Thriving after divorce or end of EA relationship? Please share.

[magazinewhore]

Hello, I'm new to MN, but I've been lurking for a while. I'm considering leaving a six-year-old EA marriage (no kids, Thank God.). Used to think DH was a decent guy with anger issues. Now I'm realizing that's still abuse. He thinks he's depressed due to so much work but does nothing to address his stress or moods.

Anyway, I'm interested in hearing stories of women who have left EA relationships and are now thriving. Thanks!

Your attorney is full of balloon juice as far as I can ascertain.

It may depend on your state, of course, but I am pretty certain the home is marital property in all 50 states and would be considered so after eight years no matter whose name was on the deeds, and that means shared equity. A beach house or rental property owned by one or other of a couple might not be as clear cut.

You need to look for sublets on offer that may be welcoming to your cat, or even house sitting arrangements where a cat would be welcome might suit until you have found your feet. If you are in a university city there may be many sublets available at this time. Look up noticeboards online with university names in your search terms. Or scour other online sites for sublets or apartment shares.

(I am in the US btw)

Thanks, mathanxiety. She wasn't my attorney, just one I called at random and had a free consultation with so I'm not sure. Yes, if marital property is paying for the mortgage, which it has been, I think it's martial property. I'm not sure what the deal is if the place has lost value though.

I am in a big city, and there are some temp sublets I could take for the summer or a few months while things get worked out. I just found a furnished one close to work that does take cats, but it's not cheap. However, it seems to me that when you suggest that someone move out in a fight and then leave, you should have to pay for a month or two of a furnished, safe apartment while things get in order.

Doesn't matter about lost value.

My family home was sold and the equity distributed at the height of the housing crisis. If we had waited even two more years we could have made $50k more, but exH insisted on the sale right there and then and since it was marital property (and the mortgage was family debt) it had to be either sold or one or other of us could have paid off the mortgage and bought out the other. This was not financially possible for either of us, so the debt (the mortgage) had to be eliminated and the property (the equity) divided. I had been a sahm throughout my marriage and had not contributed financially to the mortgage but I still got the majority split. You might get a 50/50 split, and since he only bought the property a little before you married and both of your incomes went into a joint account from which the mortgage was paid then this is likely (to the best of my knowledge).

Don't bother fighting with him about him paying for your sublet or other accommodation. You will be held to have chosen to leave and to have understood the financial ramifications of that, and what he said or did not say that caused you to leave is a matter of he said/she said.

Your best bet is to leave and file for divorce even if you live in a state that is not no fault. AFAIK you can cite irreconcilable differences, and you will be entitled to a share of the marital property. The only thing that would militate against you getting a share of the equity is if the condo is in negative equity (you owe more than it would fetch in a sale).

Why does your future home have to be close to work? Do you have a car or is there public transport? Maybe look for carpools if you are able to find a place further away and you don't have public transport or a car.

Our place is worth less than it was when he bought it, so it might be negative equity. I'm not sure. Also, we have kept separate accounts and a joint one. We paid bills our of our joint account (mortgage, health care, etc), but my income (because it's so small) goes into my account and toward my bills (student loans, credit card debt, clothes for work, etc.). i have a car, and it's paid off. Being close to work is relative (I'm in Chicago and so I'd prefer to have a commute of 30 minutes or less one way). I just want to be in a fairly safe hood in a decent place.

You can find out. It's the mortgage amount vs. potential sale price that determines negative equity. If the mortgage is higher than an estimate from a realistic real estate agent's best guess then you might just have to forget about insisting on a sale right now.

A joint account is marital property no matter what the source of the money that goes into it.

I am in the Chicago area too so I understand the commute issue, but there are safe spots outside the city on the Blue and Green lines (Oak Park and Forest Park and River Forest for the Green line) and also north towards Evanston. There is also the Metra -- to the SW the south end of Berwyn isn't bad, and Riverside is very nice, also Brookfield, but of course apartments near the railway (Berwyn and Riverside) come with a price that reflects that convenience. If you were prepared to drive and then take the train you might find that Brookfield could work.

River Forest might be worth looking at right now as there are two small universities there and small furnished apartments may be available, or summer sublets.

The Metra corridor that goes through Elmwood Park to the north of River Forest (along Grand Avenue) might also suit

Or you could look at Hyde Park. DD1 got summer and winter sublets there when she was a student at the U of C and had a job she wanted to keep year round. It is very well policed, and there are buses that go on LSD to downtown so you can avoid the Green line and Garfield Blvd.

The Galewood neighbourhood is also safe, and the Grand Avenue metra corridor runs through it on its way to Elmwood Park.

Sorry to post in dribs and drabs but it strikes me that the south end of Evanston has Northwestern U so you might be able to sublet there too, or find a room going a begging.

I work downtown, so I'd rather stay closer to the city. But I know there are plenty of places in Ravenswood, Lakeview, Edgewater. I don't know Hyde Park well, but it looks beautiful.

DH came home several hours after storming out and pretended like nothing happened (his M.O.).

I would think he could keep the condo as he needs somewhere to live and we probably can't sell it now anyway. Does that mean he would pay me for my half of the equity? Honestly, we've been married six years. I could see getting $1000/month for 3 years, which is $36K. That would be enough to put down a bit on a condo for me and furnish it (I have nothing) and put some away for retirement, I hope. Although honestly, I would think I would be due for more.

If you are able to find a lawyer, then those are questions to put to him or her. The law schools in Chicago have legal clinics where you could go for advice or even to represent you in a divorce if you can't afford a lawyer. Metropolitan Family Services also has a legal referral system.

If it can be classed as marital property then you would need to file for divorce and have the equity ascertained and get your share. A problem might arise if there is no equity or negative equity. If there is something like $10 in equity then you might get $5k if he were to buy you out. Not a lot really, but

Is there any way you can get a real estate agent to do an appraisal on the sly? Look online to see if there are any comparable condos in your building for sale so you could get an idea of the general asking price.