"But we took you to Stately Homes!" Survivors of Dystfunctional Families

[Meerka]

It's May 2015, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
March 2015

Dec 14- March 15

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller

Personality Disorders definition

More helpful links:

Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker

Some books:

Homecoming
Will I ever be good enough?
If you had controlling parents
When you and your mother can't be friends
Children of the self-absorbed
Recovery of your inner child

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Gollumsprecious call her bluff on it, tell her that as you have a half sibling you would like to trace her and if possible meet her.

There's a high chance she'll kick off in a big way about how you aren't siding with her, say that your not siding with anybody including your Father
. Stand your ground treat her like you would a toddler having a screaming fit

Hi everyone - I have a question about resources specifically for men in dealing with controlling parents. I have looked through the resources at the start of the thread and bought all the books that aren't explicitly mother/daughter, but if anyone has additional recommendations I'd be grateful.

Gollum it's all about attention. Are the unflattering comments connected to the dramas?

Hi theymakeme... Yes - so for example, she had an affair so would think everyone would be talking about her and wouldn't like her /would take against her.

To counter this she told everyone she knew including me as a small child, that the marriage was terrible, she was isolated and ignored, DF was a drunk and a womaniser and that they weren't together at the time if the affair anyway. All of this to get people on here side and then she would revel in the drama as long as the gossip was about her side of the story. God help anyone who didn't agree or crossed her over it - she would go completely insane.

Hi Gollum
I get that. My mum told me she had had an affair with my godfather in reply to my telling her about my brother abusing me. They just want all the attention and no responsibility. She said the affair was just one of those things and certainly didn't feel it had any bearing on her life. She then told me that my narc father then slept with the godmother so that made it all fair and square! They have such a warped view of life and there is no point in having it out with them or arguing. I've found doing that always causes them to bring a new rabbit out of the bag against me, that I haven't seen before. For example the last time I saw her she said that the best thing was that she had never hurt anyone in her life...nasty cow. Ignoring is the only way to go I think if you chose to stay in touch as I am for the time being. Stay strong!

I'm just wondering how the thin the line between narcissism and psychosis is?

Hey guys, sorry I have not been in the thread for a while. Relationships seems quite busy at the moment and I think the thread keeps getting pushed off the front page.

Gollum your mother sounds a typical narc. Always wanting the attention to be on her. What do you get out of contact with her? Does seeing her make you feel happy, positive about yourself and your life? Or do you only see her because otherwise she would make you feel guilty?

In terms of discussing the past, you can try to set boundaries by saying "I don't want to discuss my father with you." If she then continues, just get up and leave. (Or tell her to fuck off home!)

Do not at any cost leave your DD alone with her. She is clearly still very toxic and has no hesitation in involving your child in her manipulations.

Joseph I really recommend any of Alice Miller's work, but especially
The Body Never Lies
For Your Own Good
The Drama of Being a Child

Her books are not always an easy read - they can sometimes get quite technical. And they don't really give you specific strategies or healing methods, but they are invaluable in understanding your response to the abuse as a child and as an adult. She very much believed in "the truth will set you free".

Sim it's an interesting question, but rather unhelpfully I think the answer is probably "it depends"!

There are certainly narcs whose behaviour is not really that insane - they are "just" wildly self-centered and uninterested. Conversely there are a lot whose behaviour also ticks a lot of the sociopath boxes. (My dad was one - my son's birth mother is another.)

Of course that doesn't mean that the more psychotic ones are necessarily more damaging and the ones who are "just" narcs are not really too bad. In fact to the contrary, I think it can be harder to break away from the milder type because you keep questioning your own sanity and perceptions.

There are certainly narcs whose behaviour is not really that insane - they are "just" wildly self-centered and uninterested..... In fact to the contrary, I think it can be harder to break away from the milder type because you keep questioning your own sanity and perceptions.*

^ I love you for articulating this. I'm currently in the midst of a good spell with my DM. Contact is at a level I am comfortable with, I feel in control of contact and I have learnt to limit what I discuss with her (because she's not really interested or will somehow make a very small dig) so I'm feeling very unanxious about our relationship at the moment. However, this is also making me question everything and I'm wondering whether I'm just being a bitch to my own mother by keeping her at arms' length. Am I being too harsh on her? Will I regret establishing the distance when she's no longer around? Is she that^ bad? Perhaps it's just me? Etc etc..... TThe irony of the guilt I feel for keeping at a "safe distance" is not lost on me and is bloody confusing.

Total bold and italic fail

Am I being too harsh on her? Will I regret establishing the distance when she's no longer around? Is she that bad? Perhaps it's just me?

I think we've all been through this and I still get it from time to time and I've been NC for about 7 months.

I am very lucky in that my sister is very supportive and has actually been telling me for literally years what a bitch our mum is, and I was deep in denial and used to say "Yes but it's just her way" or "But we've only got one mum" and all the other well-worn clichés.

It was my mum's shitty attitude with my son that really opened my eyes. That, and moving back to the area where I grew up and remembering how absolutely appallingly she treated me when I was a teenager. It all came flooding back; my pain, my shame, my utter loneliness and the sense that nobody had my best interests at heart, they just wanted me to shut the fuck up and let my dad keep abusing me because that was easier for everyone (except me!)

sim and pocket - do you mean psychopathy/psychopathic rather than psychosis/psychotic ?

pocket that all sounds awful, what a terrible horrible situation.

With my DM it's mind games to get her own way, or show off and be the centre of attention, or be a martyr. It's all so bloody subtle though I often feel like I'm going mad.

Musi I'm not a professional but I think there can be a large overlap between sociopathy and narcissism. It's my understanding that sociopath is the preferred term these days, although psychopath and sociopath are the same diagnosis.

nearly Yes mine does the martyr stuff. Deliberately ignoring email invites to events and then saying "The invite came so late I of course assumed I had only been included as an afterthought and wasn't really wanted." LOL, a week beforehand? Jog on, Mum, you just didn't want to go because you look down your nose at your brother

Hi everyone. I've only just discovered this thread but can I please join?

My current situation is making me very depressed and I just don't know how to handle it any more. I have always had emotionally abusive parents but it just gets worse as I get older and now I'm a mother I just can't tolerate it for the sake of my children. They seem to wait until a happy event is happening in my life and then do whatever they can to sabotage it and make me miserable. I'm currently pregnant and they came to visit a few days ago. They took offence at a very minor disagreement and got abusive and threatening, stormed out and didn't contact me for a few days. I was not at all surprised or upset by this as it is nothing new but today my mother has spent her day bombarding me with abusive texts basically blaming me for everything and telling me what an awful person I am. It was my dad that threatened violence and I answered one of her texts telling them I was very upset by his behaviour and that is why I hadn't been in touch. She called me a liar and defended him.

The thing is, none of this surprises me and I have spoken to a counsellor and know that I am not to blame for their toxic behaviour. The one thing that is haunting me is that last time we had such an event my dad threatened suicide and said it was all my fault for being snappy with him. You couldn't make this shit up. I don't know what to do. I want to go NC but they cut me off from my extended family as a child (for similar petty reasons) and I didn't want to inflict that same ridiculous situation on my children. But it can't continue, I have to protect them as I don't want them to become the same terrified little girl that I was. What if he does take his own life and blame me? How the hell do I deal with this. It isn't normal :(

Hello Tired

What if he does take his own life and blame me?

What do you realistically think the chances are of your dad actually committing suicide because you didn't give into his demands?

How many times have you read on the relationships board about an abusive partner threatening to kill themselves if the victim leaves/doesn't take them back?

It's just a threat. He has learned that "Do as I say or I won't love you any more" has stopped working as you've grown in confidence. "Do as I say or I'll kill myself and it'll be your fault, plus everyone will blame you forever" is like the first threat, but with a power-up. It's designed to induce FEAR and GUILT.

The standard advice (by Samaritans and other agencies) is that if someone says they are about to kill themselves, contact 101 and let them deal with it. This goes for abusive, bullying parents as well as abusive, bullying husbands.

I can guarantee your dad will be mightily embarrassed when the police rock up to his gaff and find him sitting on the settee with your mum, eating chips, and watching Bake Off.

Are you still seeing a counsellor? Have you been able to see them since this happened? What is your DH/DP's reaction to the abuse? Is he protective of you? You must feel very vulnerable being pregnant and it's such a shame that they had to ruin what should be such a happy time.

Thank you pocketsaviour. What you say does make perfect sense, it is his style after all. I guess there is just that part of me that is worried that he will actually do it. I've just signed up for a new round of counselling (last lot ended a couple of years ago) so I've only had the one session and have to wait for a regular slot to become available before it becomes routine.

I just can't believe my parents seem to get their kicks from emotionally bullying me. Some of the things they have done over the years are almost funny in their Jeremy Kyle style dramatic craziness. I want to go NC but it is so hard. I'm worried they will turn up at my house (they live in another town).

I guess there is just that part of me that is worried that he will actually do it.

That is what everyone worries about, and it's what makes it such an effective threat, which is why abusers use it :(

Have you read any of the books mentioned in the opening post of this thread? Toxic Parents is particularly recommended.

Hi

NC been here before please don't out me if you recognise me.

Summary - abusive alcoholic dad, enabling toxic martyr mum, sister (fuck where to start!)

Very unhappy childhood due mainly to dads abuse and drinking. Including dv to mum but she had a supportive family who tried several times to get her to leave and she wouldn't even consider. I was also groomed by dad but managed to prevent things going further. Mum and sister don't believe but sister has made odd comments suggestive that she was also abused so I don't know what to think there. Mum is now dads carer and has decided that because addiction is an illness that means dad is completely blameless for all his actions 'cos it was the drink'. Problem there being he was a mean bastard before he drank and has been one since he stopped too. Mum has over the years continually let me me down. With dad, with sbxh, as a LP, with my health etc. Dad favoured me as a child (although ulterior motives obvs) so mum favoured sister and still does. Sister is irresponsible, immature, can't handle money, hold down a job or a relationship etc.

Mum took very ill this year. Not the first time but first time since I've been living nearby. Immediately family (me, siblings, in-laws, sister) said we'd help with whatever was needed. Sister did what she has done on 2 previous occasions, took over completely and deliberately prevented me from not only being able to help but also at times from even being able to speak to mum. To the point I think she even deleted texts and emails I sent mum. She has done similar but less vehemently with other family. At the time sisters home was a dump. She moved in 'to help' mum with parents. But as soon as she had a better home moved out and mum couldn't get hold of her. Family not surprised as she's done similar before in exact same circumstances.

It all came to a head during the summer. I am currently NC with sister and very lc with parents. I was speaking with mum but then she accused me of dropping sister in it with DWP etc. Which I did not and would not do. Not only should mum know I wouldn't but we've discussed people doing this as a general topic and she knows I think it is despicable. My sister has young kids and they're the ones who would suffer and I wouldn't do that. When I went NC with sister I simply blocked all contact, made it clear to all family members that I wanted nothing more to do with her. That was the end of it as far as I was concerned. Recently dad was trying to call me but he tends to rant anyway and I wasn't in a place to deal. So I ignored calls. Then I got a text basically blaming me for everything including mum's illness. At that point I sent a text to him saying he was out of order and not to bother contacting me again unless it was to apologise. There was something in the text about a discussion mum and I had and so I text her too and frankly I said everything! That I'm sick of me and my dc coming last with her, of being blamed for things I am not guilty of and again not interested unless she apologised. Dads side afaik know very little of what's happened.

An aunt on mum's side I thought was an ally is now being 'neutral'. I haven't heard from anyone else in ages neither has my dc. Mum hasn't spoken to dc since June (dc 14yrs old) because when mum let us down yet again and lied about it dc questioned her on it. Mum as I say always plays the victim as in someone you can't question or say anything bad about because its 'not her fault'.

The reason I'm posting now after so long away and trying to just get on with life is due to the recent accusation and last night I saw a post from one of dads sisters on Facebook addressed to my sister. While sister is blocked aunt isn't (yet) and I was able to surmise and then check as sisters privacy settings are shit what the situation was.

Basically sister posted a meme along lines of 'I always say its their last chance then I forgive them anyway' but with comment of 'not this time I'm done'. Aunt then posted a meme tagged sister about 'forgiveness isn't for them its so you can move on'.

Sister had a milestone birthday recently and I think I was expected to beg forgiveness, celebrate and get her a gift/card etc (she's very materialistic).

But I've done nothing wrong! So I'm not interested in her sodding forgiveness! Frankly even if she were the one to come begging I wouldn't be interested either. As for who's dropped her in it? Let's just say there are a number of possibles!

What I think I'm really having a problem with is I'm pretty sure family are being told only one side and are assuming it's correct. But I think if I asked I'd be told 'not about that/you it was something else'.

I don't wish my dc to lose her gran (don't GAF about grandad as I never wanted back in contact with him anyway), dc also not fussed about grandad or aunt. Sister has treated my dc like shit anyway. But...dc really misses gran and cousins. I miss my dn's too but unfortunately it's got to a point where the cost outweighs the gain for me.

Dc has a birthday soon and is unhappy about not seeing cousins/gran but doesn't want aunt there.

I don't know what to do.

What I WANT to do is go back in time and never have moved here! Failing that I'd like to move away but dc settled at school, exam years and I don't have the finances.

One nice thing to come out of this is I recently started a new hobby and I ended up blurting some of this out to new friends there. Thought they'd think I was awful but they said even with mum ill thats no excuse to behave badly especially to dc.

Advice? Please be gentle as feeling like a shit mum anyway for lots of reasons.

Hello FUPSurvivor

It sounds like a really stressful time for you and your DC. How old is your DC? Old enough to understand that sometimes people are really shitty to us, and we shouldn't just sit there and take it?

Perhaps you could explain that right now it's not possible to see Gran and cousins, but as s/he gets older and is more independent, s/he could go and visit without you?

However, my instinct would say to keep DC away from toxic grandparents (and whilst your dad is outright abusive, your mum also has a large share of blame for her utter failure to protect you - it sounds like she's been scapegoating you for pretty much her whole life. I had similar denials from my mum that my dad "would never have abused your sister" even after the fucker admitted it!!)

What life lessons do you think your DC would learn, and has learned from the grandparents already?

Hello Stately Homers! I've posted here, infrequently, before but have recently name changed because of hackergate.

The situation I post about is my DM. In short, I've spent my life walking on eggshells around her. She had a terrible childhood herself, is still angry about it and has spent her life projecting her anger onto me, my DB, my DF or anyone close. She's very self absorbed. She hates her family, my DF's family and has fallen out with most family and friends over the years. A recurring theme is she often thinks that people are plotting against her, are bullies and no-one can be trusted. I learnt as a child never to confide in her, she was never emotionally available. We had to put her first. There was no affection, no praise.

This has calmed down in recent years, since she became a GM, though the constant criticism of my DF remains, very sniping at me about my choices (never praise). Still very self absorbed and a huge hypochondriac.

Becoming a mother has really opened my eyes to how awful she has been. Also a wise MNetter said ' her childhood explains her behaviour, but doesn't excuse it' and this is when the penny dropped. I decided a year ago to raise my boundaries considerably. After a 3 month period of NC I now see her most weeks but don't discuss personal stuff, keep it breezy and we talk mostly about the kids.

This has worked amazingly well. No more talk about her (mostly imagined) ill health, much less sniping about my DF and she brings a small gift most times she comes round .

My issue now is , articulated by almostreadyforstatelyhome
'However, this is also making me question everything and I'm wondering whether I'm just being a bitch to my own mother by keeping her at arms' length. Am I being too harsh on her? Will I regret establishing the distance when she's no longer around? Is she that bad? Perhaps it's just me? Etc etc..... TThe irony of the guilt I feel for keeping at a "safe distance" is not lost on me and is bloody confusing.'

I dread seeing her now because she's been consistently so bloody nice for months. Maybe I was wrong in the first place? I also feel angry that she can choose to be like this so easily, after years of choosing not to. It's head wrecking!

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.

My issue now is , articulated by almostreadyforstatelyhome
'However, this is also making me question everything and I'm wondering whether I'm just being a bitch to my own mother by keeping her at arms' length. Am I being too harsh on her? Will I regret establishing the distance when she's no longer around? Is she that bad? Perhaps it's just me? Etc etc..... TThe irony of the guilt I feel for keeping at a "safe distance" is not lost on me and is bloody confusing.'

That all reads like FOG. Fear, obligation and guilt are but three of many damaging legacies that keep on recurring in adult children of such unhealthy dysfunctional parents.

You were never wrong about your mother; she was a poor parent (and that is an understatement) to you and she is not a good grandparent to your children either. I would not be accepting any gifts from her either; such are rarely if ever given by such people without any obligation attached to them.

It seems that the current level of low contact is working for you (low contact can sometimes lead to no contact) but the boundaries you have and maintain are something that she could still go onto rail against or not at all accept. She is behaving for now but that could all too easily change.

Such people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. She has never apologised has she?. She also never sought the necessary help but instead chose to blame all her family for her inherent ills (ills that her own family of origin did). Such toxic behaviour like this can and does go down the generations.

Your DF is probably the bystander in all this in your family of origin; people from dysfunctional families end up playing roles. He has failed to protect you from her malign influence and has stayed for his own reasons. He being weak has acted out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

I would still keep her well away from your children. She really cannot be trusted and you are still to an extent walking on eggshells aka living in fear of her.

Hello all,

I posted about a month ago and since then I’ve not been in contact with my mother. It’s been great . I didn’t say anything to her, just didn’t get in contact. I’ve been reading Toxic Parents and it seems like the author thinks a big part of the healing process is confronting your parent in a letter or face to face. I wondered what you guys who are NC think about that? I wonder if it would help me move forward – I want to try and open up my life to let in good stuff, and I wonder if I need to just at least put it out there, confront her? On the other hand I don’t want to get pulled into some big confrontation with her, and I’m not interested at all in getting any resolution or apology or a shift in the relationship – even imagine she changed and became a happy and kind person all of a sudden I suppose I would wish her well but I wouldn’t want to know her. On the other other hand, it would be better to let her know what is going on? Ach, I think she knows what is going on. She forwarded some mail to us this week – as I haven’t told her our new address she just sent it to the old one and it forwarded to us here. It had no extra note from her on it, literally just our mail in an envelope – and that’s what she usually does, but if everything was OK you’d put a little note in saying “I sent this to your old address, by the way what is your new address?” wouldn’t you? I know it sounds like nothing but I could just imagine her calculating her move before she sent it on, the little hint to get in contact but she can plausibly deny anything is wrong if I do get in touch.
I feel like the bad guy, I feel like in deciding to go NC I am being the bad guy and all my thoughts and calculations are about how to be less of a bad guy, or am I justified in being a bad guy, and then sometimes I just cop on to myself again and I remember that she is bloody horrible to us, and doesn’t like us at all, and the antipathy is mutual but you know, I don’t like her because she was bloody awful to me as a kid. It’s not a character flaw of mine not to like her, I’ve got reasons.

Attila thank you - you always set me straight!

TooMuch I think that thinking on this thread is NOT to send a letter explaining. It will only get thrown back in your face, as is their usual pattern. I seen to remember someone posted only recently saying their DM had shown all and sundry the letter they had sent as further evidence (in her DM's mind) of how 'difficult' she is.

In my case, I sent a short, polite email explaining that I needed to be left alone for a while, and would get in touch when ready. (This could be never of course).

Look at my post above, and Attila's response. I think the same applies to you and we all need reminding and setting straight (often, in my case!)

In short, you're not the bad guy, that's the FOG talking. And it's up to you whether you send a letter. I wouldn't. Good luck.