Thriving after divorce or end of EA relationship? Please share.

[magazinewhore]

Hello, I'm new to MN, but I've been lurking for a while. I'm considering leaving a six-year-old EA marriage (no kids, Thank God.). Used to think DH was a decent guy with anger issues. Now I'm realizing that's still abuse. He thinks he's depressed due to so much work but does nothing to address his stress or moods.

Anyway, I'm interested in hearing stories of women who have left EA relationships and are now thriving. Thanks!

What a great story! I can't imagine ever wanting to be in a relationship again (let alone remarry). Thanks for sharing.

So here's how it is: DH and I basically, at best, just tolerate each other. I'm just so tired of all my energy going to monitoring his moods, what I may have done/didn't do. He says he's just in a mood and it doesn't have anything to do with me (and I shouldn't take his irritability personally). But I'm also so used to it, that's just normal

It's Sunday morning. I went to pilates (where, tragically, an old instructor I had just died this week). I get back and he's not talking, doing his crossword puzzle and watching car racing (yuk). I ask if he's eaten. He says no. I ask if he wants to go somewhere for breakfast; he says he doesn't know. I ask what's wrong. He says "nothing" in the least convincing way ever. So I make a cup of coffee and sit down to do some reading. After 20 minutes, he asks me what I want to do today. But the whole time, he's clearly miserable. And I know what answers are acceptable to him.

The other day, I happened upon the movie, "The Last King of Scotland" (starring my BF James MacAvoy), and I realized just how similar the dynamic is between others and Idi Amin and DH and I. Obviously, he's not that bad. But it's that moment when the other person realizes that the rules aren't the same with the abuser, that he doesn't react in a reasonable way and you have to tiptoe around his moods really struck me.

On the other hand, it was my birthday last week and he wrote in a card that though he's a moody, irritable person, he still loves me and doesn't know where he'd be without our marriage.I don't want to hurt him. But I don't want to live in this negative energy. I developed low back pain and IBS (all stress related). And we just never communicate. And I think that's really the most damaging aspect of it. I just get these moods from him and he never talks about them.

That sounds really tough. After a while you begin to forget what is normal don't you?

magazine Telling someone you love them is easy, showing them is more important. My H used to be very vocal about how he loved me all the time. The sad fact is he never demonstrated it, during the dying throes of our relationship I never felt so alone.

mag I posted earlier saying I was 6 months single, reading your latest post I can relate totally. I actually agreed to meet my exH today, he is still saying that his jealousy caused all our problems (and yes it was a huge factor) but I tried to explain to him how exhausting it was to live day to day with his moods, with being blanked for days/weeks on end because I said or did something he deemed unacceptable.... He doesn't get it, he'll never get it.

He said he still loves me but he knows I no longer love him. Your H will never get it either, he will profess his love for you but the words are meaningless unless he changes his behaviour.

My exH never thought I'd actually go, we had done joint counselling but he has now admitted that he said what was necessary and it's only now I've gone he is truly reflecting on his behaviour.... That is not the action of a man who loves his wife!!

yougot your situation sounds scarily similar to mine X

Yes, I have completely forgotten what is normal. I just know that every so often I want to stand up and scream, "this is not how spouses should treat each other!"

I'd love to heard details of how you actually left. Did you tell him and then leave? Did you leave a note? Did you plan it? Did it just hit you and you told him? I know I'm going to get a scene/angry tantrum from him and my fear of that is part of what has kept me here. I really don't think it will turn physical, but I do have my cats that I want to get out there when I go. I actually rented a place for 2 months in Dec-Jan ostensibly so I could work on my writing (and also to have some space), but I only went sporadically. I left very guilty the whole time.

It's like he's not very nice or attentive to me, but he doesn't want me to leave and gets really angry when I've expressed hurt at his behavior before. I've read the EA books and have a good therapist.

I know I should go. But I can't seem to make the leap to actually do it. Part of me doesn't want to disappoint/betray or hurt him. I'm happiest when he's out of town for work (which isn't often enough).

I was leaving in June, told him & my 2 teenage DS, my boys were upset of course but accepted it as they are mature enough to know how toxic my relationship with their DF was. Of course he didn't accept it and made all the right noises (again) I didn't fall for it but because we had a holiday booked I agreed to one more (one more) chance.

Deep down I knew it was only a matter of time and things were back to "normal" by the end of September. I told him I was going, moved into the spare room and set about looking for somewhere to live.

He didn't believe it would happen of course and swung between being Mr perfect & an absolute that in the 7 weeks it took. I separated all our finances, then when my house was ready I left.

There's never a good time and he probably won't believe you'll do it until you do. If it follows the same pattern you will get a lot of shit thrown at you but honestly it was worth it.

He said today "I'm not a monster" I said maybe not but your behaviour was monstrous. No-one should have to live with monstrous behaviour.

Not me...and mag not you either

*absolute twat

Phone is censoring my language!!

I told DH last week that I'm leaving. He's an alcoholic and his drinking is sucking the life out of me. It'll kill him.

I'm so excited! He's been away this weekend and I've been in the attic and got a lot of my stuff down and sorted through. As soon as finances are sorted I'm off. I've been hanging on because of my degree but now that's finished...

I'm currently considering ending my marriage of 9 years, we have two children age 6 and 3 years. Last year we separated for 6 months and finally I felt like I could breath again. The house was calm and I was happy. But stupidly he convinced me he had changed and he moved back in. Fast forward another 6 months and everything is the same if not worse, down the pub all the time, me walking on egg shells not knowing what mood he will be in. Him draining the family finances on booze. I know I need to divorce him but he has made it clear he won't move out again and the children will be devastated so I feel trapped

Sorry totally brought down the positive vibe of this thread! Remembering how I felt last year it was honestly amazing so if you can move on go for it

magazine to answer your question about how...

It had been building up for years, I had been running through scenarios in my head, could I actually do it? did I actually want to do it? I found that over a period of time I actually felt more comfortable with the prospect. Initially it terrified me, by the end I was actively looking forward to it.

Every time I thought we were getting things sorted we would be OK for a period of weeks/months and then eventually he would do something to destroy it. Every time that happened I was slower to forgive, less inclined to "work on" things when we made up, more resentful afterwards, more independent.

Then over the past year a series of things happened which were dealbreakers for me. After the last incident in which he threatened to hurt me and behaved appallingly in front of my DD I knew as if a light had been switched off that there was no going back.

He was always threatening to leave and when he did on this occasion I said yes I want you to as well and actually followed through. When he started to put up barriers (not having money for a deposit etc) I met each of them head on and made it clear that I was serious. After about six weeks the penny dropped and he left.

I'm lucky, of course, in that I'm financially more or less independent. I realise not everyone has that luxury.

But the bottom line is you will get to a point when you know its no longer worth it. Once you reach that point its only a matter of time and the manner in which you do it is kind of irrelevant.

While I was in the will I/won't I stage of my decision, some wise mumsnetter posted that it's like standing on the edge of a diving board scared to jump.... You stand there for ages without really knowing what you're scared of, then suddenly you find the courage to jump.... the sense of freedom, the pride you take in your own bravery, the realisation that you can do it even though it's scary and the acknowledgement that it's all going to be ok are amazing.

Plan plan plan and when the time is right for you, you'll find the courage to jump..... We're all telling you that whatever is in the water it's nothing as bad as before

Leaving a miserable, entitled whiny partner to live alone was the best thing ever. I can still remember the frisson of excitement, and then the simple pleasures of living alone - buying flowers, sprawling over the bed, getting up in the middle of the night, going out when you feel like it, made a bunch of new friends too.

Absolute joy. My only regret is that I didn't leave him earlier - what was I thinking?!

Now, I'm dating someone who is lovely, is there for me - but I'm taking my time as I love my freedom so much.

I spent seven years with a man who was emotionally, sexually and financially abusive. We split up in 2006.

I am now married to a kind, gentle, sweet man. I used to think life couldn't improve. That I chose my path and I had to stay on it. I'm so glad I was wrong.

I wish you strength.

You say part of you doesn't want to disappoint/betray or hurt him. Why are his feelings more important than yours?
He's not very nice or attentive to you and gets really angry when you've expressed hurt at his behavior which is not how someone who loves you should react. You say he doesn't want you to leave but from what you say it's not because he loves you or enjoys being with you.
Life will be so much easier and happier without him, what's stopping you?

I know women are generally poorer after divorce, and frankly, I know this will be true if I leave. I don't want to be a poor bag lady. My job isn't great and My salary barely covers a studio in my city, and it will be tight. DH makes about 5x my salary. I grew up poor and security is important to me.

For a long time, I just thought he was a moody person and if I could only explain myself better, our relationship would be smoother (typical EA thinking). And, of course, my expectations have changed incrementally in ways I'm only beginning to realize. I also know he's going to reject my version of events and turn it around on me. I shouldn't care, but I do.

And, of course, I'm less confident than when I was when I was younger. It's scarier now that I'm older. And sometimes when things get a little better, I think maybe we'll get past it and things will get better. I know that's probably not true. So, basically denial, I guess.

15 years out of an ea relationship

I left with a bin bag of clothes and my car, I gave him everything except my solicitors fees in the divorce (we are talking I gave him thousands here) and I can honestly say it's the best thing I've EVER done in my entire life

I was scared shitless, had no clue what I was doing. This is the woman who didn't know how to buy a mobile phone as he did everything..

I've loved me, and my life ever since

DH just got mad and stormed out. Today's a US holiday, and we got up, worked out, but didn't really talk at all (which is very typical). I went for a walk and he took a nap. He seemed sulky to me. Not making eye contact, not talking. And finally I said doesn't he think it's weird that we go the whole day without talking? (Because I feel like he's mad and I feel like it's criticism without him saying anything).

He exploded, "WTF?" He said I hadn't said anything either. And I said that's because he seemed upset. He said he was napping and I came home and banged stuff around, waking him up (I didn't realize that). He said this was bullshit and if I'm so unhappy, why don't I leave?

From his pov, he probably does feel like I'm always expressing/blaming him for how unhappy I am. But he never does anything to change his behavior.

If I had a place to go with my cats, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Think it would be justified to rent a furnished short-term one-bed apt. close to my work ($1350/month) and be like, "well, you said to leave?" With my salary alone, I could only afford $800-900/month tops.

My therapist tells me when he does this to go to a hotel for the night and get a massage, but I don't want to leave my cat alone. I'm sure he'd be fine, but I don't want to take a chance.

Have you spoken to an attorney about your legal situation? Do you rent, or own, because if you own, you must presumably have contributed to the home and therefore have some claim on some of the equity?

You need to find out what your legal rights are, IMO, so you know what your options are.

I took a couple of years of posting on here to leave. I do wish I had done it earlier. My only saving grace is that he actually left in the end which made it less of an uproot for dd. But it does mean I am not totally free of him yet and I can't wait to finally file for divorce! But I am putting dd's security first for now. I could buy somewhere with proceeds but not in same area, and it would be a big struggle. I am on a very low salary and working part time. So the financial aspect and the insecurity of that was a massive reason why I didn't leave. But that was more because of dd than anything else.

I started all over again before this, on my own, after a shitty relationship(although not as shitty as this one), and one of the things which has kept me going was remembering just how great it felt to be living on my own and getting things sorted on my own. I feel that again now.

He was really emotionally abusive today over the phone to dd and upset dd (and me). I've turned all my phones off. So nice to be able to do that but it seriously fucks me off that he still can affect what was a lovely day. I'm sad for her that she will always have this side of him to put up with. But we've talked about it and I think she totally gets that this is a shit side and it;s not right.

So glad i have left. Just do it. You will not regret it. It is hard, but one day you will just feel that enough is enough.

We live in a condo he bought just before we met. I talked to an attorney once and she said because he bought it, it may be only in his name. At some point we refinanced and I had to sign some things, but he specifically told me there was some reason my name wasn't on it. Whatever, the place has lost value since the housing market recession, although yes, obviously, we've been paying mortgage with martial income (although it's mostly his).

I don't really care about the place. It's a nice small one-bed, and we've been crammed in here for 8 years because he refuses to rent and get a bigger place or try to sell it (another bone of contention). I just want to be somewhere safe and stress-free.