Had enough of Frenemy-type friend and her horrible barbed comments.

[CarnivalRose]

Friend always does a ditzy act so everyone thinks she's cute and nice, but always picks on me and makes barbed comments in a cutesy voice so that they sound like compliments. She doesn't do it to anyone else though.

Today I met her and several other friends and amongst the comments she made to me were:

"Oooh bottle blonde" when she saw I'd had my hair done lighter (she is bottle blonde herself too)

"Is that bag big enough for you? Jesus, its like a fucking sack. Isn't it?" (the isn't it bit was aimed at everyone else to get them to join in), about my new bag.

"oooh look at you, nice to see you've made an effort today"

"you're brave in those trousers. you're not someone that I would normally think could carry off something like that"

And on and on and on.

I came back with quips but I have been thinking I shouldn't have to defend myself to a so-called friend.

Why does she do this to me and not other people? She is always patronising to me about things I wear and own. Like an "OOOOH, I LIKE this" in a sarky baby voice.

I agree with purple about being very hesitant to engage this "friend" verbally; the type person who will say the types of things she does with such ease is very likely to counter with something you are completely unprepared for. She's been practicing this for years and will say things with no guilt or shame (enjoys it!) that you would never consider saying to anyone. I agree with the turn and look, pause, turn away and change subject, preferably to someone else, "So how did your xyz go yesterday?"

A friend of mine has a friend who says similar to me. I've finally gotten into the habit of just staring dead-faced at her and then looking up to the heavens and carrying on as if she never spoke. To be honest, she never even notices -- but others have and it's almost gotten to be rather funny.

I love and have used the method trib described (to the effect of "Good one! Very clever! I'm putting that on my list/writing that one down!") -- but in an educational setting. This only works, unfortunately, with bright, non-malicious types who are capable of appreciating the humor or who are outnumbered by those who are. (Otherwise, this can unleash some unbelievably stupid questions and barrage of accusations as the thing goes south quickly!)

Good luck! If it helps at all, we now all dislike her immensely and will take her out if we ever have the opportunity!

You have had some good advice on how to deal with her...but what about the rest of your social circle. I really wouldn't want to hang around with people who laughed at her jokes or where one person was consistently laughed at in this kind of way. I was once in a group like this (NCT), never again, because the hangers on weren't true friends and just laughed along. My husband said at the time, it's better to have no friends than non-friends, and he was right, I did stop going out with them and although it did take time to meet other people, at least I didn't feel like people were gossiping about me, laughing in that fake way (I know the one) and just didn't genuinely like me for me.]

I'm not keen on group friendships and now I remember why!

i'm not keen on group friendships and now I remember why

This!

She is not your friend. She clearly does not like you very much. You seem to have fallen into a weird co-dependent dynamic where she needs to treat you like shit to make herself feel better and you let her, because she's supposed to be your 'friend.' What kind of a friendship is this?

Clearly neither of you are truly enjoying one another's company, she has no respect for you and you feel constantly undermined around her, so put her out of her misery and take control of it. Ditch her. And if she asks why then tell her exactly what I just said.

purpleapple
I was in a teaching job with a woman like this. I was always blindsided by the the things this bitch came out with. It was a toxic environment and she was the queen bee. Eventually I quit. There is a lot of this in teaching but I won't expand on the reasons why at the moment. Anyway OP this woman is jealous of you and wants to keep you in your place. It's a Mean Girls scenario. I don't have any advice but walk away.

I also experienced a woman like this in my old job - she was a text-book frenemy! She literally nearly drove me mad, and in fact I am now in a different country to her but she still manages to send me friendly/bitchy messages on Facebook. Hopefully she will drift off into the distance soon...

Agree best way to deal with it is to keep distance between you and try not to get engaged in her little games. Why are some people so WEIRD?! It must be literally exhausting to think of snide little comments all the time while maintaining a facade of being their best friend..!

You have my sympathy. Good luck

Yes I agree with purple and laladeepsouth too and this exactly ... 'turn and look, pause, turn away and change subject, preferably to someone else, "So how did your xyz go yesterday?"'

I really struggle with the person I know like this, and I couldn't imagine challenging her or trying to outwit her, but it would be easy do the above I think, which would certainly make the point...

Derxa interested in what you said about there being a lot of it in teaching. Please could you tell us more? x

I think that people sometimes behave like this more or less on automatic. I have a friend from Uni (still friends now) who has form for PA remarks; she once said to me (all smilingly innocent) that a mutual (overweight) friend thought of me as a successful story of a very overweight person managing to get pregnant. I was a size 16 when I got pregnant, so not exactly obese

However, I was a bit innocent back then and responded in all good faith with 'Oh. Well I suppose that's fair enough, I was pretty overweight at the time' and carried on making tea. I dimly recall that she looked a bit surprised I didn't realise until actual MONTHS later that it was a weird thing for her to have said and would have been very out of character for our mutual friend to have said!

Anyway. PA friend has stopped the behaviour somewhat now and was actually very supportive when my mum passed away, so she has her good points - I think it's a learned behaviour from her and maybe a stress response. I don't really know.

Yours sounds like a right bitch though, no benefit of the doubt to be given there!!

I had a friend like this. And she was a friend. At heart a nice girl who'd experienced some bad shit but had made the best out of crappy situations. So I cut her a lot of slack with the back handed compliments as I knew it was more about her than me.

But I'm human, I can only take so much and it was wearying always being prepared for "the comment" - and they always came. It got to a point where I gradually just stopped associating with her. We'll pass the time of day if we bump I to each other but we don't chat or meet up or anything.

And funnily enough, Other people did the same.

I've met a lot of women like this, although have been lucky in the sense I've got a good friendship group who have been able to see what is happening so there has been minimal impact on us in that way. The way I deal with it is by letting the comment sunk in to everyone then asking them what they mean and then carrying on whilst looking puzzled as to what they are on about-never failed to make people realise what they've said and I keep the moral high ground by not biting back.
For example,
Her: You're brave in those trousers. You're not someone that I would normally think could carry something like that off"

Me: a raised eyebrow puzzled sort of look and let the silence hang long enough for it to feel uncomfortable then looking puzzled turn to her and ask 'in what way?'

Her: well erm...

Me; riight turn back to group 'anyway how have you all been?

Her: "Oo look at you, nice to see you made an effort today'

Me: 'oh thank you' huge smile then turn and engage with the rest of the group

I was wondering if the 'ditzyness' is a bit of an act and so are the jellyfish stings - she sounds deeply insecure.

I also know someone like this. She has a very particular 'little girl' voice that she adopts when she is making hugely derogatory comments about people. Its like her voice changes so that you naturally tune in sympathetically only to get a poisonous barb straight in the ear. I stay away from her in general.

I think the ditzyness is definitely an act; she does seem to put the cutesy voice on when she's saying something toxic. She comes across as someone not very intelligent but I guess she must be very clever to manipulate as she does!

CarnivalRose These types of people are not intellectuals. They are not book smart but they have native cunning. They are sharks who scent blood. Oh no I am not bitter... I'm not joking, OP. Watch Mean Girls and all will be explained. Find real friends not people who are afraid of this horror.

Oh yes she is definitely cunning.