Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice on a relationship stalemate please ladies.. school choice vs everything else

34 replies

jockmurray6969 · 20/05/2015 22:27

Ok.. here's the gist

I'm in love with C (the name I'll use here)
We met last year, and things went great.

I was looking to buy a new place to live and that's where the it all went so badly wrong

Ok, here's the crux

I'm doing well, I'm in my early 40's and making 40-50k a year in a great job. C is a nurse. Struggling financially, and lives in a rented house in a not so nice part of town. (it's rough..)
C has a 10year old daugther. Who I love, and we get on great, she's been a single mum since 6months and only wants whats best for her daughter understandably, but does doing everything that her daughter wants equal whats best?

Now, C want's me to buy a house so the daughter can go to the school she wants to, no ifs no buts, still close to where she lives
School is ok, not outstanding, in an up and coming part of town. Still rough in my opinion.

I'm refusing point blank.
A- it's my money, as she can't get a mortgage (credit probs) and I feel I should have some say in where I live
B- houses in the area are ridiculously overpriced. I want a nice house, with a garden, garage and nice countryside. Which I can afford, but just not in the area for the school

other complication is my job has taken me abroad before and may do again, to a lovely part of France.. (big money, 4-5 year contract, house subidised, schooling paid for.. etc etc.)
But again, up pops the "she only wants to go to school x"

So my dreams options and possibilities seem irrelevant.
I grew up moving a few times, and to no detriment to my education, I did really well, have friends from school still.

Speaking as mothers.. is she mad? or why can't i get her to see we could all have a fab life somewhere else. Yes, new school maybe, but her daughter would soon settle and make new friends surely..should both her and I give up everything in life over a school and her school friends..
I only get one shot at life..and I see the two paths having very different outcomes

Help, as I fear I'll lose the woman I love, as we both seem entrenched in the opposite positions

OP posts:
KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 20/05/2015 22:36

You met a year ago. All of this long term life decision stuff is much too much, much too fast.

You do what is right for you. She does what is right for her and her daughter.

If you are still together in a year or two then that would be the life decision time.

AtomicDog · 20/05/2015 22:40

If she's renting already, why wouldn't she just rent closer so she can get DD in? Confused
It doesn't need to be a big place if there's only her and DD.

intlmanofmystery · 20/05/2015 22:47

Apologies for the male perspective here but she may be seeing you as a walking bank account, how else could she afford to buy a house near where she wants her daughter to go to school?

As for your points A and B, I agree completely. I have also lived and worked in France and would move there in a heartbeat.

Totally agree with Ketchup, you are too early into the relationship. Feels like blackmail to me with early evidence of demanding/controlling behaviour. Sorry mate but not sure she is "the one"...

AlternativeTentacles · 20/05/2015 22:50

The daughter is 10. She has no idea what others schools are out there.

As a stepparent, if you bow to this, you will have the 10 yr old running rings around you both forever.

Far too early to be buying a house together. Why not rent together for a time and see if you are compatible? And base your decision on the joint situation, not just on the 10 yr old's demands.

MinimumPayment · 20/05/2015 22:54

I'm not male, but I'm inclined to agree with intlman.

What happens if you buy the house you want in the area you want to live in, does she refuse to live with you and carry on struggling in her rented place? If you take the job in France would you expect them both to come with you, after only (less than?) 1 year?

Gileswithachainsaw · 20/05/2015 22:54

way way way too much.

It's been a year (or maybe less?) and not only have you met the dd she wants demands you buy a house so you can all move in together and she's already worked out where and why?

no way on earth should you have zero say in where or have to sacrifice everything you want. I'm afraid she's after your bank balance not you.

no one's that closed off to compromising or discussing what the options are. I fear she's had this planned a long time for when she met someone.

thehumanjam · 20/05/2015 22:56

She wants you to buy her a house? Hmm.

Walk away. Actually don't do that. Run away.

jockmurray6969 · 20/05/2015 23:14

I suppose I just wanted to be in a relationship where we live together..

So, the fear I have is 10 year old (who want to go to that school to be with her friends) runs my life

I'm just sad, as maybe a lot of what you said is true..
I'm a cash machine

She doesn't want me to buy her a house.. I'm buying one.. but the suggestion is if it's further out I will never see her.

I just wish I could give her the crystal ball that I have :-)

I think her and her daughter would have a better life with me in it, where I want to be.. as opposed to a rough house, in a crap area, just for schools

Anyway, appreciate all the advice, I just wanted to make sure I wasn't going mental

Time to move on I fear..

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 20/05/2015 23:19

Yes, it is time to move on.
Because you supposedly love this woman and her child, and because they disagree with you, your response is that you should move on.
Not that you should just slow dins and postpone a big decision that you don't agree on. That's being taken far too early anyway.

You don't sound like you love her at all Hmm

intlmanofmystery · 20/05/2015 23:23

It sounds like they would have a much better life with you in it. But what about you? Would you be happy living in an area where you don't want to be and at the whim of a 10 year old girl who isn't even yours? Sorry to be so blunt.

Relationships are about compromise and if your OH is not prepared to look beyond the local area and school then you are a bit stuck. I would buy the house you want, where you want and if she doesn't visit you know exactly where you stand. Been there, done that

jockmurray6969 · 20/05/2015 23:37

Well Cabrihna

I'm glad you seem to know more about my heart than I do.
I'm only contemplating moving on, simply as I don't want to spend years trying to move a relationship forward that will never move forward

I know what I feel, but the heart in my case doesn't rule the head

OP posts:
Springtimemama · 20/05/2015 23:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cabrinha · 20/05/2015 23:51

I don't know more about your heart than you do, but are you posting for opinions or not?
Sometimes a stranger's take can be useful.
No need to be arsey or defensive.
If you love someone, you'll look for a compromise.
You might decide there's no compromise to be had and go your separate ways, sure.
But it doesn't come across from what you've said like there's any idea of compromise on your side.

You're not just asking her to move to a different area of town. You're talking about upping sticks to move abroad for a few years. That's a big deal!
I've lived in 4 different countries. I actually agree with you that it can be amazing. But it's not for everyone. Why would she move across town for you, take her daughter away from friends, when you might want to upsticks to France anyway?

Given that you're uncertain on which country to live in, why wouldn't you move to her area?

senua · 21/05/2015 00:04

Is there no compromise? Nowhere which has a nice house which meets your requirements and a good school?
Alternatively, can you sub her for a bit to rent somewhere else to get into the right school catchment and then move to the purchased property after she has secured her school place? (which fits in with the chorus' demand to sloooow down )

jockmurray6969 · 21/05/2015 00:10

Quite true..
I appreciate all the opinions..sorry if I sounded defensive

I'm maybe a snob, but her area isn't the nicest. It's the highest crime area locally, and it's deep in the city. I'm more a country boy.

When I stay at hers, I never feel safe and settled. It may sound trivial but a home needs to feel secure

I'd want nothing more than us to go together to France, so I just thought we could have an adventure together. I'd be earning enough for her to stop work and spend more time with her daughter, and it's a lovely area.
I know families whose kids went to the international schools there, and they've grown up being bilingual, having a few more options with education and careers of their own

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 21/05/2015 00:15

I think buying a house for a 10 year old a year into a relationship is barmy.

If you get a job abroad the relationship may end anyway.

It doesn't even sound like it's a good school.

Twinklestein · 21/05/2015 00:19

I would think the likelihood of it working in France, or them even agreeing to go is fairly small.

Unless they already speak French, many English people struggle with learning languages. Unless gf puts mahoosive effort into learning French, she won't pick it up and will be isolated by the language barrier.

Coyoacan · 21/05/2015 04:06

I must admit being a SAHM mother in a country where you didn't know anyone or the language wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea.

madwomanbackintheattic · 21/05/2015 04:49

Does she get to carry on her career in France, notwithstanding the school decision?
I have lost count of the number of settings my kids have been educated in - I think dd1 is in her 9th school, but not sure. They don't usually get to choose, but two years ago she asked to move, we considered it, visited the school and agreed. In fact, the other two have moved there as well now, one willingly, one not so willingly (although he likes it well enough now).

That said, I can appreciate that other people have different relationships with their kids and for various reasons might give them more of a voice.

In all honesty, if you are seriously considering moving in and making this a permanent relationship, perhaps you should all three be making some time to look at different schools, looking at houses in different areas (take a few weekends and go house hunting, see what comes up) and all three of you should be talking, listening to each, and trying to work out what everyone wants.

For a ten year old, the familiar is often the most important thing, possibly out of fear of the unfamiliar. If you go into it as an exploration of different areas, houses, schools etc, you might all be surprised at the different possibilities that open up.

But whatever you do, don't go into it as a coercion exercise. And be as open minded yourself as you are wanting the ten yo and her mother to be.

Completely open.

Go have some fun and look around and see whether you can cobble together a future that everyone finds exciting, without preconceived ideas.

madwomanbackintheattic · 21/05/2015 04:53
Whatamayday · 21/05/2015 05:10

If the mother is adamant she knows which school she wants her daughter to go to that is up to her. Many parents are the same. They want stability for their dc and they allow their dc to have their say.

It doesn't sound like either of you want to compromise.

getyourgeekon · 21/05/2015 05:27

Your posts all sound very rational and reasonable but they feel like they are missing any genuine understanding/desire to understand your girlfriend's perspective.
Why might she have such strong feelings about this (other than seeing you as a walking bank account - nice assumption)? This alone is enough to say it's waaay too soon to be taking such a big step as moving in.

Maybe she feels unsafe in the countryside in the same way you do in the city. Maybe there was a lot of upheaval when her DD was small and security and continuity are really important to her. Maybe she values what she has now a great deal? A ten year old is dependent on the adults in their lives to make the best decisions for their wellbeing. I imagine your GF has her own reasons for feeling so strongly.

I find discussion of moving to France really patronising. These are two human beings with feelings and opinions as valid as your own. Yes, international school for 4 years can be amazing but it certainly isn't for everyone.

fortunately · 21/05/2015 05:32

This has got disaster written all over it.

You want different things. Move on.

(I'll have you. I live your French life with my dd Smile)

ItsRainingInBaltimore · 21/05/2015 05:53

I think this is the first thread I've ever read where someone is insisting on staying in a rough shitty area to guarantee access to a very average school. Grin

I think people are being a bit harsh on the mum, she's not demanding he buys her a house exactly where she wants it. What is happening here is that the OP would like them to set up home together and be a family, and wants to buy a new house for the three of them. Great. His girlfriend wants this too, except that she wants to maintain stability and a sense of familiarity for her DD and doesn't want to take risks by ripping her out of her comfort zone and making everything all about the new man.

I totally get this and I wish more lone parents would think like her instead of bending to the demands and whims of whichever bloke is flavour of the month, to the detriment of the children's wellbeing. Especially as the relationship is still quite new - what if it doesn't work out and the girlfriend and the DD are stuck somewhere rural or foreign where they have no support network?

jock you are assuming that the daughter is controlling all of this, but perhaps it's not like that at all - perhaps your girlfriend has some reservations about being railroaded into something she's not sure about yet herself. Perhaps her stance is 'Yes, I will move in with you if you decide to buy a house very near to where I live now, but not otherwise. I'm not prepared to uproot DD and we both like it here. Take it or leave it.'

What's so wrong with that? Confused

If she's always been a single mum working shifts she probably needs to know that whatever happens between the two of you, she can fall back on her old routine, her friends and neighbours and her local support network. It sounds like she is happy with the prospective new school, not just her DD, and that she quite likes her life how it is. I think she wants to hedge her bets by agreeing to slot you into her existing life without having to change much else, but that is her prerogative and i can't say I blame her at this stage. If you've struggled to keep it all together as a single mum for so long, you don't just give up that independence and any element of control over your own future on a whim - or at least you shouldn't, if you have any sense.

I don't think you have children of your own by the sounds of things so maybe you can't really understand how important it is that she wants to do what makes her child happy. It's not about indulging her, it's about recognising that just because you have the power to play God with your child's life to suit your own whims, doesn't mean you always should. Just because 'on paper' you can see how moving away would be a 'better life' for her DD, doesn't change the fact that the DD won't see it that way, and her mother knows that.

Of course if a child's parents are together and they choose to relocate or choose a different school then that has to be their prerogative, but the child still has the stability and the familiarity of the family unit being a constant, without the added risks of a new relationship and a new step-parent, so it's less bad iyswim.

I think you probably should not place too much importance on France right now. It may never happen, and if your girlfriend is objecting to moving to another town or village I doubt she'll be up for moving abroad so if the job offer does come up you might be having to choose between it and her anyway.

It sounds like you are getting a bit carried away with a fairytale vision of how you want your life to be together. You seem to see yourself as her knight in shining armour and I get the impression that you feel she should be so grateful to be 'rescued' and taken care of that she should be happy to just hand over the reins to you to make all the decisions going forward.

I think you should slow down a bit and not put pressure on one another either way. I certainly don't think you should buy a house in an area you are not happy with., that would be madness, unless you genuinely think it would be a good financial investment to be sold or rented out later - and that may well be the case.

Why don't you look for a compromise by buying a house in a nicer area within reasonable commuting distance of the school, let her stay in a rented place within catchment of the school until the place is secure, and then they can move in with you and commute?

Or if no compromise on area can be found that is near enough to the school, you buy a house where you want to live, maybe rent it out and live with her in the short term, or just visit them a few times a week? Then take a view on it in a year or two. By that stage if the France thing becomes a reality then it will be make or break time for the relationship anyway. She'll either feel comfortable/committed enough to agree to go with you, or she won't, but at least if you break up you won't be stuck with house in a place you hate.

Cabrinha · 21/05/2015 08:22

She's a nurse, she trained hard for that.
Why would she want to be a SAHM to a 10yo in a foreign country Hmm
You think that's an amazing opportunity without considering her viewpoint.

As I say, I've worked abroad. Including France as it happens. I speak enough French to be confident I could brush it up and live there. You know what? It's pretty low down the list of European countries I'd want to work in again.

If your girlfriend posted saying she was chucking her job in to move to France without speaking French, her 10yo didn't want to and it was all for you and - oh yes, she'd been with you a YEAR, the majority of replies would be be very very careful.

You think you're right about her moving to France. Yet... You are prepared to dump her because she chooses city over country. Which I'm guessing is closer to work for her.

Even if France is a great opportunity, all that comes across to me is that you want what you want.