How do i tell H I am leaving and what do I do about a place to live??

[Nothavingfunrightnow]

I have posted before about my situation: here and here

I have decided I am definitely ending the marriage. I don't know how to broach the subject. We are in rented accommodation so i will need to find another place to stay but I will need to get housing benefits and it is SO hard to get private rentals on benefits.

There is also the age old problem of telling our DS.

How have others done this? How can I tell H the marriage is over? How do I find another place to stay?

I have seen a solicitor and we have talked about the process and what I can and should be, but when it comes to the actual telling H what is up, I am stumped.

I would really appreciate any advice.

Do you have a guarantor for the rent snd the usual deposit/advance rent?

I have someone who can lend me the deposit but i cannot ask her to sign as a guarantor.

I would hate to have to ask anyone to guarantee my rental but it may come to that.

I am sure you have been told his before but if you are expecting to have the significant custody of your child then don't leave if it unfair on your child. You will need to get your H to leave.

Can your arrange for your child to be out for the day? Stay at friends or a sleepover or wait until after the has gone to bed. Sit down wi your husband and say after our recent conversation this should not be a surprise our marriage is over and I would like you to move out. Where do you think could would like to move to?

As with your son it would be best if all three of you sit down and tell him that you both love him very much but although you both like each other (you may need to tell white lie at this point) you don't love each other anymore and are not going to live together. Things will be a bit different but he will still see both of you and you both love him and this is not anybody's fault especially his (son).

I have been thinking of asking the landlord if I could stay on in the house. I could not afford the rent by myself, but I get along v well with the landlord and have considered telling him all and asking for a reduction in rental. That's cheeky, I know but we have been here for over 4 years and are good tenants. Do you think that asking that would be taking the piss?

As for getting H to leave, that might be hard, but I reckon that would be the best. At least it will not be unsettling for our boy. He adores his dad and will be heart broken - but with H having threatened 10 or more times to leave us, I doubt DS will be that shocked after all.

I am so glad to have MN around. Thanks for the support and advice.

Why should the husband leave? What if the rented accommodation isn't in her name?

Well a deposit is a start

By staying in your old home any excess top up due to too many bedrooms will be your responsibility

We are equal tenants in the rental agreement. It would make more sense for him to go as DS would be based with me.

Because it's more stable for her ds to stay in his home.

Also, when H goes into a rage as he sometimes does, DS gets scared and lands up cowering in a corner or in his room (H has never physically hurt either of us). When things are shit DS comes to me for comfort and reassurance, when things are jogging along nicely, DS is closer to H. DS is 9.

As nice as that would be soontobesix someone has to pay for it!

And clearly if the husband moved out the OP couldn't afford to pay the rent, why not look for a cheaper place?

I'd not ask for a reduction in rent. Can you not meet the rent with benefits? Does your partner know you are unhappy? Are you scared of him? What about telling him in a public place?

I might be able to pay rent with benefits.

Yes, my H knows I am unhappy and it is clear that he is, too. We had a huge discussion / blow up two weeks ago but nothing has been mentioned since. We usually kiss goodbye in the morning and usually hug once or twice a day. There has been no physical contact whatsoever since the blow up.

I am not scared of him hurting me, but I am scared of him blowing up and ranting and raving as he sometimes does. I think a public place would be unfair on him, though.

I reckon getting DS out on a sleepover one night may be the best idea.

How about getting a job to pay the rent?
You know, that's how things used to work in the olden days.

I would not ask for a rent reduction. You are best off looking for somewhere cheaper to rent.

I wouldnt involve the landlord. You dont need him deciding to give you notice because he suspects you both will move out or is worried you will stay and have even more money problems than your request for reduced rent implies.

Hereandtheres: fuck off with your presumption that I don't work. Just fuck right off.

OP, can I just offer you an alternative scenario to:

'when things are jogging along nicely, DS is closer to H. DS is 9.'

If your H is an abusive bully who causes your 9 year old to cower in a corner, then no, I assure you he does not feel closer to him. What he does - when your H is not in a mood and it is therefore safe to do so - is go into placate mode. Loves him, responds to him, shows enjoyment of his company - in order to make himself safe, to delay the next outburst, to stay on side. Because he is afraid of him and cannot trust him.

Heartbreaking, and utterly common in abused children. I'm very glad to hear of your decision to split, and your DS will be a changed child.

My suggestion: could you approach your landlord with the situation and ask them to consider you as a benefits tenant? You could offer part of the deposit you have available to loan as an extra security. If you've been there 4 years and they know the situation, they would I'm sure be a surer bet for accepting than a new, unknown rental. You could also point out that the alternative is that you will have to go and your H stay, but as he is then a single person, it's very likely that he'd move out very soon as the place would be too big - which would leave landlord having to find a new tenant (exactly what they don't want). Put it like that to your landlord and I'm sure they would consider it.

However, if the place you're in is larger than you and DS need, it's probably more sensible in the long run to move out anyway.

Trouble is by getting the landlord involved he could decide that he doesn't want to get involved and he could end the tenancy.

I didn't say you didn't work. I said you need to earn more if you are going to have any chance of independence.

Good luck.

Thank you, SylvainasAtEase. I have had a friend say the very same thing to me about my DS's behaviour towards H. I had not considered that. DS is a sensitive boy so I cannot help but see how much sense you are talking!

I think it is a bit cheeky of me to ask the landlord to reduce the rental but considering how awful things are at home, it may be one option open to me. I just wanted to gauge what others thought.

For those of you wondering if I DO work: yes, I work full time and study part time. I love my job and have wonderful support from my colleagues.

The landlords mortgage might prohibit him from taking a tenant who claims any hb

I wondered why it was that some private landlords do not take HB tenants - i did not realise that it could be a condition of the mortgage. Makes sense.

Also they don't have to.

Would maintenance not cover the rent shortfall?

Letscook, do you mean landlords do not have to take tenants on hb? If that is what you meant, yes, I thought that was the case.

I have a really good job earning a bit above the national average, but it is good in that it is term time only so I have most of the school holidays with DS. My salary will go up as my experience increases and once I have passed the course I am doing. So, I am doing all I can to improve my situation and to keep things as good and as even keeled for our boy.

I wish I had a crystal ball to see what to do or a fairy god mother to do it for me! I organise EVERYTHING in the home from food to dentists to cleaning to repairs - every bloody thing. But now, I am stuck. I am finding it very difficult and very lonely having to make these decisions on my own. Friends and family can give advice but in the end I have to get on with it myself.

Just like others have had to.