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Original poster

9 year old DD wants NC MiL to come this evening for her birthday tea. I just have to suck it up dont I?

52 replies

Lurgano · 18/05/2015 13:32

My MiL has been v difficult with me over the years - she has NPD and also an alcoholic.

I have done the dutiful DiL for many years but at the beginning of the year my DH and I separated and MiL was especially difficult to me and about me during this time - so I decided to go NC when we split.

Children still continue to see her as organised by DH - and have not clicked yet that I am NC.

DH and I have recently (4 weeks) got back together to try again and it is very painful and emotional (there was an OW). DH has been v respectful to keep MiL out of my way at this time as I am feeling especially vulnerable.

She has not been to our house for 6 months - but my 9 year old DD wants MiL to come for tea this evening for DD birthday.

Do I just do this for DD? Should I be able to get over my own insecurities?
The marriage is struggling and I just dont think that I can cope with her sneers, jibes etc and I dont want to be hospitable and fawn all over her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lurgano · 18/05/2015 20:19

Lougle - no not diagnosed as narc - but highly manipulative, very difficult woman, with not a friend in the world - totally deluded - doesnt like me - doesnt like anyone incredibly bitter and inappropriate socially etc. I only came across NPD on here in the past year and have researched it elsewhere - totally fits -- the main point being that you will never ever gain and compromise etc

OP posts:
RonaldMcDonald · 18/05/2015 20:43

very often other symptoms of effects of alcoholism can seem like something else
I wonder why she drinks?

anyway try to understand her as who she is and stop labelling her. It is unkind and inappropriate.

Other than that you have to do the things that are right for you and your family.
Be respectful of your feeings and try to be more straightforward with both your h and your mil

Original poster
Lurgano · 19/05/2015 09:49

"Unkind and inappropriate" - really? She is an alcoholic who sucks the NHS dry and has emotionally blighted the lives of her now adult children. We have all tried for years and years to support her - she refuses to acknowledge she has a problem and refused support. I am trying to draw a line to protect and defend our fragile family unit.

Anyway evening passed off fine - had a nice time DH explained that GM had to do something else and that they would pop over to visit today .... however DD is now insisting that I take her to see GM and not DH .... so it is obvious that she is not going to be distracted by my smoke and mirrors tactics and has clocked that there is an issue specifically with me - which means she will blame me specifically for the GM not coming to our house.

I have told DH that he needs to have a frank conversation with his DM about her scaring and manipulating our DD about her health - which she will deny, kick off about and then just ignore and carry on............so plan B need to be more open with my DD.

OP posts:
RonaldMcDonald · 19/05/2015 10:36

She has an addiction, it doesn't make it easier to live through but it can make it easier to understand some of her behaviours
I was interested that you also said she has NPD. Is this diagnosed or does she show narc traits?
Have you had counselling for living as a family with an alcoholic - it can help you come to terms with what you have all dealt with living with her illness and help to reframe her
I can certainly understand that it can become beyond exhausting and draining living with someone who has addiction problems

If I were you I'd speak to your H before deciding to tell your truths about your MiL to your daughter. Allow him to be part of the process and make decisions about what and how your tell her together

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/05/2015 10:43

Many narcissists are not clinically diagnosed because they never seek help (they think they are just fine). Also such people rarely if ever do well in therapy sessions.

There is a very fine line between supporting and actually enabling someone with an addiction.

You certainly as parents need to protect your DD from her grandmother whether your DH is on board with that process or not (some men can indeed be spineless when it comes to their mother).

RonaldMcDonald · 19/05/2015 11:47

Many people are 'diagnosed' on a talk board, that is so far from helpful

Accepting is not the same as enabling. Seeking therapy for how to deal with living as familiy members of an addict isn't enabling her MiL but might help the OP.
The OP's truth might be miles away from her h's or her Mil's. That is why I suggested as combined approach. A MiL shaped spanner in the fragile marriage isn't helpful at this point and discussions with the H might prevent this from occuring.
It is about how to try to bring the family back to a place of understanding and at the same time supporting the OP and her family with having to live with an addict...learning how to communicate better

Original poster
Lurgano · 19/05/2015 11:52

Our sole focus right now is clinging on by our finger nails trying to put our family unit back together after the horrific year we have been through with our marriage collapse. It is all about priorities - these are my DH and 4 DCs.

I have no energy or appetite left at this time, to indulge/support/enable/understand or be exposed to anymore of the nonsense and abuse from the alcoholic NPD MiL.

As I have already said up thread I am not aware that she has been officially diagnosed as NPD - she is a diagnosed alcoholic.

OP posts:
Damnautocorrect · 19/05/2015 12:08

I too am nc with an in law, I've also cut contact for dc's. At first (well for a few years!) I just said 'no we can't see x today'. There would be tears and questions I'd answer in a vague way.
One day I just said 'no we can't see x, as they weren't nice to us this happened and that happened'
Dc's never asked again, never cried again. They understood (youngest was 4 when I told them).
It was age appropriate and brief. Honesty is the best policy. I'd guess the mil is either pushing your daughter or she's picked up and is confused so pushing it

Damnautocorrect · 19/05/2015 12:09

I mean your daughters confused not your mil.

RonaldMcDonald · 19/05/2015 12:36

I'm sorry to hear about your husband's affair and I hope with time you'll be able to work through his betrayal of your trust

It must be especially difficult with MiL as you have been so kind to her and she was aware of his affair before you were.

Original poster
Lurgano · 19/05/2015 12:42

Damn - I know both are happening. Thanks for your story - it gives me courage to be honest/authentic.

Ronald - I really appreciate your points on communication and I have done Al anon to try to understand MiL (and late alcoholic FiL) - notably DH has not done this although he does "admit" the issue. We have dealt with them both for over 30 years with no positive outcome - at this time I just need protecting from it all as I have bigger fish to fry closer to home in the short term.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lurgano · 19/05/2015 12:48

Thanks Ronald - it is soooo painful and I am so raw. I know when I see her she will gloat and sneer at my misery over the affair (as she has done so already behind my back during the past 6 months) - and I need to emotionally protect myself from that as I am battered. The separation suited the MiL very well as DH went to live with her - the fact that he is back home and she has less control and he is now not dancing to her erratic NPD alcoholic tune has rattled her big time.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/05/2015 12:50

How about

"I know you want to see MIL but I don't. She's has hurt my feelings very badly so it's now up to DH and Aunt x etc. to visit and look after her I've done my share."

RandomMess · 19/05/2015 12:52

I would actually say something about "when daddy was living with her she was very nasty about me to him"

Stop protecting your dd from how nasty she really is.

Original poster
Lurgano · 19/05/2015 12:56

I might just say - "GM does nt like me so I am keeping out of her way"

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/05/2015 13:09

Sounds fair enough. If she keeps bringing it up, I would suspect that MIL is really pushing the issue and I would then be more erm brutal with the truth!

Damnautocorrect · 19/05/2015 13:14

Is your dd aware of the drink issue?

Original poster
Lurgano · 19/05/2015 13:45

None of the children are not aware of the MiL drink issue - but the 3 teens have been told about death of GF from alcoholism in the context of the risk of inherited addiction. We manage their contact with MiL to minimise the impact.

OP posts:
rumbleinthrjungle · 19/05/2015 16:39

'GM doesn't like me' suggests a position of power to GM that you are submitting to. 'GM is nasty to me, or I don't like how GM behaves to me' are clearer and more factual as this will no doubt be told back to GM or dd will be asked questions about it.

The trouble with being the better person and not giving information is that unfortunately people with less principles will take full advantage to spread their side of things unimpeded. In the end it is better to be blunt.

My parents went NC with my DF's very difficult parents when I was a child and just told us simply that Grandma had behaved badly, it was not ok to treat people this way and it was better for our family to stay away. She had a good go at letter manipulation of me in my teens- actually it was a good try at manipulating DF using me as a tool, and I hated it, made me utterly miserable - but I wasn't drawn in as had been helped since a child to see through what she did and that it was a game she played.

Meerka · 19/05/2015 17:24

My parents went NC with my DF's very difficult parents when I was a child and just told us simply that Grandma had behaved badly, it was not ok to treat people this way and it was better for our family to stay away.

that's how I've handled going NC with a sister too. Said that if she apologised then we could talk again but that it's not okay to call people mean things over and over.

lougle · 19/05/2015 18:01

Lurgano, I just wanted to say that I wasn't intending to seem disbelieving, I was curious and wondering where the line between 'selfish, mean and manipulative' and NPD lies.

From your further posts it sounds like all you can do is tell your DD as much of the truth as necessary to explain your decision. It might be a time to remind her that a parent doesn't do what their child wants, they do what is best. If the two coincide everyone is happy. If not, she just has to get on with it.

Original poster
Lurgano · 20/05/2015 12:12

The trouble with being the better person and not giving information is that unfortunately people with less principles will take full advantage to spread their side of things unimpeded. In the end it is better to be blunt.

Wow this is so true - have been stung in this situation before trying to do the dignified silence thing...

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/05/2015 12:23

What would be very telling - ask your DD why she thinks you don't want to see MIL/have MIL in your house?

She probably has far more insight than you realise and she may actually spill that MIL has been pressurising her!!

Original poster
Lurgano · 21/05/2015 06:33

That is a good point RM - I will do that. She asked me again to take her to see her GM after school today (not seen her yet) - I just said "No I dont want to - but your Dad will later" - which is as direct as I have been to date - she did not ask anything further at that point - but I know I should be more direct with her.

OP posts:
schlong · 21/05/2015 08:45

Do not allow this woman to manipulate your daughter any longer. See it as protecting her and sparing her from a pernicious negative relationship. What is she gaining from this relationship and your inability to be honest with her? An evil witch who actually gloats over your h's affair and revels in the pain it has caused you and by extension your dc has no right to have a relationship with your precious dd. No way.

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