What is the motivation behind stonewalling / completely ignoring people?

[Bursarymum]

I feel that normally functioning people do not behave this way. It is an ongoing problem I have with my ex husband and a behaviour I have noticed in a few other men who I've had relationships with. On the face of things we don't have any argument. But whenever I need to speak to hIm about something important, concerning our two children he often completely ignores me. One of our children is severely disabled and it's often important for me to talk with him about her but he just won't. He has now started ignoring our 11 year old daughter when she texts him, and she has said to me this morning she doesn't want to see him if he can't be bothered to acknowledge it.

Whenever I've read about stonewalling there are references to sociopaths and things like that. What is the reason for this behaviour? And how should you respond to it? If at all. It is just so frustrating and upsetting. Especially now he is hurting our dd.

Acknowledge her, sorry, not it.

Bump

I think there can be different motivations. Fear, for example: people ignore tasks that they fear might reveal any of their inadequacies. Another motivation could be control: putting others "in their place" by showing them how little their concerns matter to you.

I used to work with someone who rarely spoke to or acknowledged women. He just blanked out anything they said unless it was directly relevant to a discussion, and then he'd only listen if there wasn't a man to repeat it for him.

He was in the HR person.

Funnily enough, it seemed that promotions happened more easily if one had a penis about one's person.

I think his motivation was pretty obvious.

If I blank someone, it's usually because they've been hurtful towards me to such an extent that I'd rather not communicate with them ever again. I don't do it to people that are an important part of my life.

I think it is normal to cut someone off if they have been very offensive but if it's someone you know well enough to tell if they've upset you you would think you could say something.

What I'm talking about though is someone just suddenly ignoring when nothing has happened.

And there is surely no defence for ignoring your 11 year old dd

It's usually about -them- not you for a start.

A lot of people who are going to get weird with others, start getting weird when it becomes obvious the other person has their own minds, opinions and thoughts.

I think a lot of it is hidden anger from long ago. They had reason then to be angry, but couldn't say so so it became submerged ... and they sometimes spend the rest of their lives behaving in a way that drives everyone else mad.

stonewalling is a form of passive aggressiveness that means that everyone else is let down or gets angry, not the person themselves ... even though they are the problem.

There's some very interesting reading and links on this mumsnet thread: here

Fwiw my husband stonewalled for the first 18 months of our marriage and it destroyed the relationship. In the end he realised and he chose to change. I'd given up by then and didn't want anything to do with him. He finally realised it and loved me and our son enough to try hard to change his behaviour. But only HE could do it. I'm afraid that actually he was a rare example because most stonewalling people are too trapped inside their own mixed up heads to step outside the pattern of behaviour that seems to work ... for them. It doesn't really, but they can't see that.

I'm very sorry for your daughter, he's behaving very hurtfully. But you can't lead a donkey even to water in this case, never mind getting it to drink. Stonewalling men certainly have two ears, a tail and a very stubborn set of hooves.

I did find myself doing this when I was in an EA relationship and my H was goading me. I got so distressed I flooded with emotion and literally couldnt speak or look at him. If he forced me to engage I became utterly distraught. This looked like me refusing to discuss things with him but was actually a survival tactic.
OP does your DH find the DC disability very upsetting? Is he unable to handle discussing it maturely? Or is he just a knob?

I thought stonewalling was not speaking after falling out?

Somtimes I stonewall dp because I don't trust myself self not to say somthing totally out of order when I'm pissed off.

I thought stonewalling was not speaking after falling out?

Me too. My mum was like that and I found out that she and her brothers were just not allowed to quarrel. So she had a bad stomach ulcer from keeping everything inside.

not answering for a half hour or hour after a row to give yoruself time to calm down is one thing; consistently ignoring important stuff like the needs of your 11yo daughter or your disabled child is another.

It could be selfish uninterest in facing anything difficult ofc. Or genuine lack of interest. Or game-playing (like i outlined above; depends on the sort of stonewalling i suppose).

I suspect I do this (not about my child tho!) sometimes I have so much going on emotionally (my ex left when I was pregnant) that I simply can't take on any more emotion or deal with any more relationships. My son is 3 now and my brother and I see only just starting to tentatively talk again because I simply haven't been able to take it on before now. It IS selfish of me, but I don't know how to change it. Your ex h on the other hand sounds like a wayward tosser - unless he has something major going on in his life you haven't mentioned?

"If I blank someone, it's usually because they've been hurtful towards me to such an extent that I'd rather not communicate with them ever again. I don't do it to people that are an important part of my life."

Yeah, I agree with this and it's how I am with people too.

Be nice, or be blanked.

In an intimate relationship stonewalling is a form of emotional abuse, or an emotional abuse tactic. This is a good description: stonewalling.

Wait wait. this one is better.

There is not always a motivation. I think in essence it is because two people cannot communicate. This is either temporary because one is so flooded with emotional they just can't cope, or its more long standing and a more pervasive and dangerous mal-adaptive coping strategy - an attempt to show the other person just how upset you are and trying to get them to change.

But whatever is going on it is unacceptable behaviour from any mature responsible adult. I used to stonewall my ex in a deeply unhappy relationship to try and get him to see how upset I was. Absolute madness. If you can't communicate openly and honestly then its a problem. You can't make someone understand you by refusing to talk to them or even acknowledge them.

I would guess your ex is just feeling overwhelmed by a situation that he can't change. If he pretends the problem isn't there, maybe it will go away. This is very immature and foolish behaviour, but I think it is very common as many people just don't have the strength of character to confront difficulties head on.

My ex does this to me now, but not as seriously. I still find it very frustrating and irritating. He just won't respond to requests for information or let me know his plans. Nothing I have done has ever had an impact on this and after about five years I have decided all I can do is manage my own reaction to what I know will be either his failure to respond or a very late response after much prompting.

But it is very hard when there is a disappointed child involved. I wish there was solution but I am afraid I don't think there is. Just try not to let it get to you too much.

Yes that does sound familiar. I just think that it's certainly a cruel way to treat your own child. I can't ever imagine ignoring my daughters.

I've come across people who do it as a means of abuse and control. However, I think it would be fair to say that my ex husband was difficult to communicate with even when I was married to him. I remember telling him that I had something important to talk to him about. And his response was often 'Shhhh'. This is one of the main reasons we split up.

It's a form of control.

it's a way of dismissing or belittling someone, 'I will not respond to you because you are not worth my time or attention' that kind of thing

It's sad for my daughter if he's trying to dismiss her. I can't work him out - I don't think I ever will!!

He could be a controlling ausive arsehole - or a profoundly miserable and frightened person who just lacks the skills necessary to communicate.

I don't think it matters which as the impact on you and your child is the same and he won't change unless he wants to, you can't make him.

From my experience, after years of trying to point out why communication is necessary and giving examples of all the things that went wrong when he just refused to communicate ... I come to belated realisation that all I can do is realise he is who is is and try as much as I can to protect my child.

You're right Spero. But what do you say to her? My daughter feels that her father just doesn't care about her.

Partly fear of confrontation. They know they are in the wrong a lot of the time and the best way to "win" without discussing or working it out is to ignore you and hope it goes away.

It's controlling, it's selfish, it's childish and it shows very poor empathy towards the person on the receiving end.

My DP sometimes tends towards going silent and being non - communicative. To lessen the impact on my DS (not his child) I have explained that DP had problems with his upbringing that have made him very poor at communicating, and giving of himself, and this is why his behaviour is sometimes poor. I think it's been helpful to DS to explain it like this; maybe this sort of approach would help with your DDs feelings? I don't know.