What to do?

[TooFatForDP]

I have name changed for this as quite frankly I am embarrassed about the situation I have found myself in.

DP and I have been together for 18 months, he now lives with me and DD. We are both in our 40s and have been through a fair amount in a relatively short period...my DP's bankruptcy- he had ignored his debts for seven years. He had major work issues that meant he had to completely change careers; he had issues with a long time friend who went out of his way to split us up and destroy him professionally with frankly illegal behaviour. All of which I have supported him through emotionally and financially but which were nevertheless tough for him.

Cut to the last couple of months and I have become frustrated with how he behaves towards me. Nothing nasty, just a lack of attention. He never compliments me, only tells me he loves me if I say it first and has been completely selfish towards me in bed. He doesn't touch me with his hands in a sexual manner, no touching my breasts or attempts to turn me on (this is hard!). He doesn't give me oral sex, yet expects it in return. We have a lot of PIV sex but it is always a "quickie" and I have never orgasmed.

I have tried to talk to him about it. Calmly, angrily, emotionally but nothing works. He is downright selfish. So this morning we are having a conversation and I say, "I need to know if this is going to change or if I need to decide whether or not this is something I can accept or need to move on from". He says "You've put shed loads of weight on what do you expect?"

His words were like a knife to my heart. I have always known he is a bit selfish and vain but I didn't think he was quite this shallow. I have put weight on but I am a size 12, hardly massive. I am a professional, sensible well presented woman who has done well for herself as a single parent for sixteen years.

I want a bit of perspective...right now I am hurt and angry and want to LTB. I feel like I am getting nothing out of our relationship, sexually, emotionally, financially, physically. Yet, I love him. I'm a fool aren't I? Or is my weight gain an issue that I should be dealing with?

Well, it's within your power to change it

He's obviously rattled.

It is in my power and he's clearly rattled.

Not rattled enough for a proper apology however. He's sorry if he upset me? Clearly he's not sorry for being a selfish, vain, misogynistic, narcissistic piece of shit.

I'm sorry I ever met him.

You sound like an accomplished woman who doesn't know her own worth.

First step is to get rid of him.You will never meet another decent guy whilst you put your emotional energy into this man.

You have proven you have the capability for a loving relationship, don't waste it on him.

get shut of him.

here, put your Big Girl Pants on

Great pant, AF - a gal could seriously get into her stride wearing them

So he's fetched up with a bunch of flowers that you've paid for. OP.

What are you going to do now? Fall on his neck and say 'honey forgive me for being a big fat bitch... I'll join Weightwatchers tomorrow'?

Ahem... I have been too distracted by the risk to your busniess to draw your attention to your MN name, OP . Would you please consider changing it?

Oh you've the measure of him! How great not to read a painful thread where you're so worried for the person not getting rid.

I always love a good "I'm sorry if I upset you". Shithead. "If"?!!! Arse.

Before I even got to what he was like, I thought - aye aye, common denominator here, all those bad things to poor little him. Not that I'm saying you should have seen - less obvious when you're in the thick of it.

Solicitor as you're doing, and get shot of him.
You could keep employing him if he was worth it of course. But I rather suspect he's not all that.

If you could persuade him to resign somehow, it would be a nice neat ending.

I expect you will have to pay him off. It would neatly round off this whole ill-judged debacle.

I will be changing by name back shortly....

Thank you all. You've given me the kick up the arse I needed. I do know what a mug I've been. I do know that I am not getting anything out of the relationship and he is living the life of Riley.

I've wondered from time to time where he would be without me and everything I've done for him over the last eighteen months. Today the answer has suddenly become very clear and it's more sobering than I thought it would be. He'd simply be using some other poor woman to get what he wants. No matter what, he'll be fine and we'll be better off without him.

He's cooked dinner tonight, cleaned the dishes, made me a brew and walked the dogs. He's offered to run me a bath, open a bottle of wine and lit candles to go with his "Shit I've done it this time" bouquet. I have remained proudly unmoved. He won't be getting in my bed tonight and his new reality will kick in tomorrow.

So onwards I'll go with my big girl pants, kick ass heels and massive balls and get my life and my self respect back.

Thank you mumsnet. I needed a dose of reality before I get myself off to Weightwatchers

After you've shed umpteen stone of useless lard the cocklodging tosser you won't need Weightwatchers, honey ... bin his insincere gesture flowers and reward yourself with a well-earned and a

I actually said "hurrah!" out loud at your last update OP

Just wondering how your day was today, NotFatAtAll ( )

Enquiring minds want to know: did the door hit his ass on the way out?