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Original poster

Affair with boss

55 replies

Justnotsure123 · 19/05/2015 16:16

New here and I know many of you are going to have your claws out for me but I need to vent somewhere.

So at the end of last year my marriage was on the rocks, i was staying for my daughter, kept up the pretence to my partner and trundled on - I would probably still be trundling but then ....

I started to get a lot of attention from my boss, we worked together all day five days a week - we started staying after work, I started work earlier .. Then we started to text all through the night, hundreds of texts and calls ...
He had a partner and two children, I knew them - I knew her not as a friend but I saw her a lot and still I carried on.
She found out and left.
I carried on texting and calling - then spent the night with him about three days after she left.
She threatened to tell my husband unless I came clean, so I told him and he left.

All these months on and I don't know what I feel, I have continued this tryst behind closed doors, we've not rushed into anything but we didn't stop and think about the hurt we had caused everyone, but slowly it's catching up with me and I don't know what to do with the guilt I feel. Two families are hurting, two families that can't be fixed because of our selfishness .. Do I carry on and live with the guilt? Or is this just going to end as badly as it started ?

OP posts:
Grewupinafield · 19/05/2015 16:19

So you are still with him? Do you trust him not do the same to you?

whattodoforthebest2 · 19/05/2015 16:25

is this just going to end as badly as it started ?

It's already ended for 5 innocent people, hasn't it? Whether you continue your fling or not, hopefully it'll stay on your conscience for a long time to come.

Three young children's homes, wrecked.

Original poster
Justnotsure123 · 19/05/2015 16:25

We are not In a relationship no, just continuing what was happening before but with a more physical side. We don't see each other much etc due to work as I no longer work with him full time only once a week. He has his children in his free time etc.

At first when I was confronted I didn't feel as though I was doing anything wrong - I thought because it wasn't physical we weren't hurting anyone. But it has caused such a huge fallout, it's hard to feel sorry for myself and my own struggles when I have broken two other peoples lives up so dramatically both who didn't think there was anything wrong.

There is no going back for my husband and I, and whilst my OM says the same how I can be sure that he won't go back if the guilt of missing his children doesn't eat away at him , seems the more months have passed the more we are seeing the results of our actions.

Do relationships like this ever last ?

OP posts:
despomum41 · 19/05/2015 16:36

what you both did was wrong and no one deserves to be treated like that but i think by admitting what you did the hurt it caused by both of you is the first step it couldnt have been easy , ive been cheated on by my then husband , no point crying over spilt milk you just have to get on with it and hopefully try and make it work

Original poster
Justnotsure123 · 19/05/2015 16:40

despomum14 - well that was my attitude to begin with. We have both been with the what's done is done - we can't take it back, it wasn't nice and we know the hurt we have caused. I don't think either of us thought the fall out would be so great.
We both feel that neither of our exes would forgive us, that rather than taking over old ground we should just carry on with the path we have chosen now, but there is always that what if at the back of mind.

OP posts:
ChrisQuean · 19/05/2015 16:44

You don't say whether you are in love with OM or anything about loving him. You don't sound thrilled to be with him. That's significant to me. Sounds like he was a convenient fling, a distraction for you. And now you've broken up two families for a relationship you are not sure you want. And you feel guilty.

Grewupinafield · 19/05/2015 16:47

You don't have to be with anyone. If your husband won't take you back (not that you actually sound like you want that) and if you don't want to be with the OM, you don't have to. You have destroyed 2 families and you don't sound remorseful. You talk about guilt but to me it doesn't sound real.

Sort yourself out, be on your own. Don't go down "the path" just because you think you have to because of the devastation you've caused.

Original poster
Justnotsure123 · 19/05/2015 16:50

Both of us were unsure what it was that's why there was no physical relationship before he split.
I am not sure if I just liked the attention, it was a welcome distraction from my life that wasn't happy at the time. But I don't know if it is love. I don't know if he loves me.
He works a lot. He has his children on his time off, there is no time for dating etc. There are feelings there, but comments from him such as he knows his partner would never trust him, that he wouldn't go back because she wouldn't forgive makes me feel sometimes as though he would go back if he knew it would be easy but because it will be hard he has chosen me as the easy option. Yes I am guilty because I have hurt my daughter and two other children in the process

OP posts:
popalot · 19/05/2015 16:53

But are you having a relationship with him or is it just sex? Sounds like the latter. In which case, I would stop now and take some time by yourself to figure out what you want in life. You didn't want your ex. You don't really want this man. You need time by yourself. Then he might have a chance to resurrect his relationship with his wife and children if he wants to.

For you your prev relationship may well have ended anyway, this affair sped it up. For him, he probably saw you as a bit on the side and might well want to have his (long suffering) wife back.

I'd knock it on the head. You deserve more than just a shag, surely?

Original poster
Justnotsure123 · 19/05/2015 17:21

I guess it's no more than it was before except now we are single.
I'm not sure if were holding back to avoid hurt or because were both unsure of what to do, in my head all I can think about is if we could do this to our childrens parents then what stops it from happening again.

I do feel guilty about the hurt I have caused, nothing will erase the hurt in his partners eyes, I'll never be able to apologise for what I have put her through, and with the children involved it is inevitable that in the future I am going to be there and she'll be there! It all just seems so hard in the cold light of day.

OP posts:
GirlWithaPearlEarring · 19/05/2015 17:57

Sometimes we do really shitty things and make really crappy decisions when we allow ourselves to just drift and be led by our emotions. It is essentially the same as driving without fuel, a map and no proper destination in sight. You end up crashing and screwing up everything.

When you come round you look at the carnage you've caused and you almost cannot identify with the scope of the destruction and the gravity of your part in hurting everyone. Worse you cannot control the damage, because all the normal things - apology's, renumerations are not possible.

I think you are in a state of emotional shock.

I think you have to let go of trying to somehow make things better or make what you have done justifiable. Staying with a man you do not love cannot make it better. It won't make it better for his wife or children (essentially that's his lookout not yours anyway) The damage is done. Stop going over and over everything.

You know what true repentance is? Not constantly saying 'oh god how could I do this' It includes saying I screwed up. I hurt everyone. I'm going to take something positive from this mess and take a good look at myself (through counseling, therapy, taking time out) and resolve to be more introspective and never, ever, do this again. And then move forward.

The point of guilt is to move you forward not keep you stuck.
If you're miserable then everything is pointless. What was the point? You deserve more than a man getting his leg over. You've fallen into this situation. You haven't actively chosen it, or this man.

Acknowledge it. Get up and dust off your skirt and move forward and be happy. Dump this man and work on yourself, child, and future.

donemekmelarf · 19/05/2015 18:02

He has his children in his free time etc.

Oh well, that makes it alright then Hmm

donemekmelarf · 19/05/2015 18:07

I'm not sure if were holding back to avoid hurt or because were both unsure of what to do

The answer is plain to see -

The reason he's holding back and you're holding back is now that the whole sorry mess is out in the open and there is no more sneaking around, the affair has lost it's appeal.
I'm not saying that either of you have a horrible nature, but a lot of affairs thrive on secrecy and sneaking around.
They don't stand up in the cold light of day.

Noneedtoworryatall · 19/05/2015 18:09

The guilt is killing you is it? Well that's what happens when you sneak around behind someone's back.

If you stay with this man the guilt will soon be replaced don't worry.

ALaughAMinute · 19/05/2015 18:40

So you're having an affair with your boss and now that you've both split up from your partners you're not sure how you feel about each other?

You said your marriage was on the rocks anyway so perhaps this was an exit affair for you?

Don't worry about his marriage, that's for him to sort out. Concentrate your efforts on sorting your life out and finding out what you want to do next.

From what you've said it sounds as if the OM would go back to his wife if he had the chance so it doesn't sound like there's a future there. He's not exactly confessing his undying love for you is he? In which case, I think you should dump him before he dumps you.

The exit affair may have served a purpose but it doesn't sound like there will be a happy ending. Not with this man anyway. Time to move on.

handfulofcottonbuds · 19/05/2015 18:48

So many affair apologist replies.

What you are both doing is vile.

You have both hurt so many people, including children, for your own sordid desires and now that it's come crumbling down, you're not sure how you feel or whether it will last?! Give me strength!!

Sometimes we do really shitty things and make really crappy decisions when we allow ourselves to just drift and be led by our emotions. It is essentially the same as driving without fuel, a map and no proper destination in sight. You end up crashing and screwing up everything

no point crying over spilt milk you just have to get on with it and hopefully try and make it work

Have I entered the twilight zone??

AuntieStella · 19/05/2015 18:52

"Do I carry on and live with the guilt?"

Yes, because you don't have an alternative.

I also recommend that you polish your CV and start job hunting. Your prospects in your current office will already be much more limited than you think.

handfulofcottonbuds · 19/05/2015 18:59

Oh and well done for 'trundling' through and keeping up the pretence with your DH. My guess is that he had no idea that things were that bad that you would go with another man, let alone a married one!

You follow the script perfectly for a cheater.

FWIW, I have no claws, just a heart and morals!

Welcome to MN

GirlWithaPearlEarring · 19/05/2015 19:48

So many affair apologist replies.

No one is being an affair apologist handful

I absolutely detest affairs. if you check my replies on other affair threads you'll see I'm quite strongly disgusted by them. But I don't believe in pillaring people once they've realized they've made a mistake, even an awful one. There's got to be room for compassion somewhere along the line. What's the O.P. supposed to do? Throw herself off a bridge?

One can only say sorry so many times. Ultimately there's a time for forgiveness and a time to move on and upwards to (what is ultimately and hopefully) a better, more enlightened, place.

Everyone screws up sometimes. Some of us to a greater degree than others. Doesn't mean you are only a screw up.

handfulofcottonbuds · 19/05/2015 19:58

I have time for those who are truly sorry for the pain they have caused with their selfish actions. I screw up too but I would never screw up to the extent of having an affair.

The OP doesn't mention how sorry she is for her husband or the children involved and how much lasting pain that will have on them....just a fleeting thought for the OM's wife - weirdly!

She is selfish and admits it was a distraction from her unhappy life and to hell with what anyone's feelings were. She should have joined a yoga class or something instead.

Enough with the pity!

You reap what you sow.

handfulofcottonbuds · 19/05/2015 20:01

FWIW - 30 years on and I am still suffering the effects of my Dad's affair when I was a child, now I am contending with my STBXH's affair.

It affects children more than you know OP!

YouBastardSockBalls · 19/05/2015 20:11

She's not sorry for the hurt she's caused them; she's sorry for herself because of how the guilt is making her feel.

That's how I read it.

handfulofcottonbuds · 19/05/2015 20:14

In answer to your question OP about whether do relationships like this really last - I hope yours does because it sounds like you deserve each other!

ALaughAMinute · 19/05/2015 20:14

The OP was in an unhappy marriage and has recently split from her husband. She may feel guilt but she also feels pain. I think we should try and help her.

Quitelikely · 19/05/2015 20:29

So he hardly has no time for you? The writing is on the wall already..........

Shameful, seedy actions by shady, untrustworthy people.

You are right in thinking that your life is going to be hard if you become his GF, totally right that his children aren't going to be happy seeing you with their father.

Sounds like you are both still sneaking around after telling your ex partners that you are no longer seeing each other?

More like he wants to keep it quiet incase he gets another chance from his wife.............

This isn't love.........it's a mistake.

In the future, try dumping before you move onto someone else. Oh and make sure that someone else isn't married.......

You did that woman a favour anyway. You deserve him. She deserves better.......