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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Affair with boss

55 replies

Justnotsure123 · 19/05/2015 16:16

New here and I know many of you are going to have your claws out for me but I need to vent somewhere.

So at the end of last year my marriage was on the rocks, i was staying for my daughter, kept up the pretence to my partner and trundled on - I would probably still be trundling but then ....

I started to get a lot of attention from my boss, we worked together all day five days a week - we started staying after work, I started work earlier .. Then we started to text all through the night, hundreds of texts and calls ...
He had a partner and two children, I knew them - I knew her not as a friend but I saw her a lot and still I carried on.
She found out and left.
I carried on texting and calling - then spent the night with him about three days after she left.
She threatened to tell my husband unless I came clean, so I told him and he left.

All these months on and I don't know what I feel, I have continued this tryst behind closed doors, we've not rushed into anything but we didn't stop and think about the hurt we had caused everyone, but slowly it's catching up with me and I don't know what to do with the guilt I feel. Two families are hurting, two families that can't be fixed because of our selfishness .. Do I carry on and live with the guilt? Or is this just going to end as badly as it started ?

OP posts:

Satinslippers · 19/05/2015 21:00

So many women on here who's husbands have left them due to affairs. I don't understand what you expect of a man? To tell you he doesn't love you anymore and leave in an amicable way? Or just plod along and stay with you forever because 'he made a commitment' so should stand by it. I mean I don't condone affairs but can you honestly not understand how 2 people in shit relationships end up straying? No it's not right, yes its unfair but if YOU was unhappy and someone flattered you and caught your eye what would you do???

handfulofcottonbuds · 19/05/2015 21:21

Quitelikely - you are possibly my favourite poster right now.

Frankly, I don't care about the OP's 'pain' and I had some OW on my threads giving me support and advice but the difference was that they felt remorse, they knew their actions were wrong and they said the right things. This is all about how the OP feels and now she's wondering if it can last?

I truly hope it does for her as they do deserve each other.

Like I said, I have all the time in the world for anyone who admits a mistake and I totally understand that not all marriages are perfect and can survive but I never ever looked at another man as a possibility like that through my 11 years with my ex because I had respect and morals.

Affairs hurt, I won't go into details on this thread but the fallout for some people is painful beyond belief! You will never understand OP as you are so blinkered in all your replies.

Rozalia · 19/05/2015 22:12

Yes, satinslippers, to man up, be honest about his feelings and leave in an amicable way. Like a decent adult treating someone with respect.

I've been very unhappy, someone "has caught my eye", ( I assume you mean felt some kind of mutual attraction?) but I wouldn't dream of cheating or being involved with a married man. I value my integrity and don't want to behave in a way that causes pain to someone else.

I'm not the only one by a long way, what an insulting post.

ShizeItsWeegie · 19/05/2015 22:30

Satin see if you can find your moral compass and give the glass a bit of a tap eh?

whattodoforthebest2 · 20/05/2015 18:45

Satin - how about behaving with dignity and respect for someone you made a commitment to, albeit years ago? Oh, and of course, bearing in mind your children's feelings about potentially having a lying cheat for a parent/role model?

Satinslippers · 20/05/2015 19:12

I am just trying to put the point across that it always seems on here that the wives who have had husbands cheat on them almost expected their husband to stay faithful to them no matter what. Cheating is not black and white, no one dares say on here that they may have had a rocky marriage anyway or that they wasn't particularly compatible with their ex. all that role model to the children is bollox, I have lots of grown up friends with fathers who cheated and they don't love them any less nor do they find themselves repeating their fathers/mothers mistakes. thats a stupid line trotted out by most women who have been cheated on. I can think of many other reasons that would fuck up a child's life that doesn't always revolve around a bad role model via cheating. Is a good role model staying with someone you don't love, fancy or like? I assume you have an ex who you hold a severe grudge against whats and as for manning up roz wouldn't that be great if all men did that in general from time to time - what a better world it would be!

saltnpepa · 20/05/2015 19:30

Sometimes marriages don't work and sometimes people take the quick route out by having an affair. Sometimes that affair turns out to be a better relationship than the marriage, and other times it's just a wake-up call for all concerned, an exit affair. Why should anyone stay in a miserable loveless relationship, things sometimes change, that's life. OP stop beating yourself up

Satinslippers · 20/05/2015 19:32

salt exactly.

Unfortunately we will get beaten down and stoned to death for having this opinion.

saltnpepa · 20/05/2015 19:41

Well we're hardly a minority, look at the divorce stats! I can't believe when people say they never would or their DH never would have an affair, I would never be arrogant as to think I am somehow 100% immune to falling for someone else or DP doing so.

whattodoforthebest2 · 20/05/2015 19:46

I suppose it depends what value you put on the marriage. If it's that easily disposed of, then why bother in the first place?

Satinslippers · 20/05/2015 19:46

This is what I think. You hear time and time again 'I never thought he would stray' or 'he just wasn't that type'. Which by reading between the lines translates into 'he is actually a decent person I just didn't end up caring about what he wanted and became selfish and now he has cheated he is an arsehole and I am a saint'.

Satinslippers · 20/05/2015 19:48

What does that even mean whats!?

saltnpepa · 20/05/2015 19:50

Sometimes husbands feck it up and wives find happiness elsewhere. Simple.

Whiskwarrior · 20/05/2015 20:01

Oh, of course, when my ex had an emotional affair for two years and then dumped me (and his kids, who he now only sees every three weeks) it was because our relationship was failing and he was unhappy?

Funny, because we were still running as a happy family and he and I were still in love and having frequent sex. He only became unhappy when the need to fuck his OW became more important than his long-term family.

And they split pretty soon after fucking too. Two sets of children without their Dad now. Two devastated ex partners.

How many exes on here are hit out of the blue by adultery when they thought everything was grand? That's the reality with a lot of the stories on here.

So spare me the 'unhappy marriages' bullshit because from what I've seen people cheat because a) they find it exciting and b) they can get away with it.

Satinslippers · 20/05/2015 20:43

Bullshit? You honestly think you still had a happy family even now you know he was shagging someone else? Fucking hell. It sounds to me like in your instance he was a prick but my point is that's not always the case.

donemekmelarf · 20/05/2015 21:46

I have lots of grown up friends with fathers who cheated and they don't love them any less

Yes, because placing more importance on what's between your legs than the future stability and happiness of your own children is the right thing to do.

It's selfish behavior whichever way you try to dress it up.
The adult is putting their own happiness before the happiness of their own children.

Rozalia · 20/05/2015 22:12

If someone's unhappy in their marriage, they can do something about it other than fuck someone else. All this bollocks on this thread, blaming the cheated on for not recognising their spouses " unhappiness". No-one's saying you should stay in a loveless marriage. But you don't have to act like a coward, not letting go of one relationship before you have hold of another.

What a load of shit. "We couldn't help it, we were unhappy, we fell in love". Poor little love birds, we had no choice but to lie, deceive, cheat. What else could we do?

I have several grown up friends who's fathers/mothers cheated and their relationship was never the same again.

whyMe2014 · 20/05/2015 22:13

^It's selfish behavior whichever way you try to dress it up.
The adult is putting their own happiness before the happiness of their own children.^

I agree.
Unfortunately there doesn't appear to be any shame in abandoning your family anymore.

whyMe2014 · 20/05/2015 22:17

Exactly Roz. These arseholes have a choice. They never seem to take responsibility for what they have done..."they couldn't help it"...absolute bollocks!

Fairenuff · 20/05/2015 22:24

Do I carry on and live with the guilt? Or is this just going to end as badly as it started ?

Well obviously you carry on with the guilt. There's no way to 'get rid' of it.

I'm confused about what you mean when you say is this going to end badly. Is what going to end badly? How much more 'bad' could your situation get any way?

formerdiva · 20/05/2015 22:34

My DH's friend put it best or me. When a guy in their social circle left his wife and young children for an OW, DH's friends were disgusted. In particular one said that when you choose to have a child, you're making a 20 year plan that you don't bail out of.

You may get bored, you may not have fulfilment, but the truth is once you have children your happiness isn't the priority anymore.

OP - I honestly don't know what it is you need to do now to put things right for your DD, but that should be central to every decision you take. Good luck.

Whiskwarrior · 20/05/2015 22:37

Actually Satin I was perfectly happy, the kids were perfectly happy, he obviously wanted to have his cake and eat it. But he only decided he wanted out when I rumbled him. And he regrets fucking everything up.

As you weren't party to my relationship I don't think get to comment on the ins and outs of it, thanks.

And yes, bullshit. The majority of cheated on women on this board tend to say they felt things were fine until they discovered the affair. The majority seem to be with pricks (including me), not nice men who make a little mistake.

A mistake is not repeatedly fucking the same person. That's just sleazy, shitty, selfish behaviour, as in the OP's case.

Satinslippers · 21/05/2015 06:22

I'm not saying that having an affair is ok by any means the knock on effect it has is often devastating for all concerned. But no man shags someone else or even has his head turned slightly if he is in a happy marriage I'm sorry whisk but you are delusional if you think otherwise - why on earth would he fuck another women if everything was utterly perfect with you? I've no doubt he does regret the fuck up but it still doesn't prove he was in a perfect marriage with you. And I'm sure you and the kids was happy as are many oblivious wives when they have devious deceitful husbands. They know exactly what to do and how to act in order for you not to suspect a thing.

without using your situation whisk in some instances both people need to take some kind of reasponsibility for an affair. What about the men that leave their wives and go on to form new relationships that last for the rest of their lives? You can't tar all men with the same brush that decide they don't want to spend 20 years making their child happy when they are miserable - it's very noble to say that the reality I suspect is very different. Reminds me of a boy in college whose parents sat him down shortly after his 18th birthday to tell him they was splitting up. Apparently they had been unhappy for years but wanted to keep it together for him. Was he thankful? No! It fucked him up, he couldn't get to grips that most of his growing up was a lie.

If you truly believe in all that and that marriage is a commitment for life and having a child means putting them first for 20 years then you should take back your cheating spouse for the sake of them then oh and don't complain, you are very noble.

Bambino1234 · 21/05/2015 07:08

Even if your not happy there are kinder ways to let go of a partner you've spent years loving and had children with.
Had my partner sat down with me and told me of this "great" unhappiness he felt, we could of discussed if things were salvageable, maybe we both felt the same after all having two small children both working and having no real time together wore away at us but we always used to end the day knowing life is hard but hopefully it'll get easier.

What my partner did was take the cowards way out - he was too seeing a married co worker ! He wasn't able to admit it even after I caught then together - he went cold and uncaring on us the day he left, the contrite attitude of him and ow thinking they are one of Shakespeare's great loves made me question my own self worth.

I hold on to the fact that I am his childrens mother. He will have to be involved with ME for the forseeable and I intend to have the best life possible and when it finally hits him that he left three people who loved him unconditionally I shall be too happy to care about his pitty party!!!

JimmyChoosChimichanga · 21/05/2015 07:29

Satin Two mates in a bar, one says to the other, 'How are you, Sue and the kids?' Answer, 'Brilliant mate, I couldn't be happier'. First bloke (nodding across the room) then says, 'You'd still shag the barmaid though right? Second bloke, 'In a heartbeat mate, I'm forty, not dead!'
For many men, this is how it is. Not all but some. In the unlikely event they get a chance with the barmaid they would shag her because they think NO-ONE WILL FIND OUT. Sometimes they get found out because if they are stupid enough to shag the barmaid they are stupid enough to not cover their tracks.
Satin this is one of the fundamental and basic things about (some) men that most MNetters know. You just don't know this yet that is all. Hang around a little longer and the truth will dawn.

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