I separated from my ex very officially a couple of months back. It has been an emotional rollercoaster but I am quite happy on my own now. I do miss him and it is hard because I genuinely saw myself being with him forever. We had a very passionate relationship and love/d each other deeply which I don't doubt at all. But, he comes from a toxic family who are emotionally, psychologically and at times verbally abusive. They are also mysogynistic but my ex didn't pick that up as much as the former issues.
So now I'm stuck in a conundrum because I need to find a way to explain why and how his behaviour is abusive and damaging but as it was mainly emotional abuse, it's hard to put it into words. I'm hoping that if I can give a few examples, maybe someone out there will be able to help me out in giving his behaviour some kind of title or a good way to concisely explain it, iyswim .
So here goes. When he would be stressed, he would withdraw and treat me badly through speaking to me and behaving towards me like I was a burden. His tone of voice would be rude and his body language would be as if my presence was a nuisance. Rolling eyes, huffing and puffing when I would speak, frowning at me and acting like I was talking nonsense all the time, even when I would be talking about day to day things or whatever was on TV. A good example of this was one occasion when he came home from work and as we were watching TV, I was commenting on what was going on and he asked me if I don't ever shut up. He did this in front of a family member too. Other times the behaviour was less explicit but still very obvious to me.
He would almost always forget about social functions I would ask him to attend with me and would tell me that it was my fault as I know he has a bad memory and should remind him on the day itself. This would follow a week of discussing the event and he wouldn't forget about events that he had arranged himself that didn't include me.
He would criticise the way I dress and would compare me to other women. He later admitted that this was wrong but he continued to constantly criticise me for other things like the way I carry money without a purse, losing my travel card, or other minute observations. He stopped doing most of this as I learned to point it out to him while he was doing it, but it still continued on a lesser scale and his most recent and persistent criticism was my apparently overly polite behaviour. Apparently I am not assertive in public places and am constantly apologising or moving out of the way in the street and other things along these lines. He found this frustrating and off putting, I think I just have manners.
He was inappropriately flirtatious with women at work and would dismiss this behaviour as common place banter amongst his work colleagues. it led to female colleagues thinking that they could approach him to spend one on one time with him because he presented himself in a way that made them feel he was potentially interested. To him it was just banter and apparently normal in his work environment. Just banter so apparently not wrong because he would never have done anything with these women. He would say that I am unreasonable for finding this upsetting and that I hold things like this over his head.
When over the years I had finally reached breaking point, on about three occasions I told him we were over and he had to move out. On one of these occasion he went to work the next day and had a sexual encounter with a female colleague who we both new was interested in him and who was clearly happy at this turn of events. They did not have sex but had other physical contact. He told me about it that same evening as he felt conflicted and upset over what he had done. He said that he had needed some forms of validation and to feel wanted. It took a long time but we moved on and reconciled and things were somewhat better.
Recently and after the other issues, he had a male work colleague sending him nude pictures of a girl he was sleeping with and he showed them to me because he thought it was banter. I was unimpressed considering his history at work and it became an explosive topic in our home. To him it had just been banter between friends. Until now he feels I overreacted and it was just banter.
Another issue to do with him not supporting me came up two months ago. This was hot on the heels of the nude pictures situation and I asked him to leave and told him we were done. we were apart for a week and he pleaded to come home. I heard him out and told him I wanted to stay separated but maybe have counselling and see each other once a week while we sorted things out. He was adamant that he loves me and wanted to be with me. He didn't want us seeing other people. a week later I found out that 24 hours after he left our home and we had finished he had once again propositioned a woman at work and this time out rightly for sex. He had also done the same with the previous woman he had had an encounter with from work and they had discussed the fact that she wanted a relationship with him but he only wanted something casual. They had phone sex. He told me this happened because he was hurt and rejected and didn't want to feel miserable and alone at home mourning our relationship. To him I have no right to feel upset about this even if it was 24 hours after we split because he was single and could do what he wanted.
thoughts? He has emotional issues because of his family and their toxic nature but I don't now how to categorise them.