How to tell DH that I am leaving...

[ClaryLestrange]

To cut a 21-year-long story shortish, DH and I have been growing apart for years. DC are 12 and 14. One has Aspergers and is v high maintenance. I have done all the high-maintenance bit as DH 'can't manage DC1'. I am a SAHM and DH works from home.

DC1 is incredibly hard work, but the DC and I are fine together; we have fun and laughs and cuddles as well as squabbles and so on. But DH is like a black cloud in the house. After years of indulging (or so it seems now - at the time, I thought I could 'make him more cheerful' if I did something different) his gloomy moods, I have reached a point of complete emotional detachment from him. We haven't had sex for over a year; we haven't shared a room for 8 years; we don't hold hands or hug. But we don't argue either; in fact, we get on perfectly ok on the face of it.

I have a friend to whom I've become very close. It isn't an affair; it isn't even an emotional affair (as I don't think it would be right to talk to Male Friend about Bad Marriage). However, if it were on offer (which it isn't), I think it probably would be an affair.

DH has been completely faithful to me. He has just made me very, very unhappy for a very, very long time.

I have gradually come to the conclusion that I have no choice but to leave him. This is not what I ever wanted, but I can't bear the crushing unhappiness of life at the moment. If it weren't for the DC, I would have done it years ago.

In my head, it has happened. His moods no longer touch me because I have reached the point where I have mentally moved into a house of my own where the DC can spill drinks without the Wrath of the Father descending. But how do I actually tell DH? For all his faults he is desperately fond of the DC (even though he called one of them 'that horrible child' in their hearing - I can't forgive him for this). He would be absolutely devastated, even though he knows we have problems (he is currently trying to be nicer, but we have been there before). He is not abusive and has never belittled me; it's his attitude to the DC (and particularly one of them) that has killed the marriage off for me.

How on earth do I make the leap from mental detachment to actual separation?

As far as actually telling him, I think you've just got to bite the bullet and sit him down and do it. I would try to arrange for the DC to be elsewhere for a few hours. Or perhaps during the day while they're at school?

Before you do this, though, consult with CAB and/or a solicitor about how much maintenance you can expect, will the house be sold, etc. That way you can go into the conversation knowing what to expect on the practical side.

'Bite the bullet' is right - and it's the bit I'm scared of. Though I do need to have a sense of the practical side first. We have all kinds of complicated assets, so I am dreading that too... Plus he may well argue that he shouldn't be made to pay anything as separating is not his choice (true)...

Have to collect DC now, but will try to look at this again later!

I am also on the cusp of doing something major. I am undecided as to just up and go or sit H down and tell him.

Its actually quite scary the thought of sitting him down and telling him.

He can argue he doesn't have to pay anything all he wants. It isn't up to him, regardless of who splits from who.

Please find a way and do it.mi have a friend in almost exactly your situation except she still hasn't left after 25 years. Shes made half hearted attempts to spilt up over the years but basically stayed because it was easier.

Life is far too short. If the relationship has failed and you want to leave then tell him. Kindly but firmly. Then follow through.

Having a sneaky catch-up while making supper...
Matilda, that's what I'm afraid of. I have spent my entire 20s and 30s in this relationship, and I just have a horror of it going on any longer...

I do feel bad though. It isn't as if he is abusive or controlling or any of the awful things you read about on here. Compared to what some people go through, my situation would seem pretty ok. And it's what wives put up with in my Gran's generation. Part of me thinks I should just put up with it, especially because of the children. But then I remember all the times he has been unreasonably shouty with them, even when they were little, and I recoil from him.

Baaaaaaabaaaaabaaaaa I didn't mean to leave your comment unanswered either. I am sorry to hear thay you are in a similar position...

You need to be honest with him about how you are feeling. Seriously consider relationship counselling, you may find out that your husband is as unhappy as you and wants to end things too. Relate would be a good starting point and could help you both to end the relationship in a way that is least harmful. Make some enquiries about how you can access this and how quickly. Present this to him as an almost fait accompli, and say that it is vital that you both do this if you want to carry on being the parents that your children need and deserve.
Are you talking about physically leaving? What about your children, will they be going with you? How will DC with Aspergers react? Once you move out, it is very hard to go back. Get some legal advice via a free half an hour with a solicitor before you make any sudden actions that you may regret later. You also need to work out what you will tell your children; you need to decide this together.
I have a child with extra needs, and I know that, much as I love her, the demands of being her parents have damaged our marriage. You say that he has made you very very unhappy. Does he realise this? How you told him before how you are feeling or will this just come out of the blue for him? How much of this is his behaviour and how much has been the stress of parenting a v high maintenance child?
I can understand the temptation to 'just get on with it', but there are other considerations here that are really important. Give yourself a time limit and an action plan; you have to be practical,although I suspect that this is the last thing you want to do at present. But a few more weeks/months will probably not make too much difference to you as you are now, but could make all the difference for you and your children in the future.
Good luck!

Hi OP.
I have just left a nine-year marriage and I can relate to this as one of the hardest parts was telling him and meaning it that I wanted him to move out. And telling other people. I was more scared of this than I was of the actual split itself. It made me sick to the stomach.

The only thing I can say is that once you've done it and you know the wheels are in motion its the most enormous sense of relief. It really liberates you.

You may go through a few days/weeks/months of hell, with him pushing back or refusing to take it seriously. But you will ultimately feel stronger and more free.

But bite the bullet is right. There isn't an easy or a gentle way to tell someone your marriage is over.

I'm going through similar at the moment. In my head I've moved on and I detached emotionally years ago. I have made some plans and taken some practical steps but knowing how and when to bring it out into the open and tell him sometimes feels like working out how to fly to the moon. Feeling especially down about it this evening.

Aubergine, I could have written your post. I feel for you.

newnamesamegame: several people in RL who have gone ahead have said pretty much what you are saying. The thought of ending it is awful, but the thought of feeling better is so alluring.

Lifecanonlygetbetter: thanks for all this very useful food for thought. I don't think anyone can really understand the effect on a marriage of parenting a child with additional needs. I think we might have been okay with two neuro-typical children. But who knows?

I did tell DH a month or so ago that I was desperately miserable and that he was essentially the cause. I said I still like him as a person, but that we have somehow ended up in this awful position. He resolved to try to be more cheerful, and to his credit he has stuck to this. But 20 years of experience suggest that this is only likely to be a temporary measure. And in any case, I feel that it's too little, too late. How could I ever come back from total emotional/sexual detachment when it is the result of years of corrosion?

You are quite right that a few more weeks or months will make no difference in the long run. For various practical reasons, it would be a bad idea to make any major life changes for the next few months - which does buy me enough time to try to work out the practicalities.

AS child would, perhaps strangely, be less upset than DC2. DC1 is so used to me being the one who can handle everything calmly that the absence of the shouty parent wouldn't upset him unduly. DC2 would be much more upset - though I feel that we are setting a very bad example at the moment of a relationship where we are perfectly okay with one another, bar a bit of low-grade friction, but with no warmth or physical affection.

You aren't making each other happy. You either put the effort in to work out how to do it and then do it, or you split.

I'm another one who thinks life's too short so if there's no hope of working out what needs to change and following through then I believe in splitting rather than wasting your prime on a relationship that's not right.

Funny how you end up changing pretty much everything you believe in. I believe(d) that you make your bed and then lie in it, however uncomfortable it is - not least as children need their fathers to be present. And yet here I am, seriously contemplating separating the DC from their father...

You must talk. I split up after 23 years of marriage. It's a very hard decision to make. Just make sure you definitely want to end it. It's hard, but as a lot of MN have all agreed, you have a sense of relief. I love being in control of my life now. Getting up in the mornings and deciding what I want to do and not a miserable man in sight!

It's o.k. to leave him you know....

Why stay with anyone who makes you miserable? Life is just too short....

All that energy staying "trying to fix it" can be better spent on yourself and DC.

I did it. Not saying it's easy but it's a damn sight preferable!...

P.s. Children do not need their fathers "to be present" - unless they are truly present in their life. That includes respecting their mother.

Mine is 24, doing fine, and his dad hasn't been around at all.

A bad dad is worse than no dad...

madmother1, that sounds like my idea of bliss (unfortunately). I did love him once, very much. Maybe if we had been more argumentative (or something), we might have been able to bring this all out in the open rather than letting it fester for so long.

Iflyaway, it's tricky as he is a good dad in some ways. It's just the awfulness of walking on eggshells, wondering when his mood is going to change again. If he had always been the way he's being at the moment, there would have been no problem. He has never been unkind or disrespectful to me - but in a way, I'd rather he was snide to me than to the children. Nobody would dream of speaking to another adult in the way he speaks to them. He seems to sort of think that it doesn't matter because they're children...

I'm sorry but if his mood dictates so much in your house then surely that IS controlling, on some level.....?

Lack of open conflict in your house does not your relationship in any way more healthy. In a way it allows a bad relationship to just go on, and on......

I think once you tell him you are leaving the relationship you will feel relieved and able to be honest with yourself once more. This will unlock a lot of potential in your life as a parent and a woman.

I say: go for it!

I did it and although it was hard, and I've had to rewrite the story of my marriage (which was essentially abusive although may not have looked much different to yours) life is hard but being true to yourself is the prize worth fighting for.

Your dc will benefit from a new and happier you.

One of my kids is also on the spectrum. Strangely she was very insightful about it all when I finally left my ex.... It shows how
Much kids 'know' even when you think they aren't remotely aware...

Thanks, Handywoman. These experiences give me hope, even if I am not sure how to have the conversation. Weirdly, DC2 said today that he thought I didn't really care about Daddy nowadays and that I liked my Friend more. I changed the subject, but it did give me a shock, in that if we split up the DC will think it's my fault for not loving DH. I have sheltered them from his foul moods, made excuses for the things he has said - so the DC might well think he is blameless...

Believe me: you have not sheltered the dc from his moods.

As you can see, they are much more perceptive than we give them credit for. Aspergers kids often see things 'as they are' because they haven't learned to seek other explanations (it's part of what makes them vulnerable young people). They are probably also learning, that 'daddy is in charge' by way of these moods, even if his parenting isn't that great.

Your relationship sounds very like my parents! They stayed together for 20 years longer than they should have while we were growing up, living practically seperate lives in different rooms. It finally came to a conclusion when I was 35, when my mum met someone else and wanted to move forward - I'm married, but don't feel like I have a marriage. The actual split was very painful for my dad and for me. My mum took a lot of flack for it. The family home they'd had for years was sold and a marriage that was almost at 40 years broke up.

Ten years on I think they're amazing. My mum only lasted a few years with her new boyfriend (who was so similar to my dad in many ways it was creepy!). My parents are good friends. They divorced (for financial reasons mainly) without solicitors, it cost nothing, they regularly meet up for lunch, they help each other do jobs that the other can't do. Sometimes I look at them and wonder why they're not together, but then they spend more than 10 hours together and start nagging one another, and I remember!

Have you thought about just starting to get your gear in order? Ebay some stuff, other to charity shops, take it to the tip? Then once you are certain that you have what you need then just sit him down and tell him. 'I'm off love. This isn't a marriage. We haven't slept together for 8 years. It's unfair for all of us to continue - we both deserve a proper relationship and the kids deserve not to be witness to this.'

Jesus, all these posters telling you to leave him. I feel a little sorry for him myself.

I think your kidding yourself about your friend. If you think an affair would be possible but not on offer then you must have been involved in an emotional affair to some extent to know that.