What to do?

[TooFatForDP]

I have name changed for this as quite frankly I am embarrassed about the situation I have found myself in.

DP and I have been together for 18 months, he now lives with me and DD. We are both in our 40s and have been through a fair amount in a relatively short period...my DP's bankruptcy- he had ignored his debts for seven years. He had major work issues that meant he had to completely change careers; he had issues with a long time friend who went out of his way to split us up and destroy him professionally with frankly illegal behaviour. All of which I have supported him through emotionally and financially but which were nevertheless tough for him.

Cut to the last couple of months and I have become frustrated with how he behaves towards me. Nothing nasty, just a lack of attention. He never compliments me, only tells me he loves me if I say it first and has been completely selfish towards me in bed. He doesn't touch me with his hands in a sexual manner, no touching my breasts or attempts to turn me on (this is hard!). He doesn't give me oral sex, yet expects it in return. We have a lot of PIV sex but it is always a "quickie" and I have never orgasmed.

I have tried to talk to him about it. Calmly, angrily, emotionally but nothing works. He is downright selfish. So this morning we are having a conversation and I say, "I need to know if this is going to change or if I need to decide whether or not this is something I can accept or need to move on from". He says "You've put shed loads of weight on what do you expect?"

His words were like a knife to my heart. I have always known he is a bit selfish and vain but I didn't think he was quite this shallow. I have put weight on but I am a size 12, hardly massive. I am a professional, sensible well presented woman who has done well for herself as a single parent for sixteen years.

I want a bit of perspective...right now I am hurt and angry and want to LTB. I feel like I am getting nothing out of our relationship, sexually, emotionally, financially, physically. Yet, I love him. I'm a fool aren't I? Or is my weight gain an issue that I should be dealing with?

He's a cocklodger and a half isn't he.

Block his access to any cash now, and if there are any company cards or accounts then block those as well. Stop him having access to any means of getting money from YOUR business. Is there any member of staff you trust who could step up and run the business?

He takes oral from you but won't retutn the fsavour and POV is for his benefit only? You're beinmg treated like a blow up doll.

Please get rid. You and your DD don't need this piece of shit in your lives. And your DD can't possibly be allowed to grow up thinking this is how a woman should be treated. I couldn't possibly treat a woman like he is treating you. I've always paid my way.

You deserve better, much better OP

cross post with BitOut but singing from the same sheet.

How did you manage the business before he appeared? And as he's bankrupted himself by ignoring money issues you need to keep him well away as soon as possible. How do you know he hasn't been dipping already?

PS..I 've got a big pair of balls you can borrow if you can't grow some soon enough. I'm not getting any use out of them.

Oh, also...helping himself to business cash? What the fuck?

ineedabody shall we link arms and march in and get it sorted while OP is at her meeting? I feel like kicking some ass today!

Likewise with ball lending. Mine are massive.

Am rooting for you, OP

You can do it

A word of caution - take advice from an employment law specialist before sacking him (unless you already have proof of him appropriating company money).

If you sack him on the basis that you're breaking up with him, he could easily bring a tribunal case for unfair dismissal, and probably win. This man is bankrupt and you suspect he's been stealing money; he's not going to play fair, is he?

Your best bet might be to make his role redundant and ask other staff to pick up his duties between themselves. Remember if you do this you cannot appoint another member of staff to whatever his job title was for at least 6 months (I think... check with ACAS.) You would also need to pay statutory redundancy which is 1 week's pay for every year worked. You might need a consultation period depending on the size of the business.

Seriously do not go in there and say "I'm breaking up with you and also you're sacked" because you'll leave yourself WIDE OPEN. and even if you intend to sell the business, you'd still be personally liable at tribunal :(

You may of course be well aware of this already, but I see a lot of people saying "just sack him" - you cannot do that, guys! We have employment laws for a reason!

This man clearly doesn't love or respect you.
He's definitely seeing you as some sort of cash cow and in it for himself. You've dug him from a hole and he liked it.
When he comes home, get hold of the keys, cards and any way he has of accessing your money/property, sack him, kick him out, temporarily promote a trusted employee and call your employees to say he is no longer working there and police must be called immediately if he steps onto and/or attempts to remove money from the premesis.
His face will be precious!

Good point about the sacking. Hopefully he has taken money from the business today. That's a stackable offence surely? If not, garden leave for notice period?

The OP has said he's taken cash to book a hotel.

Pretty sure you can just fire someone who has worked for you for under 2 years without any specific reason, other than "it's not working out"

You've been a single parent for 16 years and your DD has done well, she's going to university

And in that time you've built up two successful businesses ,employing people and making a decent profit

Don't you think you already have a " set of massive balls " ??

Re employment - in most jobs, stealing cash from the busniess is gross misconduct . Has he done this befroe ?

If OPs been with him 18 months I'm assuming he's worked for her for longer than 2 years. However even if under two years he still has the legal right not to be unfairly dismissed and the fact they have been in a relationship means he could potentially twist it into a sexual harassment case.

If he has taken money today for a hotel (or anything else) then he can be sacked for gross misconduct without notice. However he is still subject to normal disciplinary procedure e.g. he should be given notice of the hearing, right to representation, etc.

Of course - nobody is saying she shouldn't give him his rights. But he needs to be fired today so that he can no longer access the business's cash.

OP can you get the locks changed on the business premises? I don't trust this wanker one inch

Most employment contracts allow to the employer to put the employee on paid leave or similar without actually firing him . That woudl stop him having access to cash or clients while the proper procedures are followed

I agree it's potentially tricky because of their sexual relathioship . So she needs to be extra careful l do everything by the letter of the law

BitOut,

I'm up for some arm linking. And I bet it's a sight to behold when you start kicking some ass

Let me change out of my slippers into my kick ass heels and I'm there! (I should add I work from home so slippers aren't completely unprofessional!)

OP I hope you're meeting has gone OK and you have a great plan of action.

Is your business large enough to have a HR department / consultant? Might be worth spendinga bit of money to a. get it right legally and b. not have to deal with him yourself

Oh dear. You are in a bit of a mess aren't you ? Out of interest, which came first ...him working for you or you putting him on the payroll after he inveigled himself into your life ?

"Yet, I love him."

May I ask you to please re-read your OP and subsequent posts and tell me what there is to love about this conniving cocklodging tosser man?

I'm home after a lovely meeting with a lovely client who is in far worse of a situation than me so have a bit of perspective on how good my life actually is. By this I don't mean my life with him but my life with my DD, great family and friends and some fantastic clients.

We've not spoken this afternoon. I sent him a text about where we go from here and a couple of options that I am considering regarding the business. He messaged me back with a "If that's what you want" I responded that I did not want to be with someone who does not love and respect me, that I have far too much self respect for that. He didn't reply.

To be clear, he started working for me after we got together and has done for about seven months now. No HR department, just me and my General Manager who is about to go on mat leave! Ho hum!

I've read your messages of support and offers of massive balls and linking arms to kick ass with a smile on my face!!! You are all fantastic!

My resolve is intact! A quick meeting with my solicitor re any potential HR issues is being scheduled for this week.

Thank you

What did he do before you put him on the bankroll ?

Same thing but for another company owned by his friend.

I expanded my business in to this area essentially for him....looked at the pros and cons, wrote a business plan and launched it. So far so good, it's growing and moving from strength to strength, outperforming my cautious calculations.

Just a shame he's involved.

He's just walked in with flowers and a half-hearted "I'm sorry if I upset you"

How predictable.