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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to tell DH that I am leaving...

43 replies

ClaryLestrange · 22/05/2015 16:05

To cut a 21-year-long story shortish, DH and I have been growing apart for years. DC are 12 and 14. One has Aspergers and is v high maintenance. I have done all the high-maintenance bit as DH 'can't manage DC1'. I am a SAHM and DH works from home.

DC1 is incredibly hard work, but the DC and I are fine together; we have fun and laughs and cuddles as well as squabbles and so on. But DH is like a black cloud in the house. After years of indulging (or so it seems now - at the time, I thought I could 'make him more cheerful' if I did something different) his gloomy moods, I have reached a point of complete emotional detachment from him. We haven't had sex for over a year; we haven't shared a room for 8 years; we don't hold hands or hug. But we don't argue either; in fact, we get on perfectly ok on the face of it.

I have a friend to whom I've become very close. It isn't an affair; it isn't even an emotional affair (as I don't think it would be right to talk to Male Friend about Bad Marriage). However, if it were on offer (which it isn't), I think it probably would be an affair.

DH has been completely faithful to me. He has just made me very, very unhappy for a very, very long time.

I have gradually come to the conclusion that I have no choice but to leave him. This is not what I ever wanted, but I can't bear the crushing unhappiness of life at the moment. If it weren't for the DC, I would have done it years ago.

In my head, it has happened. His moods no longer touch me because I have reached the point where I have mentally moved into a house of my own where the DC can spill drinks without the Wrath of the Father descending. But how do I actually tell DH? For all his faults he is desperately fond of the DC (even though he called one of them 'that horrible child' in their hearing - I can't forgive him for this). He would be absolutely devastated, even though he knows we have problems (he is currently trying to be nicer, but we have been there before). He is not abusive and has never belittled me; it's his attitude to the DC (and particularly one of them) that has killed the marriage off for me.

How on earth do I make the leap from mental detachment to actual separation?

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 23/05/2015 14:00

Jesus, all these posters telling you to leave him. I feel a little sorry for him myself

I'm interested in why prolong a dead marriage? When they could both go out and find someone that suits them better and both be happy.

JessiePinkman · 23/05/2015 14:07

I feel for you, I'm in the same situation & can't bear the thought of years of resentment ahead Flowers
I'm off love. This isn't a marriage
Where do you actually go though? Or when you ask them to leave where are they supposed to go?

Noneedtoworryatall · 23/05/2015 14:14

Well I think if your the person that wants out then it's you who packs up and leaves.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 23/05/2015 14:19

OP I know you have said he's not abusive, at least not to you but listen to your own comments:

"walking on eggshells, wondering when his mood is going to change again...."

"Nobody would dream of speaking to another adult in the way he speaks to them..."

"he has been unreasonably shouty with them, even when they were little..."

"even though he called one of them 'that horrible child' in their hearing..."

I'm sorry but I would not want my DC around someone who treats them like this.

Handywoman · 23/05/2015 14:35

I'm with you Hearts

I think this man has killed the marriage by a thousand cuts (and a thousand 'bad moods')

There's nothing to stay for, here, I think.

AlternativeTentacles · 23/05/2015 14:40

Well I think if your the person that wants out then it's you who packs up and leaves.

Yes. That is what the title of the thread is.

StaceyAndTracey · 23/05/2015 14:44

I think that generally the person who will have the kids the most of the time is one who stays. Especially when one of the kids has SN. Lots of Aspies don't like changes in their routine , it would be a much bigger deal for him to move than his father .

Don't most parents wants what's best for their kids ? It's not about who technically initiates the split

Handywoman · 23/05/2015 15:54

Yes surely once the marriage is over, the next question is 'what's best for the dc?'?

I called time on my shitty marriage but I remain in the family home. He did the decent thing and left the house immediately because he is a Narc and would not accept being in separate rooms because what that would have done to his fragile self image

Original poster
ClaryLestrange · 23/05/2015 23:32

AlternativeTentacles, I have been doing precisely that for the past fortnight. It's liberating in itself. Anything that I wouldn't want to have to move is going. There is really very little that I need by way of possessions. You are absolutely right that we both deserve a proper relationship - my emotional detachment must be horrible for DH, and I would like him to find someone else. Though at the moment, I think that would be the last thing on his mind...

Honeyroar, I have a horror of finding myself in your parents' position. The thought of essentially wasting so many more years is dreadful. And part of me still thinks that would be better for the DC while another part of me thinks it would be better for them to see us both happy.

Handywoman, you are right about Daddy being in charge, even though one of his gripes is that he gets no say in anything at all (what does he expect, when he leaves me to do all the Aspergers stuff?) I find it very hard not to make snide remarks about his moods to the children (or, worse, do the awful 'wait til your father gets home' thing...)

OP posts:
AubergineDusk · 24/05/2015 13:22

Clary so much of what you are saying resonates with me. The walking on eggshells, excessive shouting, trying not to make remarks to the kids about his moods - DS2 (11) already looks at me and rolls his eyes when his dad is being unreasonable.

We were out yesterday evening and my parents looked after the kids. When we got back I went into the kitchen and Mum followed me to tell me that DS2 had accidentally broken a new garden container I'd bought that day - she wanted to tell me without H hearing as she knew how he'd react. That says it all doesn't it?

Was going to do gardening today but it's wet so I'm sorting out paperwork and filing - something I can do to get things in order. I've been doing the clearing out thing too - it does help :-)

Anniegetyourgun · 24/05/2015 13:42

Well I think if your the person that wants out then it's you who packs up and leaves.

Fortunately the law doesn't work like that (disclaimer: may depend on which country you're in). Otherwise the shittier-behaved partner would always get to keep the marital home.

Original poster
ClaryLestrange · 24/05/2015 14:14

Weirdly, I have only just seen some of the posts on here Confused

Aubergine, my DC do that all the time (tell me when something is broken etc as they know how Daddy will react). I so sympathise with you.

Jessie, I feel for you too. I have also wondered about where you go or where he goes. We couldn't afford to rent a separate property so would have to live together until we can sell the house (though we could then both buy something small without a mortgage).

Noneedtoworry - when I say an affair would be possible, what I mean is that I would, to my horror, not say no if it were offered. But if this friendship is an emotional affair, it is entirely one-sided as it wouldn't even occur to my friend to think of me in that way. Not least because I am married (so far as he knows...) FWIW I feel partly sorry for DH too - even though this is half of his making.

OP posts:
Nellagain · 24/05/2015 14:24

I grew up in that sort of atmosphere.

Believe me your dc know exactly what is happening and if you split they will quite possibly feel anxiety at having to spend time with dh rather than blame you.

My dp stayed together. They're relationship is still tetchy.

Original poster
ClaryLestrange · 24/05/2015 14:59

Nellagain, maybe you are right. They only want to be with me at the mo, though DC2 is very considerate and tries to include DH and get us to hug one another (which we do, awkwardly, when he asks us). Think he is possibly also aware there are problems and is trying to fix them, though.

It's particularly sad as my parents have been married for 45 years and are still happy. I don't know how I have failed to replicate this.

OP posts:
Nellagain · 24/05/2015 15:04

But no one is a carbon copy of their parent. Thank god in.my case! I have a very different marriage to.my parents and dc who can speak up for themselves and feel confident to argue an alternative opinion. (Which is uniquely irritating and gratifying at the same time)

My dp would have split up but that my df was critically ill at 50. In fairness this probably saved my relationship with him but it left my dm as his main carer. I have now given up working out the denies of their Marriage. I have over the years wondered how happy my dm is though.

Nellagain · 24/05/2015 15:05

The dynamics ..Hmm

peppajay · 24/05/2015 18:04

Wow OP I am in exactly the same situation as you. I have a son of 7 with aspergers and another child and dh can't cope with my son especially. He constantly shouts and moans at them. Unfortunately for him they are not sit in front of tv or computer game type of children so when he is home they relish his attention and he can't give any positive praise or affection to them just moans at them to be quiet and not be messy. We are not intimate at all and he avoids family life at all costs I hate bank holiday weekends as means there are more opportunities to be together but it doesn't work. I often think of leaving but don't have the guts. He has said if we did split up he wouldn't see the kids as he can't cope so I would feel guilty depriving them of their dad because for some reason though he is always moaning and does very little with them they still dote on him. We have discussed splitting up but he won't leave as he loves the house and he feels he has worked hard to make it nice and then the kids ruin it by getting their toys out and make it look like a playgroup!! I have suggested counselling but he won't do it so I am going to go alone to see if they can help. An absolutely horrible situation to be in PM me if you want to talk some more xx

Original poster
ClaryLestrange · 25/05/2015 09:50

Nell, it does not help my situation that DH has also been ill recently (not critically, but enough to make me feel bad about leaving him). It is an added complication.

Peppajay, I feel for you. Family time doesn't work for us at all - though it works for the DC and me. Typically, I am going out with them today while DH is on the computer working. I would feel cross with him about it, only I am relieved as I know we will have a better time without him.

I hope counselling helps you, even if you go alone. My fear is that DH and I are beyond counselling, but I know it helps lots of couples.

OP posts:
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