am I being spiteful??

[movingonup2015]

Hello all, would like some impartial advice about my situation.

My OH is divorced and has a child with his ex. She lives literally right next door to his place of work so he is always bumping into her and she quite often pops into his place of work to drop off the childs clothes or pick up child etc.

It was a very bitter and nasty divorce - she messed him around the entire 2 years of the divorce and cost him thousands, he hated her and wanted nothing to do with her other than to discuss child arrangements etc.

Lately she has been contacting him more and more and for any little thing that needs doing she goes to him... she has often popped into his place of work and asked if he was going up the road and if so could he pick up X Y Z for her whilst he was out.. her electrics went out the other night so first person she rang was him and asked if he could come and sort it out for her.. luckily he was home (which is some miles way) rather than right next door so said he couldn't as he was at home (he always feels the need to tell her WHY he is at home rather than just saying no sorry I'm at home...)

I have to admit I'm really not liking this at all... IMO the only contact they should have is for discussing child care or anything to do with the child and nothing else. He says he is the type of person that would help ANYONE that needed him, regardless of who they were. He says he has absolutely no feelings whatsoever for her in a romantic way anymore and would never in a million years go back to her especially after the long and expensive divorce he went though and that he doesn't want to see anyone suffer regardless of who they are and what they did to him.

I also don't understand the reasoning behind if she rings him and says she's going to be late picking up their child because she's just out looking at paint because she thinks the living room needs redecorating and thinks that a particular colour would look much better and has also seen some lovely curtains that would go really well and then asks him what he thinks..

Really?! why cant she just say "im going to be about half hour late if that's ok"?? Why do they both feel the need to explain to each other where they are and why they are there?!

It came to a head when she rang him the other night to ask to go over to sort out her electric... I was absolutely fuming as she has plenty of friends,relatives, neighbours etc that live right next to her (one of which is a qualified electrician!!) that she could ask but always chooses to ring him first. So we ended up having a huge row and he said I'm obviously annoyed as it's her and if it was anyone else calling him for help I would have no problem with it - yes, that is very true he is a very kind person and would help anyone if they needed it and no I wouldn't have a problem if it were anyone else.

His reasoning is that if anything were to happen to his child as a result of him not helping her with something he would never forgive himself so always feels obliged to help her out.

I asked how he would feel if it were my ex constantly ringing me for help with things and he said it's different as I don't have a child with him and therefore don't need to have contact with my ex..

I don't really know what to do about this.. my instinct says I'm right and that I shouldn't have to put up with my OH constantly running after her and her needs but then again I don't have children so don't know how it would feel if the shoe were on the other foot and maybe I am just being spiteful because I don't want him to have contact with the ex.

Any thoughts would be appreciated!

[DragonWithAGirlTattoo]

but she thinks he is still available, which is why she is always contacting him

Its a year now - are you 2 serious or not?

[cailindana]

You're totally being played here. He is still having a relationship with both of you, stringing both of you along. And you're both accepting it. You've swallowed his bullshit about what an awful wife she was and you've accepted being a dirty secret in order to protect her feelings and guard against the supposed hissy fit she'll throw once she knows. He doesn't want her to know because then he won't have her on a string any more, her mother doesn't want her to know because it will devastate her. Are you definite that they're divorced?

[Meerka]

if we argue to the point that she splits us up then she gets her own way in the end right?

That bit sounded to me like you would really be annoyed if she did get her own way. I think you need to not care whether she 'wins' or not. Concentrate more on what makes you happy.

Fwiw yes, he is being drawn back in and he's either not realising it or else he isn't really over her and kind of wants to get back with her. Either way all you can do is point it out and decide what you want. You may have to accept that that doesn't include a man who, really, is still quite heavily involved with his ex.

[Cabrinha]

Sometimes you read a post and it just smells like a total bullshit story.
Not you OP, I'm not troll hunting!
Him.

She dumped him to make him come out partying, messed him about over the divorce, took all his money? Hmmmm. Doesn't sound right.

And he hadn't told her about you for a YEAR because he wants some peace? Yet her mum knows. You really think she doesn't know?

I don't know what she's up to - insisting on plating up food is odd. But she could just be a common or garden user, re the wine requests.
Forget her.

It's HIS behaviour that is making me

[movingonup2015]

yes they are definitely divorced I've seen the absolute.

this is what is worrying me - he hasn't told her because IMO he doesn't want to hurt her feelings, nothing to do with hissy fits as far as im concerned! everytime I have a paddy (because I do have a paddy ill quite openly admit!) about her he just thinks im being a catty female because I want him to tell her about us so that ive got "one up" on her... no I want him to tell her about us so that she might actually leave him alone!

He doesn't see it that way, he thinks if he tells her right now she will do everything in her power to turn his child against me before any opinion is formed independently....

I just don't know how to make him realise without actually saying ive had enough im off, because I don't want that, I just want him to see what hes doing is wrong without it ending up in a blazing row and me looking like the bad guy all the time I just cant seem to get the right words out without it sounding like I just want to hurt her feelings on purpose which I don't.

[cailindana]

He thinks you're a 'catty female'?? And you actually want to be with him?

[Meerka]

he thinks if he tells her right now she will do everything in her power to turn his child against me before any opinion is formed independently.

when IS he going to tell her then? when the child is 16?

You can't wait that long.

You are - or shouldn't be - a dirty little secret. She's going to find out one day and better that he picks his battleground himself.

[Cabrinha]

Well, you need to work on the hissy fit tendency because it undermines your credibility and your point.

But seriously - he sounds like hard work. I bet he enjoys her running after him acting like she wants him back.

He cares more about her feelings than yours. That's not even worth a hissy fit. It's worth a calm "this isn't going to work for me - good bye and good luck".

[Cabrinha]

She KNOWS. Someone that invested in his life KNOWS about you.

[newstart15]

Ah...so he is not telling her for your benefit!! I doubt that is really the case and he has selfish motivations.

Maybe he still likes to be involved with her, perhaps he likes to have that connection with her. Perhaps by being the one she runs to he knows she won't move on with another man.

If you have asked him to tell her and he says "no it's for your own good" , what does that say about him and how he reacts to what is important to you?

I think you should be calm and explain that you will no longer be his secret. He cannot continue with 2 women in his life. If she reacts then you will handle the situation together but the lying has to end.

He must be regularly lying to her - so know that he is very capable of deception.Tread carefully as you do not still know him well and it will take at least another year before his true colours emerge.

[bellathebluebell]

Very similar thing happened to me...

Him: Woe is me. She was a bitch, took all my money, is calling the shots, etc, etc. Didn't introduce me to kids until 1+ year later. Turned out that he was the problem not her. If I'd had Mumsnet at the time I would have worked that one out myself.

I'd get rid and find myself a nice young, free and single man.

[honeyroar]

I think she knows too! Her whole family and the child knows about you, it most probably will have been mentioned by accident at some point. I think it's wrong to make a child keep a secret like that from either parent anyway.

My husband's ex was like that at the start too (after a similar divorce). It's a form of control. Once you're more stable on the scene she will probably start changing days around and causing issues that way to still have control. Eventually she will realise it's not working (if you stand together and keep calm) and it will cool down. But it's not a fun journey particularly, and something that you have to be able to cope with if you take on a man with a child. He will, and should, put things that affect his child's safety first, even if sometimes it drives you mad. Remember this is the kind of (good) dad he would be to your children if you had some..

[movingonup2015]

well he insists that he wants her to find someone else and always maintains he had a lucky escape and thank god he got out when he did etc, he doesn't say this to me for my benefit hes said it to other people aswell.

he just keeps saying hes thinking about what is best for his child as he doesn't want her being manipulative and that he doesn't care about her and her feelings he just cares about the welfare of his child and how all this is going to affect him so does his best to keep the peace so that theres no tension or nastiness flying around... its going to happen sooner or later she is going to find out I cant be kept a secret forever I'm just wondering once she finds out how much will he then do for her, will she then leave him alone or will she do her best to try to drive a wedge between us on purpose? who knows is the answer to that I suppose!


I do know I cant keep this up forever, I do have a tendency to boil over whenever her name is mentioned lately and I know that's something I have to deal with, I'm just concerned if I continue to get arsey then he will keep it from me if she does end up asking him to do stuff because to be fair he has been honest with me up to now (as far as I know!) and always tells me whenever shes been to his work or rang him asking to do things so he could quite easily have kept that to himself, I would never have found out so I don't want him to start keeping things from me I just have to find a way to deal with this and react calmly and come to the conclusion on his own that what she is doing will eventually tear us apart. Just depends whose feelings he wants to hurt more, hers or mine...

[confusedoflondon]

OP. I have been in this situation except I was the ex wife. I was and still am to some extent on very friendly (emphasis on the friendly) terms with ex ,largely because a/ I quite like him as a person and b/ we have a child. However trust me when I say your DP is yelling both you and the ex what you both want to hear - the object of this being a quiet life - of course he ends up getting anything but as women can't abide being lied too for whatever reason. exh wife hated me with a passion and tried very hard to break my exes relationship with Dd in order to break his 'relationship' with me. she very nearly suceeded in ruining his bond with Dd who was 10 at the time. Why ? Because she was consumed with jealousy and paranoia. It almost led to their divorce. At Christmas exh wife had a sudden wake up call, confessed the issues were all caused by her own jealousy and lack of understanding of what being with a man with a previous family entails. She was very apologetic and is working hard on building a relationship with me and DD and my partner. Because that's what adults do.you're with a man with a child and an ex - if you cant handle that dynamic please get out now.

[confusedoflondon]

Sorry you're not a man obviously you're with a man. (I hate my phone!!)

[confusedoflondon]

And doing stuff for his child and indeed the mother of that child won't tear you apart - your inability to deal with this dynamic will.

[OurGlass]

He's probably fucking both of you.

[SylvaniansAtEase]

Oh jings I missed the bit about her not knowing you exist!!!


Stop being made a fool of. Seriously. Red flags all over this one.

Dump him.

[confusedoflondon]

can I just say, the chances of her not knowing about you are slim to nothing. She's a women with instincts. She knows. Come on now.

[Joysmum]

well herein lies the problem, if we argue to the point that she splits us up then she gets her own way in the end right?

It's no wonder you're prone to boiling over when her name is mentioned, you've lost your sense of proportion!

This isn't about her or her winning, this is about you and your partner building the best relationship together. I suspect this attitude and focus on her is blinding you to finding the best way forwards for your relationship.

Yes your relationship clearly has issues and you've every right to be upset, but to answer the question in your title, yes I also suspect you may be being spiteful. Sorry

Don't get me wrong, I totally empathise but focussing on her isn't helping you to communicate effectively and your partner (if he hasn't already) may only see your spite and see you as being unreasonable and stop listening or caring as a result.

Tread carefully

[Jan45]

So you are a secret, after a year and him and her are like best friends - no wonder you are seriously pissed off. He can still put you first without ditching is kids, he is choosing to put her first.

[fancyanotherfez]

Who cares if 'she wins' if you split up? You will be out of there until he decides to buck his ideas up. I agree it is unlikely she doesn't know. Also all that about her partying and him just wanting to be a husband and father sounds like bs. Why doesn't he go for residency then? That will solve the problem of his relationship with the child.

[confusedoflondon]

The problem lies when you perceive it as a competition between you and her. Do you not understand, HE HAS NO CHOICE BUT TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILD. They quite simply are 'family'. If OP views it as competition it will become one and she will ultimately self sabotage her relationship by trying to change/erase history its that straightforward. Clearly her dp and his ex are amicable. Anybody who thinks that's a negative thing, doesn't have children and probably shouldn't.

[RubbishMantra]

Well, firstly, he's asked his child to lie on his behalf. All shades of wrong. So he put his child's and your feelings as less important than his ex's. I reckon ex knows about you though, hence the coupley plating up dinner for him to take home, and her requests to pick up wine etc..

I think he's getting a big kick out of being in the situation he's in. Ex implying she'd like him back, you pretty much playing the part of his (perhaps, secret) OW. And best of all, he gets to say, "It's because I'm such a good bloke!" All the while, feeding his own ego, and punishing ex, for whatever she did, real or imagined by him.

Like lots of others have said, I would take everything he says with a tonne of salt.

And the "catty female" comment.

[SuperFlyHigh]

he is choosing to put her first...

i had a similar situation with an ex-boyfriend of mine who wasn't married but his son was 13/14 and his ex was always having him round to do things or childmind/babysit or pay for things... no matter if she had a new boyfriend or not! he was also buying presents (expensive ones) for his son's half brothers... or treating them to cinema etc...

I soon realised I'd be losing out longterm - when I did bring it up with him he insisted he was 'over her' yet it was very easy to tug at his heartstrings for her when she wanted something and he was all too ready to run to her. I don't think they were in love but it certainly wasn't healthy.