am I being spiteful??

[movingonup2015]

Hello all, would like some impartial advice about my situation.

My OH is divorced and has a child with his ex. She lives literally right next door to his place of work so he is always bumping into her and she quite often pops into his place of work to drop off the childs clothes or pick up child etc.

It was a very bitter and nasty divorce - she messed him around the entire 2 years of the divorce and cost him thousands, he hated her and wanted nothing to do with her other than to discuss child arrangements etc.

Lately she has been contacting him more and more and for any little thing that needs doing she goes to him... she has often popped into his place of work and asked if he was going up the road and if so could he pick up X Y Z for her whilst he was out.. her electrics went out the other night so first person she rang was him and asked if he could come and sort it out for her.. luckily he was home (which is some miles way) rather than right next door so said he couldn't as he was at home (he always feels the need to tell her WHY he is at home rather than just saying no sorry I'm at home...)

I have to admit I'm really not liking this at all... IMO the only contact they should have is for discussing child care or anything to do with the child and nothing else. He says he is the type of person that would help ANYONE that needed him, regardless of who they were. He says he has absolutely no feelings whatsoever for her in a romantic way anymore and would never in a million years go back to her especially after the long and expensive divorce he went though and that he doesn't want to see anyone suffer regardless of who they are and what they did to him.

I also don't understand the reasoning behind if she rings him and says she's going to be late picking up their child because she's just out looking at paint because she thinks the living room needs redecorating and thinks that a particular colour would look much better and has also seen some lovely curtains that would go really well and then asks him what he thinks..

Really?! why cant she just say "im going to be about half hour late if that's ok"?? Why do they both feel the need to explain to each other where they are and why they are there?!

It came to a head when she rang him the other night to ask to go over to sort out her electric... I was absolutely fuming as she has plenty of friends,relatives, neighbours etc that live right next to her (one of which is a qualified electrician!!) that she could ask but always chooses to ring him first. So we ended up having a huge row and he said I'm obviously annoyed as it's her and if it was anyone else calling him for help I would have no problem with it - yes, that is very true he is a very kind person and would help anyone if they needed it and no I wouldn't have a problem if it were anyone else.

His reasoning is that if anything were to happen to his child as a result of him not helping her with something he would never forgive himself so always feels obliged to help her out.

I asked how he would feel if it were my ex constantly ringing me for help with things and he said it's different as I don't have a child with him and therefore don't need to have contact with my ex..

I don't really know what to do about this.. my instinct says I'm right and that I shouldn't have to put up with my OH constantly running after her and her needs but then again I don't have children so don't know how it would feel if the shoe were on the other foot and maybe I am just being spiteful because I don't want him to have contact with the ex.

Any thoughts would be appreciated!

Oh he's loving it thats for sure!! After a good few years of abuse at the hands of exh wife after her epiphany we are somewhere approaching 'friends' and (after wine) can laugh about wind exh up together about his sad attempts at 'keeping us both sweet' . It took her a long time to realise just because we were mates still I was not after a reconciliation with him I had just accepted he was going to be around and it was nice for Dd to see mum and dad (and now stepmum and my do) all friends together. It's a case of making the best of what IS when children are involved.

Ladies. You can't rewrite history. you met him with a past which will be part of his future too. Be big enough and secure enough to deal with it or walk away.

my ex also had a child and was on very amicable terms with his ex and we never had any problems at all with her, although they only ever had contact to discuss childcare and any issues with their child and that was it, no favours, no asking to do stuff around the house even though she was single and sometimes needed stuff doing she would ask other people and not ex. I have several friends who have the same relationship with their ex's, only having contact where the child is concerned and maybe this is why I'm finding it so difficult that shes always asking for favours and having chats about where she is and what shes doing and why shes doing it... perhaps if I had never been in a relationship where a child was involved before I wouldn't be finding this so difficult to deal with right now but last relationship was very different, the child knew from day one who I was and that I was romantically involved and my ex had no issues bringing it up with his ex about me so that may be clouding my judgement a bit on what is "normal" when you have a child and an ex who can't seem to let go...

I think like you've all mentioned I either have to let it go or deal with it.

For now I am going to choose to deal with it because as I previously mentioned I am happy with every other aspect of this relationship and it is literally only her that we argue about, its just HOW I deal with it that I am going to need to get over...

I still cant make up my mind if she knows about us or not.. you all think she does but I think (I know!) she would bring it up with him but I cant force him to tell her, how would he even bring it up? I think I am going to wait until the next time she asks him to do something... if its something trivial that doesn't benefit his child and he agrees to it or doesn't ask her to stop ringing him every five minutes for favours then that will have to be it for us and I wont get arsey or have a strop I will just tell him the situation isnt working and then let him make up his own mind about what he wants...

You need to put boundaries in place for sure but as you said yourself you'd be less bothered if he was doing stuff for someone else another friend etc so the perception is on your terms how you frame it in your own mind really. If its making you feel jealous and insecure its unlikely to change however if it's genuinely just the phone going every five minutes then it wouldn't matter who it was that needs to stop. Beware though, it will probably still go on just in secret, in which case they become accomplices - that's something you really dont want to happen.

I don't think you should wait for the next request to bring it up with him.
Because then you are more likely to be wound up by the request and have a 'hissy fit' and he's more likely to say 'but it's only '.
Also, you'll be asking him to say no on the spot.

Far better to bring it up with him now and agree an approach for next time.

I don't think this is her at all. So she doesn't know he has a girlfriend because he chooses not to tell her? Well then, she can act exactly how she chooses and make demands on his time as she sees fit can't she? She thinks he's single. It's down to HIM to deal with this and tell her about you and start putting in place some simple boundaries. Yes I think they should be amicable as they have a child but she's not to know there are any boundaries is she? Because she doesn't know you exist

It's him that you need to focus on . Forget her , she's not done anything that I can see. He has though. Plus you've only got his word for what she is like etc. I'd keep that firmly in mind if I were you

Who's to know, OP. But the father of my dd, whom I kicked out and who spent months trying to persuade me to get back together with him, got married a year later and told everyone in the run-up to his marriage not to say anything to me because he was scared of how I would react .

Some men write their own script. Not that I ever bothered asking him for favors