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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can I win him back?

72 replies

lonelymillie · 19/05/2015 11:49

Following on from my previous thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2379477-how-do-I-boost-my-self-esteem-fed-up i know this is going against the grain of everything, but i am hurting so much and i cannot bear to be without him.

He only mentioned leaving her for me about 5 weeks ago. Now he is saying its for the best we end it and that i will never know how much this has upset him, and he will never get over it. he has every chance to have me, i dont understand :( i went without texting him, it was him who got back in touch to see if i was ok..he asked if i planned on never talking to him again and i said i was worried i'd text and he wouldnt reply. i texted him this morning saying i missed him and cannot stop thinking about him and he replied saying it wont last forever.

i know i should stop contact. but i miss him soooo much, i cant eat, i cant stop crying, he is all i can think about and all i want is for him to take me back.

has anyone ever been in this position and did it work out eventually? i know he has feelings for me but i dont understand why this cant happen. im devastated. i am also selfish i know.

OP posts:

amyd42 · 19/05/2015 14:24

I should also mention, as soon as the ex saw I was having a great time, he came sniffing around again and suggested he'd made a mistake. But luckily I was in a good place so put a quick stop to it. And as for a 'type', yep all my exes have been well toned, nice hair, athletic/rugby players. My husband is bald, 10 years older than me with a bit of a tum! When it's the real thing, all of the other stuff matters more, and to me he's beautiful just because he's him, not because he has a six pack! (Anyone want me to pass them a sick bucket??) x

AlwaysAFool · 19/05/2015 14:27

At 25 your are scared of being alone and you are willing to accept 2nd best to a man who is taken and has the best of both worlds.
Why would he want to change it?
He doesn't love you he is selfish to the core And his poor wife!

you need to block him from your life you deserve to love yourself more than this and the right available person will come to you in time.
Forget all the personal relationship connections and get some counselling for some self esteem and read some books About what love And self respect is.

NeverSayNoToPanda · 19/05/2015 14:34

Your story has made me feel quite sad for you.

One of the most important lessons I learned about picking a good partner was when I learned to pay little attention to what they said, and watched how they behaved instead. When the words dont match how they're acting, that's a red flag.

This, for example :
"im most upset that he gave me the thought that we could be together,"

He had a lot of reasons to keep letting you have hope that you'd be together. It was in his interest to give you that impression. But his behaviour (he didn't leave his girlfriend) didn't match up with the pretty words.
Wishing you all the best, do seek out counselling.

Original poster

lonelymillie · 19/05/2015 14:40

i forgot to mention aswell, earlier he said it is his fault for how im feeling as he shouldn't have let it go on for so long. this makes me feel like he regrets ever having anything to do with me, but it was only on sunday where he said this will kill him for the rest of his life and he will never be as gutted about anything else again - all this whilst he could have me all to himself in the click of a finger.

i won't talk to him again. i just dread ever seeing him, seeing his social media/friends social media and knowing how happy he is with his plans etc. i have signed up to join a local sports club and i know i need to learn to love myself. i just can't get over this, i feel raw. i feel drained. it feels like my heart has physically sunk to the pit of my stomach x

OP posts:

maras2 · 19/05/2015 15:21

Please see your doctor and request a referral for counselling.This amount of grief is going to make you very ill.He's a cheat and does not deserve to be fought over by two women.Good luck.

mardeymum · 19/05/2015 15:28

what your doing trying to take a man off another women is wrong plain and simple, he doesn't exactly sound like a great catch either. If you want some advice I'd say get some respect for yourself, block his number/ change yours and work on trying to find a normal healthy relationship, there's plenty of good guys out left out there that won't treat you like dirt

Original poster

lonelymillie · 19/05/2015 15:48

maras2 i would describe this exactly to the grief i felt when i lost somebody, i have only experienced that feeling once and this matches it perfectly except he hasn't died :( in some ways i think it is harder because when somebody dies, that it is, you cannot talk to them, but i know he is out there and contactable but i just cant talk to him.

i have had people ask what is wrong with me as i just aren't myself. i look ill. i would feel silly going to my GP over the breakup of what isnt even my bf :(

OP posts:

Duckdeamon · 19/05/2015 15:58

Yes, love yourself. Go "cold turkey" and it will get better!

He hasn't shown you love. How happy or otherwise he is isn't important-your happiness (without him) is. His words were and are bollocks. I feel very sorry for his GF as well, she does not have a prize partner there poor woman.

Block him from social media FFS.

Duckdeamon · 19/05/2015 16:00

If you're upset to the point of it affecting your work or life, eating etc, and it's gone on some time you might be clinically depressed and the GP might advise talking therapy, CBT or pills.

Vivacia · 19/05/2015 16:18

i would feel silly going to my GP over the breakup

It's even sillier to ignore your health or not seek a bit of support when you need it.

but it was only on sunday where he said this will kill him for the rest of his life and he will never be as gutted about anything else again - all this whilst he could have me all to himself in the click of a finger.

I don't know why you are not getting it! Of course he could have you, he's just choosing not to. You are listening to his words when you should be looking at his actions.

IrianofWay · 19/05/2015 16:59

He's made his choice - whether you think it's the right one or not. You have a choice to make too - whether to live the life you have, or to hanker after one that you can't have. Good luck x

hoobygalooby · 19/05/2015 17:10

He's taken advantage of your grief at losing your mum too. You were vulnerable and clinging to his connection to her and he should have stayed away!

Wombat22 · 19/05/2015 17:37

Does he have children with his girlfriend op?

Original poster

lonelymillie · 19/05/2015 17:45

wombat no he has no children and said he doesn't want any anytime soon either.

I really want him to get caught, but he won't. his life carries on looking perfect but mine is shattered. I know it's not nice for his gf, so I couldn't do that, but I kind of want to do something to make him worry. I don't know what. I'm so hurt.

OP posts:

Wombat22 · 19/05/2015 17:54

So he has no real ties to her and I'm afraid that he has simply chosen her over you. I accept that you are really hurt but he's not worth your tears. He's saying that he's hurt and all that stuff to try and soften it for you, rather than just telling you the truth. He cheated on her with you and he would do the same to you. In the long run, you will be better off without him. It will just take a while for you to realise that

pompodd · 19/05/2015 18:04

OP, I think you've been given a lot of kindness and consideration in the circumstances. You have been complicit in the deception of and risk of sexual infection for this arsehole's poor girlfriend for 4 years!

Whilst it is not nice for you to feel the way that you do, and I think you do need some outside support (GP or counselling) to help you over it, I also think that you need to face up to your own very poor behaviour here. Whilst you are hurting, don't forget that there is an innocent party in all this who you don't seem to be giving a lot of consideration to.

Noneedtoworryatall · 19/05/2015 18:07

He's using you for sex. End of.

popalot · 19/05/2015 18:21

You are grieving, that's what it is. It's a horrible feeling. You can't sleep, can't function, can't eat. But it's because you gave yourself to this man and he didn't want it. It has left a huge hole in you. Not him, but the core of you that has been rejected. You are wounded.

But all wounds heal. This guy is a player. You must start thinking this way because it is reality. Do not fantasise any longer about how you love him. You were in love with a fictional character - a man who didn't really exist. He created a persona for you. But it was not real.

Now you have the chance to get away from this drain of emotions. 4 years has been long enough. He has sucked you dry. Now is your time for freedom. You must stop all contact with him and protect yourself.

At 25 you have plenty of time to enjoy men casually, as friends and possibly as lovers before you find your real match. This is not this man. Your real match will nurture your inner self, he will respect you and only you. He won't play with your emotions. There are plenty of men out there like this and they are far more exciting than selfish players. The best sex in your life will be with a man who is giving, not a man who takes and takes.

Now, it is time for you to heal. Love yourself, love who you are. Think about all the great things you do, how you care about others, what you give to people (like this man) even when they give so little in return. Spend the next forseeable future nurturing yourself. You will become a radiant, attractive young woman. He will come crawling back but you won't want him. You want better.

fancyanotherfez · 19/05/2015 18:26

Do you think you are clinging onto him because you don't think you'll meet someone else who knew your mum? Do you need grief counselling to deal with her loss? Why don't you tell her and break them up if you want to be with him so badly? Do you in your heart know that given the choice he will beg her to take him back over you?

Original poster

lonelymillie · 20/05/2015 08:57

fancy no, it's nothing really to do with my mum, i just thought it was nice there was some connection but its defo not why i dont want to lose him. i dont want to tell her and break them up just because i know the stories would get around and i dont want that reputation, its also not fair on her but i dont think she would take him back after this either.

OP posts:

Duckdeamon · 20/05/2015 10:02

"I don't want to lose him". You never had him! And he will be no true loss, seriously. The risk here has been and still is losing yourself! And your opportunities.

His life and his GF are not your concern, focus on YOU and cutting off from the pain, drama and hassle.

Duckdeamon · 20/05/2015 10:04

Oh, and your RL friends sound sensible, listen to them!

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