What is the motivation behind stonewalling / completely ignoring people?

[Bursarymum]

I feel that normally functioning people do not behave this way. It is an ongoing problem I have with my ex husband and a behaviour I have noticed in a few other men who I've had relationships with. On the face of things we don't have any argument. But whenever I need to speak to hIm about something important, concerning our two children he often completely ignores me. One of our children is severely disabled and it's often important for me to talk with him about her but he just won't. He has now started ignoring our 11 year old daughter when she texts him, and she has said to me this morning she doesn't want to see him if he can't be bothered to acknowledge it.

Whenever I've read about stonewalling there are references to sociopaths and things like that. What is the reason for this behaviour? And how should you respond to it? If at all. It is just so frustrating and upsetting. Especially now he is hurting our dd.

Thank you Charley. That does seem like a good idea. I would not say that he doesn't love the children but certainly his approach to them is not emotionally healthy. When they're with them he makes an effort to do nice things with them. But when they're with me (which is most of the time) it's like 'out of sight out of mind'

Op, it is very difficult. My ex does not sound as damaging as your ex in that when he is around he does pay attention to our child and wants to do things with her; she adores him. But he lives very far away and seems to come back to the UK at very random times. A lot of the behind the scenes difficulty - he just refuses to plan ahead and gets angry when I ask for advance notice of when he is coming to the UK - she is shielded from by me (which is very frustrating, but it would not be a good idea to bring her into this).

I think all you can do is show your child that she is loved and any poor behaviour from her father is not a reflection on her and her worth. But this is going to cause some harm, I don't see how that can be avoided. All you can do is not add to it by bringing her into any arguments. I would not say negative things about him but equally I wouldn't try to pretend he is something that he is not. Its a fine and difficult line to tread and I can't pretend I always get it right.

Yes it is a difficult line. I'm hope it won't affect her future relationships. This is what really worries me the most.

I don't think having a crap parent necessarily dooms you to a miserable adult life and the prospect of having lots of relationship problems. What will be a problem is - again! - if there isn't honest communication and discussion about it.

I firmly believe that 99% of most emotional problems are caused by a failure to the open about what is going on. Thus a lot of emotional energy is expended in trying to deny or explain away problems, rather than confronting them and trying to find ways round them.

Her dad is a dick - that doesn't mean she isn't lovely and loveable. He is the one missing out, he is the ultimate loser here. She should try to feel sorry for him.

Easier said than done, I know.