was a decent chance your message would be communicated to him. He's a rabid animal, don't poke him! Keep well away and don't reply to anything from any of them.

Unless you are the police and are going to prosecute him for something, there is no justice that you can dish out and no impact you can have on his behaviour.

Shovetheholly, she was a 17 year old being abused by a sadist. She has nothing to "take responsibility" for in this. Your post (I hope unintentionally) seems to imply that she was in part to blame. She wasn't. Just felt it was important to say this.
OP, so sorry you went through this. I agree with PPs that you should keep evidence of this contact he has made, but otherwise ignore him. Sadly it is unlikely that you can help your friend at this point, and retaining contact with her would put you at risk of further abusive contact from him. And I would consider, if I were you, whether now would be an appropriate time to revisit in therapy the abuse you suffered as a young person - you may well have worked on this before, but it may be that this contact from him is bringing new responses and issues to light. But of course, that's a very personal decision. Good luck.

I agree with discusfish and had just logged on to say the same thing. You were very, very young and you were being abused. You don't have to "take responsibility". It sounds a dreadful, terrifying ordeal that many people much older than you were would struggle with.

Please just ignore his message. Take screen shots and then have nothing to do with either your old friend or this monster. It just occurred to me that he may use your friend to try to get at you. Lure you out, so to speak. Please ignore any contact from them, for your own safety and sanity. Sounds like you did well getting away from him all those years ago.

Reading through your initial message, I'm struck by the way you describe things happening to you, rather than you making choices. It is almost like you were reverting to a disempowered and child-like person as you wrote.

If she was 17 when most of this stuff happened, she had a very good excuse for being a child-like person. The laws in the US (where I am) and the UK say that a 17-year-old IS a child.

ignore and block

if he tries any other ways to intimidate you, call the police

he has no right to do this and recently the law has changed reflecting this

you have done nothing wrong x

As others have said take a screenshot and then delete. He will feel in control if you send any message back, show him he has no effect on your life now and delete his message. If he continues then contact the police straight away.
Keep strong OP

Thank you so much for the support. I have deleted the email and screenshotted it before I did. The worst thing is that if he found my business website he now also knows my phone number and my address. I spoke to my mum earlier who is now worried as she knows what an evil bastard he is and she doesn't think he will stop now he has found me. I had a weird phone call earlier that absolutely scared the shit out of me but what turned out to be a wrong number. I am a bit worried about my kids and my happy life. I don't think he would ever have the balls to do anything to me physically but he used to be able to cause harm without having to. If anyone understands what I mean when I say that... I can't say any more on here for many reasons.

I am pissed off with myself that I am even giving him any headspace, but this was such a defining period of my life. I hate that I wasn't able to stand up to him and that there is nothing I can do now. Will the police really be interested if there is no obvious threats or anything? I will ring them if he contacts me again.

To ShovetheHolly, I did feel that stuff was happening to me at the time rather than having a choice in the matter and I did feel extremely disempowered. I felt absolutely that I had to go along with things as I didn't have the resources to stand up to him and it bothers me even now. I am not like that any more, I am so much stronger and I am happier than I have ever been. I am determined not to let him in again.

I just wish I'd never met him.

I guess you should as for advice from your professional body. Both legal and for mentorship.
You need support and know what your rights are.

You could call 101 and ask the advice of the police if you think it is likely he will find you (also if you have anything that he did to you or that you know of that was illegal, you can have that recorded).
That way if he makes any further approach the police are already up to speed, if you need them.

Sorry you went through such a tough time OP.

Though I agree with other posters that you should not respond to him in any way, and that keeping this email as a record of his aggression is a good idea, I think it's also worth letting go of the idea that he is some kind of all-powerful supervillain.

He's a wanker. A deeply inadequate individual (who will, by now, have lost his good looks and probably most of his charisma, probably hasn't done that well in his choice of career and doesn't matter in the least.) If he hadn't failed in life he wouldn't be trying to make himself more interesting by trying to revive what he percieves as an old feud. If he does make any further attempts at contact, by all means involve the police: he can be kept at bay like the sad loser that he is.
Good luck.

I agree with SolidGoldBrass, if you did encounter him you'd probably find him laughable and weak and irrelevant. But that doesn't mean you should engage with him in any way.

If you do not engage at all - under no circumstances (including if he finds your number and starts leaving messages, change your number but leave the old one so he is leaving messages into a void -just have someone check on them every now and then), his oxygen will be cut off.

Awful to think how many people he has tried to damage over the years though - because if his first response to hearing about you again is to start trying to fuck with you, it surely is something he has been doing continuously for years - all the years when you were building a life and a career and a family.