Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am a needy person - help?

31 replies

hannah0030 · 20/05/2015 22:41

I am my default a needy person - it's part of my personality. I like attention, and seek it from partners at a high level. I know it's not desirable though, and I hate making my OH feel put upon. I love my OH, we are very well suited and we have a blast - but sometimes I do demand too much of his time and attention. I recognise this flaw in me - how can I get better?

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 20/05/2015 22:46

Stop being so needy?

You know the answer, so stop yourself before you do it.

Faithless · 20/05/2015 22:48

Hi,
Can you give us some examples and context? Who says you are 'needy"?

Original poster
hannah0030 · 20/05/2015 22:50

I guess it's mainly in terms of contact - me and my OH are long distance, and if we haven't spoken for a while I'm always the one to text first / ask what he is up to / when are next going to chat. OH hasn't used the word needy, but says at times he feels pressured into talking when he is busy etc

OP posts:
Original poster
hannah0030 · 20/05/2015 22:51

I guess yeah, I know what the problem and answer is, I just find it hard to hold back sometimes. I need some sort of mechanism on my phone that says 'are you sure you want to send that message' before I actually do.

OP posts:
Isetan · 20/05/2015 22:58

Your example doesn't scream extreme neediness, do you have any other examples? If you indeed have a problem, then you need professional support in finding and addressing the source of your fears.

confusedoflondon · 21/05/2015 11:17

My relationship is currently long distance too OP. If you can reframe your thought process about texting etc and think of your DP as one of your mates ie you probably wouldn't get needy on them and ask when you were going to see/speak to them next you would just trust that you would see them soon and if you hear from them in between that's a bonus. Really really saviour the time you spend with DP and in between focus on enjoying missing him so the anticipation builds for you and him when you see each other next .

confusedoflondon · 21/05/2015 11:19

Oh and let him text first, however long it takes. And answer graciously but wrap it up quickly, that shows you respect his time and his schedule (as well as your own). He'll soon make time to speak to you if you back off and let him initiate it.

Original poster
hannah0030 · 21/05/2015 11:22

Yeah isetan it's just that! But I do feel like even though not extreme neediness, does need some addressing on my behalf. And yeah confused, I think it is because of being LD, but I'll make a proper effort to make sure I think before I type!

OP posts:
confusedoflondon · 21/05/2015 11:26

I have to stop myself messaging DP constantly too so I know where you are but I do find if I leave him to it for a few days he comes back keener. I read a thing about respecting his man headspace or some such and not to be scared of silence for a few days and assume the worst and I have to say its rung true for me we are (so far!!) very happy and I actually feel more secure for being quite able to be out of touch at times. If that makes sense.

confusedoflondon · 21/05/2015 11:27

We do see each other every week though so I realise it may be different for you.

Original poster
hannah0030 · 21/05/2015 11:27

Yes it does! After being needy and messaging sometimes I feel a bit down and like ugh I've just made him message me and it doesn't have the same nice feeling as coming together after a bit of absence! Thank you confused :)

OP posts:
Original poster
hannah0030 · 21/05/2015 11:28

We see each other once a month, so a bit further apart, but I think it still applies :)

OP posts:
confusedoflondon · 21/05/2015 11:35

as I say, I reckon just let him text first now - even if it takes a week! (It won't obviously!!). And when he does be gracious and lovely and flirt a bit and then get out of there, leave him wanting , its actually quite fun again once you get a handle on it and enjoy his texts instead of him and you feeling that you must be in touch or its gone to s*it. Relax and enjoy it ??. For what it's worth I think we are living the dream with LD relationships - we get all the fun and anticipation and none of the everyday rubbishy stuff !!

GoatsDoRoam · 21/05/2015 11:56

Are you sure you're "needy"?

If you only see your SO once a month, it's natural to want to keep interactions going while you're apart.

Sure, let him take the lead on about half of the initiating. But perhaps you are being a bit harsh on yourself by calling yourself "needy".

Original poster
hannah0030 · 21/05/2015 12:04

Thanks goats, maybe I am being unnecessarily harsh. It's just my OH doesn't need lots of contact, so it's often me pushing for a FaceTime, or messaging first. It's not a big big deal, I just want to feel more comfortable leaving be for a while, and get better at LD :)

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 21/05/2015 12:28

The detail here does not indicate you are needy. I'm not saying you're not, I've no idea, but in this instance I think it's the situation here that's making you feel needy.

You're in a ldr with someone who doesn't sound that committed and you're only seeing them once a month. For many totally non-needy people that would not work.

Perhaps accept this isn't working for you and find a partner nearer home?
Or relocate...

viva100 · 21/05/2015 12:32

Hmmm...in the beginning of our relationship, DP and I had to be away from each other for about 2 months at a time, several times. Whenever we were away we spoke on average every 2 days. We texted each other whenever we wanted to talk and sometimes we talked 3 times a day as something very important was happening and I needed someone to talk to. Neither of us was needy, we were just very close and enjoyed each other's company. We never ever bothered each other at work or when we knew the other was doing something (i.e. at a family event). So i'm not sure why you think you're needy, how often do you text him?

Original poster
hannah0030 · 21/05/2015 12:44

We text every morning and every evening, and he is very committed to that :) That's all fine, but after we've been apart 2/3 weeks I start feeling the absence more strongly and like to text during the daytime, wanting more little chats, just saying silly little things you know. But he says it makes him feel pressured to reply (I don't know where that pressure comes from - I don't get upset if he can't reply, or if I have, it's always been because of circumstances like I was upset about something urgent etc).

OP posts:
Lavenderice · 21/05/2015 14:44

I agree with the others that what you've described doesn't seem particularly needy, but there could be other things we don't know. I'm the exact opposite I don't need daily contact and demands for it makes me very irritable. If you ARE needy then it's great thT you've recognised the issue, but maybe you need to re-evaluate whether this person is right for you.

GoatsDoRoam · 21/05/2015 14:50

But he says it makes him feel pressured to reply (I don't know where that pressure comes from - I don't get upset if he can't reply, or if I have, it's always been because of circumstances like I was upset about something urgent etc).

See, with what you describe here, I would say that his feelings are his to own: if he feels "pressured" when you're genuinely not pushing him for a reply, and is asking you to stop texting so that he doesn't have to feel pressured... you know, he can work on controlling his own emotions, rather than pushing those feelings onto you instead.

Gralick · 21/05/2015 15:03

Hannah, my love, I think your boyfriend is currently less involved than you are. His 'need' is for your relationship to take up only 20% (or whatever) of his mental/emotional space. Your % need seems a little higher.

Nothing you've written yet suggests 'neediness'. It looks far more like differing levels of engagement with your relationship.

You can back off from additional contact by distracting yourself - talk to a friend instead, go running, beat a work deadline, give yourself a pedicure, and whatever works for you :) Only do this if the relationship still works for you at his (lower) acceptable level. If nothing changes, or you start feeling like you're playing a game, you might be better off with a more available man.

Gralick · 21/05/2015 15:08

From Natalie Lue's Baggage Reclaim site: Common one-liners that indicate commitment and availability issues (PDF)

GoatsDoRoam · 21/05/2015 15:10

^Yup. Well spoken, Gralick.

It's totally ok to have different needs in a relationship, and different levels of need over a certain thing (like contact, in this case). It doesn't make you needy. It just possibly makes the pair of you incompatible.

You are never at fault for having needs of your own.

Skiptonlass · 21/05/2015 15:25

You don't come across as needy to me.

I've spent long periods apart from my oh. We text as and when we like. The assumption is one can natter away all they like and the other will pick it up when they have time. There's never any pressure to reply instantly... I think you need to look at how into the relationship this bloke is, unless you're needy in other ways you're not telling us, I don't see you at fault herr

DubbyDubby · 21/05/2015 16:58

Agree with the differing needs comment above.

I may be about to project my own experience on to yours now, but maybe it will be of some use as I think it describes a fairly typical dynamic.

I used to go out with a man who I experienced as 'needy' (horrible word). In reality, it just meant that he wanted more contact than I did, nothing wrong with that. Unfortunately it was how we both perceived and reacted to each others behaviour which started causing the problem.

He perceived my behaviour as a rejection. Which it really really wasn't. But he reacted to this feeling of rejection by sending more messages or by being sulky when we did see each other.

I would then perceive his behaviour as 'needy' and 'demanding', felt I couldn't do anything right and would feel under enormous pressure to contact him on his time scales, which I resented. So I would withdraw and want to text him even less when I felt like that.

And round and round we went!

You need to sit down and have a honest chat with him about your expectations versus his expectations regarding contact and get on the same page. Put some structure in so you both know what to expect from each other. Be honest and say that after a few weeks of being apart you would like to up the contact to maintain the connection between you. Agree some times which suit both of you, and stick to them. Be respectful of each other in terms of both contact AND space.

Good luck