Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

DH said something and I think it's a dealbreaker.

38 replies

DuchessOfEssex · 19/05/2015 15:57

Bit of background: I am NC with my parents as they are emotionally abusive narcissists who have said and done some terrible things to me. DH is (or rather, I thought he was, supportive about this and on my side). DH has a habit of saying things that aren't pleasant then making out that it's my fault and storming off and then sulking when I pull him up on things or get upset.

Last night he got back from work in a foul mood and started moaning at me as I was making a pasta meal and he wanted meat. When I said he was out of order speaking to me like that he said "You're just like your mother". I got upset and said not to ever say that again, and was crying, and he stormed out and said he needed to get away from me.

He got home an hour later and said he was sick of my attitude, and I told him to pack his bags, which is when he started backpedalling, saying I had taken it the wrong way (!!!).

I really feel like it's a dealbreaker and I cannot get past it. He knows how much I hate my mother and about how much abuse I've suffered and about how I have always tried so so very hard NOT to be like her!

Any advice? x

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 19/05/2015 15:59

Oh dear OP. He sounds abusive tbh. So if anything he's one who is like your mother.

RandomMess · 19/05/2015 15:59

Blimey that was completely below the belt of him.

If you cannot get past it then it is over by default.

How do you generally find your relationship? Is it worth trying to salvage it via therapy together?

NameChange30 · 19/05/2015 15:59

Btw this is why he's abusive:
"DH has a habit of saying things that aren't pleasant then making out that it's my fault and storming off and then sulking when I pull him up on things or get upset."

Original poster

DuchessOfEssex · 19/05/2015 16:01

Relationship is ok; he's a bit lazy and detached from the kids and I, and doesn't seem to respect me hugely.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 19/05/2015 16:02

And that's ok?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/05/2015 16:08

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs within you does he meet?.

Is this really a role model of a relationship you want to model to your children?. You are with someone who is lazy, detached from the children and refuses to take responsibility for his own actions. He is adept at blaming you instead; a typical tactic used by abusive men to further isolate and control their victims.

He seems to be not all that dissimilar to your own emotionally abusive parents.

GloopyGhoul · 19/05/2015 16:19

DH has a habit of saying things that aren't pleasant then making out that it's my fault and storming off and then sulking when I pull him up on things or get upset

This is gaslighting.

mummytime · 19/05/2015 16:19

You need to stick with telling him to get out (at least for a while). And then start to reassess your boundaries etc. Maybe do the Freedom Program, read Toxic Families, get some counselling.

You may have settled for what you thought you were worth given the rubbish self-image your parents have given you.

GoatsDoRoam · 19/05/2015 16:25

DH has a habit of saying things that aren't pleasant then making out that it's my fault and storming off and then sulking when I pull him up on things

I think it's his whole pattern of behaviour that's problematic here. Not just the one comment.

It's sad to hear you say that he "doesn't respect you hugely". What do you mean by that? Do you think there can be a relationship on a foundation of little respect?

Zucker · 19/05/2015 16:26

Relationship is ok; he's a bit lazy and detached from the kids and I, and doesn't seem to respect me hugely. = Relationship is not ok! You sound like you'd be a hell of a lot happier if he wasn't around OP.

pocketsaviour · 19/05/2015 16:26

I think you've swapped an overtly abusive relationship with your parents for a covertly abusive one with your DH.

When you've been subject to abuse it's easy to fall for the next person to come along, thinking "Oh he doesn't hit me/swear at me/steal from me so therefore he's lovely!"

You've also had an upbringing which probably gave you no clear boundaries or self respect. This makes it hard to stand up for yourself and leaves you vulnerable to bullshit like "making out that it's my fault and storming off".

Your DH, in a moment of childish sulking about the dinner that you were very nicely cooking for him, decided to hit you with an insult that he knew would be the most hurtful thing possible to say.

From what you describe, this doesn't even sound particularly out of character for him.

I would be looking to move on from him. You deserve way better than this.

BTW my ex, when I was in the process of leaving, once threw at me "You're just like your dad!" My dad molested me for several years. My ex knew this. I just looked at him and said "Given you've never met my dad, please do explain exactly how I am like him." Ex just gawped at me like a stunned goldfish. Twat.

Original poster

DuchessOfEssex · 19/05/2015 17:13

He was lovely for the first few years of our relationship but in recent years has just got nastier and nastier towards me :(

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 19/05/2015 17:16

They always are lovely to begin with. How else do they reel you in?

Original poster

DuchessOfEssex · 19/05/2015 17:46

He always says it's my fault that he's changed though. Even though I'm not horrible to him. He thinks I'm picky and nasty for pulling him up on things he says and does.

Overall I am not happy and I don't think it is going to work out.

OP posts:

nicenewdusters · 19/05/2015 17:50

If it feels like it's a deal breaker for you that's all that matters. As a one-off remark in an otherwise healthy, happy relationship you might be able to move on. Reading your op and following posts it looks more like the final straw.

I would also say he doesn't have a "habit" of saying unpleasant things to you. Biting your nails is a habit - he's choosing to say these things to you, and he knows what effect they will have.

D0oinMeCleanin · 19/05/2015 17:55

No one has the power to intrinsically change another person, if they did all of these abusive men would have been changed by their victims, would they not?

He hasn't changed OP, he's relaxed now that he thinks he has you where he needs you.

I used to wait to for my ex to change 'back' he never did. He never will. There is no back. There was only him putting on a facade of niceness.

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 19/05/2015 17:58

Stick to telling him to get out. You need to feel strong and secure in your own home/family unit. He is impeding that.

OnlyLovers · 19/05/2015 18:04

started moaning at me as I was making a pasta meal and he wanted meat.

My DP would NEVER do this. I would never do it to him if he were cooking either.

That's a healthy relationship. Your DH's comment was below the belt but it sounds like just one small symptom of a lot of things that are wrong.

Meerka · 19/05/2015 18:07

To put what he actually said on one side for a moment: DH has a habit of saying things that aren't pleasant then making out that it's my fault and storming off and then sulking when I pull him up on things or get upset.

My first thought was, can you speak to him and does he want this relationship to work?.

If he does, then he will listen and he will work on changing. But YOU have to pull him up on it - hard, every single time.

He was lovely for the first few years of our relationship but in recent years has just got nastier and nastier towards me

My second thought was - you're in trouble I'm afraid.

I think you can still talk to him and let him know that his behaviour is NOT ok and that this has to change. Now.

If he changes will depend on if he wants to . Even then you would have to pull him up on it every single time. But that won't work unless he is really invested in the relationship and wants it to work.

If he doesn't, then you have a stark choice: put up with him getting nasty and being distant. Or separate. you cannot change him. Only he can change him

You can only give an ultimatum once. If you don't carry it through, you've proved you don't mean what you say and he can do what he wants.

I think you're at a turning point. Either he improves or it's over. Or you become a doormat who walks in fear of his moods.

If it's over, consider some counselling as there is a chance that you're drawn to abusive people because that is the pattern laid down from your earliest years. I say only consider because not everyone is influenced to choose bastards, and also counselling is not for everyone. But it can help a lot, sometimes.

Wishing you luck.

Skiptonlass · 19/05/2015 18:11

Nasty/ nagging for things he does = mysogynist speak for "why won't you let me do whatever I want, consequence free?"

Have you ever heard a man told off for nagging? Or be called bossy?

Nope? Me neither. It's a term used to put women down when they ask for what they want or need.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 19/05/2015 18:22

No, it's not your fault. Your abusive parents conditioned you to accept his treatment but you don't have to anymore.

You say you feel like it's a dealbreaker, maybe it should be.

Bakeoffcake · 19/05/2015 18:24

I had a similar type of mother, so understand how awful it would be for your H to say you were just like her. It's such a terrible thing for him to say.

My DH knows what my mother was like and he would never say I was like her (unless I was doing something like abandoning my dc) and he would know it was the end of our relationship.

foraret · 19/05/2015 18:31

yes, agree, he is the one who is like your mother.

ShizeItsWeegie · 19/05/2015 19:34

He's gone for the nuclear option with impunity. MY DH once said I was just like my sister. I told him if he ever said that to me again it would be over. I mean it too. That would be the last thing he said to me. I would not want to be with someone that was prepared to push that button and mean it because of what it indicates about him and his attitude towards me. I would say it is a dealbreaker in the context of everything else your DH does too. Him saying he didn't mean it is minimising and that is the preserve of the abuser for sure. He is partly blaming you for 'taking it the wrong way'. Tosser!

Meerka · 19/05/2015 19:56

By saying "you took it the wrong way" he means "i meant to be mean and hurt you and now I'm pretending I dind't so that you seem to be mean".

What actually happened:

You took it exactly the way he meant it.

Now he wants to either retract, or pretend you're being unreasonable.

Neither is pleasant or kind.

Way to deal with it? Answer "I took it exactly the way you meant it. Now change or fuck off"

Consider photocoping all vital documents and sort out your finances. Watch your back, because he's playing games. Either he shapes up if he really cares about you, or he will undermine you extensively.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread