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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can I win him back?

72 replies

lonelymillie · 19/05/2015 11:49

Following on from my previous thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2379477-how-do-I-boost-my-self-esteem-fed-up i know this is going against the grain of everything, but i am hurting so much and i cannot bear to be without him.

He only mentioned leaving her for me about 5 weeks ago. Now he is saying its for the best we end it and that i will never know how much this has upset him, and he will never get over it. he has every chance to have me, i dont understand :( i went without texting him, it was him who got back in touch to see if i was ok..he asked if i planned on never talking to him again and i said i was worried i'd text and he wouldnt reply. i texted him this morning saying i missed him and cannot stop thinking about him and he replied saying it wont last forever.

i know i should stop contact. but i miss him soooo much, i cant eat, i cant stop crying, he is all i can think about and all i want is for him to take me back.

has anyone ever been in this position and did it work out eventually? i know he has feelings for me but i dont understand why this cant happen. im devastated. i am also selfish i know.

OP posts:

laurierf · 19/05/2015 13:06

and what if i never meet anybody else? i know i dont need a relationship to be happy, but i genuinely worry. ive been messed around two or three times now by different people. i don't know what i do wrong

Well you're only 25 and have been having an affair with this man for 4 years. So what you were doing wrong here was having an affair with someone (not the basis for a fulfilling and successful relationship!) and prior to that you were a teenager or just out of your teens…?!

Of course you are going to meet other people. But the process of building your self-esteem and getting yourself into a position when you are ready for a successful and happy relationship cannot start until you cut this man out of your life completely.

NerrSnerr · 19/05/2015 13:07

I mostly feel sorry for his girlfriend who (probably) has no idea her boyfriend has been fucking around for 4 years. To be honest OP, I would block his number, get an std test (if he's been cheating for 4 years I bet he's slept with others in this time too) and if you see him out and about hold your head up high and don't acknowledge him.

Ragwort · 19/05/2015 13:08

Sorry, but you DO come over as totally clingy and needy - this guy is NOT INTERESTED. Accept it, get some hobbies, do some voluntary work. Get some self respect.

Vivacia · 19/05/2015 13:08

vivacia i purposely make sure that i'm not! i always make sure i don't come accross as clingy or anything like that. i probably look that way to him now, but after 4 years i cannot help telling him how much i feel for him and miss him.

You can help it.

If he treats you like this and then you tell him how much you love him and miss him you are sending him a clear signal that he can continue to treat you like shit. You are being needy. That's not an attractive quality.

Original poster

lonelymillie · 19/05/2015 13:08

quitelikely she knew something was going on at the start and she never did anything. shes obviously in love with him too, and to everybody from the outside they have the perfect little life. it makes me upset knowing he can continue yet im at work crying at my desk and have to suffer whereas his life doesn't change at all.

OP posts:

GinSoakedBitchyPony · 19/05/2015 13:09

Your self-esteem will never improve while you're sleeping with, and mad about, someone who has a girlfriend. You must see that?

He didn't get in touch because he was worried about you. Believe me.

He's telling you what you want to hear when he says he's thought about leaving his girlfriend every day.

He will 'get over it' (although I doubt he needs to). And so will you.

GinSoakedBitchyPony · 19/05/2015 13:10

Oh poor him. Two women in his life who are both in love with him.

worldgonecrazy · 19/05/2015 13:11

Of course you can get him back - just be available for sex at the drop of a hat when he feels his ego needs stroking.

I'm sad that all you want in life is to be an ego-stroker* to a man with no respect for you or his girlfriend.

may be a euphemism for something else.

Duckdeamon · 19/05/2015 13:14

He is definitely not your soulmate, take it from MNetters, he is clearly a tosser. You certainly won't meet anyone nicer - or just enjoy life more - if you waste any more of your twenties on him. Even if he dumped his GF for you he would be a bad choice of boyfriend because he's a cheating, selfish git and doesn't respect you.

If you need help with your mental health (eg so you can keep working) suggest visiting your GP.

NerrSnerr · 19/05/2015 13:15

What do you want from your future OP? Do you want marriage, kids, holidays with your significant other, to buy a house together etc? If so, then you do not want this man back, he will never give you any of these (unless he gets you pregnant by accident and you're left as a single parent). If he loved you he would have left his girlfriend sometime in the last 4 years.

Original poster

lonelymillie · 19/05/2015 13:20

nerr that's all i want :( i look at my parents who were married 35+ years (my mum has died) and thats all i have ever wanted - to be a wife, a mum, but i feel its out of my reach and something ill never acheive. i know people in their 30's and 40's who are childless and single and it scares me.

he has since texted saying he doesn't wanna go over it all again.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 19/05/2015 13:25

It's something you will never achieve whilst you're setting your sights on a man who prefers someone else.

Duckdeamon · 19/05/2015 13:26

It isn't out of your reach, but it will be if you continue to make poor choices.

Original poster

lonelymillie · 19/05/2015 13:37

he is lucky i dont go and ruin it all for him :(

OP posts:

CatherineOfAbdomen · 19/05/2015 13:41

There's no point in going all Glen Close about it.
Chances are she'll probably forgive him anyway.
You really need to expand your horizons. Feeling at 25 that you'll never meet anyone else, really?

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 19/05/2015 13:50

why would you want someone who would lie to two people who loved him for four years? What an arsehole.

25 is so so so young. Enjoy your youth and your freedom! Don't waste your best years on this dickhead who clearly couldn't give a shit about anyone but himself.

Regain control. Cut ALL contact. The only way to get over it is to stop feeding the drama and look forward.
Block him. Delete him. Ignore him.

I'm sure his ego will have him falling over himself to contact you if you cut him off but ignore. It's only to boost his own ego!

The only way to kill a crush is to stop feeding it and go non contact. Keep yourself busy.

Toastandstrawberryjam · 19/05/2015 13:58

I can see right now all you can think about is winning him back. I presume you don't mean in the way you had him, which puts paid to any hopes of a family for you. But if you mean properly getting him there is something you can try....
Delete his details, go NC, focus on improving your career, travelling, gets new hobby, do some online dating. He will contact but continue to ignore, focus all that love and attention on YOU for once. Think of it as a long term plan to happiness because you know what? If he turns round and wants you at the end of it then I guarantee you won't want him. You will see that he really isn't worth it.

And if you start to falter think of what your mum would want for you. I would be heartbroken if one of my DDs threw away their youth on a cheater.

Stop thinking of yourself as somebody who takes the crumbs, go out there and get the whole cake. With icing. And sprinkles.

Give yourself a chance for proper happiness.

Original poster

lonelymillie · 19/05/2015 14:03

toast my mum was good friends with his mum and i think it consoled me a bit knowing it was somebody who was sort of connected to her, she died nearly 6 years ago. my dad would go mental if he found out about this and how i felt, he would be mad at me too.

thank you for the advice. i won't contact him again even though it is going to hurt immensely :(

OP posts:

Miggsie · 19/05/2015 14:06

You are letting your fear of being single cloud your judgement.
You have prioritised having a man over being happy.
Even if you were his wife and mum to his kids I doubt you'd be happy then because he'd still treat you badly and you'd still be unhappy.

Concentrate on being a person who is happy and confident - then the decent man and marriage will come along afterwards.

By being so desperate you are allowing a really pathetic man to treat you badly. If you ever really needed someone he'd run a mile.

Get some good friends and become happy within yourself.
Then think about relationships, don't fixate on relationships and forget yourself as a person.

If you could, get a dog or a pet who will be your companion. I think you text this man about of habit and fear of being alone. There is nothing wrong with being on your own.

Toastandstrawberryjam · 19/05/2015 14:07

I thought there might be a connection somewhere. That's another reason you are clinging to him because of that. But it's ok to let go of that connection.

I really do think counselling would help such a lot. Do you have RL friends to talk to?

Hold onto that thought that your dad wouldn't be happy. That's something to concentrate on.

Please don't waste anymore of your years on him.

amyd42 · 19/05/2015 14:15

I've been there, when I was 27. Heart completely smashed. After moving out and selling our house, I moved into a rental with my bestie for a year and had an absolute ball! I then met the man who is now my husband and daddy to my little boy. I look back at the heart-breaker with no sadness at all. Totally the best thing that happened but just took a long time to figure it out. I promise it will get better x

Original poster

lonelymillie · 19/05/2015 14:16

I do have RL friends and they say how silly ive been and they say to never talk to him again. one of my friends wants to say something to him, but ive told her it would make things far worse.

im most upset that he gave me the thought that we could be together, and now it doesnt bother him :( he ended it before by simply just blocking me. i was gutted and messaged him on facebook to which he said he had been caught and has no choice. months later though we saw each other and have been seeing ever since. he hasnt blocked me this time. i know i dont paint a pretty picture, but to me, depsite the situation, he was perfect. i know its going to take me a long time to get over this :(

OP posts:

TSSDNCOP · 19/05/2015 14:17

He's checking in just to make himself feel better and more importantly to make sure you're not going to cause him any trouble.

You're too close to see it, but you're being played by someone who uses your vulnerabilities to keep you compliant and dangling.

You really, really need to follow the practical advice here and go no contact and get an appt with your GP. In a whole you'll kick yourself when you look back, but in the meantime take one day at a time.

Original poster

lonelymillie · 19/05/2015 14:18

amy that does give me hope - at the moment i cannot imagine meeting anybody again. i guess i have a "type" too and he was just that. i hope i find happiness one day as i don't think i have ever experienced what that feels like x

OP posts:

Original poster

lonelymillie · 19/05/2015 14:20

tssdncop im not the kind of person to do that, and he knows it. although i would like to cause him grief, just bcause i dont think its fair how upset i am and he gets off scot free, i cant becsause i love him too much to see him upset/angry and it wouldn't be fair on his gf. he knows he is safe. he knows i wont do anything.

OP posts:

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