"But we took you to Stately Homes!" Survivors of Dystfunctional Families

[Meerka]

It's May 2015, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
March 2015

Dec 14- March 15

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller

Personality Disorders definition

More helpful links:

Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker

Some books:

Homecoming
Will I ever be good enough?
If you had controlling parents
When you and your mother can't be friends
Children of the self-absorbed
Recovery of your inner child

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

happy for what it's worth, your childhood sounds bad enough that I think this organisation will definitely want to help you.

It's interesting what you and pocketsaviour are saying about the less bad parent - I was thinking about that. When my dad got ill a few years ago and eventually died, DH and I talked about him a lot and I was surprised that DH's view of him was a lot more negative than mine. When I was a kid I thought of us as two unfortunates trapped by my mother but now I'm a parent myself I know it's more complicated than that.

On that quote about "you don't know what your mum did for love until you have kids yourself" etc - yeah, I read that in a pregnancy book and it made me want to punch someone. The idea that having children would make me think my mother's behaviour was justified... it almost put me off having kids. Of course now I have kids and I know better than ever that that's just not how you treat a child. What scares me is that I have a bad temper, I am in a shitty place in my life right now and I can see exactly how easy it would be to go from my own feelings of low self-worth to getting frustrated with the kids and expressing my anger in a really horrible way. "Just" words, but the words are in my head, I heard them all the time. I'd never be able to wage the 3 or 4 day campaigns of rage and silence my mother chose to control us with but I could say some horrible things. You know especially now my kids are pre-schoolers and they can pick up tone and stuff, I can see how to be a good parent, to be consistent in your discipline and to be positive and to give them what they need in terms of attention and love without giving in to 100000 toddler demands every day. I just don't know where I'm going to get all that positivity! This is why I am currently trying to heal my head .

although the digs and the little things to hurt me but not enough to get mad about are still there

they will be hurting you more than you realise, happybubble.

Once people do go LC (and then quite often move to NC after a while) they find that the air they are breathing is so much fresher, that their lives are so much freer and better, and they gain so much more self-esteem.

honestly, being put down all the time erodes your confidence a lot more than you realise at the time. it's when it stops and you have a few months without it that you realise how very, veyr much better life is for you (and often for the people around you; when you're being undercut and dragged down by the death of a thousand papercuts, it does have an effect on you. It's inevitable. People are often SO MUCH happier once they're out of the situation, and that shows).

www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/if-your-childhood-sucked-its-time-to-stop-blaming-your-parents.html this was the parent blaming article by the way. Any thoughts on it?

Hi Atilla, there are happy memories too and I do feel like my parents did what that knew and of course had it worse (they really did).
I did tell my mum that she says all these things about me but if someone as kind and loving as dh sees me as a good person I can't be that bad.

The huge rows with had have come from when I've put up boundaries and she didn't like it, so I'm expecting more of the same, she's very good at turning people against me and has a huge family ready to drag me back in who are all oblivious to the truth.

My 2 youngest siblings still live with her and I've always felt like they were her babies and me and the older sibling weren't supposed to be part of her family, I'd say younger 2 are golden children and older 1 depends on what she wants I guess, he's in a very dysfunctional relationship and tbh isn't very nice to me or my kids, he is starting to see her for what she is but I think he is a lot more messed up than me, I won't go into what he's done as that's his story to tell but it hasn't been pretty. My younger 2 adore my kids and I don't want to take them away from them but they are completely dependant on my mum despite being adults. So I cut her off I lose them.

You are right she doesn't care I'm hurt as she's has shown before she scarily doesn't even see that I even have feelings x

Toomuchtoold, thank you, I think I will give them a ring next time I'm child free.

It is easy to do I guess when one parent are so obviously awful but looking back I'm not surprised my dad drank, she shows him no love either and isn't very nice to him. He can't do anything right.

That quote makes me sick, and there are so many along those lines floating around, my mum will share them occasionally lol!!! I think it's a case of see my mum and my childhood for what it is so I can get better and do better for my kids or just accept it was normal and therefore treat my children the same and become more damaged myself and obviously we all have to choose ourselves in that situation if only for the kids. Xxx

Hi Meerka, I dream of moving far away and getting away from her like that without argument or anything and eventually we just lose contact! But it's not going to happen, I think I at least need to step back and see how I feel after a year or so just to see how I feel in myself away from her and if it's her or I really do just have issues.

Death by a thousand papercuts is spot on. I've always thought I'd be able to get over everything that happened as a child if she just treated me well now but she doesn't xxx

Hi happybubble,

re your comment:-
"Hi Atilla, there are happy memories too and I do feel like my parents did what that knew and of course had it worse (they really did)".

Not all abusive people are nasty all the time but the nice/nasty cycle of abuse is a continuous one. Its all rooted in power and control. It is still no justification for what they did and still do to you even now.

Their own families certainly did that lot of damage to them but you have actively chosen to not go down the same path with regards to your children. There is always a choice and your parents never sought the necessary help; they chose to continue the same old same old that they themselves were taught in childhood.

Many adults have had crappy childhoods in all sorts of ways but they do not all resort to abusing alcohol, drugs or abusing others as a way of having power and control over someone. What happened to you was in no way your fault; you were but a child. They let you down abjectly.

hmmm.

it's rather coarsely written.

There is a grain of truth in it to some degree - but it's taken one angle and not the whole picture. Anyone can take and twist something to distort the picture.

When you are damaged by your parents, you have to try to repair that damage. Denying it usually leads to a great deal of extra pain, and sometimes that pain spills over onto others. Sometimes, facing your pain and hurt and the damaged foundations of your self, your personality and character and emotions, is the responsible thing to do.

At the extreme, there was someone here who posted that the only topic of conversation her father had was about his childhood wrongs. he even tried to delay her from taking her mother, who was being investigated for cancer so that he could rant. Now when you get to -that- stage, yes, the article writer has a point.

You however are at the very beginning of your journey to clarity. This absolutely does not apply to you.

Frankly, for your mother to send you that sounds a lot like it was in her interests, not yours: blame-shifting.

er. that should read tried to delay her taking her mother to a hospital appt for cancer investigations because he wanted to rant about his childhood. He didn't like it that he was the centre of attention.

It is right to give yourself time to face the hurts caused. You can't heal unless you face what happened and how you feel. It remains a wound with a bandage on, otherwise. Usually a rather thin bandage, and a ulcer of a wound.

Thank you Atilla, she definitely goes in a cycle still now. She really is so textbook narcissistic but I feel so guilty labeling her in such a way. You have been so helpful and I already feel my head clearing. It's times like the other day something bad happened and I knew I couldn't talk to her as she would be so smug and all look your life isn't perfect after all is it. She would also have used it against me in our next argument. And told everyone about it.I feel like if you have a normal loving mother you should be able to go to them no matter what and they would be there for you and not judge and do their best to help. Sorry for the rambles it's just good to get it out xxx

Hi Meerka, I do definitely see where the author is coming from but it's one thing to try and get your head together by seeing the truth of what happened in order to heal and completely another to spend your whole life messing up without trying to sort your head out and blaming every bad thing on your parents. It scares me she sees it that way as I said I have a great life, in fact my mum etc are the only real big problem. I rarely talk about my childhood tbh so I'm definitely not nagging people ears off whilst more important things are happening!! I'm just trying to heal the hole in my heart so I can make sure I don't put a hole in my children's, I'm taking responsibility for that and tbh she always says well I had it worse whilst continuing to screw up so who's the parent blamer really lol xxx

It's funny as I wouldn't have realised that last bit if I hadn't been trying to explain it to you, writing it out is putting things straight in my head. Xxx

I'm afraid I would go cross eyed if I read all 32 pages - but I had a good crack at it! Have been on MN for eons but was a bit absent (due to mother-induced headfuckery) for a couple of years. During that time I had a breakdown, then a revelation, met a lovely man who moved me to the other end of the country away from the old witch and have been slowly patching myself up again!
I have some wonderful friends who have some social contact with my mother and they let me know that she had been doing her "I'm so concerned about Asteria..." Routine again. She has couched some pretty vile insults within these concerns; from my being a compulsive liar and a social climber to actually accusing me of being sexually predatory towards other women's partners/husbands. I am none of these things and she is all of them. I had to confront her but at the point I was I realised that telling her she upset me was just going to fuel her more, so I (rather shamefully) played on her biggest fears and told her "I'm really concerned because people have mentioned that you are saying some pretty unpleasant things about me - I have known about it for years and don't care what you say, but it is making you look like a really mean person. People don't talk about their children like that" she actually flew at me and then screamed and shouted like I had never seen before. I felt bad for playing on her insecurity, but after nearly 40 years of abuse I had had enough. I managed a month of NC before she stopped taking her blood pressure pills and was rushed into hospital. Part of me feels she did this to punish me and guilt trip me into calling her - she had called repeatedly only to be fielded by DH who always said I was out/asleep. Funnily enough she referred to our discussion as "the day I was ill"!!
The thing is that now the flying monkeys (I have 4 siblings) are circling. What on earth do I do to prevent all out war? I don't want to cut them out of my life and have come to terms with the fact that some LC with mother dearest is the only way i will be able to maintain contact with them. I'm not sure how much "you only have one mother and she would die for you" crap I can hear!
The deepest joy is that even after disentangling myself from this mess I have to help DH deal with the ea that the dsc are experiencing from their mother! At least I have insight

"you only have one mother and she would die for you"

It's true she'll risk her life, but it's not for you, it's to control you. Of course you know that. So many people think that attachment is the same as caring and that by default a mother who's emotionally involved in your life must be doing good. Oh, if only.

Hi Asteria,

re your comment:-

The thing is that now the flying monkeys (I have 4 siblings) are circling. What on earth do I do to prevent all out war? I don't want to cut them out of my life and have come to terms with the fact that some LC with mother dearest is the only way i will be able to maintain contact with them. I'm not sure how much "you only have one mother and she would die for you" crap I can hear!

The above is unfortunately all very much typical of life within a narcissistic family structure.

You cannot though prevent all out war; that has already happened. Your mother will use these well meaning but manipulated people to get back at you; the flying monkeys are also acting in their own interests and certainly not yours. It may ultimately come to pass that you only have a relationship with say one or perhaps two of your siblings; the rest of them will side with Mother Dearest so as not to be targeted themselves. The ones who are most like her will never side with you. If they keep repeating the "you only have one mother" shtick then these people will have to be ignored as well. They really do not bring anything positive into your life.

You need to protect your own self here because they will bring you down as well; your siblings if already siding with mother will continue to do so (she's made one of more of them her golden children already), the ones who at heart are not will continue to be scapegoated.

Re this comment:-
"I had to confront her but at the point I was I realised that telling her she upset me was just going to fuel her more, so I (rather shamefully) played on her biggest fears and told her "I'm really concerned because people have mentioned that you are saying some pretty unpleasant things about me - I have known about it for years and don't care what you say, but it is making you look like a really mean person. People don't talk about their children like that" she actually flew at me and then screamed and shouted like I had never seen before. I felt bad for playing on her insecurity, but after nearly 40 years of abuse I had had enough. I managed a month of NC before she stopped taking her blood pressure pills and was rushed into hospital. Part of me feels she did this to punish me and guilt trip me into calling her - she had called repeatedly only to be fielded by DH who always said I was out/asleep. Funnily enough she referred to our discussion as "the day I was ill"!!".

You were not shameful in doing that but calling her on her own behaviour simply brought out her narcissistic rage (which is indeed frightening to behold).

Narcissists are generally contemptuous of others. This seems to spring, at base, from their general lack of empathy, and it comes out as (at best) a dismissive attitude towards other people's feelings, wishes, needs, concerns, standards, property, work, etc. It is also connected to their overall negative outlook on life.

Narcissists are (a) extremely sensitive to personal criticism and (b) extremely critical of other people. They think that they must be seen as perfect or superior or infallible, next to god-like (if not actually divine, then sitting on the right hand of God) or else they are worthless. There's no middle ground of ordinary normal humanity for narcissists. They can't tolerate the least disagreement. In fact, if you say, "Please don't do that again it hurts," narcissists will turn around and do it again harder to prove that they were right the first time; their reasoning seems to be something like "I am a good person and can do no wrong; therefore, I didn't hurt you and you are lying about it now..." sorry, folks, I get lost after that. Anyhow, narcissists are habitually cruel in little ways, as well as big ones, because they're paying attention to their fantasy and not to you, but the bruises on you are REAL, not in your imagination. Thus, no matter how gently you suggest that they might do better to change their ways or get some help, they will react in one of two equally horrible ways: they will attack or they will withdraw. Be wary of wandering into this dragon's cave narcissists will say ANYTHING, they will trash anyone in their own self-justification, and then they will expect the immediate restoration of the status quo. They will attack you (sometimes physically) and spew a load of bile, insult, abuse, contempt, threats, etc., and then -- well, it's kind of like they had indigestion and the vicious tirade worked like a burp: "There. Now I feel better. Where were we?" They feel better, so they expect you to feel better, too. They will say you are nothing, worthless, and turn around immediately and say that they love you. When you object to this kind of treatment, they will say, "You just have to accept me the way I am. (God made me this way, so God loves me even if you are too stupid to understand how special I am.)

Accepting them as they are (and staying away from them entirely) is excellent advice. The other "punishment" narcissists mete out is banishing you from their glorious presence this can turn into a farce, since by this point you are probably praying to be rescued, "Dear God! How do I get out of this?" The narcissist expects that you will be devastated by the withdrawal of her/his divine attention, so that after a while a few weeks or months (i.e., the next time the narcissist needs to use you for something) the narcissist will expect you to have learned your lesson and be eager to return to the fold. If you have learned your lesson, you won't answer that call. They can't see that they have a problem; it's always somebody else who has the problem and needs to change. Therapies work at all only when the individual wants to change and, though narcissists hate their real selves, they don't want to change they want the world to change. And they criticize, gripe, and complain about almost everything and almost everyone almost all the time. There are usually a favoured few whom narcissists regard as absolutely above reproach, even for egregious misconduct or actual crime, and about whom they won't brook the slightest criticism. These are people the narcissists are terrified of, though they'll tell you that what they feel is love and respect; apparently they don't know the difference between fear and love. Narcissists just get worse and worse as they grow older; their parents and other authority figures that they've feared die off, and there's less and less outside influence to keep them in check.

Narcissists are hostile and ferocious in reaction, but they are generally passive and lacking in initiative. They don't start stuff -- they don't reach out. Remember this when they turn and rend you! They will complain about the same things for years on end, but only rarely do anything to change what dissatisfies them so badly.

Run for cover when they start acting normal, maybe expressing a becoming self-doubt or even acknowledging some little fault of their own, such as saying they now realize that they haven't treated you right or that they took advantage of you before. They're just softening you up for something really nasty. These people are geniuses of "Come closer so I can slap you." Except that's not the way they think about it, if they think about it no, they're thinking, "Well, maybe you do really care about me, and, if you really care about me, then maybe you'll help me with this," only by "help" they mean do the whole thing, take total responsibility for it, including protecting and defending them and cleaning up the mess they've already made of it (which they will neglect to fill you in on because they haven't really been paying attention, have they, so how would they know??). They will not have considered for one second how much of your time it will take, how much trouble it may get you into in their behalf, that they will owe you BIG for this no, you're just going to do it all out of the goodness of your heart, which they are delighted to exploit yet again, and your virtue will be its own reward: it's supposed to just tickle you pink to be offered this generous opportunity of showing how much you love them and/or how lucky you are to be the servant of such a luminous personage. No lie they think other people do stuff for the same reason they do: to show off, to perform for an audience. That's one of the reasons they make outrageous demands, put you on the spot and create scenes in public: they're being generous they're trying to share the spotlight with you by giving you the chance to show off how absolutely stunningly devoted-to-them you are. It means that they love you; that's why they're hurt and bewildered when you angrily reject this invitation.

Re your mother's rushed into hospital moment, it is not unknown of these people to pull such a stunt by any means. I doubt very much that she was at all rushed in.

Asteria that comment was perfect to her, definitely going to say to it my mother next time I hear her nasty gossip about me to others, it's always baffled me that people hear what she says yet don't think gosh that's your daughter how could you say that!

As for the "you only have one mother" I just read through the my mother's so mean to me post and read the best reply which is "but you only have one life and it's to short to put up with someone who treats you badly" or similar. People with loving mothers can't imagine how a mum would be so nasty to their child, in fact looking at my kids I just don't get how you could, so I'm always questioning myself, am I being sensitive, have I got it all wrong.

Atilla you are full of so much wonderful advice and information! The whole it's like they had indigestion and felt better after a burp reminds me of my mum after our last argument whilst heavily pregnant and turning our whole family against me (well the ones she speaks to) she just expected everything to go back to normal and was taken by surprise when I said I didn't want to see her yet as I was still hurt (I also said nasty things I'm not denying that, but she genuinely didn't see how she had said anything wrong at all) she also snagged me off about how nasty I was being not letting her in at the birth and I was using it against her just to hurt her when truth is I didn't want her there at all, and had been planning a discussion with her. she had been there in previous births as I was scared to to say I didn't want her there. Xxx

I'm not sure how much "you only have one mother and she would die for you"

"Shame my mother spends so much of her time being nasty about me that I've had to step away. It's not fun, being anyone's target for nastiness.

If you don't believe me, step away mentally for a while. Look really hard at what she's saying about me. Would you put up with that from anyone? I'm afraid I can't. Life is too short"

Wow! I'm so glad I came back on here as all of these posts are reinforcing that I have done the right thing for me by cutting my M out of my life! Because she is, and always has been, dangerous for my own mental health.

The prospect of losing my brothers as well worried me greatly too. They indeed did act like flying monkeys for the first few years...but they too have been her victims and over time have come to understand my point of view. Every so often I will get a distressed call from one of them, though they cannot break away. They once asked me to see a therapist with them, with a view to somehow all coming together to cure our mother. I suddenly came over all articulate on the subject on why I'd made the choice I had to protect my self and my children. The therapist ended up advising them to take a leaf out of their sister's book!!!

Where all the self-doubt comes from happy bubbles is because they are our mother and their voice is somehow inside our heads laughing at our point of view, belittling our opinions and thoughts and saying 'God you're pathetic' or whatever. Then we question whether our own thoughts and feelings are valid. The trick I think is to somehow be able to recognise that little voice, ah yes that's my mother saying how wrong/pathetic/bad etc I am! Then dismiss that voice. Fuck off mother. And pay heed to our own voice and what it is saying.

Atilla you are a wonderfully knowledgable and articulate poster on this subject. Your words must be helping so many of us every day. Thank you

FB
Where all the self-doubt comes from happy bubbles is because they are our mother and their voice is somehow inside our heads laughing at our point of view, belittling our opinions and thoughts and saying 'God you're pathetic' or whatever. Then we question whether our own thoughts and feelings are valid. The trick I think is to somehow be able to recognise that little voice, ah yes that's my mother saying how wrong/pathetic/bad etc I am! Then dismiss that voice. Fuck off mother. And pay heed to our own voice and what it is saying.

Yes, very much so.

I had some good news last night - I've been offered a job I interviewed for a couple of weeks ago. A step upwards and a significant pay increase. But leaving my current company, which is sad because I get on with everyone there, but there are no advancement prospects.

SO glad I don't have to share this news with my mother, who would undoubtedly piss on my chips by saying "Oh dear - do you really think you're capable of this? Remember what happened at that other totally unrelated job you had, where you ended up leaving because of some totally made up reason which I've just imagined and was nothing to do with your husband dying? WHAT IF THE SAME THING HAPPENS OMG."

No contact life is good. Now I'm off to the gym and will then celebrate with a

pocket really big grats :) that's brilliant news on the job front! and .... you can properly celebrate without someone sucking all the joy out of life.

Congrats again =)

COngratulations pocket! Enjoy pure celebration without toxic people pissing all over it! Well done you!

Pocket

Congratulations to you on receiving the new job offer; grab this new opportunity with both hands!

FB

Thank you for your kind words re me .

Congratulations pocket, that's great, and even better than you can enjoy without any toxicity added!

Fantastic, Yeah the doubt is definitely my mums voice, it's full of guilt and that's her main trick just need to make it go away. Imagine only way is to get space from her x

Congratulations pocket! That really is great news.

Congratulations Pocket! Much deserved, I'll wager.